Starlight925

7 minutes ago, Crawfords Wine said:

Both retail and the service industry can provide long and prosperous careers, for those willing to put their head down, do the hours and start from the bottom up.

Agree.  My dad raised a family of 5 on a retail career with a high school education.  For 50 years.  Hard work, hours, dedication, and lots of love.  So don't diss a retail/service career; he has to be willing to put the work in.

It's been 7 years since this happened.  What has he done for the last 7 years to help himself get past this?  Therapy?  Work?  Education?  Improved relationships with family and friends?  Sincere apologies, taken true accountability, accepts full responsibility for his part in this?

Or does he still blame "the other guy"?  Does he think therapy is for "wacky people"?  Does he hop from one low-paying job to the next, always saying that "the boss" doesn't like him?  

This isn't about how he feels about you, or frankly, how he treats you.

It's about how he feels and treats the world around him.

3 hours ago, Batya33 said:

I think he means the party to celebrate the wedding ceremony.  She probably drops hints about wanting a large reception.  I totally agree with Starlight and I love being married, always wanted marriage and never went on a second date with any man who wasn't enthusiastic in general about marriage and getting married.  I don't think she changed her mind I think it's as Starlight wrote.

Same!

Relationship goals, like desire to have children or not, should be agreed upon before the first coffee date.

One of the best things about online dating is the ability to screen before even clicking to message.

One guy was turned off of me by the fact that I don't have children, as he said he wants someone who already has kids, as he loves "mom energy".  Cool, strike for us both, I appreciated his honesty.

OP was being honest here.  If the girlfriend didn't like it, she was free to say so, and sure, free to change her mind if she at first thought she could live without marriage but later decided she wanted it.

What she's not free to do is to expect OP to change his mind, and throw a tantrum/ultimatum around.

Offer to come pick it up.  Offer money for it.  

Yes, I know it was a gift, and yes, I know he turned out to be a completely different person from who you thought he was.  But we are living in reality, not in what "should be".

16 minutes ago, Seymore said:

Trust me, nobody understands why he sleeps at that time...lol.  He's retired and I tend to think sitting in the dark basement most of the night/day has thrown off his circadian rhythm (he claims he "just can't help it"), but either way it's not my problem to solve.  

I guess maybe my frustration stems not so much from eating so late, but that it feels like dad just doesn't care or see anyone else's time as valuable, and expects everyone to wait around for him. 

I agree that it appears as though sitting in the dark basement all day has thrown off his circadian rhythm.  Thing is, he appears to enjoy this lifestyle, and your mother enables it.

Your frustration that your dad doesn't seem to care that mom is waiting on him, is the true issue here, but unfortunately, as long as she enables it, there is not much you can do.

Others have given you great advice:  eat earlier, take your mom out for coffee and see her separately, etc.

I get where you are coming from and how frustrating it is, viewing your mother as sort of in this "prison" holding pattern, having to suppress her literal hunger while waiting on selfish behavior from someone else, but she is an adult, and she is choosing this.

Couples fall into dynamics for reasons we often don't understand, and this has become their dynamic.  The only thing you can do here is to love them from a figurative distance.  I'm sorry you're dealing with this.

Unfortunately, I have to agree with @rainbowsandroses.  

A person who really wants to meet someone doesn't move you from one app to another and continue with "words on a screen".

She may be using your interactions as a time filler between studying, a fun little break.

Give her a couple of availability dates in early January.  You'll know from her response whether she's truly interested in meeting or will kick this can down the road.

You’ve become her emotional support animal.  There for her in any way she needs, but your needs are not being met in any way. 
  Distance yourself from this one-sided, negative energy by simply not returning her calls.  You’ve tried to talk to her, but she’s in such a selfish, negative place that she doesn’t listen. 
  At some point, she will hopefully be in a place to hear what you have to say, but it’s not now.  And unfortunately, this may be who she just is, so you will just move on in life without her. 
 I’m so sorry this has happened.  Finding a great friend is rare; losing that connection is difficult. 

As a woman, this is all on you.

If you're looking for a girlfriend, why are you trying to collect female friends?

If you date a few times and feel there's no connection, simply say that, and move on.

I suspect you enjoy having these women orbit around you and try to win you back.  It feeds your need for desirability, having women text, call, and cajole you into liking them more.

How would a woman you truly like, who wants a relationship, feel with all these "friends", i.e. dates you've semi-discarded, hanging around?

Don't beat yourself up over this.  Heck, this should never have happened.  

She should not have had such a hair-trigger response to the way you responded to her declaration of love that she ended the entire relationship over it.

In my mind, that's just bratty, selfish behavior on her part.

The guy needs to buy her designer handbags and jump 10 feet when she makes an emotional statement, or else....

You'd be living on eggshells.

10 minutes ago, bluegill said:

Has anybody ever gone through something like this here? Is there any valid reason to keep going? 

Yes.  And no.

Sounds like what's "normal" for her is 11-12 hours of sleep.

Why does this bother you?

What is going on where you don't trust her?

Do you truly believe she's asleep, or do you have some reason to suspect she's really awake but just not spending time with you?

I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but he was just being polite.

I also hate to say this, but it would have been better to have just not sent him a card.  You'll defend it by saying you just wanted to include "everyone".

But be completely honest:  were you hoping for a reaction from him?

He does not want you, or this relationship, for whatever reason.  Despite all the future talk, he has moved on.  And as hard as it is, just knowing he's there at work, it's keeping you stuck.

I dare say if you could, to find another job.

The almost exact same thing happened to me after a lovely 2+ year relationship.  The breakup came out of nowhere, there was no one else, and we literally never argued.  One day, he was just....done.  I was completely heartbroken, and 10+ years later, it still hurts if I'm being honest.  He's married now, but recently, he viewed me on LinkedIn, after 10+ years of zero contact.  It gave my heart a jump, but not in a hopeful way.  I feel bad for his wife, knowing that he was looking me up.  I hate to think that she could go through similar pain if he does to her, what he did to me.

I get all the bad dates, all the times wondering what's going on, all of that.  But you need to go full No Contact to even hope to move on, and running into him in the hallways is not going to allow you to do that.

OK I asked the questions to get a better handle on how to respond to your original question.

Even in Asia, where it is apparently normal.....a young child lives with the mother of the child's parents, vs. the mother herself?  Especially when the mother is married?   That's interesting.

Since you are still married and have no plans to divorce, and you are concerned about her mental state (you should be, given that her own daughter hadn't heard from her), I'd stay in contact for her well being.

Make other decisions as you need, i.e. moving on permanently, etc., but for now, she is your wife, she is a mother, and she's apparently in distress.  

When you made the "better or worse" commitment....well, this is the worse.

Had you two discussed children prior to the marriage?

How did you meet?

How long were you together prior to marriage?

What other issues led you to the separation?

Do you in fact want a divorce?  

Wow, if I was your current wife and I understood the depths of obsession that you have towards this ex of....10 years ago???  I'd have left you a long time ago.

You expend so much mental energy on this person who, by this time, should be a mere footprint in the fabric of your life.

You'll be back here with a new thread, once you've unblocked her, to tell us all the IG stories she's read.  

We will tell you to block her, you'll spew an entire hateful thread about her, wash, rinse repeat.

Do you have another job lined up?

My advice:  Resign without a thought of your coworker.  Whether you both happen to resign on the same day or not, is not your concern.  
  Just do it professionally.  Work up until your very last day, and do your absolute best. 
  Do not burn a bridge. 
Even if you never want to work for this company again, you never know who you will run into again in the future.

For your own self-worth, put your best foot forward until you are gone, but make sure you will have other employment before you do anything.

Toxic bosses suck.  Taking out their childhood anger issues/personality disorders on people who can’t speak back.  It’s akin to child abuse. 
 

Find another job.  Then calmly walk into her office, head held high, with a professionally written resignation letter.   Then walk out with your dignity. 
 

We just had a fun family discussion about past toxic bosses.   Because you see, once you are out of this, with your dignity, you will look back and laugh at her. 
 

Two fun stories we told:  

1). Several years after quitting a toxic boss, she later was fired, and she asked ME to help her get a job in my new company!  I told my new boss, who I loved, who assured me he’d trash her resume. 
 
2) A toxic boss who was a constant screaming yeller was yelling from his office, but no one came, since he yelled all the time.  He had yelled so hard that he leaned back in his chair and had partially fallen out the window!

It’s the case on all dating sites.  It’s funny when someone’s user name is “Bob2015”, or “Lisa2017”, and all of their pictures are dated in that year. 

I know many Autistic people.  I’m having dinner tonight with a friend who has Asperger’s.  
 I’ve never seen such a lack of empathy or compassion from any of them. 
You get an actual thrill out of this, and it’s highly disturbing. 

21 minutes ago, midnightdeirdre said:

And I can't help but wonder if that's a bad thing/strange thing. 😏

Yes, both bad and strange.

Are you under a therapist's care?

I know someone who was in one of the towers while it was hit.  I know someone else who watched from his office, as people jumped out.  Both of these people are so distraught that to this day, they find it almost impossible to talk about, let alone feel “important” about, or “enjoy” it. 
   Witnessing a tragedy does not make one important.  

Yes, there is something wrong to say that you enjoyed these horrific events.  
Quite frankly, it’s disturbing to read. 
Sorry, but you asked.  

What a well thought out response!

There is no wrong answer here.  Stay at your current job that you don’t love, but that offers you a nice salary, or look outside your industry into something where you can be outdoors, and truly enjoy every single day, knowing that it comes at a cost in terms of annual income.

As I said in my earlier post, when I left the job that I truly hated, I was making very good money, but realize that it was not a future for me. So for me, the reduction in income far outweigh the benefits.  
 

Interestingly, it seems that when we do what we love and have a passion for, often, the money and benefits come.

You have the luxury right now of being well employed and being able to partake in some of your outdoor activities while you’re still at work. You could even take a part-time job doing what you love and put feelers out there to see if you can launch it into something more permanent. 

You sound like a very thoughtful person who is taking your future very seriously, and I applaud you.

Why do you want to “job hop”?

What do you want to “hop” to?

A different industry, better pay, etc.?  These are questions to ask yourself to figure out your own future. 
You may want a different job in a different industry that will make you happier, but that might pay less. 
I guess I’m just asking….what are your goals?  Your dreams?  Your plans?

For me personally, not sure you want all of our stories, but I changed career paths entirely, which initially cut my earnings by over 60%.  I was very unhappy and couldn’t see myself growing old doing something I hated.  Looking back, it was the best (and bravest) thing I ever did, as I found a career (20 years now) that I love, and the money did come. 
But this is about you….what do you want to do?