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Everything posted by Ksol9

  1. Just settled in at my sister’s house. I can’t stand a long drive, but it’s worth it. My sister and brother in law hosted a turkey derby at their home this year. Their guests had already left by the time we arrived, but the games were still there. Their back yard looked like a scene from big brother or something. My parents and I played some of the games and then sat outside and watched my nephew play in the yard. My sister brought out a yellow card. It was a homemade card my nephew made. It had his hand print on the front and it was addressed to Grandma, Grandpa & Auntie Ksol. On the inside it read, “I’m going to be a big brother!” My brother in law recorded our reaction. My father was in shock, my mother had the biggest smile, and I was laughing at their reaction. It was so funny! It’s all happening so fast. We’re very happy for her. I’m going to be an aunt again! Life is so beautiful. It’s so awesome to watch my sister build this life. At the same time I think about my life and how I can’t wait to be a mom one day. Our family is growing. My parents are getting older. I just hope we are making them proud. I’ve made so many mistakes in my past and it wasn’t until a little over a year ago that things began to change. I have been making great progress. My sister started working in a new practice. My nephew is going to be 2 in a few months. My brother in law started teaching at a new school. Just feeling so grateful tonight. I pray things will only get better. I’m so excited for my sister! It’s still very early on. She hasn’t been to a doctor to confirm, but I know they’ve been trying. I’ll keep my fingers crossed because I know this is something they both want. What a way to end the weekend. Pretty sweet! Have a great night everyone!
  2. Ahhh how I love the weekends. I’ve spent the entire weekend just relaxing. What a great feeling. I’m laying in bed trying to convince myself to get up. My parents decided we would all take a few days off and visit my sister. It’s pretty rare that we do something like this all together. Normally myself or dad would stay behind and look over the businesses. We are loading up the dogs and getting on the road to visit my sister. It should be a nice little getaway. Today is Vereran’s Day. I read a lot. I read a lot of self help book. I watch inspirational videos. It’s really a big part of how I pulled myself out of the hole I was in and still to this day, I consistently read and watch videos. There’s a common theme in much of what I read. Gratefulness. Today I’m grateful for the men and women who have served and fought for our country and for our freedom.
  3. My sleeping pattern has been a little off these days. I’m not sure if it’s due to the time change. I’ve been falling asleep really early and then I get up really early. It results in me being very tired very early in the day. It’s keep ringing in my head that I need to get back imto my workout routine. I sort of put it on the back burner for the past few weeks. So tonight, im going to do some Pilates. I walk about a mile daily with my dog, but I really enjoy Pilates and I haven’t done it in a while. I also signed up for a real estate seminar later this month. It will teach about contracts. I’ve been wanting to take this course since I got into real estate. I guess my goal is to just refocus myself. The past couple months have been sort of up and down with some really exciting events and some really low points. Really glad that I’ve got some things to work toward. Closing on my listing will take place in about a week or so. That’s pretty exciting. I’ll have some more room to figure out what to do next. Ive been researching companies that I want to work with for marketing. Ive also been thinking about investing in real estate. I’m trying not to overwhelm myself. Just trying to go with the flow, knowing things will fall into place. My sister and her family will also be here to visit around thanksgiving. After typing, I realize I have a lot to look forward to. I don’t know how to explain what this feels like. Almost like a take off for a plane ride. A take off that is taking a really, really long time. I’m in no rush, but just a little anxious on where I’ll end up. I’m terrified of getting stuck. Remember, I was stuck for quite a while and I feel like I’m one to get stu....what am I saying?? I’m no longer that person. I’ve come a long way in this year and a half since I ended the relationship. This time of year exudes happiness and joy. Christmas is right around the corner. Friends, family, real estate career, family business. Work has really given me purpose at this time in my life. I know this isn’t what a fulfilled life is all about, but I’ve never worked hard or built something of my own in this way. I’m getting there. Things are unfolding and I’m just happy I’ve found some direction. I have to have strong faith in myself to keep going, to continue to work hard for the things I want in life. Time for Pilates. Be well everyone!
  4. Thank you figureitout23. I am totally ready! You made alot of sense. There was a lot of discussion about this very thing when I was in therapy. Codependancy was also a topic and ever since I had therapy, I have been searching for answers. I've been searching to make sense of all the things I have experienced up until this point. I read your post late last night and something went off in my mind like a light bulb. I realized how affected I was by my father last week and I realized that I shouldn't invest myself in such an unhealthy way. I mean with the businesses. I recognized my unhealthy reaction and I told myself that it wasn't worth the stress it was causing. Without getting into too much details, I'll spare you the background story, I decided it would be more beneficial for me to back up and allow things to sort out on their own. I let go and just enjoyed myself the entire weekend. If only I would have handled things like that in my past. There is a link and you're not off about anything you are trying to say. I think you're very spot on on because I do believe I fall into this 'caretaker' role. With everyone in my life, I somehow almost naturally take on this role. It is at this point in my life that I am realizing that taking on that role must come with healthy boundaries. I caught myself and I backed away because I know what the end result would be. I will only lose. It's really funny because I didn't realize I was doing that with the businesses. I didn't realize I was investing myself so much. I have had very unhealthy relationships for some reason. I'm just a woman who is trying to change, trying to break those patterns. I know it has something to do with my childhood. In fact, through therapy, my counselor was able to point me in the right direction. I've discovered just enough to understand what changes I needed to make, but still I haven't figured it all out. It's like pieces to a puzzle and maybe I would benefit from more therapy. Although I think I'm making better choices and I think I'm catching myself much sooner which is such a wonderful thing. This weekend was great. I haven't seen my friends since April. For the most part of this year, I buried myself in work and in getting started in real estate. This weekend served as a simple reminder that I needed to make time for myself and things I like to do. I wanted this clean slate. I wanted a fresh start. I should be careful not to fall into unhealthy patterns ever again. This goes for relationships, work, family....anyone. No one will ever steal my peace....ever again. There was a saying that rang in my mind whenever I think about the issues I am having with my family. "You can't control what happens only how you react to it."
  5. I’m still feeling really bummed about what happened last night. I don’t like to brush things under the rug and that seems to be what’s happening now. As a result, I’ve retreated. Just doing my regular duties and staying out of everyone’s way. I came home and haven’t left my room. I feel drained and just disappointed about the whole situation. I always try to do the right thing and I believe I handled the situation correctly. My father saw otherwise. Other than that, we had an inspection today for my listing. Everything went well and now we are pretty much all set for closing. I’m really pleased with the whole experience. Not too bad for my first time. This is probably the first time in my life I’ve ever grabbed something by the horns and navigated on my own. It’s really a great feeling and I guess I should be proud of myself even though right now that is a little hard to do. I was reminded today that I’m still a work in progress. This little family issue, although uncomfortable for me, showed me that I have learned to control my emotions. I’ve stepped away and I am evaluating how I feel. I just need time to think I guess. I’ll sort myself out and everything else will sort itself out. There’s still so much more work I have to do on this new business venture. I like that I have that to focus on in times like this. The only thing I’m not sure of is how I retreat like this. Why do I question myself so much? Not sure if it’s healthy. I felt so sad that I just wanted to be alone and pretty much shut everyone else out today. I just need a few days. I actually think this weekend trip will be exactly what I need. A few days away from here will be good for me. Away from family, the business, the stress. I’m being really hard on myself today. I feel very alone and Im questioning myself quite a bit. I’m going to just get in bed and watch tv for the rest of the night. Have a good night.
  6. Bolt, this is what I now recognize as making healthy decisions for yourself. The old me would kill myself with stress because I thought it was what I "had" to do. That translated into every area of my life, so good for you for making a healthy decision. Stress takes such a toll after a prolonged period of time. Reinventmyself, thank you for following along. It’s been a year and a half. Can you believe it? I’m having a bit of a difficult night. Had a disagreement with my father this evening about the businesses. He reacted very harshly. He told me I was being guillable and being manipulated by the employees. That felt like he stabbed me with knives. In fact, I’m shocked. I’m questionong and doubting myself. How could this be true? Could it even be true? Those words are the exact things I have been working so hard not to be. Especially coming from my father, I took it personal.
  7. I don’t know how I missed this journal. Anyhow, I just wanted to tell you I’m rooting for you!!
  8. I’m in bed already. I decided to read a bit before I fall asleep. I read the following lines: I have found that where there is a void, negativity will fill it so we must keep fueling up with positive energy so the negative energy doesn’t have room to expand. We must fuel up daily with positive thoughts, cultivate positive feelings, and take positive actions. I just wanted to share it somewhere. I struggled with this for so long until I realized the importance of it. I used to hear about people talking about negative energy and positive energy. I paid no mind. In fact, I thought it was mumbo jumbo. Until...until I started paying closer attention to those with positive attitudes. I might be late, but your thoughts really do become things. I was always a worrier, a deep thinker, a negative thinker. Not anymore. I work very hard each day to change those bad habits and I truly believe that it wasn’t until I began to change that kind of thinking, that was when things started to take a turn in my life. A positive turn. Just wanted to share my thoughts. Back to my book now. Have a great night everyone.
  9. All the commenters are correct. I have been through something like this. He is conditioning you with these silent treatments. It is emotional abuse. He knows you are suffering. It’s very manipulative and controlling and he will come right back around when he feels like it. Please don’t play along with these games. It’s very hard, but try your best not to allow your emotions to control you. Read, read, and read as much as you can about emotional abuse. You’re not crazy, worthless, or alone. These are the things he wants you to feel. You are reacting to his toxic behavior. Healthy adults do not behave this way.
  10. Vegas was so much fun! I’ve been back a few days now. The week off gave me a reset I needed. My sister and I ate well, saw a show by Cirque du Soleil, gambled, and ate some more. If it’s one thing we have in common, it’s our love for good food! Things have been going great. I’m content these days. That’s really the best way to describe it. Things are simple, peaceful, and calm. Maybe it’s because I’ve been trying to let go of outcomes. I’m just going with the flow. That doesn’t mean I don’t have days that are challenging. I still have rough days where I’m very hard on myself, but I recognize it right away and I spend a little extra time taking care of myself. This mindfulness thing was a game changer. Real estate has been good to me as well. My listing is under contract. We’re about to do inspections and so I’m keeping my fingers crossed that everything goes smoothly so we can move forward with closing. I have a couple of other projects lined up afterwards. It’s all so exciting and I think I’m managing well. All of my focus and attention goes in real estate and our family businesses. It’s amazing how productive I am when I apply myself. Minus the unhealthy, toxic relationship I can climb mountains. I don’t ever...ever...want to go back to staying up half the night until he falls asleep so I can check his phone or checking his overnight bag for condoms or massage parlor receipts after he returns from work trips. LOL (that’s a big, over exaggerated laugh). I can’t believe I used to question myself. No contact. It’s amazing how much my life has changed. So many of you have stressed the importance of it. Every time I bring myself to write here on ENA, I think about the relationship I peeled then dragged myself out of. You can’t fool yourself into thinking a half way NC is going to work. I haven’t heard from him since early July. That tiny lingering thing that I was holding on to is gone now. Maybe it was all timing in my healing, but after we went complete NC, I can feel myself becoming stronger and wiser faster. The open doors and windows were really hindering things. Do I still think of him? Yes. I still harbour anger. I still feel a little pain. I still wonder...sometimes. I think I’ve just learned to let go. Let go of things that are not good for me. I’m being very honest. My goal is to continue growing. Growing our businesses, my real estate career, and most importantly myself. I don’t want to be with anyone right now. Something in me is still very numb to the thought of finding a companion. The thought of being in a relationship is not appealing. Not for right now anyway. Next weekend I’m going out of town for an engagement/birthday party. I finally found a dress that I like. I’m looking forward to spending some time with my friends. I haven’t seen them since April. Apart of me can’t wait to get the event over with because I want to get back work and making money. Is that weird? I have to remind myself to enjoy the ride. My plan is to do absolutely nothing for today. Hope you all enjoy the rest of your Sunday!
  11. Hi everyone! It’s October already. Christmas is just a hop, skip, and a jump away! Although I had a great week, I’m extremely tired. For some reason, I’ve been feeling extremely drained. I’ve been sleeping ok, but when I wake up in the morning, I still feel really tired. I normally jump out of bed ready to start the day. I’m not sure what the problem is. I’m glad it’s the weekend because I want to spend the weekend catching up on some much needed rest. Something strange has been happening. The past 2 or 3 days I’ve been getting weird phone calls. The first day, I got a number of blocked calls. The first one I answered and the person hung up on me. Yesterday, I got a couple calls from actual phone numbers with different area codes. Both times they hung up. The second I called back and the woman said she never called me. Then earlier this evening, I got another call from a phone number from a different city. I answered and the person listened to me say hello a few times and then they hung up. A little while later I call back and a woman answers. I said I got a call from that number and she said no she never called. So strange. My phone number is posted everywhere. Since I started this new career, I don’t screen calls. I’m forced to answer them all. I assumed these calls could have been regarding my listing or someone calling for real estate help. It’s a little strange for the past few days I’ve been getting these weird calls. I just got into real estate. It’s not like my phone is always ringing off the hook. I don’t know. Maybe I’m being paranoid. Something just strikes me as very weird. Other than that, everything else is ok. I had a productive week. I’m working on some custom buyer and seller guides. I need to have these on hand for clients. That’s my plan for the weekend. I really love all this time to myself. Sometimes I feel it’s almost wrong to be this content with my alone time. I’ve had enough drama and excitement with my past relationship. I deserve this time off. I don’t want to be alone forever. I want to eventually have a healthy, stable relationship, but for right now, just for a bit longer, I just want to soak up all this freedom and solitude. It has brought me priceless clarity. Have a nice night everyone!
  12. Quiet day for me today. I did some work at the office this morning and then came home to have some lunch and a little nap. I didn’t sleep too well last night. Every once in a while I’ll have a night where I’m up in the middle of the night for hours. Remember how I used to lay awake worrying my life away? Ha. I was so naive. Nowadays if it happens, it’s because of something that has to do with work or family, but nothing major. Luckily it’s the weekend so I can spend it catching up on sleep. Later this evening my mom and I are going to the listing to clean up some things I noticed weren’t presentable. We’re also thinking of upgrading the countertops. It has all new wood floors, but I think new countertops would make it even more attractive to buyers. It has been on the market for a little over 2 weeks now. I’ve shown it a few times. Hoping to sell it soon. Not an exciting weekend. Definitely nothing to be writing about, but I just wanted to write again. I stopped writing for a while and I almost forgot what a great help it has been for me to do so. Something about clearing your head in this way. It helps me examine what I’m really feeling at the moment.
  13. Cantgiveup, thanks for reading. As I read your post, I remembered where I’d been. I refer to that time in my life as unhealthy because I’ve now realised how unhealthy I used to be. Two of the most important things I learned was how to be alone and how to take accountability. It really took the both of us to have an unhealthy, toxic realationship. We both fueled it in some way. Although many of my bad reactions were due to the crazy things he said and did, I don’t think I ever learned that there was one thing he didn’t control and that was how I reacted to him. I didn’t learn that until now. Can you just imagine that to this day, I have my days...bad days, where the thought crosses my mind that maybe if I was as mentally and emotionally strong and mature as I am now, that just maybe, things would have been better between us. It’s just the self doubt and guilt talking. I understand what you’re going through, but no matter how difficult it is and it is very difficult, stop and change the direction of your life. If my story resonates with you and you feel you have an unhealthy attachment....let go, let go. All it does it steal your joy. It stops you from living. It stops you from experiencing love and life. Not a single person on this planet should steal that from you. It wasn’t until I started living for myself, that’s when I truly started to move on with my life. I said to myself, no matter what life has thrown at me, I’ve just got to get on with my life. What I mean by this is...start with minor things. Deactivate social media, make short term goals, pick up new hobbies, lean on family and friends you’ve had for a long time, lean on those here in the forum, read....and most importantly, slow down and think about where you want to go in your life. I don’t mean 10 years from now. I mean tomorrow, next week, next month. Make up your mind, however you want to do it, just decide that you can’t live like that anymore. I promise you, things will get better. Whether she’s in your life or not. I say this with all honesty, I still don’t think I’m fully healed from what I went through with that man. I still see his face in my mind sometimes. Just not in the way I used to. I don’t have pain in my chest anymore and I don’t hope for things to get better. I don’t care that he’s not in my life anymore. He’s just gone...and I’m finally ok with that. And I think you will be too. Good luck to you.
  14. It’s been a while since I’ve been around here! Hi everyone! I’m doing really well. I’ve had some ups and downs in the past month or so. A couple health scares within the family. They’ve been given a clean bill of health. I’m very thankful for that, but I took it as a sign that we all need to lead healthier lives. I’ve even taken up some new fitness routines. Real estate has been going well. I actually have a showing tomorrow with a buyer who is very close to purchasing, so I’ve been quite nervous. This will be my first sale. A lot of firsts this month.. I’m learning so much and I have a great support team. I really enjoy it. I’ve also had some pretty dark days earlier this month. I’m not sure what triggered it, but it was a familiar feeling that I don’t like to revisit. It had nothing to do with him. In fact, I haven’t heard anything from him since he last showed up with the kids at my door. This has been the longest he has gone without contacting me. I think we’ve both finally put it all behind us. I really don’t know what it was, but I was upset about daily stress and then I just continued to sink further into sadness. It was strange. I have developed so many coping skills that I’m able to just pick myself up and in a few days I was going at my normal rate. I guess i just wanted to feel sorry for myself for a few days. I really couldn’t tell you. I read a lot about people who have been through challenging experiences (trauma, loss, breakups, etc) and regardless of the severity, you almost always come out on the other end a changed person. If you do the work that is. I’m not the same person. It’s like I’m going through some sort of process. I don’t know when it’ll be over or if it ever will, but I keep telling myself that I’ve just got to keep going. This hasn’t been easy, but it has been rewarding thus far. I want to continue working on myself and our businesses. I’ve turned into this woman who has just buried myself in work. I don’t want to entertain a social life right now. I do make time for family and downtime. My sister is a dentist and every so often work will send her to different cities in the country to do continued education courses. The next one is in Vegas. We booked 2 tickets! So in between her courses, we’re going to enjoy Vegas. I’m really excited about it. It should be a nice little getaway. Hopefully, sale contracts will be in the works and I’ll have something else to celebrate. Either way, I’m looking forward to spending some quality time with my sister, just her and I. Life is good. Hope you all are well!
  15. What a nice, relaxing Sunday! It’s been raining all day and I’ve been in bed with my laptop doing work for our businesses as well as some marketing work for the real estate stuff. I have an appointment with a fellow realtor who is going to co-list a property with me. Excited and nervous at the same time about it. Excited to get things moving and nervous because I’m new. I love the rain and I love days like this. Where I can recharge physically and mentally. One thing I’ve learned in this whole journey is that I am a person who needs time alone to recharge. I’ve always thought I was the opposite. It’s funny because I didn’t think people needed time to recharge. In fact, I knew nothing about self care and it’s importance. Now I realize it’s really a huge part of happiness. Now I realize people who make time for it, are those who find successs. Since I’ve opened this new door with my career in real estate, I’ve sort of made less time for exercise, mediatation, and reading. I spend all my extra time figuring out ways to get this career off the ground. Going to refocus myself. Balance is key.
  16. Thank you reinventmyself. Viscous cycle, pretty fitting words. The view becomes clearer and clearer as more time passes. I was so lost. Very grateful to be in a better and healthier place. I haven’t seen 3am in a long time. I hardly ever have trouble sleeping at night anymore. For some reason I’m up on my phone just browsing. I’ve been working a lot. I never thought I’d become one of those people who just drown themselves in work and don’t make much time for anything else. Now I understand how easily that happens and why. I don’t think I’ve ever applied myself this much in my life. I guess it was never for the right things...myself. It was always for the wrong things and for the wrong people. I have family in town for the next couple of weeks. Actually, it’s my aunt and uncle who stayed with us for a few months last year. For those of you following, you may remember. she was pregnant and had some complications. They lived with us in the states while she sought medical care. The baby will be 1 year this month. She’s healthy and beautiful. Wow I can’t belueve a year has come and gone since! Nice to have them here again. Back to burying myself in work, I wonder if I’m making the wrong choice? I keep telling myself it’s nice to be alone for a change, that I needed to be alone for a while, but what if I get stuck here. It happens right? I met a local photographer. She actually did my headshots last week for my real estate marketing. Shes a beautiful woman, a bit older than myself, but she spoke about burying herself in her work. She said dating in this town is really difficult and she’s pretty much given up at this point. Her career is booming, but her personal life is just...nonexistent. I don’t dwell on it because I often think my situation is temporary, but it has certainly crossed my mind a time or two that i’d end up alone if I continued on without a social life. I just don’t care to be out with friends right now. I just want to build myself up that’s all. I also opened up an Instagram and a Pinterest account this week for business purposes. I am really hesitant about it because of the “viscous cycle” I was in. I don’t want to go back down that road, so I’m trying to stay within the lines. It’s mainly for business not personal use. Instagram is owned by Facebook and it keeps asking me to claim my Facebook page. I’m trying to stay far away from Facebook. I haven’t looked at his page or anywhere close. Not that I really care, I just don’t want it to evoke any feelings. Maybe I’d feel nothing, but I just don’t want to take that chance. Realtors rely on social media to promote their brand and social media is so powerful. I promised myself that I’d use it for that pourpose only. No snooping around to parts that I know has gotten me into a lot of trouble in the past. Going to try to get back to sleep. Have a great weekend everyone!
  17. It’s August already! Time goes so fast...too fast. I’ve been keeping pretty busy lately. I’ve been doing tons of reading regarding the real estate. I’m constsntly trying to educate myself on how everything works. I thought to myself today that I remember a time when all I thought about was him. I had too much time on my hands. Now look at me! All I think about is the good things to come, my future, my goals. It’s true what they say, change what you think about and things will start to change in your life. I don’t know what it is about showers. It’s often a time for me to think and put things in perspective. I was thinking today about how much my life has changed, how much I’ve grown. I try to tell myself that I should be grateful for all the things I went through with him because it was a catalyst for change, but I’m just not there yet. Im grateful for where I am in my life, just not happy about all that I’ve gone through. I know, and can feel, my life has taken a turn and is heading in another direction, but sometimes there’s doubt. Sometimes I don’t know if I’m doing all that I should be doing. Have I bitten off more than I can chew? Am I ready? Is this the right road? A lot of doubt. I guess anywhere is better than where I was. I think a lot of you who have followed my story were right. I needed to be alone for a while. It was the best thing I could have ever done for myself and for my soul. And just think, when you all would mention it was just what I needed, I thought to myself that was the worst thing I could do, that I just couldn’t..couldn’t make it. Ha! Silly me. Trust the process.
  18. I woke up way before my alarm is supposed to go off. I hate when that happens. I’m still really tired. I’d rather stay in bed. It’s not mandatory to go to the seminar. I bargaining with myself. I have plenty of time to sleep in and do whatever I want over the weekend. I hope you all have a great day!
  19. The orientation went well. I even met some new people. Another woman, similar in age, happened to sit next to me and it turns out she used to live nearby where I went to college. We share similar interests and, just like me, she is trying to learn everything she can about the business. We exchanged numbers and have spoken a few times since. It was nice to be around likeminded people. Tomorrow they are hosting another seminar that I think will be beneficial to me. It’s all day, so I’m goig to be missing work again. I’m not looking forward to that, but I feel I need to get these things out of the way. It’s better I learn as much as I can now. My parents agreed so I’m going to attend tomorrow without feeling guilty. This week flew by. Today I was out town. I had a few things to take care of. I also got my hair cut. I feel like me again. There’s nothing like good hair! Also, My parents are heading out of town to visit my sister. I’ll have to oversee everything for the next few days. I’m actually grateful for that. I feel very grounded and productive. My mind is so caught up in work and real estate that I don’t have time to be upset or anything negative. I use my nights to reflect and unwind. I haven’t been working out as much as I’d like to, but I plan to start back up with my routine. I still meditate and read a lot of self help books. I used be such a critic about these things, but they are behind all these changes I’ve made. I just want to be a heather person. I might get sidetracked at times, but I’m always fighting to keep moving forward. This hasn’t been easy. No way is there an easy way through this process. I wonder sometimes if I just make it more difficult than it is.
  20. I think you’re exactly right figureitout. I do think it this was just another reality check that he is the person I don’t want to believe he is. Time after time he has proven himself to be a toxic person, just by the little interactions I’ve had with him, and I still doubt myself somewhere deep down inside. It’s like you said, you think I’m ready and strong enough, but for some reason I won’t finally cut all ties. Why is that?? It’s something deep inside of me. Something internal that I need to find an answer for. I wish I could figure out why or what it is I need to heal. I desperately want to uncover this last piece of the puzzle because I believe it is why I have caused myself a lot of unnecessary pain. The attachment was so unhealthy. And I don’t think you’re saying any of that to be mean. I think you’ve said what is all out on the table. The same exact things he did to me, down to the same lines, he is doing to others. It’s plain to see he is a very toxic person. The thought has even crossed my mind that maybe he will be happy with this woman and that was part of my pain. That was me questioning myself and I realize that’s only my insecurities. I realize it is very possible this cycle of him popping in, him hurting me indirectly, will continue to happen if I don’t put it to a final stop. Maybe I AM ready. Maybe I AM strong enough. He’s not going to magically change and I fully well know this. Time to get ready for orientation today. Not exactly sure why I have to be there from 8-4. What in the world are they going to be doing with us for so long? Well, I’m looking forward. Thank you for your post figureitout. I appreciate that you were straightforward with me..you and bolt. I need that kind of encouragement since I am not able to hear this from a therapist or family.
  21. I absolutely agree bolt. Nothing good can come from this other than pain and drama. Just receiving the email opened up a whirlwind of emotions. I don’t want to experience that again. I’m still affected by him. If I wasn’t then that email would not have brought on those emotions. That is an indication to me that I need to keep my guard up and stay away. I need to continue to do work on myself and building myself back up. You’re also right that I need to think of myself first. It seems like this behavior is a pattern for him. He torments the women he gets involved with. He circulates. Just like he does with me. Popping up every so often. I can guess he won’t attempt to contact me while he is involved with this woman. When he gets bored or when things begin to go sour, he’ll circle around again. I’m not the only one he pops in and checks in with. It’s disgusting behavior. And to be honest I question myself. I wonder if I’m just making this up in my head? Am I just wanting to believe hes this bad person? This can’t be normal behavior, but it’s what I’ve observed from my experience with him. When I got that email, the emotions it brought about, I seriously considered contacting my therapist. I have 2 options. Reach out to my therapist I was working with since January of last year or start fresh with someone new. Not sure if you remember, but I stopped seeing my therapist because he had to take a leave of abscense. Some sort of personal or health related issue. He said he was leaving town and heading out of state. He didn’t say when he would be back. I don’t know if he is in town or not. I guess I could send him an email. I don’t think it would hurt to do that at all. I agree with you. I do think I could benefit from continued counseling. I’m very open to that and I think I’ll think seriously about it. Quite honestly, what I felt from that email, scared me. Very resemblant to the anxiety, fear, guilt, confusion and pain I used to feel when I was with him. Same feelings I would get from finding messages on his phone, condoms, receipts. I’m not strong enough to say...I could care less...who cares. I am strong enough to stay away and smart enough to do extra work on myself. I’m looking forward to the orientation. I would really like to meet new people. Maybe even make some quality friends. I’m ready to open new doors.
  22. I’m feeling better today. Yesterday I let that silly email get the best of me. I don’t know what is going on with him or what that woman was contacting me for, but I’m not going to allow any of it to drag me down. I am a highly sensitive person and I used to be very weak. I’m not anymore. I had so many emotions yesterday. I even started to doubt myself. I thought back to all the things he put me through and I really started to think maybe I was the problem. I started to beat myself up. I fought with myself for too long over that man and I can’t do it anymore. I just want to be left alone and I want to take care of myself. That’s all. I’ve come so far and have made so many changes. I don’t want to ever feel the way I did yesterday ever again. It was a horrible reminder of all the things I went through in that relationship. I’m pretty certain this woman is going through what I went through. She is doubting or questioning, something along those lines, and that is why she contacted me. For all I know he made up some kind of scenario. He doesn’t know who he’s messing with. He better not drag me into any of his sick games. I’ve been very passive, allowing him to contact me, allowing this, allowing that. I have not once contacted him since May of 2017! If he or anyone else contacts me again, I won’t tolerate it. I feel like things are going too far. This is just craziness now. I have an important appointment tomorrow with our accountant and orientation for the National Association of REALTORS all day on Tuesday. My mind needs to be clear and free of all of this drama. I promised myself that I would refocus and keep going. I’m going to continue to block him and anything that has to do with him out of my life if it’s the last thing I do.
  23. I’ve been very upset all day and I’m doing my best to cope with it all by myself. I haven’t mentioned this to a single soul and I guess that is why I’ve found myself here. Just need to get this off my chest. I just didn’t want to trouble my family or friends with this drama again. I also thought if I ignored it and did not put any energy into it, it wouldn’t be that big of a deal, but no matter what, it is bothering me very much. To the point of tears. Saturday mornings I normally go to the office for a few hours. I didn’t have any plans for today other than get my nails done. When I got to the office, I checked my emails. Most of it was junk, so I was archiving them one after the other. Then I got to an email that looked strange and I didn’t recognize the sender. When I opened it, it read, “ hi, you don’t know me, but I know “him” (his name) and i’d like to talk to you about a few things if you don’t mind.” I was in shock. I still am, but also I’m extremely sad. I can’t even put a finger on exactly why. I’ll elaborate in a few. I had no idea who it was. No name, no phone number. Not that I’d call, but my head was racing. What was this all about and what does it have to do with me? How did this person get my contact info? Im so upset. I finished up my work in the office and then went out to my car. I didn’t even have breakfast. I lost my appetite and a very familiar, horrible feeling came over me. I began to feel like I did when I was with him. I sat in my car and googled the email address. A name came up that I didn’t recognize. The email address was also listed under a nail salon that was located right across the street from my businesses. I’m familiar with the salon, but I’ve never been there. There are reviews talking about the owner which was the same name the email address went back to. I signed on Facebook. I was feeling like a detective at this point. I was under my mother’s facebook and I searched the page belonging to the salon. I found the salon owner’s personal page. At this point, I know her full name. I scroll down to her friend’s list and sure enough, he’s on the top of the list. I stopped right there and then. I came up with some conclusions, but I don’t know for sure. I think I know enough. She must be someone new that he got involved with. She is not the same woman he met in November. I don’t know what is going on and I don’t want any part of it. I honestly feel like I’ve hit a brick wall. I can’t do this anymore. I can’t live like this anymore. I’m sad and I’m angry. Why is this happening? Just a few weeks ago he showed up at my door. I cant take this anymore. I don’t know what to do. I just wish I never met him. I don’t know what to do anymore. I’m trying to live my life and I’m trying to move forward, but it’s like I can’t escape this. I’m in pain. Pain over everything I’ve been through with him. I’m thinking about all the betrayal and lies. I forgave him so many times and he continued to hurt me over and over. I feel like he is still finding ways to hurt me. Here I was thinking I was in control of who can and can not hurt me. I don’t care what she has to say. I blocked the email address. I’m not going to reply. I want nothing to do with him. I have not been on social media for months...since last year and I can’t even think about going back on in the near future because I can’t bare to see anything about him. I don’t know how to escape this. This brought back a lot of pain, flooding pain, and I feel like I’ve taken a ton of steps backward. I can only hope it is temporary. I’m not ok today. Im not myself. I feel drained. I just want my mind and my heart to heal and I want all my worries to go away. I can’t believe I’m here typing away about him...once again. Its gone too far.
  24. Especially unusual when it’s something I know nothing about. No experience, no knowledge. I normally take the safer route. I don’t know much about this industry. It’s intimidating and I feel very vulnerable. To answer your question, yes, it’s unusual for me to push myself to do something like this on my own.
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