boltnrun

If I can't fathom having sex with a man there's no way I can be in a relationship with him. And no, you shouldn't have to "rough it out" with someone you're in a relationship with. How miserable would that be for the both of you?

Fearing you'll never find anyone else is a terrible reason to stay in a relationship.

End this and then start thinking of ways to meet people, whether it's taking classes or volunteering or playing on a coed sports team...whatever. And being allergic to cats isn't a dating impediment lol. Not every woman on the planet has a cat!

There is no way to approach a business or organization that she hasn't even applied to yet (from your knowledge) to "warn" them about her. It also would come across as you trying to insert yourself into her life (whether or not that's actually the case). They would likely look at YOU as the problem, not her, and it could draw their attention to you. And not in a good way.

Unless she has specifically threatened someone else she has done nothing illegal that you know of. If she has committed a crime against you, you are certainly within your rights to file a police report. But they can't preemptively reject someone as an applicant just because her ex says they shouldn't hire her.

In most circles you would be considered a "catch". But some people refuse to see anything except the color of one's skin. I've been approached and asked loudly "DO YOU SPEAK ENGLISH?" because I'm ethnically Latina. And been asked when I got into the country and yes, if I'm here legally. I even had a man I was dating tell me "You're the first Mexican I've ever been around who wasn't holding a leaf blower." I mean, really?

You can do much better. And I agree, do some socializing and I bet you'll meet someone who'll make you VERY glad you walked away from that woman.

And blocking is just fine. No need to leave a door open for that odious woman. 

That's interesting. I have severe anxiety and while I definitely try to control my personal environment I've never tried to control the behavior of others and I don't feel I'm hypercritical of everyone around me. Sure, I do criticize my brother (on my journal) but I don't nitpick my friends over their life choices or who they get into relationships with and I don't get upset if family or friends don't give me praise or gratitude for things I choose to do for them, etc. I do realize mental disorders manifest differently for each individual. 

I personally see a lack of satisfaction with your own life, Alex, and it manifests as extreme criticism of everyone you encounter and as jealousy of people who have what you want for yourself. 

I think he should have sent a thank you card, especially given that he chose to use the money. Apparently he disagrees and is willing to end his relationship with his grandmother over a (small) issue. That's a shame.

This isn't about a family member, but I asked a close friend to come feed and water my cat while I was out of town. My friend lived literally a half mile away. He forgot two days in a row. I came home and my cat had no food and no water. I was upset but I also realized this friend was doing this as a favor for free, so I wasn't going to make it a thing. I simply hired a service after that. And he and I are still close friends. I just knew I couldn't rely on him for favors and that's fine. 

5 minutes ago, ghost72 said:

Yes and it just happened today again too. 

I bet he likes her.

Why do you want to know why? Why do you care?

"I'm just curious" isn't the reason why, BTW. What's the real reason?

My three closest friends are as follows:  two are married and one is divorced like me but she lives thousands of miles away and NEVER visits my area.  I don't moan about how she doesn't make time for me.  I just plan to fly out to see her when I can and she generously opens her home to me.  We haven't seen one another in person in almost 8 years but I don't take it as a personal slam against me or decide that she doesn't "prioritize" me!  My two friends who are married live out of state.  One of them has traveled twice (with his spouse) to see me and now it's my turn, so I will be visiting them next year.  My other good friend who's married will not, and I mean WILL NOT, go anywhere without her husband.  She missed my 50th birthday shindig because I had decided it would be "ladies only" and she refused to go unless her husband was welcome.  So she missed it 🤷‍♀️  I would have liked for to be there but she chose not to be.  And when I visit her city her husband MUST come along when we get together.  Hey, her husband is a neat guy so it doesn't bother me one bit.  I don't operate the same way, but their marriage is their business.  Not mine.

Are you willing to do anything about meeting new people?  Are you willing to accept people as they are?  Can you break this constant habit of insisting the world do things YOUR way?  Can you let go of the jealousy, resentment and constant looking for hidden insults and rejections? 

6 minutes ago, ghost72 said:

Should I have held hands with her?

No, absolutely not.  This is a coworker.

7 minutes ago, ghost72 said:

My coworkers think that’s what she wanted me to do. 

Please stop gossiping about her to your coworkers.  That's a very unprofessional thing to do. Plus they will tell her everything you say (with embellishments). 

If you like this young woman (I doubt she's a "girl" unless your company hires minors), ask her to meet you at break and share a snack or buy her a coffee.

12 minutes ago, Alex39 said:

Until I get married and have children I won't fit in with them. 

And that still might not change anything.  Just because you would all have kids doesn't mean you'll all be spending a lot of time together.  What if their kids are into things your kids aren't?  What if they're into hunting and fishing and your kids are into soccer or band?  That wouldn't mean they're rejecting you.

I get that your focus is on yourself but it's unrealistic to expect others to focus on you.

Also, you are excellent at completely ignoring the great advice you're given.  Your talent at tunnel vision is top notch. Why do you refuse to even acknowledge the advice people give you?

58 minutes ago, Alex39 said:

wants all of us to shower her with gifts

Did she say this or is this how you're interpreting the situation?  Just because someone hosts a baby shower doesn't mean they expect to be bombarded with presents.  I didn't.

Alex, I've said it over and over (and so have many others)...you are spending SO much time being jealous and resentful of others because they have what you want for yourself.  How is that working out for you?  Does being "hurt" and jealous and critical make you feel better?  Does it improve your life?

I get these women have been your friends for years, but circumstances change.  Most of the friends I've had for a long time are far away or busy with other things.  Just because I'm divorced and single and have more availability doesn't mean they should prioritize seeing me over whatever else they have going on.

Instead of criticizing out of jealousy or bemoaning how it's not like the old days anymore, how about finding ways to meet new people?  There must be dozens of young women your age who are single or who don't have children and share your interests in baking, homemaking and whatever else you're interested in. 

In my city there are many businesses that host events that are women-friendly.  I just found out about a women's walking group.  I will be joining that group.  There is a business within walking distance that hosts "wellness" events.  Other businesses host macrame classes, mosaic classes, individual dance events, cooking classes...the lists goes on and on. 

Unless you live in some small remote town that has nothing going on, you too could join in on all the fun.  But you have to make an effort.

He likes you just fine. But he doesn't want a relationship with you. 

You can refuse to accept this and hold on for 25+ years like my friend did if you want. But that doesn't seem like a pleasant way to spend your life. My friend has had a miserable life because she refused to let go. 

I keep seeing stories of young people taking their own lives because they were rejected by one or both parents after they told them they were gay or lesbian. I can't fathom ever rejecting my own child, who I have loved since I knew he was conceived, just because he loves a man. It's heartbreaking. 

I agree that it is extremely unethical and unprofessional for your therapist to "diagnose" someone they've never even met let alone treated. A therapist's job isn't to give you false ways of making you feel better but rather to give you tools to manage whatever issues you have. If your issue is attaching yourself to inappropriate people or situations they should be helping you with that, not giving you fake soothing mechanisms that aren't effective in the long term. 

BTW, I have worked with a therapist I found online through Better Help and she is excellent. She has ME do the work, she doesn't just tell me things I want to hear to make my life "easier". 

I have no idea if my ex is a narcissist, but he is extremely toxic. He treated me poorly then would call me crying, telling me he knew he was an a-hole and saying he was sorry. He was manipulating me, he wasn't genuinely sorry. He just wanted me to stick around for his ego and so he could have someone to emotionally kick when he wanted to. He didn't love me. 

I hope you choose to end this connection permanently so you no longer expose yourself to this person who is bad for you. 

6 hours ago, poorlittlefish said:

Surely you don't mean forcing her to accept a sex act? Giving an ultimatum seems rather harsh and unlikely to achieve a positive response/outcome. 

I agree, ultimatums not only seldom work but they disregard the other person's feelings and rights. You can't say "have sex with me or else!" Or, you could but don't expect it to be well received. 

I'm glad you're doing better and things are going well for you. 

I have a friend who was in a relationship with a man who actually proposed marriage. They lived together and had started planning their wedding. Well, he decided he didn't want to marry her after all and broke up with her. She was distraught and was barely functioning. She's still waiting for him to return to her and he broke up with her in 1994!! She had a mental breakdown and had to be institutionalized. She is unable to work and, sadly, never got into another relationship and never married or had children. All because she insisted on waiting for him because, she said, he had promised to marry her and she expected him to keep his promise.

This is a cautionary tale. Please don't let your disappointment over the relationship not working out ruin the rest of your life like my friend did. 

Just now, Sindy_0311 said:

It’s IMO the best way to break the physical barrier on a date,

But they aren't going on a date. It's a get together with a group of coworkers.

I would feel extremely uncomfortable if a coworker placed his hand on any part of my body or if he touched his lips while staring at my lips. Even if I had up to that point found him intriguing, that would turn me right off. 

Kim, I think you have the right mindset. The world won't end if a week or two goes by before you see this coworker friend again. 

I know two people who met (he was visiting her area), spent an amazing two solid weeks together where they were inseparable and spending all day every day together, had an absolutely wonderful time...then he went back home and realized he was still in love with his ex (who he ended up marrying and having a family with!), so he messaged the woman he'd spent the two weeks with to say sorry. She was pretty upset about it because nothing during those two weeks indicated he was in love with anyone else. She said those two weeks were magical and she was completely blindsided.

Despite exchanging messages and somehow deciding you two are in some kind of relationship, you can't possibly know for sure until you meet and spend a reasonable amount of time together.

Don't make the mistake of making your first meeting a days-long marathon date when she stays at your place or you stay at hers. Schedule it as though you two are local to one another. A marathon first meet creates a false sense of how you two would interact in an actual relationship.

1 minute ago, Oldmanwondering said:

Do I owe her to marry her?  If not what do I owe her? 

You don't "owe" anyone a marriage. You do, however, owe it to her to be honest about your misgivings.

2 minutes ago, Oldmanwondering said:

I would marry her if I thought things would change. 

Never conduct a relationship under the hopes that your partner will "change". If someone has to change who they are fundamentally to be right for you, they're wrong for you. And I don't mean they leave their dirty clothes on the floor and you want them to put them in the hamper. I mean a change in temperament, personality, finances, etc. 

If you have these misgivings, why do you continue to have her live with you? Is it your expectation that she should be willing to live together indefinitely without a marriage?

But @Sindy_0311, he did suggest another get together, albeit a group outing rather than a date. 

I would reach out to ask if the details had been set. If he's vague or noncommittal then I wouldn't ask again. 

I slept last night. It was glorious. I got about 6 1/4 hours and it felt amazing. Slept through to my alarm too which is rare. It's agonizing getting through in office days when I don't sleep so this is great.

If you're wondering if she views this arrangement as a real romantic relationship, stop sending her money. See if she sticks around and keeps communicating with you. 

I would not react well to having my phone snatched out of my hand either.

I think you realize now that was not and is not necessary.

It's usually a good idea to stop and think for a minute before acting or speaking.