veedubdriver

hey guys, thanks for the advice. I did call hey this evenig after I got home from work. She called this mornig also, but I was at work. When I spoke to her tonight she said that she got her internet up and running by calling tech support. We had aome samll talk and said that her mother had emailed pictures of her new apartment to one of our mutual friends. She said I should ask our friend to forward them to me so I could see where she was living. She asked me where I was last night when she called. I told her I was at a local bar which I wasn't, I was at home. I was tired because I was at work for 12 hours today and she asked me what was wrong. I told her I was tired, which I was. She told me I shouldn'e be partying so much. Then she asked who the girl was. Assuming I was with one. I told her I wasn't going to talk about that situation with her. She wanted to know why. I told her, I just won't. She said "If I were to start dating someone I would tell you". I said that I wouldn't want to know. We ended the conversation shortly after that. I am thinking of telling her that we do not need to cantact each other anymore unless something is seriously wrong in our lives. ie. family, etc. JUst curious if I should carry out with it. End our friendship for now and maybe forever. Until I can move on and start falling in love with someone else or have no intimate feelings for her. Gimme some feedback, this seems like a huge gamble on my part, PLEASE HELP! -veedub

We broke up after 3 years together about 5 months ago. To sum it all up, neither of us were happy and a lack of communication was likely to blame. We have both dated over the past months and then I wanted her back. She was seeing someone new, and claims it was not serious. She was planning on moving to FL in the next few months(We lived in NC). She would not accept me back and yes I did everything I was not supposed to to try and make her want me back. We have kept in contact, but she usually calls me, I rarely call her. Last Friday (7/30) she moved to Florida, to pursue a new career; however, she did not have a career job yet, just thought there was more oppritunity in FL. I gave her a card and made a few CD's for her drive down. I called the next day to make sure she got there safely, and she did. I made the conversation quick, nothing more than just seeing if she arrived without incodent. She said she would call me and let me know how she was doing with the whole move in thing. She just called me a few minutes ago, however I did not answer. I was busy playing a poker tournament online. As soon as I did not answer she called my roomate. SHe assumed that since I didn't answer the phone that I was out. He said let me go see. He told her I wasn't here, he knows not to blow me up. She told him that she needed my help with setting up her internet connection and to have me call her when I get home and once again repeated that if I were home I would have answered her call. Here's the deal, I do think she wants to talk to me, not just for help with her internet. But, I do not want to talk to her if that is the only reason. I do not think I am going to call her back, I think I should just wait for her to call me again. Not wait by the phone, but just not call her. I do not know if she ended things with the new guy she was seeing, and I don't think I should ask either. She told me that it would end being she lives so far away now, but one never knows. I don't even know what kind of advice I am looking for, or if I am looking for any at all. Maybe I am just getting things out of my head on this forum. I am starting to move on, but I do still want her back. I would like to do the whole NC thing, but right now I think she needs me as a friend, and I do not want to pi$$ her off so she quits wanting to talk to me all together. Her computer can wait as far as I am concerned, but I am the only one she knows that can walk her through setting it up. And she does need it to help her with her job hunt. I guess I may be kinda stuck between a rock and a hard place with the whole NC thing. What do ya'll think? -veedub

Well, I guess I may have lashed out at you a little bit. But like we have said, we are in different situations and have different feelings. I can without a doubt though say I can be very good friends with her though. Even if I do have that underlying desire to be with her. People get to the point of being just friends with the ex at all different times. The time it takes is not a measure of how much you love them romantically by any means. Just as you do, I would love more than anything to spend the rest of my life with this girl, but unfortunately that is not an option for us right now. She doesn't want to be in a relationship with me, and honestly I do not know if I do with her...right now. I do know that I do want to spend the rest of my life with her. And for now, I just want to be friends. There is no other option for me. I am not going to be a d**k to her because I am not going to just let her go. I feel that there is a future for us and for some crazy reason I feel she does too. Right now however is not the time. It does kill me on certain days to not be with her, but on others it does not. However That does not mean I do not love her and am not capable of being in love with her again. Hell, I don't even know if I ever fell out of love with her. I think you can love someone romantically with all your heart, and still be real friends. Friendship is what relationships are built on, not attractions. If your lover is not your friend then they are just a piece of ass. But I have no doubt that I can just be a friend, and if things do not work out, then I will still be a friend. I hope this is not how you feel. A true frind can set aside their emotions toward another and just be a friend. I believe if you care enough for someone and they ask you to just be a friend for now, then you should do that. I am doing my best at it and doing quite well. We may end up agreeing to disagree on this subject but you have had some intresing points and I have taken those into consideration.

My ex and I broke up 4 months ago. And yes, she did do the whole personality change. SHe wasn't a b***h so to speak, but just cold to me. She was hanging out with new friends that she met at her new job. She had no time for me. She didn't even hang out with her life long friends that lived here. So not only did she push me aside, but she pushed them as well. I told her about this. I t may have been wrong but I did. I told her I didn't even know her anymore. She was so caught up in partying with her new "friends" that she said "I am back to who I really am, this is my real personality." Over the past week though, things have changed with her. She is moving a faily good distance away and seems to have finally screwed her head back on straight. She wants to make time to see me now, and when we are together, it is like old times...with her personality. She is back to the person I fell in love with. I think she realizes now who her real friends are, and who really cares about her. All these new people that she works with don't care either way if she stays living here or leaves. I asked her what the guy that she has been dating thinks about her leaving and she responded, "He knew this day was coming, he doesn't seem to let it bother him". So he doesn't seem to care either. So I guess what I'm getting at is that most exs do go thru this personality change. But in my opinion, it is just a way of coping with the matters at hand. Time heals, and I guess we just all have to ride it out. Luckily, my ex healed faily quickly.

The_tiger...I think you may have misunderstood me, or I expressed myself the wrong way. My ex has seen someone new Luckily she is not in love with him. ANd moving away from him. And he has no bearing on any of her decisions, as I do. So maybe I am not in the same shoes as you, but we are similar. I know my ex still wants me in her life, if just as a friend, or maybe more, I do not know. I do know that she wants me around. If it is just as a friend then fine. I am ok with that. I do not know your story, but we have be broken up for 4 moths now. And since the day we broke upwe vowed to always be friends at least. We never told one another that we would never get back together, just that right now was not the time. She wanted to get back together before I did, and I didn't realize it and blew her off. Then I wanted her back and she blew me off. We are on a completely different time scale here. If you think I have a diluded sense of the word friendship you are way out of line. My ex and I were very good friends, way before we were lovers. Maybe there was a little sexual tension before we fell in love but ultimatly we were friends. That is what I look back to. And that is what will keep us going. Do I want her back...absolulty, but not now. I want to live my life without the stress and worries that come with a serious relationship, and so does she. Neither of us is looking for a new relationship. We are just exploring. We may never get back together, but as long as we are both happy, then that IS all that matters. You say "I'm going to love her enough to let her go--and that is the hardest thing you can do for love. ", I am doing that, she is moving 14 hours away from me. I am letting her go. I am not going to be able to see her very often. I am not going to talk to her very often. But I am going to be a mature adult and not let some past relationship stand in front of our friendship. So DO NOT tell me I do not know what friendship is, because I do, and something that happened in the past is not a reason to destroy that. And I am not confusing desire with love, I do love her. And she loves me. This is a forum, for support not busting someone's balls, so if you can not grow up then just stay away. I feel that you are being very immature, so set your desires aside, and see if you really have love for your ex. I have no question that I have love for mine. If you want to just quit with your ex then fine, just quit...all I can say is that will not, because I do love her, and I must have her in my life, even if just a friend. Take what I said how you want.

Just going to update ya'll on what went on today. She called me this mornig and wanted me to come over for a while. We went out to luch and then back to her house. We hung out for a while and then she wanted to give one of her dogs a hair cut. We brought both of her dogs back to my house and shaved her Black Lab, which was quite difficult. Then we gave him a bath outside with the hose. While we were rinsing off the shampoo she decided to squirt me with the water hose. Hmmm, could she flirting a little? Of cours once I got control of the water I returned the favor. Well we dried him off and then just hung out for about another hour or so. I have to go to work soon so she headed home. She gave me a quiick hug and said she had a lot of fun today with me. I responded the same. We made plans to hang out again this weekend. I did not bring up anything about us, and neither did she. However, I have been wanting to shave my head for the summer, and I mentioned it. She said "absolutly not". She never would let me shave it when we were together. All this flirting was probably nothing but, one never knows. As far as my hair goes, I'll still probably do it. Going on vacation in 2 weeks with a bunch of my buddies to my beach house. I am sure it will be a drunken weekend, and god knows what I will do. Anyway, things went great today, and she seemed to be overwhelmed with emotion. I am just going to take it one day at a time. Oh yeah I forgot, she was questioning who I was seeing now. And assumed it was a grl I work with. Which it is not, but she sure was all up in my personnal life. Of coure I denied seeing the girl at work, whom she believed was who I was seeing. But I didn't lead on to who I am really starting to date now. She'll find out sooner or later.

There is no doubt she still has feelings for me in my mind, however they are not near what they used to be. I am going to be the best friend I can, because she has told me it is going to be VERY stressful and emotional and overwhelming for her as it will be for me. Not only is it hard that she is moving away from me, but she is also moving away from her family, they live in N.C. as well. She is the youngest of 3 daughters, the baby, and the only one to ever move away from them. She did it when she came to college in Charlotte 5 years ago, but then she was only 1 1/2 hours from her folks. Now she is going close to 12 hours away. At least she is moving with one of her girl friends, although she can be a bad influence, it is better than going alone. Also she has been honest with me from day 1, and even though people say that she may be "stringing" me along when she says "I may feel different tommarrow about us" and so on, for some reason I still think she may be holding on as well. I am NOT holding on near as tightly as I have been over the past few months. I am able to move on, and I sorf of have. But there will always be the feelings for her. Things may take a turn for the better, but I am certainly not waiting around. Spun...I know that she doesn't want to get back together right now, or maybe ever. I have come to realize that. And I am going to be the best friend that I can, she still calls me the best male friend she has ever had. I am going to spend as much time wiith her as I can, and she said in the email that she would make time for me. I see that as a good thing. Not as a good sign we may get back together, but as a good sign that we will grow with our relationship as friends. It is going to be aweful tough for me to hold back my emotions, as I am sure it will be for her. Packing the pictures she still has displayed of me in her current apartment will be especially tough. But I am going to do everything in my power to stand strong. If she breaks down though, I do not know how strong I will be able to be. Nothing has ever hurt me more with her than to see her hurting. We have been through alot together, I cannot even begin to explain, but with her families troubles especially, unfortunately her biological father left them when she was 6. Her mother dipped out on her stepdad 8 months ago, but thank God she came back...kind of a wake up call. That is just to name a few. Luckily I have until next Friday, the 30th @ 9 pm, thats when she is leaving. That will be the official goodbye for now, but certainly not for ever. And spun25, you are by far one of my best friends these days, and not just on these forums, and if you think I've helped you...I haven't even begun yet. You have guided me through a ton. ANd I thank you. The_tiger_striped_cat....Yes I am planning on talking to her when she moves. She has already invited me down as soon as she gets settled in and I can take some time off, in the next month or 2. I thought about cutting all ties, but I could NEVER. You see, I LOVE her, with all my heart. I do not know your situation completely, but cutting all ties is not the right thing to do. Not if you ever think you may want her back. You say "I am not going to wait any longer", and you should have said that months ago. I am not waiting any longer. I was in a very serious relationship for over 3 years, that may not be that long, but it was SERIOUS. It did take me a while to come to that, but like the great spun25 once told me "It Is All About You". Probably the best advice I have ever received. Do what makes you happy, and I feel that you just throwing in the towel is not what you want to do. I do not recommend just giving up. But do not wait either. If the day comes, then it is your decision not hers. Remember that, you have probably stated how you feel to her, and she thinks it is her decision of when or if she will ever take you back. But in all honesty, it is now if YOU will take her back. Don't just "Cut all ties", that's silly, be a friend, and if it leads to something more again, then great, but if it doesn't then you will still be a friend and that's good too. I am starting to sound like spun25. By the way, She invited me over on Thursday to hang out for a while before I go to work. And we made plans for next Tuesday to hang out all day. So I will be good and not bring up the B.S., unless she starts the conversation, which she won't. I am confident things will go well.

Ok, well I have posted my story on here before. In brief: We mutually broke up in April after 3 years together. We both have dated other people, then I decide I want her back. Of course I did everything that I shouldn't have. The begging, crying, pleading, etc. So now I am ok with talking to her and seeing her. It no longer screws with my emotions, at least no where near like it did before. But here's what I am up against now. On July 30th my ex is moving to Florida, we live in N. Carolina now. She says she needs to do her own thing right now. She planned on moving at the end of August, but had to sign a lease for the beginning of August to secure the apartment. Yestarday, her best friend, whom I work with, called me and told me that my ex and I need to get together before she leaves. Just for us to hang out. So I emailed her. This is my email: How are you? My main purpose to this email is to let you know that I want to spend some time with you before you leave. I hope that you feel the same. I'm not talking about everyday, but maybe a few times. I would like to take you out to dinner, on me of course, sometime before you leave. I assume you will not be working the days next week leading up to you departure. I would like you to tell me a date so that I can request off from work that we can spend all day together. Just as friends of course, I can help you pack, and we can hang out, and then hit up a dinner together. If you do not want to I will understand, but I would like to spend some quality one on one time with you before you leave. No B.S. about us unless you were to bring it up, but just friendship. I do not want to go out late night with a lot of people to celebrate your leaving, I just want to hang out, just us two, at least one more good time. So give me a call please. I Love You. Today she responded with this: Hey! Yes I would be happy to spend some time with you before I leave. I don't have a whole lot of time with all the s**t I have going on but I will make time. I would hate myself if I left without seeing you. No matter how you may think I feel, leaving you is going to be one of the hardest things I have ever had to do. I am leaving everything I know here and it is not going to be easy but I feel good about it. You are more than welcome to help me pack too. I am very overwhelmed by all the things I have to do. My parents are in town today so I may not get a chance to talk to you until later tonight or tomorrow. I am off tomorrow but I have a lot to do so we can work something out if you can promise no B.S. This whole move is a very emotional situation for me so I need you to be supportive and not on my ass. We will never live with ourselves if I leave with the two of us on bad terms. I will call you later I love you too. She called me on her way to work this afternoon. We had a very pleasent conversation. She seemed to be looking forward to seeing me soon, since we have not seen one another in about 3 weeks. It is going to hard for me not to get emotional around her, because as you can imagine I am a little upset she is leaving. I do feel that we have a future together and she has not ruled it out either. I am holding on to her a little, but I am not allowing it to cloud my vision. I guess what I am getting at is how exactly to take this email she sent me. Just fishing for some thoughts from anyone out there. It may help if you read a few of my other posts to get a better idea of how things are, or aren't with us.

Well spun25, here's my take. She has probably done a 180 because he has told her all the things she wanted to hear. With out a doubt he has told her that he will open up to her so she can get to know who he really is. He has made a lot of promises to her, just to get her back. We all make these promises, I have done it before. However more often than not, we do not follow through with them. Things are great once you get back together, but then they usually fade. And one gets back into the normal routine. In my opinion, they will not last to long, because he will probably go back to his roots and live his personnal life in a shell. I cannot tell you if you will ever get her back. But if you are uncomfortable to talk or see her, then NC is the way to go for now. Do not expect her to call you regarding the letter. I did the same thing and my ex never called me to talk about it. I do think that she does need to know that you do still have strong feelings for her. But do not bring up the letter in conversation. She has read it, if she wants to talk about it then let her initiate it. If I were you, once you can talk to her again comfortably, I would slowly start telling her things about you she doesn't know. I know you 2 were together for a good amount of time, but there are always things you hold back from telling. I think that if you start to open up to her over the next few weeks, that she will see you are giving her what he is not. But do not lay all the cards on the table immeditly, do it over time. Keep it up and once the new bf stops opening up to her, which he will likely do within the next month or so, you keep on and she will notice. Thats about the best I can do for now.. -veedub

Well I guess I will give an update. It's hard to believe, but I think I may be "over" my ex so to speak. I have learned alot about myself and about her looking back on our relationship. You see, we broke up mutually. She may have initiated the conversation, but I wanted it just as bad as she did. I decided I wanted to try to work things out soon after I found out about the guy she was dating. I was jealous. I did want her back, and I still do, but at the same time I do not. I spent 2 months beating myself up over this girl. I thought of everything I did wrong, and nothing that she did. Then I read a web page regarding the whole getting back together deal. One thing it told me to do was sit down and write a letter to her. Write a letter that pretty much just bashes on her and everything she did wrong. And I mean everything, but never ever send it. It took me about 2 days to figure out what she did wrong. As they would pop into my head I would make a little note and put it in my pocket. I then made a list when I got home. I wrote the letter, and just b*tched her out. I now keep that letter in the back of my closet in an old shoe box. Everytime I start thinking of what I did wrong I read it. Now everything I know I did wrong doesn't seem near as bad. Not only does it make me feel better, but I will always have a list of things she must fix, before we can try to work things out, I will never forget them. I do the whole NC thing, well to an extent. I do not call her, she calls me. It's usually about every 4 days or so. I don't get all bothered like I did before. I am not completely over her, and may never be, but I do know that I am not ready to be back with her now. If she call me in a month or a year, then it will be my decision if we get back together not hers. I guess that I have come to accept the fact that she is moving on. She moves 14 hours away from me in less than 2 weeks. Those last few days leading up to her moving may be difficult, well I know they will. But I am confident that I will stand strong. I have started dating an old friend now. She is a girl that I have always had a crush on. I have known her for about 6 years. She is not a real good friend, so that makes it less awkward. She does know my ex, and I know her ex. But I have come to the conclusion that I will not let anyone stand in my way if there is an attraction toward someone. It is all about what I want. No one else is going to stand in my way. I will not tippee toe around because I am afraid of upsetting someone else. They do not matter to me. I have alot in common with this girl. She was dating her ex for about 3 years, just as I was. But she doesn't want to jump into any serious relationship anytime soon, and either do I. We like to do alot of the same things in our free time, enjoy the same music, like the same beer(always a plus in my book), etc. So I guess I will see where it leads. These posts are my story. If you are going through something similar, and can get some piece of mind through how things have gone with me, then good. Also, spun25 does give some good advice, and definetly will tell you things you may not want to hear, but you should not take his word lightly.

spun, I wish I could give advice like you do. Ok, she may not ask me to keep the dog, and I am not going to offer. Because, she would probably think I was doing it to help her out if I offered. But if she asks me I guess I will, but make it clear in an inconspicuous way that I am not doing it for her. SHe did not contact me thank God. It may sound harsh but I just have no desire to speak to her right now. If it is important she can leave a message, or call me at work. It is not like there is no one else that look after her dogs while she is gone, but she just cannot trust anyone to look after them but me. She loves alot of her friends, but she will never trust them with her dogs like she will me, I know that for a fact. If she does ask me, I will take your advice. I will make it short and sweet when I pick them up. Not answer her calls immediately, assuming I am home. I am very attached to the dog I gave her, but I do not necessarily want to get anymore attached than I already am. I do have a picture of him and myself but I had to take it down because it screwed with me to much. I will miss that dog when he mives to florida. Although things are relativly good. I am trying to move on and pursue other options. We'll just see how it goes. I'll keep you posted. Hope things are going OK for you. Good Luck, and hold your head high. As you would say..."It's all about YOU!"

Well, dude I know I may have looked into her coming to my work a little too much, but she did call me yesarday shortly after I posted. I did not answer though. I was about to leave for work and talking to her may have screwed me up if I had done so. You say that I probably will see her out with other guys and I may, but she is moving in 6 weeks, so I will not have to deal with it for long. It has been 5 days since we spoke last. I thought this would be difficult, but it is not as hard as I thought. I just kind of look at it as, I bet she is wondering what I am doing, and why I have not called her. I went from calling virtually everyday to not calling or contacting at all. I am going today to see my ex-ex. She does not know I am coming. It is gonna be a surprise. I know she will be happy to see me. I hope that she is not in a relationship, because I would really like to date her. Assuming she has not turned into a witch or something like that. I remember nothing bad about this girl, I was just young and dumb when we were together, and wanted to see other people. I do however have to go over to my ex's apartment complex today. One of our friends' computer is messed up and I told her I would fix it. She is in the building right next to my ex's. My ex's dogs know my cars sound and will go crazy when they hear it. And our friend will probably tell her I was there. No big deal, just trying to distance myself from her, but I promised my friend I would help her out. The dogs bring me to a question though. My ex is leaving Sat or Sun to go to Florida to look for a new place to live. She will be there for 4 days. She has asked me to keep the dog I gave her as a present 2 years ago while she is out of town. Initially I told her it would be no problem, since I do love this dog, and miss him. I started thinking last week though, that the only time she contacts me is to ask for a favor. She will call and start off with some small talk, but as soon as she wants to get off the phone, she asks me for something to help her out. So last week I went over to her house to get all my remaining stuff. I told her I wouldn't keep him while she was gone, because I would be no part of her moving if we were not in a relationship. I told her my feelings on this may change, but I don't know. She got upset and told me "fine, he will just stay in a cage at the vet", trying to make me feel guilty. I really do want to keep him though, but I do not want to do her a favor when she is not doing any for me. And I do not want to see her when I pick him up or when she gets back. She would be calling everyday while she was away to check on him also. I am just curious what I should do. I guess it could go both ways.

Cool, she did not show. Had a great time.

Yeah I figured I would be way out of line to request her not to come to my work. Just bugs me for a little while. I am positive that she came to see her friend, thry probably went out for lunch. This may be a long shot, but...It could be possible that this is a test by her. Maybe just to see what my response to her would be. See, every other time she has come in there I have called or emailed her as soon as I got off. The thing is, she could have just waited in the car. Her friend was off already, and she does not know anyone else that works there. SHe was only there for a few minutes, and could see I was very busy. That is probably the reason she didn't come talk to me initially. She may have wanted to say a quick hello before she loeft, but I never gave her the chance. Maybe I am way out in left field with this. We are cordial to each other. She thinks I am moving on now because our friends have seen me with other girls. Nothing serious has happened with them though, but that is my business, and she only knows what she thinks. She has asked me about them, and I have been as vague as possible. Saying things like, "We're just having fun", "Just hanging out". Today a long time friend of ours came back into town for a day or 2 and invited me to go out with her and our other mutual friends. I am almost positive my ex will be there. This is going to be tough because last time we were out together I was a real jerk. But she told me she almost didn't come because I was going to be there. Not because she didn't want to see me, but because she knew how I would act. ANd sure enough she was right. So I am going to pull it together tonight, hopefully, and stand strong. I want to see my friend and have fun with her, not my ex. I just hope her "Boys of Summer" aren't there. Then I do not know what I would do. Try to act like it doesn't bother me anymore, but probably just leave. I think she knows better though. Alright, off to the bar, we'll see how this goes.

This is what really sucks...My ex and I worked together for the 3 years we were together, that;s where I met her. She quit about 2 months before we split. But her best friend still works there. I am good friends with her best friend also and often did a lot of talking to her after we broke up and I decided I wanted to try to work things out. She really didn't have anything different to say about my ex than my ex had already told me. But she knows not to bring her up around me, because it would make me uncomfortable. Today, my ex, who works 3 resturaunts down decided to come in and see her friend. She knew I was there, my car was in the parking lot. As soon as I say her, I got upset. Angry, hurt, scared, etc. I wanted her to come talk to me so bad. But I stood my ground. As soon as I sold the few checks I had, Immediately walked to the back to have a cigarette. I do not know if she knows I saw her, but I imagine she did. Whan I got done smoking I went back up to the front and she was gone. It just fires me up that she can just walk in there knowing I am there. I don't go to her place of work, because it may make her uncomfortable. I want to tell her not to come back into my work when I am ther, but I do not know if I have a right. Or if I do it will make me seem weak when I am starting to strengthen. Right nnow I am just mad that I even saw her. I do want to talk to her again, but right now out of sight is out of mind, most of the time. It makes me mad that she didn't come in and at least say hello as soon as she got there, but then again I didn't want to talk to her then anyway. That's why I went to place she could not see me or have the oppritunity to talk to me. That may be why she left, because I am pretty sure she knows I saw her and when I disappeared she may have got the hint. But what i am getting at is, do I have the right to ask her not to come to my work when I am there, because it makes me uncomfortable. If I do then how do I go about explaining it to her. Granted she was probably coming to meet her friend for lunch, they left about the same time. And her best friend does work there. I just don't want to sound like a dick, but I do.