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Everything posted by Ksol9

  1. Anxiety is absolutely manageable. Especially when it’s circumstantial. Your therapist will show you how to focus on changing things you can control and how to let go of the things you can not. You may never be completely rid of anxiety, but you can make life more enjoyable and fulfilling. For me, a lot of self care and spiritual awareness helped me tremendously. I don’t think I will ever stop working on myself. For the rest of my life, I will work on myself and becoming a better person. That is what really helped me manage my anxiety. Good luck to you!
  2. Happy Thanksgiving all! Im having a great day with family. We just ate so I’m trying to give my tummy a chance to digest before I go back for seconds. I could use a nap right now. Its sunny and 79 degrees out! Really beautiful day! Hope you all are having a good day and eating lots of yummy food!
  3. Thanks Realitynut. I do think I’m awesome , but I’m not sure he thinks so. I think he’s just doing what he’s always done. When we were in a relationship and even afterwards, I saw him reconnect with women from his past (on social media). I’ve seen him circulate repeatedly with the same women. I’m just one of them. I don’t know what he’s up to these days because I have not checked up on him in a long while, but I can make a solid guess that he hasn’t changed much. Hate to be so negative, but this is what he has taught me about himself. Another weird thing happened yesterday. I received a text message from his daughter. She said they’ve been trying to contact him for 3 days and have not heard from him. She asked if I could check on him. The children still live with their mother in a different state. I didn’t respond. I’m assuming he told them he saw me because why would she think after all this time I have contact with her father? I don’t want to be involved. I’m so protective of my energy these days. I just closed myself off this entire weekend. I got a lot of rest. I can’t wait to visit my sister. I’m planning to leave on Tuesday. If I could leave today, I would. Work has been very stressful and I think I’m at my capacity. I need a break.
  4. I read in an article somewhere and the bells that went off in my head were louder than loud. For some reason this article spoke to me so clearly and the words were put in perfect order. “We expect from others what we are not giving ourselves.” Why didn’t I realize this before?? I still have a hard time understanding why I put myself through so much grief in relationships. Why couldn’t I see through my own codependency? How in the world could I think some of my habits were normal? My ex...yes, the ex I wrote about in this very journal, showed up at my workplace a couple days ago. Can you believe that? We split over 2 years ago. I don’t have any feelings for him. I mean not even anything in between. All this time I’ve told myself I just needed to stay away from him. That eventually I’d be strong enough to forget about him. And I did. I did become strong enough to move on with my life. I didn’t forget about him, but I just moved on. He wanted to know if I’d go out to dinner with him. I declined. I didn’t react or overreact. I just treated him like a normal person. Like someone I used to know. I’ve put it all behind me. I’m not angry or sad or anything. Just indifferent I guess. He taught me a lot. That relationship taught me a lot, so I’m grateful for it I guess. We spoke a little outside. Casual conversation about life. Im not the same person I was and I’m smart enough to know he is probably just making rounds. I’m almost certain not much has changed in his world and honestly I really don’t care. Funny how things happen. I know I have to be mindful of what that could mean by him stopping by and I’m totally aware. If he believes he can fool me or pull me back in somehow, he’s got a rude awakening coming. Thanksgiving is approaching. Love this time of year. Counting down the days until I leave to visit my sister for a week. In need of a little break.
  5. Ahh yes, self care at it’s finest. I like that saying...”date yourself!” I really do enjoy being alone. I think I’ve posted about this before. I’ve gotten so comfortable being alone that sometimes I think I may be too comfortable. I value my time alone and I think I should start doing things for myself like you mentioned above. Somewhere along the way, I got too carried away with work. Not healthy.
  6. Hope everyone had an enjoyable Monday. I pretty much took the day off since I've been working myself crazy. I really wanted to visit a new park that recently opened. There has been a lot of excitement around it because it's pretty spectacular. The weather was just gorgeous, so I thought it would be a great day to jog with my dog at the park. Afterwards, I came home to some laundry, a nap, and now I'm just getting organized for the rest of the week. I had a really great day. I haven't been to ENA in a while. I've been so busy. It's like life just took over and I haven't really had any time to just sit and do nothing. I used to have so much time on my hands just a couple years ago. Sad that I didn't know what to do with myself. I can actually chuckle when I think about those times. It was definitely a turning point in my life and I guess everyone has to start from somewhere. My sister had her baby a few weeks ago. What joy new babies bring. Her family is growing and I am just overjoyed for her. I spent alot of quality time with my nephew (her older son), who is now 2 years old. He's the sweetest little boy! We will be heading back to spend Thanksgiving with them. I'm excited about that little break. What have I been up to? I've been taking a lot of realtor continuing education classes. That led me to meet a lot of new people. One in particular told me about a brokerage she joined. I was intrigued, so I decided to meet with the manager to see what they had to offer. They are a small boutique firm with handpicked agents. I decided to switch brokerages about a month ago and so far, it has been the best decision I could have made for myself and my career. I'm just getting started with them, but I can tell I won't be disappointed. My teammates are very supportive. I also like that they are all involved in the community and different charities. Many of them are on the realtor board. I'm really excited to get involved. Most importantly, I believe the switch will help me grow my business. I was working independently before and I think for a "green" agent like myself, working alone was an uphill battle. Although I had some success since I've started in real estate, I think this is a much better fit for me. I'm also still running our family business, so I'm still getting adjusted. Juggling it all has been a little challenging. In other areas of my life, I'm not dating. I think I wrote about a guy I decided to get to know earlier in the year. I decided it wouldn't work for me and so I walked away from it. I did hear from him a couple times. I didn't allow it to go any further than casual conversation. Right now, I have submerged myself in work. I'm very focused. I don't think I have time for dating or getting to know someone. I think maybe if I found someone that was just as goal oriented and driven as I was, then maybe. I noticed when I was getting to know the guy from earlier in the year, he needed more of my time. I felt he was needy. It was no fault to him. We just weren't a good match. When he came home from his 9-5, I was still running around and planned a night in bed with my laptop. He called and text constantly throughout the day. I must sound terrible, but I just didn't have the time. I think we weren't a good match or maybe I still have a lot to learn. I know life is not just all work and no play. I know I've got to make time for myself. I think maybe I just wasn't ready. I think we all make time for what we want to make time for and I think he just wasn't for me. This co-dependency thing really gets me sometimes. I've been fighting for the past couple years to me more aware, to be mindful, to change. Sometimes, I am very hard on myself because I just don't know if I am doing enough to heal myself. I know I get carried away sometimes. Sitting with myself, like I am right now, helps. Need to do this more often. Those of you who have followed along, know I went from a relationship where I was basically a caretaker for 2 children that weren't mine, toxic relationship with their father, just an overall yucky codependent situation. Now I am alone, but I do a great deal of work for my parents and our family business. I find myself dabbling in the same kind of codependency sometimes with my parents and them with me. I've struggled to make a life of my own and to this day I am still fighting to live a healthy life of my own. I'm determined to do so and I won't stop trying to educate and heal myself until I do so. I've come a long way and I am so grateful for the journey. I can't imagine living the same way I was before learning all of this about myself. Sometimes I wonder why it took me so long. I wasted so much time, went through alot of pain. I think my only fear now is that I am overprotecting myself. I fear that I am not actually "living". I'm not sure how to get myself out of that, but I push myself everyday.
  7. I’m still here!! I don’t visit the site as often anymore, but for some reason I woke up this morning and I thought I should do something just for me (and my dog) today and it also crossed my mind that I should ask here what others do on days when you just want to do what YOU want to do! I want to take my dog to this new park the city opened. It’s located on the bay. I’m in FL, so the weather is just amazing right now. I can get some exercise in and my dog can play. I know it sounds silly, but what do I really do for myself? I’m always working, doing things for my family, and thinking about others. So much so that I rarely ever do something for myself. Trying to be a little more conscious about this codependency thing. What are some things you can do just for YOU? I’ll be back a little later to update on what’s been going on in my life!
  8. I had a great weekend. I decided to take my family out on a boat yesterday. They are visiting from out of the country. It was the best! So good for my soul. Wish I owned a boat. Maybe I’ll add it to my list of goals. Being out on the water with family was just what I needed. I got a little mental break from work and the little bit of drama I had going on with the new guy. It was beautiful out and the water was warm and refreshing. I really take for granted living in Florida. It’s such a paradise. I had a couple days out of last week that were a little challenging for me. I went back and forth in my mind about the new guy. My codependency was acting up and I struggled for a bit on my decision, but not for long. It took me a couple days to shake myself off. I’m feeling much better now and I’m perfectly ok with my decision to stop seeing the new guy. Just like bolt said, I don’t need to place myself where I will worrying, wondering, and confused all the time. I’m going to avoid that at all costs. I’ve been thinking a lot about what my counselor and I talk about. After discovering I am codependent, I find myself struggling to figure out why. I just haven’t put all the pieces together yet and I’m not sure I ever will. I’m constantly trying to educate myself. I read a ton of self help books. I just want to make better choices and my hope is that I can eventually have a healthy and safe relationship. Until then, I don’t know if the dating world will be a walk in the park. If I could have changed anything about what happened recently with the new guy, I’d change the way I reacted. I somewhat freaked out when I should have kept my cool and kept words to a minimum. Although this was the first time trying to get to know someone since my last relationship (2 years ago), I see what I need to work on within myself. It was a learning experience I guess. I’m hosting an open house at one of my listings today. It’s really slow and also not one of my favorite things about being a realtor. Thanks for reading!
  9. I know the right one will come along. I’m patiently waiting!
  10. Hey bolt, Casual definitely shouldn’t be on the table. I think it was something I kept telling myself in the first week or so of seeing him. I don’t think I’ll ever be comfortable with that type of thing. I know what I’m looking for. I certainly don’t want to enter into another situation similar to what I was in before. I know this situation has crossed into those waters after seeing those messages. I agree, I’m going to stop seeing him. The old me would blow caution to the wind and deal with consequences later. I don’t have time for that. Furthermore, I can’t afford anymore pain. Therapy is going well. I have sessions 2 times a month. I notice I can work through things pretty quickly. I think working with this counselor has helped me tremendously with this. We talk about it and i move forward. This is the first time I’ve gotten close to anyone since everything that happened. I’m trying to work through this in the most healthy way possible. I’ve made up my mind, I’m going to stop seeing him. I've thought it through. It’s not worth the risk.
  11. One thing I’ve learned.... Don’t spend too much time or should I say, energy, on things or people who don’t deserve your time or energy. My time is valuable. I had a good day at work, but in between work and free time, my mind kept falling on this new person I allowed into my life. I said to myself that I’d take the day to make a decision. I had already told him we shouldn’t speak anymore. He respected that and hasn’t made contact. I’ve decided to let this one go. It isn’t for me. There are some key compatibility issues that I know will cause issues in the long run. It was short and it was fun, but not for me. I also don’t think I can get past the looking for other options after meeting me. It’s not going to work. As many of you know, I don’t have anymore time to waste. I hope this is a decision I can be proud of. Until next time..
  12. It’s been a couple months since I last posted. Things with family and work are going well. I recently decided to start dating and I met someone who I’ve been spending some time with since July. We’ve been taking things slow. I’m really proud of myself for that. I’m not really looking for a relationship. I don’t know if I have the time or if I even really want to make the time. I decided to allow myself to get to know someone because I started to get this nagging feeling that I was missing something in my life. I was missing companionship. Fast forward, we went on some really sweet dates. Mini golf, movies, typical dates. He’s sweet, attentive, considerate, respectful, and not pushy. Here’s the downside..I don’t think we’re compatible and so I’ve kept things casual. Just enjoying the company. Then something happened and I don’t know if I handled myself correctly. We decided we would go out of town last weekend. This would be the first time we would be spending uninterrupted time together. We were going to stay with friends. We had the whole weekend planned. Where we would go, the places we wanted to explore, etc. After the long drive we decided we would stop to get something to eat at one of city’s famous food trucks. His phone was plugged into the Bluetooth. I’m waiting in the car, minding my business while he grabs some food. I lean in to change the music and on the screen of the car are his messages. Right there in plain sight is a message he sent to another woman asking how she’s doing and telling her how he thinks of her everyday. I wasn’t even looking for this. I didn’t want to open that can of worms. Been there, done that... I brought it to his attention, but because of the circumstances, I decided to put it aside and enjoy the weekend. Which we did. We had a wonderful time. Back to reality on Monday and the messages have progressively been bothering me. Of course it translated into the way I am reacting to him. We’ve spoken about it a few times and I expressed that I wasn’t comfortable investing time and energy into someone who I felt was exploring options. He’s entitled to as we are not exclusive, but I feel I shouldn’t make him a priority as I did before. So over the past few days, communication has been rocky. The whole vibe is off because in the back of my mind I feel there is someone else. I have anger or jealousy or something. I don’t know if it’s just my personal issues rearing it’s ugly head again or if how I’m feeling is legitimate. I can’t even have a conversation with him without feeling like he’s betraying me and I feel totally foolish for feeling so extreme. We just met. Last night, I suggested we not speak anymore. I lost my cool and hung up. I probably look crazy, but I need a time out. I’m not good at this dating thing. He normally calls and texts throughout the day. Since the conversation ended poorly last night, I’m assuming he will give me some much needed space. I’m going to use it wisely. I need to remind myself of all the work I’ve done. I refuse to place myself in a toxic situation ever again. I barely know this man and maybe the messages are red flags. Maybe I’m just overreacting. Either way, I need some time to think if this is healthy for me to continue to pursue or if I should just let him go before things become more serious. Better to do so early on. Any thoughts on this?
  13. Up early again. Although I’m sleeping much better the past 2 days, I get up way too early. Luckily I don’t have much to do today. I just have a few things to do at the office and then I’m off the rest of the day. I thought a little deeper about what I’ve been feeling lately. I think I’ve just lost some motivation. I’ve noticed I’ve been procrastinating on things. All this time, I had gained a momentum that kept me going. Not sure what happened, but I think it’s because things aren’t happening as fast as I want them to. I work so hard to accomplish my goals. Lately I’ve just been questioning what it’s all for. I hit some sort of standstill with work. I guess that can happen sometimes. Lost my zest. I need to find a way to get it back because I haven’t been as productive and it’s not a good feeling. I recall the therapist I was seeing some time ago saying that my emotions were like a pendulum. Referring to my emotions after the breakup. He said they’d sway from side to side, from extreme to extreme, and then they’d eventually meet somewhere in the middle. That is pretty much what happened. I feel indifferent and now I’m ready for the next thing. What’s next in life for me? Or will I just be stuck here? This middle of the road is starting to make me feel uncomfortable. Maybe I need to go back to what I know is tried and true. I need to push myself to do the things I know have always helped me on the past. Self care, exercise, reading, family. I need to get back in gear.
  14. I haven’t been sleeping well the past few days. Last night I fell asleep really early, so I’m up early. Thought I’d share my thoughts. I’ve been thinking lately how the best decision I made for myself when the relationship that brought me to ENA ended was to be single and work on myself. I’ve been single for 2 years now. I’ve grown so much. I’m in a really solid place mentally and emotionally. The only thing that has kind of been catching up to me lately is the emptiness I feel from throwing myself into work. I rarely make time for friends, socializing, or dating anymore. I’m so focused on growing our family business and my ventures in real estate that I don’t realize how much time is passing me by. At this point, I’ve hit some sort of lull. Lately, I’ve been a little hard on myself. I don’t stay there for long and I just jump right back into work. Not sure it’s very healthy. I still think of my ex from time to time, but not in the way I used to. It’s more about the lessons I learned from it. I feel ashamed at times. Ashamed I dragged myself through all of that knowing deep down inside his actions were clear as day that he was not capable of having a healthy relationship. I’m not sure he even wanted to. I feel embarrassed that I held on so long. Those are my internal issues that I’ve had to deal with. I’m still trying to sort that out and it’s apart of the reason another relationship is not a priority to me. The next relationship I have will be a healthy one. The more time goes by, the more I realize how not only was he unhealthy, I was too. Everything that happened after the relationship ended. I allowed him to make these attempts, to contact me for over a year. I was still holding on and to this day, I don’t know what I feared. I knew I didn’t want to ultimately end up with him. Just all these unhealthy behaviors I recognize in myself now that I can look back with a clear mind. I don’t know what I need right now to get myself out of these feelings. I’ve signed up for some seminars at the realtors association. I think I’m going to use this down time I’m experiencing with work to recharge myself. I guess I should spend it on things I want to do. Before long, I know things will pick back up, so I shouldn’t complain. Life is all about highs and lows.
  15. Haven’t been here in what feels like forever. This place used to be a safe haven for me. I stopped writing for some time because coming here would evoke memories of my distant past. I was just getting ready for bed and then I thought it would be nice to write in my journal again. Who says I have to associate this place with my painful past?? That’s not what my life is about anymore. This place can be a safe place still. So here I am...still in one piece and with a smile on my face. The last few months have been good. My career in real estate is in motion. Family is great. I don’t really have any complaints. I’m sure I could find some, but I don’t want to bore you. I’m just happy with where I am and what I’m doing right now in my life. Well, there is this one thing that has been gnawing at me ever so slightly though. Dating. I haven’t dated at all. Haven’t even entertained the idea. I didn’t want to really. I’ve been spending my days taking care of myself. Doing what I want to do , going where I want to go, not worrying about anything other than ME. It’s been quite nice, but, and that should be a big but, ultimately I do want to find the right person. I dream of marriage and children one day. I know I’m not getting any younger, but I just want to savor my independence just a bit longer before I get back into the thought of allowing someone in my life. I’m making baby steps and lately I’ve been thinking about how nice it would be to have a boyfriend or even to be in love. I’d be lying if I didn’t say fear also plays a role in my reluctance. I even wonder if I’ll ever find love again. I try not to think about it too much. I also want to work out all the kinks before I open the doors. I’ve learmed so much and have rediscovered myself all over again. I’m still learning to trust myself and I guess when the time is right, I’ll know.
  16. “Vigilante on his kneecaps” can’t say it hasn’t crossed my mind. Lol. Thanks for a good laugh. I did speak to him a final time and explained very clearly that I’d be involving the police if he came to my workplace or home. I don’t care if he contacts me again. I’m not afraid to contact the police and honestly, I’m not afraid of him. I’m not letting him back into my life. I feel like this last episode with him was a test. A test to myself and how far I’ve come. I’m strong enough. He hasn’t changed his scheming ways and I recognized it within 30 seconds of hearing him talk. He has nothing I want.He can try his sick little games with whoever he wants, but he isn’t going to fool me ever again. Quick update, we got in from visiting my sister and nephew. It was a nice little getaway. I still have a little bit of Christmas shopping to do, but other than that I’m enjoying the holiday season. We don’t have any big family events planned for Christmas this year. Going to be spending it at home with just my parents. Things are going well. I’ve been very busy for the most part of the month, but I expect to wind down for the remainder of the month. I’m ready to bring in the new year. I’m going to write some new goals and work hard to achieve them.
  17. Hi figureitout and bolt. I understand what you both are saying. Im actually feeling guilty that this is my fault, that I’m creating all this problem for myself. I don’t know what’s wrong. I don’t know why I have this problem. It’s not just this, I have this problem in all areas of my life. Standing up for myself has always been a problem. And even more so with him. All I know is that I’m not going to allow anything to create losses for me in business, my family life, or my personal life. I understand how dangerous this can become. And maybe there are things I am not seeing, but I do recognize the issue is with me. I shouldn’t have allowed him to say two words to me to begin with. Changing my number was a total waste. The business I am in requires a public number. No one can stay in your life if you don’t want them there. If I really wanted him out of my life, I can make it happen. He’s not going to disrupt my life anymore. I’m tired of considering his feelings or his kids feelings or anyone else’s feelings. No one considered my feelings. I know what I have to do.
  18. Just when I thought it wouldn’t get worse. I had a horrible day yesterday. I don’t even know where to start. It’s almost as if this is never going to end. Hasn’t he hurt me enough? Him and I haven’t stood face to face in about a year and a half until...yesterday. He came to my workplace. His son came running up to me. I was in utter shock. He gave me a long hug. Then he walked in. I stood there in shock, but then tried to play it off. I was standing in front of employees and customers. It was completely awkward. He says he needed to speak with me. I pull them aside. I asked what is going on...what is all this about?? Wrong move. What follows is my fault. I opened the door. He told me someone stole his truck the night before. The truck had his credit cards inside. He said he did some investigating of his own and went to a nearby gas station where the card was used. He said he had surveillance and wanted to know if I could recognize the people in the video because they seem to live close by. He wanted to know if I recognized them and if I knew where they lived. I was hesitant. He shoved his phone in my face. I said no. I don’t know them and honestly I didn’t. I told him that I couldn’t help him. Then he went on to explain how he was seeing someone new. Someone who is a nearby business owner. I let him talk. I already knew who he was talking about. Told me a story about how she is crazy and how toxic the relationship was. How he thinks she may have something to do with the stolen vehicle. I stopped him. I became upset. I said to him that i don’t want to be involved in any of this. This has nothing to do with me. I can’t help you. I said I’d walk them out. His son gave me another hug and I politely said I had a lot of work and that I had to go. All day I felt as if my head was upside down. Then.... All I kept thinking about was that he was using this as an opportunity to wheel me in somehow. He knew I changed my number and that is why he came to my workplace. He was having trouble in his relationship. I knew he was going through some sort of crisis. It sounded toxic and unhealthy just like ours was. I felt drained. I lay in bed reading and I get a call. You guessed it. It was him. His first words were, “I googled your number. Don’t hang up.” He went on to say he got the people who stole his truck and that he was with police right now. I hung up. I somehow fell asleep. At this point I’m still drained. I have a ton of work to do all day today. I was swamped with paperwork. What happened next took me even more by surprise. I was helping one of our employees with something when I felt someone looking at me. It was the girl he is involved with. I didn’t recognize her right away. I pretended like I didn’t know who she was. She kept looking at me. She went up to another employee asking questions about products and services. I happened to look over and she was looking at me again. Strangest thing I’ve ever experienced. I take that back, I’ve experienced worse, but this is just weird. She leaves without saying anything to me. Shock again. As upsetting as all of this is, i feel confused and angry. This man hurt me so much. He’s hurt me enough. I told myself that I’m not going to allow this to affect me. I don’t know what this woman came in there for, but I believe he has told her things. Enough things to feel threatened by me. Enough things to spark curiousity. Furthermore, I just went through a number change. One I had to pay for. Change of business cards I had to pay for. I had to spend time emailing and sending out text messages to family and anyone related to work. This is just horrible. I’ve got a real estate seminar all day tomorrow. I’m glad I don’t have to be at work tomorrow. Hopefully it will keep my mind off of these things. I feel anxiety even going into my own businesses. Imagine just in a matter of a few days he has managed to bring a lot of toxicity and negativity into my life....and I let him! I don’t know what to do about this. He hasn’t called again. I notified my parents and sister. They all said I should put him in his place. They don’t know him like I do. He has no feelings, no respect, not a single care in the world. He had the nerve to say she’s manipulative and that she’s crazy! He’s the crazy one! Whatever I say will go in one ear and out the other. I had just told him in his face at my workplace that I didn’t want to be involved with anything going on in his life. He had to have said something to her. What is he trying to do? I don’t interfere with anyone. I’ve never once interfered in any of his business. I’ve never once even called his phone in all this time. I don’t know what to do. Do I just leave it as it is? Do I notify police? Do I tell him to eff off? I really don’t know what to do at this point and in the midst of it all, I feel numb right now. I just want to close my eyes and make it all go away. How will ever move forward in my life if this is hanging over me? Why is he doing this to me? I’m tired, but I need to sort through my thoughts.
  19. Hope everyone had a wonderful Thanksgiving. It was a quiet, relaxing day other than the scare I had in the morning. Today I am better. I have changed my phone number. The marketing company contacted me first thing this morning and I was able to put the order on hold while I changed my number with the carrier. After I made the changes on the design, it went to production. I’m really excited about it. Now I have to get new business cards. I’ve updated everywhere I needed to update and I realize it will be refreshed on the internet soon if it hasn’t already. I know he will be able to get my number again if he really wanted to find it. In the event he does and attempts to contact me, it will constitute as harassment. I should have told him clearly by text that I never wanted to hear from him again and that way it’d be documented. I don’t think he’ll go to those lengths, but I really shouldn’t put it past him. I still really believe he’s going through a temporary crisis. Something must have happened with the woman he was seeing and he is scrambling to find someone else to occupy his time. Kind of like what he used to do to me. I excused his stupidity so many times when in actuality he’d be giving me silent treatment while he pursued other options. It’s really sickening. I know what life is like with him and I feel that nothing has changed. The things he was texting me was just creepy. I hope this number change eases my anxieties about the whole situation. My sister and nephew flew in from Houston this evening. We will spend the day together tomorrow. I just want to enjoy every moment with my nephew. He’s the sweetest. I want to forget about everything that happened. I haven’t really had the chance to sit and think about it or how it made me feel. I’m just trying to move past it. Have a great night everyone. I am reading a book called You Can Heal Your Life by Louise Hay. It’s a great read for anyone interested. It’s been around for a long while. Don’t know how I just came across it, but I find it helpful.
  20. Oh boy bolt, this guy has a lot of nerve. I felt like I was about to go into a frenzy this morning. I replied telling him I didn’t know what he meant by the text, but that he wasn’t going to cross those boundaries and he wasn’t going to do this to me. I know my text meant nothing to him because he clearly doesn’t respect me. He was about to replay the same exact thing he did when he showed up at my house in July. He responded saying he was just kidding. He wasn’t kidding! He’s playing around like I’m sort of puppet. I am concerned about my parents. I didn’t want to bother them with this. I feel embarrassed and almost like I did something wrong. I told them anyway. I took a shower and went to the office. Dad met me there shortly after. I feel better they are aware. Im back at home now helping my mother with cooking. I don’t need this drama right now or at all. I can’t help, but feel guilty that I haven’t put this to a complete stop yet. I feel like I’ve allowed this to carry on too long. Thanks for your swift reply. It’s teally plain and simple. What you suggested, is exactly what I need to do.
  21. I just got another message as I was see-reading my post right now!. It says, I’ll see you soon. Oh dear! What should I do? This is horrible!! He can’t just show up at my house!
  22. Bolt, this threw me for a loop. I don’t know how many months it’s been since I last heard from him. It’s been months. I mean I knew there was a possibility based on the pattern, but the messages were just weird and out of the blue. I woke up this morning to a Happy Thanksgiving text from another unsaved number. I wouldn’t be surprised if that’s him. I recently put in an order with a marketing company for direct mailers. Thousands of marketing postcards will be mailed out. I approved the design proof yesterday. I’m so excited about it. I know the company is closed today. I’ve sent an email stating I need to change the number on the postcards. I hope they haven’t gone to printing yet. I want to change my number. I know there have been words thrown around like abusive. I’m no one to diagnose him, but this whole thing feels strange. Like a really strange vibe. His messages seem robotic and rehearsed. Why on holidays? I remember when I was in the relationship, I used to feel like he was emotionally unavailable and it used to hurt me so much. Now I feel like he doesn’t have feelings. He doesn’t behave like he has genuine feelings. Looking back, he operates in patterns. This is a cycle. This is not normal. The last I heard, he was getting involved with another woman who is a local business owner. I don’t know what became of it, but I bet it went south. I bet he’s doing to her what he did to me and the others. The only difference is he didn’t need to use them for as long as he used me. He used me for years because of the children. I was with him for years, taking care of those children like they were mine. I literally allowed him to fool me for so long. It’s like these little relationships, last a few months and then he cycles back around. I don’t know why I’m questioning this. This is sick and it’s crazy making. You’re right, business is starting up. Now would be the right time. I don’t need this in my life. Not right now. I don’t need to be feeling this way or thinking these thoughts. This isn’t healthy. I really think your first sentence says it all. That is what a genuine person would say. I feel disgusted and I have some anxiety. I’m worrying that he’ll show up at my house. This is not a good feeling. I need to get out of bed, take a shower, and shake this feeling. It’s Thanksgiving. Happy Thanksgiving to you and your family! Can’t wait to have some turkey!
  23. Realitynut, thanks for writing! I found your post really interesting. I don’t know if I should be searching for what would make me joyful. I think I’ve just been focusing on being ok with right now and accepting things for what they are. Im not even sure I miss being in a relationship. Just that feeling, I’m not sure I miss it at all. I value solitude. It’s been so good to me. The irony of your post. You used terms like abuser. I just need to get this out. I received some text messages from him today. I started to think about the patterns. The last I heard from him was around 4th of July. It’s strange he pops up around holidays. His messages sounded really strange and creepy. I didn’t recognize the number. He’s using some sort of app or someone else’s phone because his number is blocked. He said it was him and that he had to ask me something. I didn’t respond once. The messages kept coming in. -would like to get together. Just want to spend time with a familiar face. -I miss you -I’m sorry if I’m pressuring you. Have a nice Thanksgiving with your family. -I can’t wait to see you. -you know how to love me. -I’m sorry I was stubborn. -I know you’ve been wanting me to show my face. I’ll do it. -why are you doing this? -I’m being serious. I blocked the number at this point. He sounds like he’s going through some sort of crisis. I can bet my last dollar he’s giving some poor girl somewhere the silent treatment. I can’t shake this feeling. It’s like a weird feeling that this isn’t normal behavior. It’s the same cycle over and over. It’s like he has some sort of sixth sense. He senses I am moving forward. He senses I’ve built myself back up to a place where he can use me again if only I’d let him. I get a really bad feeling about him and I just hope, I really hope he doesn’t show up at my house again. I don’t know what to think about all of this. A normal person who hasn’t spoken to you in months especially when you weren’t on good terms doesn’t try to force you to see them just to hangout with a “familiar face”. I hate the way I’m feeling and I can’t explain it. I need to change my number.
  24. Thanksgiving is just a couple days away. I love this time of year! We don’t have much planned this year. Normally we have a huge dinner at the house with all my family invited. This year my sister is in Houston with her in laws, so we are just going to have a quiet evening. I closed my first real estate deal on Monday. What a great feeling! The home went under contract in a little over 30 days. Both the buyer and seller are happy. I couldn’t ask for a better first experience. I still can’t believe I am where I am at this point. Feels like I made it to this really nice, big room and I’m so excited, but I just don’t know what to do. I’m chuckling as I’m writing this. Ill enjoy this feeling a bit longer before it’s time to dive back in for more work. I ask myself often if I’m happy. I still don’t know how to answer that. I’m content I guess, but happy? I’m not sure. There’s so much I want to accomplish and I also thought I’d be married with 2 children by now, but I’m ok I guess. I’m really excited about my career and where it’s headed. We’re also working on some new projects with our family business. All of that is keeping me busy enough. I’ve made this my focus in life and it beats the anxiety and fear of an unhealthy relationship by far. I guess I’m halpy where I am right now, st this moment. I still don’t know where I’m headed, but I’m headed somewhere. Hope it’s somewhere great! Hope you all have a wonderful Thanksgiving! Grateful for all of you here who got me through some very dark times and for those who support and encourage me. Thanks for still reading along.
  25. I agree with everyone here. The amount of times you said sorry. I don’t see where any of that was your fault. Don’t allow this man to make you feel this way. Someone once told me people only treat as bad as you allow them to. Don’t settle for this type of treatment. It’s abusive and just plain unhealthy. Don’t be sorry for things that you didn’t do. Be sorry that you are allowing this from someone who is supposed to care about you.
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