Starlight925

3 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

You don't seem compatible at all.  It's probably best to end things. However a word of caution about mothering and smothering behavior.

You shouldn't be worrying about whether he gets home cooked meals or home baked cookies. It's not cute that he lives like a 16 year old, but mothering unfortunately attracts these types to you. 

His financial problems are a symptom of general irresponsible behavior and have nothing to do with fast food.  

The bolded, above, sort of says it all about this guy:   It's not cute the he lives like a 16 year old, yet it appears that you think it is cute.

Re:  You buy groceries & cook.  He'd love for you to buy all the groceries, like for this upcoming camping trip.  Does he not know how to shop?  And no, it's not your job or your place to take him to the grocery store and teach him.  He's a big boy in 12-year old boy pants.

I'm confused about the upcoming timeline:

His birthday?  Are you going to be with him?
Camping trip....still on?

He can buy expensive camping items and a motorcycle, but he can't buy a $20 spill-proof bowl for his pets?  That's not poor money management.  That's animal cruelty.

He's not "bad with money".  He makes poor financial decisions.

He can't cook, so he gets fast food.  Can he open a can of soup?   A bag of mixed greens?  A can of tuna?  Heck, they even sell tuna already mixed up in those little packets.  He can open a packet, no?

You said he reminds you of a 16 year-old.  Reminds me of a guy I dated; I used to say he was a grown man in little boy pants.  Same same....had to cobble for rent every month, but had enough money for what he wanted (in his case, sporting events & concert tickets).

He's not a "go with the flow" guy.

Go with the flow is:  You want to see a romance movie, he'd prefer Game of Thrones, but he goes with the flow to see the romance movie.

It's:  You have plans to see each other, then you see that a little-known-band is playing in a dive, and he goes with the flow to see it with you.

It is NOT:  I have to help my friends, so I need to cancel last minute.  I have pets but I don't have the right bowl.  I have a tire issue so the whole day is shot.  I'm lying to you but I'm going to make a "that's how girls think" condescending comment.

No, Alex, he is most decidedly NOT go-with-the-flow.

He's flaky at best.

Last-minute pet sitting interrupts a date. 
Last-minute helping a friend interrupts a date. 
Last-minute friends outing interrupts a date. 
 

But nothing interrupts anything else in his life to see you.  Nothing. 

54 minutes ago, Alex39 said:

 He feels indebted to his friend

Why does he feel indebted to his friend?

Why doesn’t he feel indebted to you, with whom he bailed on a concrete plan?

There are no inconsistencies.   This is who he is.  
He is consistent:

Cute emojis, fun couch time, plan for the next, bail, blame something/someone else (pets, tires, friends), and now that you’ve stood up for yourself:  blame you.

Oh, he’s very consistent  

Your example, @Batya33, isn’t “ghosting”. 
 

It’s you showing self respect to a guy who exhibited rude behavior.   I would have blocked him!

To me, ghosting is when everything seems to be going well, communication is good, and you’re excited about what’s next.  And then….crickets.  
 

Not responding to someone who is rude, harassing, etc., is not “ghosting”. It’s putting up a boundary that says you won’t accept that behavior. 

9 hours ago, lostandhurt said:

I vote none of the above too.

Stick a pin in it and take a few seconds to say nice meeting you but I didn't feel any sparks like I was hoping to.  Good luck on your search.

That simple.  No awkward scenes if you run into them again, just a simple few words.

Lost

^^^ So much this.

Unless the person has made rude or uncalled for remarks, a simple "thank you but I don't feel we are a match" is better than ghost.

I have received many replies to my "thank you but I don't feel we are a match" responses, all thanking me for my honesty and wishing me the very best.

I met one guy for a Saturday breakfast and walk around a local market.  I really liked him!  Later that day, he sent me a message telling me he didn't feel the special spark he was hoping for, and he threw in a few compliments to help ease (you're a beautiful woman, blah blah lol).  I thanked him for his honesty and wished him the very best.   Saved us both the awkwardness of possibly running into each other again, plus saved me from watching my phone for a call.  Easy peasy.

1 hour ago, Batya33 said:

I will backpedal too on what I wrote -you've made up your mind.  I have a friend in a similar situation - He cheated on her on two occasions I believe with the same woman.  While they were having their own two sons. At some point she divorced him.  But they live as a family now and as a happy couple -not remarried from all I know.  She now describes it to me as a rough patch. I never commented either way and she splashes glowing photos all over social media -she has model looks and is very very thin and from our conversations this seems to be due to stress.  She's very obviously made her choice and I never have or will comment so I get why I should backpedal here. You've also weighed the pros and cons.  I agree with CAtfeeder's practical advice as far as making sure this woman stays away.

I agree with your assessment about this woman as far as not understanding why he would want to be with her in this situation - and I too know of couples and people who have affairs etc and I don't try to understand their choices either.  Good luck.

I, too, have a friend in a situation I would describe as....um, different.

She asks for opinions of her close friends, but when one of us offers our true opinion, she gets very upset.  So we have learned to give her advice on the subject from that perspective.  In other words, she has clearly made up her mind, so I am here to support her, even when it's a difficult choice for me to do so.

@NM2023, I, too, would be very concerned about this woman's behavior, showing up unannounced at the gym, your mother-in-law's home, and possibly your home.  In my last relationship, he had an ex that wouldn't go away.  3:00 am phone calls, etc.  No boundary was rigid enough for this woman.  I ended up leaving the relationship, partly because I just couldn't handle it anymore, and partly due to, as you've said, fear.

This is a valid concern for you, as it involves a sweet elderly woman.  Yikes is all I can say.  I would go to the police and put it on record, so that if something happens in the future, her behavior is documented.

All the other suggestions you've received here are valid:  security cameras, blocking, attending different gyms, etc.  You will still run into her, because she will not let go until she finds another to hang on to, and even then, she still may keep you both in her web.

43 minutes ago, NM2023 said:

 his addiction to porn

he was never in love with her

the fact that she was married and he was married made it attractive for him to continue this affair

I pulled these 3 things out of your post, and I'm sorry to say, that these 3 things combined are just awful.  

He has a porn addiction.  That's just another way of excusing this, sorry to say.  Oops, sorry, my porn addiction made me do it.

He was never in love with her.  So he just wanted to get in her lululemon's.  That's even worse, that he did all of this, without even having any feelings.

The fact that they were both married made it more attractive to him?  Again, this is about robotic non-feelings.  He doesn't care about her, and I'm sorry to say, this also means he didn't care about your marriage.    He was only caring about himself.

You came here to ask what to do about this woman, but the woman to be most concerned with is yourself.  

19 years is a long time together.

Are you positive this is the only woman, ever?

I do know of one couple that survived similar, and just celebrated about double the time you've been together, and all is well, about 10 years ago.  Annoying woman has gone completely away.

You'll both need to figure out why he did it.  Or it will happen again, or you'll just drift completely apart.

This is not just about the boundary-pushing woman.  This is about your husband, who lied, cheated, and lied some more.  And about something that's missing for him in your marriage, plus something in him that allows his morals and ethics to be pushed out the window at his whim.

This is a mess. 
 

How long have you been married? Do you have kids? 
 

These are relevant questions to any advice I might give.

If you have no kids, my advice would be to leave this mess behind.  Let him work out whatever he wants with whoever he wants whenever he wants, and you go live another life.

The last guy I dated only had 2 pics, both of which were enough to hook me:  one with his adult kids, and the other in a baseball cap, just with his son.  Casual but enough to show me enough of who he was, which was a great dad who also enjoyed sports.  

I kept viewing his profile until he finally wrote to me (I know, I know, I should have written first).  He sent me a quick message, and we messaged back & forth while I was in a parking lot, waiting on another match.  He asked me to meet the next day for lunch.  That quick.   None of this days, weeks of endless texting.

My point is, you don't need a ton of pics.

And today's swipe-natured apps require very little in the profile department.  Back in the day, we'd spend hours writing the "perfect" profile; there were even professional profile writers.  

Today, it's short & sweet:  if it's a swipe match, then speak up soon.  

Never say "what's up" or any of the other mind-numbing things, which women get a ton of.

"Hi, I noticed you like biking.  Me too!  What's your favorite trail?" etc.

I'm a female very close to your age.  Basically, 2 or 3 is plenty, as long as they're current.

A pleasant smiling facial photo, a photo of you from a short distance, and maybe another one in a hobby (bike riding, dog walking, at a game, etc).  

Beyond that, it's too much, and I honestly click past any profile with more than that.

The worst is the selfie taken from the worst possible angle:  holding the phone in your lap, staring down, no smile, 17 chins.  

Second worst is bathroom selfie, especially the dirty bathroom in the background.  Ick.

Third worst is holding the dead animal.

No, I absolutely would have not given him a second chance. He lied and he cheated, and I would have shown in the door right then and there.

Just now, Jibralta said:

Oh no, have comparisons between Alex and the ex been made? 

The ex, according to him, was controlling and wouldn't let him have his guys' nights.

The ex, according to him, was hated by all of his friends.

We are concerned that Alex, in her quest to become "not the ex", is working hard to be the "cool girl", the one who lets it slide when he cancels at the last minute to hang with his guys.  

Even when, as it turns out, the gals showed up as well.  Alex is happy-sappy to receive a "check-in" text on such night, where Alex plays "cool girl" and sends smiley emojis to let him know that it's all good, cancel on me whenever you want, for whatever reason.

3 hours ago, Kwothe28 said:

Pancreatic cancer is the worst kind. People literally live just months with that one. If he is in advanced stages of it, I am afraid there is not much time for him anyway. I am sorry.

That being said its understandable he maybe wants to know how his assets would be split. Though dunno why would he skip your mother since she is the next in line. But its not out of the ordinary where we live. My politician friend split assets with his brother after his dad died. His mom is still alive and well and lived with his brother. But brother didnt wanted her there after so she took a credit and bought an appartment for herself. My dad split us years ago but only with his own assets. He is also sick but still kicking. I think its better that way because I saw how they do it after the death and the ammount of arguments between siblings and needing lawyers and court is over the top. So maybe it wouldnt be the worst idea to have a conversation about that but its up to him how he would want to split it and to do it if he wants. So dunno why he gets mad at you.

Also, from that side your father reminds me on mine. He drinks occassionally and stopped smoking years ago because of health. Last time we had an argument he said I was rude to him(I wasnt), how he would tell my brother and sister and they will not talk to me etc. When I said how he should apologize because he made a mistake because of which the argument started he said "I am your father I dont need to apologize". Its useless to argue with that kind of people. For example, your father(as well as mine) is a narcissist. He is always right, thinks his own kind of race and gender is on top(my believes his name still holds some meaning and that just by mentioning it you get some kind of priviledges) and is refusing to listen to anything opposing to him. So are you really that surprised that after you put any kind of resistance to him, you get him shouting at you and trying to manipulate you?

You dont argue with the narcissist. Narcissists have poor emotional stability and low emotional inteligence so they are prone to argue and wont account your emotions into it at all(hence why you are "sissy" when you cry according to him), they will go for your self- esteem on purpose and will not respect you. So any kind of argument will not result in a good conflict resolution and therefore its useless. Being that he is sick and that he probably doesnt have much left, just ignore it next time no matter what he says. You need to practice not to get to you. 

This post is so true, especially the bolded.

I agree, it sounds like your father is a narcissist.  No, I am not a therapist, and I am not diagnosing.

But I grew up with a narcissist as a mother, who sounds very much like your father (addicted to something else, not alcohol).  Extremely opinionated, always right, etc.

A lot of narcissists are also racists/homophobes.  My mother always said she'd disown us if we married outside our race, or came out as gay.  We had family friends where in 2 cases, kids that we grew up with came out later in life, and my mother used to say, "Well that won't happen in our family.  I forbid it".  Disgusting, despicable, but as I learned, no argument with her worked.  People other than our race were "less than"; people outside of heterosexuality were "crazy".  Disgraceful.

What I did to cope was much like what you are doing now:  moved out & became self-sufficient (good for you!), and limited my contact with the FBV (female birth vessel) who, yes, gave me life, but not much else.  I would have cut contact completely, but I liked everyone else in the family, so in my limited times alone with her, I kept things super surface:  a new movie, the weather.

As for your situation, you do not have long, and his insistence on listening to him re:  the assets is something you can just listen to, nod, and agree with.  They are, after all, his wishes.

You are doing everything right.  You are on your own, you have sought therapy, you are there for him.  

But you are hurting, which I get.  You are mourning not only his impending passing, but the childhood that you wish you had.  The sit-com dad who makes funny family jokes, who cheers you on at games, who buys you hot dogs when mom says no.  You didn't have that, and I'm sorry.   

I know you don't want to hear this, but what gave me peace, finally, was my mother's passing.  Within two weeks, I was like....whew, it's over.  I know that's unpopular.  People say, "But it's your mother!!!", and I'm like, you have no idea what I had to deal with.  

I actually just read a book that popped up on a friend's feed called "I'm Glad My Mom Died", an autobiographical book by a former Nickelodeon star.  That book actually helped me realize, in retrospect, that I wasn't the only one without the picture perfect childhood, and neither are you.

Is there any way for you to find out how to get therapy?  There are many low cost options.

You and your mom are too enmeshed, and you'll need objective help to navigate extricating yourself from this.

As @Batya33 asked, there may be community resources available to you.

You are reaching out here, which is a great first step, but this may take a specialized counselor to fully unravel this situation, while also keeping a relationship with your mom.

You'll need to figure out how to financially survive on your own, how to finish something you start, etc., but from what you're saying, you recognize that you start, do it for a while, stop, and then have a hard time re-starting.

There are some great therapists out there who can really help you, but it'll be up to you to find someone.  There are even therapists who will work with you over Zoom, maybe at a reduced rate.

There are also several books you can read on this topic, as well as loads on the internet.

I wish you the peace you're looking for.

No one is making up anything about him.

We are basing our feelings on the facts that we know:  He has cancelled several dates, many at the last minute.  Some for valid reasons (a punctured tire), some for not-so-valid reasons (night out with the guys).

These are facts, not assumptions.

Glad you had a great day!  Sounds like a perfect day date.  

I also like that he didn't pressure you into sex, even though you could have had it today.  

Are you seeing him over the weekend?  Or just Sunday?  Does he have other weekend plans?

I went on a few dates with an accountant, 50 years old.  Nice guy, opened doors etc.  Kissed, nothing further.

One Saturday, I waited for him for 30 minutes, with no text or response, me sitting at the place alone.

He called me later that evening.  He fell asleep due to day drinking.

Um, ever heard of an alarm?  Or not day drinking?  

Called me multiple times after, apologies, texts, etc.

Never saw him again.

Expect better for yourself, Alex. 

Why does this have to be a thing?  Why do you feel the need to minimize this by saying you feel you’re just their ride?

Just take the boat there, and stay and enjoy Sunday with everyone, and drive home early afternoon.

I drive hundreds of miles at a time, all the time, and I’m triple your age.

You hyper focus on these perceived sleights, which is so unfortunate. 

Why didn’t he get the tire done today?

Why did he wait until the day you’re having your day date to do it?
 

Tire places are open from 7 am usually.  Takes less than an hour. 

I drive hundreds of miles a week in my job, so I have tire problems all the time.  Shoot, I usually pull into the nearest parking lot, map the closest one, and I’m done with the issue by the top of the hour.