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Everything posted by Ksol9

  1. Thank you figureitout. It's crazy how this thing works. I feel like it hasn't been all white or all black. I just know what I don't want my life to look like anymore and I may not have made as much progress I could have, but the point is, I have been moving forward with my life. I think you made a great point with what you posted about previously. I've done so much digging. I will never forget my counselor saying that self work is the hardest work you will ever do in your life. He could not have been more right. I still haven't figured myself out completely. I have found certain questions that need answering, some I have found answers for already. What I have discovered this far has been enough for me to get some momentum going. I can't see myself taking a step backwards, not at this point. Today was interesting. I've been pretty productive at work now that I have some free time to focus on the management side of things once again. Also, my father recently introduced me to another realtor and her husband in the area. They are an older couple and very experienced. They've been in the industry for much of their adult lives. They work as a team. I met with them alone today. No dad to walk me through, no broker, no friend to accompany me. Just me! I showed them an investment property that my father owns. It will be my first project. They agreed to do business with us and tomorrow I'll call her to setup the listing and agreement. Literally walked out of there thinking, "What just happened??" Everything happens for a reason. I truly believe that. All those doors that I fought with myself and my heart to close, they are opening new ones. I don't know how I pulled all of this off, but I'm here. I'm just going to keep going wherever this road leads me.
  2. I’ve been meaning to come back and respond to your posts, but I’ve had some new things going on. I wanted to let you all know i read them and took a lot of it into consideration. I just couldn’t find the time in the past week to sit and really put my thoughts into words. Things have sort of cooled down at work. We are not working crazy long shifts anymore.. My stress level has definitely gotten much better. I was able to catch up on the work I fell behind on and I signed with a broker! These past few weeks have been a blur and as soon as I saw that things were getting better with the businesses, I decided I needed to get things rolling with real estate. As soon as I got access to all the tools I needed, I submerged myself in it. I’ve been reading and researching nonstop. It’s giving me something else to focus on. Any spare time I get, I’m putting it into educating myself. I also joined the National Assoiciation of Realtors. That alone opened up a ton of resources. It’s something new and I find it very interesting. Dad and I have been talking a lot about future investments. I’m just really excited. I thought a lot about what was last discussed here and I have to acknowledge and accept my part in all the things that have happened with him and I. After all, that’s what this whole journey has been about...me turning inward and facing the hard truth. Forget about him, this is about me. For a very long time, I couldn’t let go. As many of you know from earlier in this journal, so many times I went back. I should have left and never turned back long before I even started writing in this journal about our relationship. I couldn’t let go then and even after our relationship ended, there were parts of me that still didn’t let go. Let’s face it, I have full power over his ability to contact me. I have full control who I let into my life. I don’t want him in my life. He doesn’t deserve a place in my life. Whenever I think about him, I think of him as something that is holding me back, something that is slowing me down. I don’t even know if I’m making sense. Nothing about him make sense. It’s just a dark, dark place that I do my best to ignore and pretend that I was never apart of. I feel so numb when it comes to him. I’m not healed and I know it. I’m not ready to let anyone new in my life because I don’t feel I’ve done enough work in myself. There are times I still feel anger for him and any sadness is now resentment. Time does heal, but finally letting go completely and infinitely, healing, growing, finding total peace, and genuinely wishing the best for that person? I haven’t found it “completely” yet. I don’t think it’s hope, I see it as part of the process. I have set some straightforward goals for myself, there are no more detours. My heart won’t let me take those anymore. Im moving forward with my life and that’s a fact! My sister jokingly said I need to be more social and that she’s worried about me always being at home. I’ve turned into quite the homebody. I really enjoy being alone at home and in peace. It’s the most prized thing I got from leaving him. I’m going to enjoy it for as long as I can and while I build a new and solid foundation for myself, I know in time it will open new doors. Everything happens when the time is right. That is my belief. I’ll write again soon. Worked all day today and yesterday on my website. It’s about 80% done. I’m typing this with a smile. Feeling grateful for a lot these days. Goodnight.
  3. Good morning figureitout, You’ve given me something to think about here and I agree it’s something I need to explore. Why haven’t I put this to a complete end? I do have the power to do so. No one has the ability to stay in my life in any capacity if I don’t want them to. Why is it that I’ve allowed this? I am not sure if it’s hope, if it’s just that I don’t want to create tension, or if it’s just a plain habit that I’ve become addicted to. I can tell you that I definitely feel this pattern is an unhealthy one. It’s as though I’m allowing this one negative thing to linger. I don’t think I depend on him contacting me to give me strength. When I decided that I would leave for good, I remember telling myself that if I never heard from him again, I’d be ok with it. I didn’t need him to move forward with my life. When I think about my feelings when I hear from him now, i feel confirmation that I’ve done the right thing and I don’t neccessarily think I am still in need of confirmations and reassurances. It’s like I want to prove to myself that he’s no good. You’ve really put me to think about things. Especially dependancies and addictions. I was, at one point very addicted to this man and this toxic relationship if I put it in terms of addictions. The point is, I want to get better. I want to improve the quality of my life. That has been burning inside for a long while now and I think it’s the reason I am where I am. Anything anyone says, I will explore because maybe it’s something I am in denial about or something I’m not consciously aware of. Give me some time to think this through. Awareness has been such a powerful thing to me. Going to think about all that you’ve said. My mind is racing right now. I really need to make some time to sit with myself and dig deep about this. I have not spoken to my counselor in quite some time. Not sure if he still has an office in town. It’s worth sending him an email though.
  4. I woke up way before my alarm clock is supposed to go off. That seems to be the trend lately. I can’t sleep at night and then when I do fall asleep, I wake up way before the alarm. Lose, lose. So this is where the things I learned in therapy need to come into play. When life gets stressful, I really need to focus on the things I can control. I feel like I haven’t really had time to actually sit and assess things. it seems as though when I got back from my week off, things went haywire and they’ve been that way ever since. I haven’t been able to think about anything other than what is going on in our businesses. I’ve been feeling like I need to slow down, take some time to reflect, and get myself in order. I’ve bern very much in control of my circumstances for about a year now. This is probably the first time I am being put under pressure and stress from life itself. I honestly need to be thankful it isn’t due to a personal relationship or something of the sort. Those kinds of problems are like bleeding wounds where you can’t stop the bleeding. Im not sure if I’m handling things well. I feel like I’m not getting much of anything done other than stressing myself out and as a result, I I’m not making the best business decisions. I’m going to make a list of things I have to take care of and focus on that first. I guess that is a start. Hope you all had a nice 4th. Enjoy the remainder of your week.
  5. Happy 4th! Just got in from work. The weather is really nice and sunny. We are expecting some rain this evening, but it shouldn’t get in the way of fireworks. We are going to bbq this evening. My sister and her family are in town until Sunday so we’re soaking up all the time we can get with her son. He’s such a joy. Aside from that, I’m just trying to get on with the show. Things are not perfect and we are still dealing with some issues at our businesses and employees. We just have to keep moving forward. That’s all you can do.
  6. Don’t worry about being harsh or that you are instructing me, this man has always had my mind in some sort of fog. Do you recall how I used to tremble when I used to have conversations with him? How he used to scream and raise his voice at me because I was stating an opinion different from his? My lips used to literally quiver as I would speak. I remember it so clearly and I’m angry with myself for not listening to my body at the time, much less anyone else. You’re absolutely right, he has taken enough from me and I’m no longer the woman he once thought I was. Yesterday, I sent him a text to his direct number. The text simply said, “I don’t want anything to do with you. You have no respect. Do not contact me ever again.” I then put the block back on his number. Im almost certain that will go in one ear and out the other. I should have gave him a piece of my mind when he was on the phone standing outside of my house. I was just in shock. I don’t believe I am the only woman he is playing this game with. He’s circulating. I’m willing to bet everything on that. That alone is scary. He has no feelings nor does he have respect for anyone. Am I wrong to be thinking this way about him? I have a hard time believing this is normal behavior. We are still having problems at work. Im under a lot of stress. I’m trying to keep a good attitude, but that’s not really working. These problems are keeping me awake at night. It’s the first thing that enters my mind when I open my eyes. One of our employees is returning from out of the country on July 28th. That’s almost an entire month of this stress. We still need to hire one additional person and my father is stalling for some reason. I have to have a serious chat with him again soon. We can’t continue like this, over working our employees and my mother. My mother is a housewife. She has been working every single day with me. It’s not right. This whole situation is not right. I’m really upset. This issue is major in comparison to what happened with him showing up at my front door. I feel like my hands are tied and I honestly want to scream and cry, but then I remind myself, things could be much worse.
  7. Thank you for touching on this. It’s what’s bothering me. I think apart of me fears anyone disliking me. It is just in my nature to be that way. You Know how long I’ve been working on my self worth and confidence. Ultimately, I shouldn’t care what a single soul thinks. What’s right is right and what’s wrong is wrong. You said it perfectly. He has no respect for me or what I am comfortable with. Do I go out of my way to contact him to make things clear or just wait for him to pop up again? Either way, it’s bothering me because he doesn’t belong in my life and I’d like to tell him that. I have to be clear about that. I would agree that my stress about this situation will disappear once I do so. I know well enough,if i stay true to myself, I live anxiety free.
  8. I agree with you bolt. I don’t have any doubts about it and it’s definitely not a life I want. I have to work again today. Have been working every single day since our employee quit. We have not gotten a new person in yet and when we do we have to train them. Have not felt like this in a long while. I’m terrified of going in. In fear that he’ll just show up with kids again. I’m not terrified that he’ll hurt me or do anything like that. Just the fact that I’ll be cornered and have no choice but to tell him what I really feel about him. I don’t like this feeling. I feel uneasy and I don’t appreciate another person making me feel this way. Again, not love. Have not heard from him and I have not said anything. My guess is he will wait and then pop up and act like nothing happened. I’m really stressed. A big part of me, the new me, wants to call him and set him straight, “in plain language”, as you said. Just so that I have it off my chest. Then apart of me just feels its better not to not waste the energy at all and leave things as they are as it will fall on deaf ears. He’s not respecting boundaries or changing anytime soon.
  9. Hi bolt, thanks for the reinforcement. The first and only thing that came to mind was something my counselor taught me. Slow down, don’t react. He always said sometimes it’s better to do nothing at all. By doing nothing, you can’t mess anything up. I am just leaning towards not putting any energy into him at all. I feel drained and I feel it’s useless. You said the exact thing my mother said. This was what he has done so so many times and so, so many times I went back, I forgave, I brushed everything under the rug and went right back like nothing ever happened. He still thinks I’m the same. She also said this was all about his ego. I do not believe for a second this man has feelings for me. I strongly believe he is desperately seeking some attention because maybe he can not freely get it from somewhere else. I am really struggling to believe this is normal behavior. Something deep down inside and even the voices in the back of my mind are screaming something is terribly wrong here. It feels bad. Just a bad, bad vibe. There is certainly nothing loving about this. I know I sound foolish, but everything seems foggy. Is there something wrong with him? Do men behave this way? Thank you for letting me know that you think I handled this correctly. I have always questioned myself when it came to him and even now, now that I’ve built myself back up, I still question myself a little. This is very scary. Im a very private person. I don’t let people know where we live. I know it’s a bit hypocritical because I share quite a bit here on a public forum, but we live a very reserved and conservative life. I mean he’s been here many times before, but to just show up like that after all this time. It’s scary when someone crosses those boundaries. I’m a human being and I had real feelings for this man and those children. I still do to a certain extent. From a distance I guess. It still hurts me to know he does not and will not ever respect me. He can’t be apart of my life in no way, shape, or form. “You were warned”. Not to be dramatic, but that is such a controlling and manipulative thing to say. Creepy. I don’t find that funny if he said it as a joke. I’m going to try to put what happened behind me. I don’t expect to hear from him right away because I do agree that his ego has been bruised because I rejected him, but when he resurfaces I’m going to firmly tell him what I really think. I’m waiting to set this straight. He can not do these things anymore. I do have to protect myself and my family. You are 100% right about that.
  10. Hi BEG, I’m feeling very confused. After he left, I walked around in circles a few times saying, “I can’t believe what just happened.” I laid in my bed, wrote my last post in an attempt to vent, get my feelings out, make sense, just something. I ended up falling asleep. I woke up a little while ago still very tired. I have a lot going on in my mind that I don’t know how to put into words. Deep down inside I just want to cry. I feel like this strength is exterior and there’s pain hiding deep down inside. I’m upset and angered by his actions. He has never shown his face since the day I left him. Months and months go by of me fighting with my heart to move forward with my life. All the while, he continued to pop in over and over, sending nonsensical text messages. He has never sat down with me and discussed the nonsense that has gone on between us. Not once has he suggested to make amends with me. Any attempt to meet with me seemed like it was for fun and games..just a good time. He went on to have dealings with another women. Even throughout that relationship, he was still contacting me. Fast forward and here we are today. His kids are here for the summer. He uses them as a tool to show up at my house. What did he expect to happen? He was speaking as if things were perfectly fine between us. Like things had not changed. “Get dressed, we’re coming to pick you up.” His daughter even said in the background how he looks crazy. “Dad she said she wasn’t home!” Why does he do these things? He does not respect my boundaries! I wanted to call him shortly after and set him straight. I wanted to put him in his place. Who does he think he is? Doesn’t he understand that he hurt me and that also involves my family. My mother has not seen or heard from him in just as long as I haven’t seen him. Was she supposed to welcome him in our home? He is not welcome here. I don’t understand the logic in his thinking. Was this a moment of him losing control of himself? He’s normally prettly cool and collected. I have only experienced this from him on one other occasion and it was also when the kids came to visit. Other than that, he will not call me or attempt to see me face to face. How ironic is that? He knows I will not speak of anything out of line with the children present. He knows I will pretend as if everything is fine. I just want to cry and I don’t even know why. I never ended up calling him and he hasn’t attempted to contact me. He knows that was a wrong move. Really wrong move. How dare he put me in a position like that. I really don’t know what to say. I’m ok, but my mind is just racing. Why is this happening? Is this normal? What do I do? Do I just let it go, ignore it, and continue as I was doing? When is this ever going to stop? I’ve gotten him out of my life and every time he pops back in, he shows me he hasn’t changed a single bit. No changes form him at all. Just chaos and drama. I’m even questioning if I was wrong for lying and saying I was not home. Maybe I should have went outside, chatted with the children, and politely declined to go with them. Send them on their way and that would be that. Here I go questioning myself. Maybe I make all these problems for myself. What am I doing wrong?
  11. My heart is racing at the moment. I’m trying to wrap my head around this..this can’t be normal behavior...a normal person would respect your boundaries. What is really going on here? What just happened was pure craziness. I was in the shower and I heard a few text messages. When I got out, I saw it was a strange number. Just by the content, I knew it was him. There were a number of messages saying he was coming over, that I’ve been warned, that he was coming to pick me up. I took the block off my phone and called him immediately. Kids are in the car and he’s saying...get dressed, I’m coming to pick you up. What!?? He can’t be serious. He hasn’t had the balls to come and talk to me in my face I haven’t seen him in over a year and now that the children are here, he grew a pair? He actually had the nerve to get out of his truck and knock on my door! My mother was in the room next to me. I told her not to answer the door. I told him I wasn’t home and that he needed to leave. He was so persistent that he walked up to the window on the side of the garage and saw that my car was actually in the garage. He knew I was lying, but I refused to see him. I don’t know if I was wrong for that. Maybe I should have went outside and told him off, but I just didn’t want the confrontation. I’m just in shock. Real shock. Can’t believe that just happened. Hope I’m making sense. He finally left when I kept telling him I’m going to call my mother and have her come out there. I kept asking him, “why would you do this???” I really don’t understand what just happened. Or what he’s up to. That was pure crazy. Who does things like that? He is a loose canon. He does not have any respect. What in the world was he thinking? I don’t know what to think right now. Need to take a little breather and wrap my head around what just happened. Be back later....
  12. Nothing, and I mean nothing, is worth destroying all the progress I’ve made. It took a lot of tears, heard work, and peserverance to get where I am. I’m not, not, not going back to that dark place. There’s so much pain there. I’m no one to be diagnosing anyone, something just isn’t right about him. I do not believe he is a healthy individual. When I was with him, I was not a healthy individual. That is why we were not able to have a healthy relationship. He has not changed, but I have. He’s not worth the risk. I haven’t seen him face to face in over a year, you are right, I don’t know what feelings it will evoke. He has never once spoken to me directly about anything he has put me through. He barely admitted any wrongdoing. Zero accountability. We are not friends and I don’t intend to mend any fences with someone like that. It has crossed my mind that he may show up at my workplace with the children in tow. I’ve played it out in my mind how I would react if that were to happen. Just going to play it cool. Not sure what he’s up to or if he’s up to anything at all, but I’m aware that the kids will be in town until the end of July. I went to the doctor today because I haven’t fully gotten over the cold I had a few weeks ago. It seemed to have gotten worse when I got back to work on Monday. I went to the dr today and the doctor confirmed what I already knew. I can’t get over this cold because my resistance is low. Stress is a major player. When I’m under a lot of stress from work, I felt my symptoms became worse. He heard some wheezing in my breathing. Prescribed some strong meds. Hopefully that will help. As for the stress from work, I have some interviews lined up for tomorrow. I have one strong candidate that I’m pretty sure we are going to hire. That is going to relieve a ton of stress off of me. I need to take deep breaths. It’s always going to be one thing after the next. I need to remind myself that there is always a solution. We will get through all these challenges.
  13. I know nothing about the business. I’m walking into a field that I have no knowledge of other than the market conditions and what I learned in the book. I think this realtor a good place to start. As for him, he has been contacting me from different phone numbers. I believe they are spoofed numbers. I called it back and it just rings and rings. No one picks up. I do not have any strange calls, nor do I give my personal phone number out. I get a lot of business calls, but they call directly not text. I know it’s him. After writing my last post, I thought things through. I should not be carrying any guilt. I should not be worrying about what anyone else is thinking or feeling. This is about me. I believe I was overthinking the whole thing way too much last night. He sent that text late Sunday night. I did not respond until Monday night. I was extremly busy and stressed all day. I didn’t think about it until I layed in bed. I’ve put some good thought into it now though. I’m not against seeing the children, but he doesn’t need to communicate with me to allow that. He knows where my office is. I don’t know what he’s up to or if he’s up to anything at all, but this foolishness is not going to fly with me. I really don’t have the time for it with all the other things I have going on. Quick question, does anyone know anything about spoofed numbers? Guess I could google it, but how are they able to receive text messages to a spoofed phone number? Time to get up for work. Have a great day everyone!
  14. Work is eating me alive. Running a family business has it’s advantages, but it also comes with a ton of stress. Right now, I feel very overwhelmed. I got back from out of town on Sunday. I tried to rest as much as I could when I got back from our trip. Monday rolled around and when I walked into my dad’s office, a woman who is a realtor and who has done some business with my dad was sitting in his office. She begins by telling us she has been trying get a hold of my dad for a few weeks. That she wanted to talk to him about a few commercial real estate deals. I’ve known her most of my life. She admires my father very much and never fails to tell me to always listen to him because he is very wise. I already know these things of course. Anyhow, he explains that I got my license and she offers to mentor me. She gives me some sound advice on what to do next and gives me her card. She said she will set me up with her broker so I can get registered with him. I consider that an open door. I’ve learned that when things align, to take the hint. When one door opens, walk through it. I needed to sleep on it and I’ve pretty much decided I’m going to pursue her advice. I plan to call her within the next few days as soon as I get things under control with the businesses. This morning we had an employee walk out on us. He has some personal issues going on and it translated into unhappiness with work. He just didn’t show up and decided he wouldn’t be returning. We’re already short on employees. This means extra work and stress on my parents and I. I immediately put out an ad to recruit a new person. I know it doesn’t happen overnight, but I hope I find someone soon. Furthermore, I received a text from him. He sent a text saying, “The kids are here and they would like to see you. If you're okay with that let me know.” I didn’t respond until the following day, which was yesterday. I asked how long they would be in town and he responded saying til the end of July. I didn’t say anything after thatand he left it at that. That was a little awkward and strange. I get the feeling he is trying to see if I make an effort to see them. It’s not that I don’t care about the kids, but I’m just numb and they’re really not my business anymore (I hope I don’t sound mean or insensitive because they truly are wonderful children).. I’m pretty sure he is back with the same girl he was with. I don’t know for sure as I haven’t see him, heard anything, nor have I gone on any social media outlets. I’m just assuming. What is a man who is in a relationship calling his ex to see his kids? I don’t think that text was genuine at all. He was just checking the temperature. Maybe I shouldn’t be thinking like this. Maybe the kids really did ask if they could visit me and he sent out the text? I guess I’m just conditioned to be skeptical of him. I think I just wanted to acknowledge the text, so I wouldn’t feel like a cold hearted person. I wouldn’t actually make an effort to see the children. I hope and pray for their happiness from far away, that’s alll. I’m very grateful to have had the opportunity to be apart of their lives at one point in time, but I’ve moved on and I’ve grown from that experience. “Make amends and then move forward.” A quote I heard on a video I saw on YouTube. It really resonated with me. It’s really what I hope to accomplish concerning the situation with my past. Making amends doesn’t mean him and I ever need to talk or see eachother for closure. It’s moreso internal for me. Just going to leave things as they are. I have so many things going on in my mind. Work being at the top. Hope I find a solution soon. Everyday can’t be a good day. Tomorrow is going to be better. Sorry for the rant.
  15. Hi bolt! Nice hearing from you. Hope you are doing well. One of the reasons I chose to get my license is because of my flexible schedule. I have a few friends who work in the industry and they too have said the same things. Long and odd hours. Most people look at homes on the weekends. I know it’s not easy and it’s very competitive. I’m not committed to anything other than my work right now, so I’m willing to put in some extra effort. I also agree that it may be better to go with a smaller independent brokerage. I’ve been doing quite a bit of research in terms of choosing a broker. I think it’s moreso important that I put my all into whatever it is that I choose to do at this point in my life. After all that I’ve been through, I think it’s time I put my all into our family businesses, my new endeavor, and my family rather than wasting my energy on a relationship that drains me and dulls my shine. It’s all apart of the process, the process I set out on about a year ago. All of this work has to pay off. It just has to.
  16. My nephew is the cutest! I’m spending a week with my sister and her family. I haven’t seen him since March, which was when he turned 1. He has grown quite a bit. He’s running and attempting to talk. When I last saw him he wasn’t too sturdy on his feet. He was just learning to walk. It’s amazing how quickly they develop. It’s true when people say the early years go by so fast and to savor them when they are small. He gave me the best hug when I got here.. He’s just the sweetest. The only downside is getting up at 5am. My sister has to get up for work at that time. The baby is up by 6. Her husband is training this week for a new teaching job. My mom and I will be at home with the baby. Although I don’t have to be up and out of bed, I’m a light sleeper and I dont fall back to sleep easily. Pretty much the reason I’m babbling on here. Hope I’m not boring anyone. I plan to research brokers in my area so maybe by next week I’ll have some interviews set up. Other than that, I’m taking a break from working on anything else.
  17. I feel like I’ve been going at a rate of 100 mph lately. I got home around 5pm from the office today and just crashed. I fell into a deep sleep. I slept for about 3 hours. Not sure if I’m going to be able to go to sleep tonight. I’d like to take Dad out for breakfast tomorrow. He’s been working quite a bit too, so I have a feeling he would like to sleep in tomorrow. We bought him a really nice watch for father’s days. I’m excited to give it to him. Later in the day, Mom and I are leaving to visit my sister for 1 whole week. I’ve become such a homebody that Id rather lock myself in my house for a whole week, but knowing me, I wouldn’t be able to stay away from work. This break is going to be good for me. I can feel myself reaching my threshold. I really need a break. Ive been doing a good job of blocking out negativity these days. I try my best not to even talk about it anymore, but I find myself just wanting to vent. Maybe venting it will allow me to just let it go and keep it moving. It hasn’t served me in a healthy way to keep things inside. This very site was a huge part of my healing. In addition to attending therapy sessions, writing alone was therapeutic. I’ve written so much about him on here it’s pitiful. I almost feel wrong including him in my posts anymore. A few days prior to my state exam, I got a text from him. It was from an unrecognizable number. I hadn’t heard from him in over a month. In fact it felt like much longer than that. The text read, “Hi, it’s me. Please respond.” I knew it was him. I haven’t let anyone new in my life, who else could it be?. I deleted it and submerged myself back into studying. I don’t know how, but I didn’t even think twice about it. Haven’t thought about it until tonight. I was so focused on my exam that I didn’t want him or anyone else to deter me from what I wanted to accomplish. I don’t feel sorry for myself, but I don’t know what it is. He just hurt me so deeply by the way he conducted himself in the relationship, the entire relationship, that when I hear from him, it strikes a nerve still. Still, to this day. I think what bothers me or hurts me is that even after all this time, he has never once found it in himself to have a real conversation with me. It’s been a year of these little pops ins to see if I’m looking for a good time. (I’m rolling my eyes.) it’s hurtful. As disgusted and angry at him that I am, I think deep down inside I’m still hurt by it all. Deep down inside it’s not resolved. Truthfully, I think that is what my issue is when it comes to him. I haven’t found a way to resolve it or make amends (with myself) completely. I’m working on it, but it’s just so darn hard. If I was healed completely, I think I wouldn’t care, I’d be indifferent. I don’t know. I’m not in pain over him anymore. Just my thoughts on the matter. Haven’t picked up a book to read for leisure in a while. Think I’m going to read until I fall asleep.
  18. Thank you, thank you! It took a couple days to get my actual license. I’m all registered and ready to start making some money. A family member has an investment property to sell and also wants to purchase another. That will be my first project. I’ve been so busy with work that I haven’t really had the time to research what I need to do from this point forward. All I know is I have my license in my hand and I need to find a good broker to mentor me. Work has me pretty stressed and tired these days. I’m taking a week off and will use it to rest and recharge. I haven’t had a break in months, so this is long overdue. I’ve been reflecting a lot on how far I’ve come. The farther away I get from everything I went through in that unhealthy relationship, I realize just how unhealthy I was. Time really has been key. My sister says I should just dive in and just get started. I’ve learned to be a little more calculated. Going to do some research before deciding on a brokerage. Thank you for following my journey. The beginning was very rough for me and rightfully so. Nothing good comes easy. I still play tug of war with myself. I’m going to keep fighting my way to a healthier lifestyle and better me. Hope you all are well!
  19. I said to myself I would come back here to share the news when I got my real estate license. I finally accomplished that one little goal I set for myself. I passed the test! As I drove back home from the testing center, I kept looking over to the passenger seat where I laid my exam results on the seat. I haven’t taken an exam in years. The last exam I think I took was in graduate school when I took the MCAT. I’m not as rusty as I thought. A year ago I set out to transform myself and change the direction of my life. The biggest heartbreak I have ever experienced sent me searching. At first it was a panick to figure out a way to save “us”. It wasnt long before I realized, the one needing saving was myself. This took me longer than expected, but accomplishing this goal means a lot to me. I set a few other goals since last year. I had achieved all of the short term ones. This one was the last on the list. I feel accomplished....and relieved. It’s time for a new list.
  20. You said it right. He has NOT changed. At this point in his life, after everything he has gone through, his divorce, his childhood, past relationships, everything, if he hasn’t taken some time for introspection, he has no intentions of changing or bettering his life. Hurt people, hurt others. He is going to continue hurting the women he has relationships with until he heals himself. He wants to live this way. He’s not going to change and will not change. Not anytime soon. You along with others on this forum have said to me many times, if I do not stop him from entering my life in any way, I run the risk of ending up right where I started. Do I remember how I awful it was to live like that? I remember often how paralyzing it was to live in that environment. I was never going to break that pattern until I took a good look at myself and examined why I chose to be with a man like that. I’m never going back. I can’t see myself ever sitting with him face to face anywhere because I know what he’s all about and I don’t think very highly of him. I’m saying that nicely. I’ve come too far and have worked too hard to ever go down that road again. He’s had enough time if I was ever hoping for anything. I’ve outgrown him for sure and I feel it’s time for me to stop him from even having the option of contacting me. I don’t think I’ve ever experienced something like this from a man. I don’t think I’ve ever declined a dinner invitation from the same man so many times in my entire life. Many have told me I was going to be the one to put this to a stop. I understand that statement now. Enough about him. I’ve been working on some new projects at work. That has been keeping me extremely busy. I have full control over my life and I like it this way. I do a very good job of protecting my peace. I have a lot of guards up about that. I’m still set on not dating or anything like that for now. Self work is still a main focus of mine. I’ve been thinking about my counselor every so often. I never heard from him again. Not sure if he is still out of state or if he’s back now. I’ve thought about contacting hiim. Just to check in and see what he thinks about my progress, but I’ve decided to wait. There is something I’d like to accomplish first. Life is never going to be without burdens or challenges. I learned that its so much more fulfilling to continuously challenge yourself to grow and change. Your peace and happiness should be protected to the highest degree and that your physical and mental health is wealth. Who would have thought that the woman I was a year ago, that frail, dependent, and confused woman would turn into this person I am today? I think I’ve gained a lot of wisdom and I say that in the most humble way. I surprise myself sometimes. It took me a long time to realize what was so clear as day to others. This weekend is for relaxing, nail salon, and naps. Hope you all have a good one!
  21. So crazy that the last time I came here to write, it was a few days after that he popped up again. What am I talking about? I’m not surprised. I was not sure who it was. The text came from another strange number. I was in the shower when the first one came in. As I was drying off, another text. When I finally opened them, he wrote saying he had a dream about me. I walked into the room and he dropped everything and ran over to me and hugged me. He said it felt like an eternity. ughh spare me. I’m literally rolling my eyes. I knew it was him at that point. He also mentioned he saw me walking to my car at my office. Another indication it was him. I was angry. It’s been a whole year. He knows where I work, he knows my number. Why hasn’t he ever made the effort to talk to me in my face about everything?! No real effort has ever been made to save or change or anything. If he was ever genuine, if he ever had good intentions, it wouldn’t look like this. This was all boiling up in that moment. I wasn’t scrambling for words. I was just thinking if I should say anything or not. If it would benefit me or not. I did finally respond and I told him that I was going to put all this to an end, that I was going to stop him from doing this. Before I could finish typing, (here’s where it got weird) he sent a series of messages saying he found consciousness and is now responsible, that he was selfish and only thought about himself...and how it relates to our situation. The texts kept coming. In between he asked if we could go out to dinner “please”. Then he says all He thought about was myself. I promise you won’t be wasting your time if go out to dinner and spend some time with me. Then another, ksol you’re a bunch of games! I’m apprehensive about talking to you! I would like to think that I'm living the right path that the Lord had created for me but I'm very crucial of myself so I just know that when I go to bed I know and I may think that I've done the right thing. Those were his exact words. Whattt? That was it..I couldnt take it anymore. He sounded like a total weirdo. He was literally trying to convince me with that mess. As if I was going to believe he was a well put together, goal oriented, good church going guy?? He can’t be serious. I interrupted the texting. I said to him...this has to stop. If you text or call again, I’m going to report this to the police. I want nothing to do with the circus show you’ve been running. You have never once came to speak to me like a respectable adult. That speaks volumes. Everything you are saying speaks volumes. Youre not fooling anyone, you have taken zero time for introspection. I don’t care what you do with yAour life, I wish you well. If you contact me again, I’m going to call the police and report you for harassing me! That was it. He never responded and I never heard from him after that. I’ve never spoken to him that way before. I’ve always been sort of nonchalant. I did always entertain him in some way. This has been gong on for a year now. It really has to stop. Out of curiosity, a few days later I was having lunch with my mom. I was using her phone and decided to go on Facebook. I still have not re-activated any of my social media accounts. Have never looked at his page or the woman he met a few months ago. I searched her name and looked at her page. There were numerous posts before the date he contacted me. She posted about toxic relationships and how she is not chasing anymore. Memes about being hurt by a man. Those posts went on starting in March. Go figure. Her most recent post was a few days after he contacted me. there was a picture of her and her friends having dinner. At the other end of the table, there he sat. Strange placement I thought. Anyhow, I handed the phone back to my mom. I was looking for confirmation I guess. I’m not wrong about him. He’s running a circus show. I can guess he gave her a silent treatment for a couple months. Tormenting her, back and forth emotional games, toxic...just toxic. I won’t allow that in my life anymore. He’s gone but I allowed him the opportunity to pop in when he pleased. Not anymore. I don’t want him in my life in any way shape or form. This is just ridiculous to me and the way he sounded was somewhat deranged. I have to get ready for work, but I just wanted to share. I can’t allow this anymore. He makes me sick. I’ve placed a block on my phone that will only let saved contacts through. If he gets through that, I’m reporting him. It will affect my business calls, but at this point I don’t care. Eventually I’ll remove the block and most of my business calls are outgoing anyway. For now, I’m ok with this. I’ve doubted myself a few times, even wondering if he’s right about me building this illusion about him. Either way, it’s not in my best interest to allow him anywhere near me. He has never said anything to me that is worth listening to. Hope you all are doing well. Have a good one!
  22. Hi bolt! Nice to hear from you. Yes, his number is still blocked. He has been using some sort of app get through with a different number. At first I thought it was a friend’s phone, but I pretty much know their phone numbers (the few friends/coworkers he has). I blocked that number after the first time, but then he contacted again with another number, then again with another. Each time I blocked. I could almost bet my life that he’s playing a back and forth game with the girlfriend, going to massage parlors, giving her silent treatments, etc. in between all of that, he’s contacting me and whoever else. I don’t know this for sure, but his past behavior has taught me this is how he operates. If he comes around here again, I’m pretty sure I’m going to tell him off. His games are pathetic.
  23. I agree with you. Funny you wrote this post because shortly after I last heard from him, I remember thinking to myself, “this has to stop.” I just don’t want him in my life at all...in no way shape or form. Meaning I needed to stop him from using those apps or some other means of contacting me. It’s been a year, one whole year, and he has been dancing around, popping up with nothing good to say. I don’t have any toxic or bad people in my life, why in the world would I allow him to continue to do what he has been doing? I didn’t think much about the last time he contacted and I felt like it was so long ago, but I realized the last contact was made 3 weeks ago. I haven’t stopped to really take a look at how frequently he has been attempting to contact. I really think I’m at a point where I can make sure this is handled for good. He makes me sick. His ridiculous behavior is nauseating.
  24. Happy Sunday! Ive been thinking a lot lately. Maybe even putting a lot of unneeded pressure on myself. It’s approaching one year since I left him. One year since I dove head first into my self discovery. I needed this. Solitude was the best medicine. I can tell you exactly how I want to live my life and how I don’t. Those kinds of answers I didn’t have before. In fact, I was walking blindly, aimlessly. I’ve made a lot of progress internally, but I moved back in with my parents and I haven’t achieved much as far as establishing myself independently. My real estate course, I haven’t finished. I’m working on it, but not as much as I’d like. That I can change. I can’t get myself in gear and finish what I started there, but when is enough, enough? When is it time to come out of hiding and get myself out there? I feel safe. I’m comfortable and I know I can’t stay like this forever. I’ve completely cut myself off from any idea of a new relationship. Friends? Once or twice every couple of months, I head out of town for some fun. In fact, I went of out town for the weekend for a concert. I had a blast. Life is good, but what if I’m stuck again? I had a good solid year of self care. Is it time to get back out there? Not just new love. My career? I am putting all my energy into our family businesses, self care, and feeding myself positive talk daily. Maybe I’m just being hard on myself. I knew this thing would take patience. I think I’m just ready to do something more for myself.
  25. Good Morning Everyone! Feeling a whole lot better. Stomach bugs are the worst! I was finally able to eat a full meal yesterday. Today I’m going to resume my regular eating. Not sure if I should get back to exercise just yet since I haven’t been able to fully replenish my body. I’ve never been a patient person. I just couldn’t wait to start feeling better. Your health really is wealth. Since self care has become one of my top priorities, getting sick really upset me...in more ways than one. Lol. Okay, enough of that. My counselor just ran across my mind. I haven’t heard from him in so long. If you remember, he had to go out of state to take care of a few things. I spoke to him a few times via phone session and then nothing. I really hope he’s ok. Boy, was he a huge help to me as well. I never thought counseling would change my life. How it all happened, just my whole story...it’s just something to reflect on sometimes. I knew deep down inside something wasn’t right. Something never felt right and I went digging. I started digging until I found myself! One of the first things my counselor told me was to listen to my instincts and to trust it. It was something I needed to work on. I could go on, but I’ll probably be late for work. I’m really grateful for this journey and for all who helped me through...all who are still guiding me. Have a great day everyone!
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