Cecil de Volange

for everyone who has responded from the story of my tormented heart. I would like to say thank you for all your sympathies and your kindness for at least caring for my health. I have so many scars inflicted in my body which I have to cover with my clothes. Thank you for all your kind words. Although I cannot guarantee that I would be alright, my scars are still fresh, and it is just difficult to let go. An advice for everyone who had their heart broken before is to not follow the path I have been through. My seclusioness led me to my own destruction of severely hurting myself. Fight back and Rise up, not by pushing yourself into destruction.

1) Im intrested in how long you were together? Answer: Almost half a year... 2) Why you ended it? Answer: he was becoming verbablly abusive, and I wanted to save me us from our depressing relationship. I recall my psychology professor's lecture "If you know, it's not going to work out you have have to let them go no matter how much you love the person." 3) Did you regret ending the relationship? Answer: Apart of me did because I was all alone, but It was for the sake of both of us. I Still love him with all my heart. Probably if you read my story "I'M GOING INSANE" you would understand my traumatic events. Its posted, just look for it. 4) Did you get back together? Answer: NO, I wanted to, but I asked myself "why pursue a thing called "Love" that does not exist in his heart?"

Honestly, I am having a very difficult time moving on. I was involved with this man in the spring session of college for a few months although he did not turn out the way I wanted him to be. He use to be the perfect guy, and I deeply love this person. He was my first kiss, my first date, the first guy who had the courage to meet my parent's to ask permission to take me out to dinner, and he was my first on every innocent meaning of first (Except sex, he wants to do it, but I don't because I do not want to dishonor my family). He also have Attention deficit Disorder, but I didn't discriminate him about it then next thing I soon realized how severe his disorder was. He would verbablly abuse me and say every negative words in the dictionary at me, but I tried to understand. I ended it to save us both from our unhappiness, well he was happy, I was having minor depression because of his bluntness self. Now here is the problem which is every wednesday I always stay at school just to catch a glimpse of his face or probably I am hoping he would approach me and say that he would want to get back together. Although the part that he would be with me again is just a figment of the imagination. I know he sees me when he walks by, but he never approach me which means his probably avoiding me. A part of my heart still loves him very deeply, What can I do to have him back? Well, I can't do anything to get him back because he moved on already which means he has a girlfriend. I guess he has another person to be verbablly abusive at, but he does say "hi" to me. I just feel very lonely like I need him for a sense of security... I don't want to be alone.... Somehow I feel like Camille Claudel, the lover of Auguste Rene Rodin (the famous sculptor) Camille went insane losing Rodin and having difficulty moving on. Couple years later she was admitted to a mental institution. I am very much afraid that I might end up like her. I am somehow slowly drifting into madness and about to lose my sanity. I was very much insane for three months when I broke up with him. I would lock myself in my room crying with a broken heart. I would sometimes throw and break objects every where, and sometimes I would be in a corner rocking myself with tears and whispering to myself "He said he loves me...he said I was the one....It was faith he told..." I thought about slicing my wrist ( not in a suicide way) to experience pain. The stimuli of the pain makes all of the painful memories go away yet I decided to throw myself down the stairs to experience that pain. I tend to be like this when I'm having relationship problems or loosing someone I love. From this very day I still kept on repeating my ways to inflict pain to myself. Probably the readers would think "Yup! She's crazy", or "She has so many self-inflicted psychological issues, what a pathetic woman." I just want to have him back. He once said he loves me although he was drunk when he said it on the phone, but I know a part of him did love me. I don't know why I pursue this incompetent imbecile with a slight psychological disorder who has no ambition or a sense of priority. Probably I just want him in an intimate way.......probably I am pusuing an illusion......I am just having difficulty....help me....please help me.... God, please help me...why can't he be eradicated inside my mind....WHY!!!

I agree with wishmistress because in my situation I always fantasized a man desiring me so much that he would just kiss me forcefully like he wants me very badly, but physical and domineering ways is out of the question. Girls don't like getting slap or anything extreme, just the feeling of being desired.

15 and 13?!!!!!!! What is going on with teenager society this days?!?! Actually don't ...don't even do it...OHGaw...Its just very eccentric. Wait till your 18 or until your out of high school or college...pursue your education. You two are not supoose to be even thinking about sex!!!! I sound like my mother...now I'm weird...honestly, everyone would agree with me with what I just said because your situation is a very foolish decision to have sex at that certain age. YOU TWO ARE CHILDREN!!!! LIKE COME ON 13 and 15!!!!!!

It seems your girlfriend really enjoys it, but my question my sound pathetic and eccentric; however, I don't care that is why I asked to know something about it. Now here's my question: Is a girl still a virgin if she puts her finger inside her vagina? I'm just curious...

Me and my ex-boyfriend were such good friend at the very beginning of our first meeting at college. I assumed he was the perfect man for me because he agreed to meet my parent's to ask permission to take me out to dinner (Family tradition). He made me feel very confident and very happy, and sometimes he would say that he wants to marry me someday. I was in love. He became my boyfriend a few days later because he said that it was faith we met; however, he did mention he has ADD (Attention deficit), but I did not discriminate him about his condition. Although after half the month of our relationship it took a down hill, I did not know how severe his disorder. He would just say things bluntly at me, such as "YOUR Stupid", "Typical Asian, your race are all the same", "Shut up!", and just say things out of proportion. He was just becoming verbably abusive, which I will not include some of the words, but he did use every negative words in the dictionary to me. HE would say "I love you" sometimes, but I knew that he was only saying those words to get into my pants, although he never had the chance to devirginized me. I tried my best to make the relationship work although I do not know why I stayed for a while? He was very inaffectionate and starving me from simple affection (A simple kiss and holding hands), so I was always craving intimacy and affection. I never asked him for sex because I don't want him that way. I want him as a boyfriend that I could love, I don't want him in a sex way yet. It was not the right time to lose it, I'm catholic and asian I have moral values. He also won't let me hold his hand in public because he said it is gay. Then All of a sudden I was in class, and my psychology professor was talking about if a relationship is not working out you have to let them go no matter how much you love the person. I ended it even though my heart does not want to end it. Probably I was just hoping that the man I met in the beginning will appear soon, but I know he was long gone. I was crying, and he has no reaction. Just a cold hearted face (He was on medication). I tried to understand, but it was hard for me to undersatnd. I was emotionally and mentally traumatized. I tried to call him in the summer, but I could not pick up the phone. I just waited for him to call, but he never did. I have spent three months crying and isolating myself in my room. Then on After four months of waiting I called him to retain our friendly relationship I guess, although he was interested at first to talk to me. I just want a sense of closure. All of a sudden he said he has a girlfriend. I was heartbroken which conclude I still love him. I started crying which I have no clue why. I guess a part of me still loves him. He did apoligized for mistreating me, and told me to move on. He asked if I have a boyfriend and I replied that I am still single. I always turn my back to all the men who asked me out to dinner. I was having a hard time eradicating him in my mind. I could not move on and ahving a difficult time moving on. We talk a few minutes more and we both said good-bye. I was still crying and hurt. The next day I saw him, and he gave me a hug. My eyes was still puffy from last nights tears, and he asked why I looked sad. I just replied "I always look sad." He walked away to go to his college class. I waited for him after his class, but I was ignored like he did not see me sitting down. Do I still have a chance with him? Does he still want me? Why am I pursuing something that does not exist in his heart? Why am I like this? Help me...