Starlight925

Just wanted to chime in to validate your feelings.

It was rude all the way around.

The way she seemed to keep popping up everywhere he was, and the way he physically turned his back to you, leaving you out of conversation?  Rude, rude, rude.

Maybe her guy felt the same way, maybe he didn't.  Doesn't matter.  What matters to us is how you felt, and I'd have felt the same way.

There's a calm, clear way to bring this up to him.  He may be like...um, huh?  Me hab no idea.  😅

But whatever his reaction might be, you do need to bring this up to him and let him know how you feel.

I would just bring the turkey burgers for 10 people and call it a day.

Some things are just not worth the energy they take to analyze.

My brother & his wife invite me to their house all the time.  They go through ice like no one you've ever seen.  For years, I know the drill:  I'll get a text asking me to stop for a 10-lb bag of ice.  They actually have a stand-alone cooler full of ice already, but my extra last-minute bag will be used up by the end of the evening.  By my brother alone.  Don't ask.

I use one small handful.  Or none.  I still stop, bring the large, ice cold, wet bag of ice on my way.  Because some things are just not worth the energy.

Great point, @Seraphim .  OP, not sure what the doctor shortage situation is where you live, so just as you don't leave a job without finding a new one first, same goes for your doctor.

I, too, am going through a doctor situation, similar to @Lambert.

I have an appointment with someone new this week to hopefully replace her, but I still have my appointment on the books with her.

Something new that I've been doing is ordering my own labs and keeping my lab account to myself, sharing with my doctor rather than the other way around.   There are ways to get deeply discounted prices with the major labs.  I also have my own blood pressure monitor, which is very inexpensive.

Our health is our own!

Change doctors, even if it means a drive for you.

Agree, that he should have listened more to your concerns.  Sounds like you got the "you're fine" brush-off, when clearly, you don't feel fine.

Just because someone has an M.D. after their name does not make them a kind, compassionate human.

I'm in this world professionally, and I see it every day.  There are amazing ones, and there are....shall we say, not so amazing ones.

Give this doctor the same blow-off he's giving you.

Sue, I agree, this would be disconcerting.  As others have said, he should have announced this at a different time, but in most families, any gathering would have been fine, as it's when everyone is together.

Some groups (families, friend groups, etc.) are just not open to others joining in, and your engagement means you'll be joining in forever.  So they do the "la la la la, I can't hear you" and resume with their own personal conversations.

Frankly, it's rude.

I dated someone for 2+ years like this.  His family would just chatter on about people and things I knew nothing about, so I'd just sit there and eat, drink, nod.  Honestly, it never changed, as they were almost xenophobic in their quest to keep outsiders....out.

He likely doesn't want to engage in confrontation, so he'll just go along with them.  

But at the end of the day, it's the two of you, and if you two are happy, then all you can do is be the best partner for him.

There may come a day when someone in his family needs him and he can't be there that day, and you'll possibly step in to help, and you'll start integrating more into them.  Until then, be your charming self, hold your head high, and congrats!

I just wrote this on someone else's thread, but I'll repeat it here:

Some of us got in the wrong line when they were handing out parents.

You have done amazing things.  You've moved to a new country, you've established yourself in your career, and something tells me you have an empathic soul.

Putting up boundaries is sometimes the best we can do in these situations, so you're doing well there.

As for your dad, just give it all some time and live your life.  If he disowns you for this, then it's his loss.  You can move forward, make friends, and live your life.

No, you're not wrong.  When we think of the term "mother", we think caring, being there, hugging, holding when times are bad, being there to soothe us.

Some of us just got in the wrong line when they were handing out mothers.

Not to make your thread about me, but here's my similar story:

I had breathing issues/asthma as a kid, which got worse.  In high school, an ENT confirmed a deviated septum.  I wanted a nose job so badly, and the ENT said it was better to do it at the same time.  I don't even know if my mother reacted, as she didn't go with me to any of the appointments.

In my mid-20's, I maxed out my credit card and had the surgery:  Deviated septum/rhinoplasty.  I lived 250 miles from home then.  My mother didn't even call me.

I came home a few weeks later for Thanksgiving, and my mother looked at me and said, "Were you still going to have that surgery?"

She was so disconnected from me as a mother that she didn't even notice that my APPEARANCE had changed.

Sometimes, we get the mother we have, not the one we need or want.

As uncomfortable as this is for you, I kind of agree with her.

You two weren't exclusive, and you had even discussed being non-exclusive, sort of seeing where it goes.

She told you that this person wasn't a threat, and if you believe her, then that's the truth.

I honestly don't see what's wrong with what she did, and I'm afraid you could throw away what could be a great relationship, with a bit more communication.

Are you exclusive now?  Have you had that conversation?  

A family member was having a similar situation with their four year old son. They did some reading and decided to take away all food coloring from his diet. It took about a week, and he became this different child.  He  minded  them and became fun to interact with.

Now, he shows packages of food to his mommy and asks her if there are food colorings in it before he asks if he can eat it.  He’s even started to call any TV shows that have violence in them  “food coloring.”

My family member that went through this was at her wit’s end and read a post by a psychologist who was having a similar issue with her own child.

He even put himself in time out one day when I was over there. He knew he had done something slightly bad and he said “I have to go to time out. I’ll be back in a minute”.  Adorable.

The worst offender is red dye.

So you don't want a divorce, but you know you can't live like this.

We don't have a magic wand here, I'm sorry to say.

You have to make a decision:

1) Stay with her in the present situation, knowing this is who she is.  She'll sleep in, book vacations only to see her family, and only clean a little.

OR:

2) Get a divorce and start the process of a new life, and seek what you want.

Other than those two options, it's all just chatter.

You do need to consider if this marriage is worth saving.

I know you say that it is, but you haven't given any indication that you two should even be together at all:

• Your temper gets the better of you with respect to her.
• She only ever wants to visit her family, no regard for yours
• She's lazy.  At 35, she should be excited, wanting to grow, eager to learn and achieve.
• She's told you, in her own words, that she'd leave you.
• In your own words:  You are unhappy in this relationship.

Let her go.

Let her find some guy with independent wealth who is ok with a housewife with no kids.  

Let her go back to the 1950's and find what she wants.

And you, dear sir, find yourself a woman of today, who will share with you in everything that life has to offer, including a career, hobbies, and a life that includes your family.

5 minutes ago, lost39- said:

 Thsnk you all, Im thinking of going solo camping in Wales uk tomorrow buy feel self conscious, you think it will do me good??

You're too self-conscious to go camping solo but not too self-conscious to engage in an affair?

I got nothin'.

Can you do online counseling?  There are therapists who work via mental health apps, although I'm not sure the cost, or if you have the money.  

Are you able to work outside the home, a part-time job, for any money?  

Do you have any friends you could contact via apps or online?

I'm sorry you're going through this.

There's nothing for you to fix.

You have decisions to make:

Are you ok with everything here?  You made a nice pros/cons list above, so if you're ok with the pros outweighing the cons, then stick around.  If some of the cons are too heavy, then break it off.

All you are doing, this early in the game, is deciding if this guy is worth your time.  Is he?

I think we are all trying to figure out what his deal is.  Is there another woman, is he on drugs, is he on the spectrum, etc.

Instead, Alex39, focus on what your deal is.  Why are you accepting these lame crumbs?  What is it, in your life, that causes you to think this is a wonderful relationship?

He called you after his night out.

He told you all about it.

He talked "at" you for 1 hour, telling you all about his night out.

Yet it didn't even occur to him to cancel his night out with the boys, or better yet not have made plans with them in the first place, knowing this trip was coming up, to spend it with you.

So you, girl, got the breadcrumbs of the evening.

You got the unshowered, unkempt, couch-hanger afternoon version for a couple of hours.

His buddies got the showered, cleaned up, new clothes (that you picked out), fun version.

You got what's left in the bag of bread when you're just about to throw it away.

What a great guy.

The not showering thing is such a red flag, I can't even....

And if that's why he didn't feel clean enough to have sex with you (I get it), couldn't he have jumped in your shower?  It's like a 5-minute thing for a guy.

So he took you to run his errands while he spent mommy's money.  In a dirty body.  

Then, he leaves with a peck on the cheek to hang with his boys, before he goes on a week-long trip and won't see you.

To sleep in mommy & daddy's room with them.

And this is what you call a "good boyfriend"?

1 minute ago, Jaunty said:

I had a very close friend who was in an abusive relationship.  They consistently wanted to talk and go over in minute detail all of the indignities and abuse that was happening.   I was there for it for years, both being an sympathetic ear and also trying to help my friend get out.  Then it occurred to me that I really was enabling by playing the role that I was.  

Ultimately I made this a "no go" topic.   I was absolutely there to spend time, get my friend out and about, encourage them not to isolate.  I would do anything to help her get away.  But no more talking about the daily details of the toxic relationship.  

 

You know, you've given me an idea as to how to deal with my friend in this 2+ year situation.

I know I'm veering off topic here, and I'm sorry.  

But it's just become so frustrating for me to be the one she leans on through this situation.  I've spent hours upon hours listening, helping, advising.  By the time we get to "So Starlight, how are you doing?", she's done, and my house could be on fire.  It's all about her and the minutiae in this godawful situation she's so "happy" with.

I need to just let go.  When I am silent, she gets upset with me, because she assumes my silence means I disapprove, and our friend group is not "allowed" to disapprove of her situation.

It's such a long and stupid story, and I hate people who derail threads, like I'm doing here....:)

With respect to how this relates to @Alex39.......Alex, do you want our advice?  Or do you want to use this as more of a journal, a stream of consciousness where you can write, vent, and re-read?

If you want our continued advice, we will give it.  But please know that so many of us have been in your shoes in so many different situations, we are coming from the future to tell you what you will look back on.

I'd be cancelling, but then again, I'd be cancelling the entire thing.

Because if you just cancel today, then you sit by the phone waiting for him to initiate the next move.  Who wants that?  Just cancel today and be done with it.

He doesn't get it, and he never will.

Cancelling at the last minute isn't a "pet peeve", it's irresponsible, immature, and just plain rude.

I dated a guy who only called me at the last minute for dates.  I told him it was a "pet peeve", so he called me one Sunday at around 3:00 pm for a date that night.  He asked if that was enough advance notice?  I said no, thank you so much, we are better off moving along from one another.

As so many have said, watch his actions, not his promises or pictures or emojis.  

You are using pictures, emojis, and promises of future dates, trips, gifts, as ways he's keeping you in the relationship, prioritizing you.  You have it backwards:  Showing up for the date, bringing the gift, taking you on the actual trip:  those are the ways you'll know he's prioritizing you.

I have a similar situation with a friend; the situation is 2+ years now.

Any friends of hers that are even the slightest bit less-than-glowing about her situation causes her to recoil and back away from the entire friendship.

I have to just smile, nod, and say a lot of "mmm hmmms" when she tells me the stories going on in her situation.  

It's way worse than Alex's situation here, but not as bad as @Sindy_0311's friend's situation.

My point is, I just keep repeating to my friend:  "Hey, I just want you to be happy, and if this situation makes you happy, then it's not my place to say anything else".  This way, I'm not lying, nor am I giving unwanted advice.

So, @Alex39, if this situation makes you happy, then fine.

But you're here, and on another message board, so it appears you want advice.

I do admire how you've come back here, ~60 pages in, and you continue to respond to us.

That tells me that you at least hear what we are saying.  

But it appears that 25 of us posting basically the same message, get completely negated by one phone call from him.  And it's disheartening to watch.

If he's going away for a whole week, he should want to see you so badly that he cancels on his friend.

Does he ever cancel on the friends?

I ended it with someone once because, the night before I was going away for a week, he only wanted to spend an afternoon with me, as he "had to" get up early to work out.  Buh.  Bye.

I don't think she's trolling us.

I have a friend in an even worse situation, 2+ years now.  The stories I could tell....

But I agree, that Alex, you are your own worst enemy, because you accept what he's dishing out.

Crumbs.

I've had this before.  I started envisioning a pile of cookie crumbs on the table in place of the phone.  When it dinged with notifications, I'd just envision it as a pile of crumbs, because that's all he was offering me.

Your guy goes one worse:  he offers you crumbs, which you accept.  But then he offers you hope.  You get your hopes up, and he lets you down, but you continue to accept his crumbs.

In less than 24 hours, he's cancelled the camping trip with you, he cancelled tonight, he offered a lame hangout tomorrow, but he has to leave to hang out with his buddy at 6 pm, before he goes away for a whole week.

And you're wondering if you're the problem?

You say you feel like you don't have enough going on in your life, so you end up sitting home, brooding, when he leaves you hanging.

It's the other way around:

He leaves you hanging, which is why you end up sitting home brooding.  

He makes a plan to see you tonight, so you schedule your day/night around it.  You make sure you're home from work on time, that you've done household chores, you've caught up with friends/family members, done your laundry, paid your bills, etc., etc., all so that you could be free to see him.

Then he bails at the last minute, so you end up alone on the couch, with nothing to do.  Because he freaking bailed on you, and you ran around getting sh*t done to make time for him.  

So now, all your sh*t is done, and he leaves you with an empty slot of time with nothing to do, because you planned for that time to be with him.

And because you were so efficient in getting ready for an evening with him, you now feel the double whammy of not getting to see him, plus you feel like a loser with no life, when in fact, you efficiently got your life in order for the day to see him.

Again, and again, and again.

Cue the vacation pics, the emoji strings, the promises of future dates.....

In the last week, 2 exes viewed my LinkedIn.  One was from 2012!  The other, around the same time.

People check out exes on Social Media because we can.

Back in my day (yes, I'm 100 years old), there was no way to do this.  We had to drive by their house.  My friend's 80-something mom, married 50+ years, recently drove her by her old HS boyfriend's house with my friend!

Seems this compulsion to check out our past never ends.

And yes, I'm guilty of it as well.

The thing is, don't let it become this minute-by-minute, click-click-click thing.  Silence your phone and put it away for 1 hour.  Literally, in another room.  No checking, even your own messages.  Then 2 hours, return your calls/texts, then more.

And realize that what you are going through is normal.

Why do we do it?  Because we want to know that we mattered to them.  We want to see what they're up to, are they posting happy-sappy pics with our replacement?  Why weren't they happy-sappy enough with us to stay?  And on, and on.  So the more space we can put between these click-click episodes, the more able we will be to move on.