samson66

I know, I know... too many posts from me on this subject but I really do like having a sounding board for some of this stuff. So I wrote her back and mentioned that no, I only say goodnight like that to her when I forget what happened way back in September. Her reply, she considers September forgotten already and expects goodnights like that from me now. What?! I don't think I'm reading that the wrong way -- she's left the door open right? I don't even have a reply to that right now, but my thought is to still move slow and be sure...

She is definitely flirty, to the point of making my jaw drop on occaision when we were first getting together. Oh the drama... my read on it is that she's being playfully casual about it, we probably both had too much to drink and it happened -- if she didn't want me to read anything into it, then she should have ignored my subtle reference to it. If she did want me to think more about it, then she would do something along the lines of what she did... that's guy logic though, which means it could be 100% wrong when applied to a girl.

Well, I can't remember exactly what I ended up writing her, but I said something to along the lines of 'i really like hanging out with you, even if the line gets a little blurry sometimes', referring to the fact that we kissed goodnight -- she pounced on it though and wrote me back saying 'isn't that how you say goodbye to all your friends?'. Translation?

I don't need her, but she is pretty fantastic ... aside from the most obvious and glaring problem with her that she dumped me 3 months ago, I think she's perfect.

Oh oh, one more thing... so now she's just txted me to tell me she had a 'great time (as always)' so I'd like to write her back and drop at least a subtle hint if I can that I'm hoping she comes around... any ideas? I was thinking something like 'i like hangin' out with you, though i do wonder why we're not still together sometimes.' Umm, back that's not very subtle at all is it... doh! sam

hockeyboy, if you're in the same position as me i feel for you -- it's a difficult situation to deal with. Tryingtobestrong, your advice sounds smart, I'll try to keep going with the flow I guess. You sound like you're in the 'any attempt to bring them closer will just drive them further away' camp yeah? I have the romantized notion of wanting to fight for her a little here, I'll try to ignore that... rnorth, I like that -- have fun with it he says! She's definitely returning, but as a friend or more? Obviously hard to tell -- my suspicion is that she is probably a little confused herself right now and as opposed to making a choice to go one way or the other she's going with something in between. Thanks all, the support (as always) is much appreciated.

When we broke up it was immediately after our first fight, which happened to be about her feeling I was moving a little too fast and 'something' was holding her back. There was no one else, and at the time (this is going to sound weak) I was so smitten with her that I didn't really fight her too hard on the breakup -- I was just 'if you're not into it right now, we're better off split'. Little did I know she'd be on mind 3 months later. No other people involved at the time, and as far as I know she is single as could be... and maybe that's the way she wants to keep it. We usually trade an email even now and then, no more than once or twice a week, but lately she's been calling me to see what I'm doing on a Friday night or whatever too, and came out to meet up with me last Friday. I didn't stick around too long though, we talked and whatever but nothing more than that.

I posted awhile back -- great girl, great relationship, then out of nowhere I got dumped. That was back in September, since then I've seen her only a few times, we made out at the bar and I put no stock into that and didn't press her for anything more, not even an explanation for that. Then she invited me over for dinner a couple weeks ago and I was a little surprised to find that she'd made it pretty intimate, candles and all the rest but we didn't hook up. Anyway, after that I kind of realized I was definitely not over this girl yet but that didn't stop me from inviting her over for dinner last night, we ended up on the couch with her constantly touching my arm or tousling my hair -- very flirtly -- and then gave me a kiss on the lips when she left. Not really just friends behavior. Anyway, I would take her back, not proud of that but there is something between us, that sort of electricity that you feel when you're with someone that you know goes both ways. I'm not sure how to read it all though, she could just be attempting to be nice, or I could have totally misread her and she's just screwing with my head ... but, now I'm feeling like maybe it's time to call her out on this and say I want her back (haven't said that even once since we split). The downside is that if she's not into it I risk looking a little bit pathetic... confusing situation. Any advice on what to do here? sam

Here comes the tough love -- you're totally blind right now when it comes to her. Let's say you were with a girl and she was pretty good, but for whatever reason you wanted to sleep with a new girl that came along. Wouldn't it be great if you could just jump on the new girl and stay friends with the old one? Best of both worlds. Obviously I'm not there and can't know the details, but from what you've said I'd say you're the old one that got thrown out. If she really cared about you, she wouldn't hurt you like this. Sam

You should move on right this second. If she really wanted to be with you that badly she'd do it, dumping someone sucks but it's not as bad as she's making it out to be. If she really can't do it because she really has some confrontation problem, I still don't buy her story -- she's keeping you around because it feels good, but I would say she's going to lose respect for you long term if you keep on playing the loyal ex routine. I honestly would say that the best chance you have is to cut all ties and surprise her a little with no contact at all, it's best for you and best for your chances. sam

Just take it as a compliment -- she can't get you out of her head quite as easily as she might have hoped. I wouldn't look at it any deeper than that... she's probably not consciously messing with you or anything.

I'm in the same place dude, it sucks. You'll have great days and not so great days... yesterday for example I was down for no reason, didn't see her or anything that set me off but it was just one of those days where I really missed her. I find the forums help sometimes, but only in moderation -- if you're always on here thinking about things I think it handicaps your healing a little bit, but sometimes when you need to vent or just can't get your head around things it does help. What's working for me is NC, and the thought that she's not the first girl to succumb to your charms and won't be the last. I'm sure there are hundreds of girls in your area who'd love to be with you, they just don't know it yet, and as good as it was going out with a great girl that wasn't entirely into it, think how much better it would be to find a girl just as hot who feels the same way. Your ex is still thinking about you, and I'm sure she has questioned her decision, but when you're the one that ends it there's extra pressure put on to also not look back -- you've made a tough decision and now you're going to proof to yourself that it was right, so maybe you try to move on fast, and you definitely don't dwell on it as much as the dumped person. In my experience when you initiate a breakup with someone it's almost like you get a free pass on the negative feelings for a while because it's new and exciting to be single, and it's your choice -- but eventually if you don't rebound right away you'll end up feeling the loss just as much, just kicks in a little later. Hope that helps a little... Sam

You're right I'm sure -- just a little hard to see it that way right now. I've had a girlfriend for like 9 of the last 10 years I bet and while I'd like to think it's not an issue, it's a definite crutch I need to shake... it's a different frame of mind that apparently takes a little getting used to.

A bit of a low day for some reason -- broke up with the ex about a month and a half ago after dating for 4 months, she ended because she felt she couldn't 'give me what i wanted' -- still wondering about what exactly that means because everything was all good. Any way, that's another thread. Since the break I've seen her once, she was very sweet and very nervous and seemed rather messed up about breaking up, but getting back together was never discussed. We've gone about three weeks of total NC now, and I even took a new girl out on Friday (that I ended up not liking as much as I thought but again, not relevant). Anyway, everyone has said 'you'll find someone better', and I always have in the past, but with this girl -- I mean, she was amazing. As close to a dream girl as I've come, so hot, sweet, everything was good except for the fact that she ended it. I'm sure others have felt like that after breaking up, but it just seems kind of sad like maybe I really won't meet someone better. Still thinking about this girl way too much and I'd like to think I can fully get over her before meeting someone new, but I think I have a bad habit of recovering from past relationships by jumping into a new one and I'm just not feeling very confident that I'm going to find someone who really is better... Advice welcome. Sam

Thanks guys -- sounds like we're on the same page, that's probably the way I'll go. She is a nice girl, I'm just being picky right now.

Hi, I went out with this girl last night -- had a good time, went for dinner and drinks, probably a few too many drinks... anyway, I decided at some point through the date that even though I like this girl I'm just not attracted to her enough to want to pursue something with her, but when I dropped her off I ended up giving her a pretty good kiss goodnight. Part of it was that I knew she was expecting something, but, I shouldn't have. So now I'm not sure what to tell her, I don't want to screw with her head or anything... what should I say to her now? Help much appreciated... Sam

Thanks for the feedback guys. I guess it's probably mostly just a blow to my ego -- but it does eat away at you wondering what was going in her head you know? raccoon, there was always a definitive reason for breakups in the past and one of those was indeed that my heart just wasn't into it, but that was after a month -- after 4 seems like a slightly different story you know? We were moving fast enough that there shouldn't have been any surprises after about 2 months... so what could it have been? I guess the answer is that it doesn't matter, she just wasn't right. From my point of view there was nothing wrong with her though, sure wish it could have worked. sam

Hi there, hi to all of you -- I've been reading in the forums for a couple weeks but up until now I've held my tongue. I was going out with a girl for 4 months over the summer and she dumped me about a month ago. This is probably the 7th or 8th serious relationship (2 years, 5 years, 10 months, most have been longer than this one) I've had, but this is the first one where I got dumped -- most of the rest were mutual breakups or me ending it. Now, I don't like to think of myself as a sappy guy, but it's becoming apparent that I might be a bit of a hopeless romantic -- anyway, that's the background. So, seeing this girl, I think she is about the hottest girl I know so that was the initial hook. I think I slept with her on our second or third date and from there it was seeing a lot of her, every other day and I'd say that she was at least as into it as me, she was the one looking to see me as much as me her. In the last month or so that changed a little, she was definitely less into it, but I was out of town on business and away at a wedding so it was to be expected that things would cool down at least a little bit. Anyway, we were talking one night about where it was all going, warning bells started going off so I figured I'd just be honest -- I was totally into her and wanted to keep moving forward. She wasn't quite on the same page, that was clear, but she didn't elaborate on what exactly she did want. Next day, got dumped, she just couldn't make the mental commitment to me that she thought I wanted. Ouch, that sucks, see you round. So since then a few very cordial text messages, emails, ran into her at the bar as our circles overlap she's been tough to avoid but I know the rules, no contact works best. I guess the reason I'm writing is I still can't figure out what went wrong... I really did like this girl and I know sometimes it just doesn't work out but such as never happened to me before. I know she's got no one else on the go (the overlapping circles help in that regard). When I ran into her she was all over me too, holding my hand and laying kisses on my neck while I just sat there trying not to give her the idea I'd take her back even if she wanted me back. And that's about it, since then no contact at all and I'm still like ... what the f happened? So, as it's been about long enough I'm thinking about asking out a new girl who I've been flirting with and I'm feeling rather confident though I have no reason to after this debacle, but I'm still thinking about the ex a lot and quite frankly wishing I wasn't. Wow, see what happens when you bite your tongue? When you finally open up a lot sometimes comes out... hope that didn't bore anyone but I would like to hear what ya'll think.