boltnrun

I keep seeing stories of young people taking their own lives because they were rejected by one or both parents after they told them they were gay or lesbian. I can't fathom ever rejecting my own child, who I have loved since I knew he was conceived, just because he loves a man. It's heartbreaking. 

I agree that it is extremely unethical and unprofessional for your therapist to "diagnose" someone they've never even met let alone treated. A therapist's job isn't to give you false ways of making you feel better but rather to give you tools to manage whatever issues you have. If your issue is attaching yourself to inappropriate people or situations they should be helping you with that, not giving you fake soothing mechanisms that aren't effective in the long term. 

BTW, I have worked with a therapist I found online through Better Help and she is excellent. She has ME do the work, she doesn't just tell me things I want to hear to make my life "easier". 

I have no idea if my ex is a narcissist, but he is extremely toxic. He treated me poorly then would call me crying, telling me he knew he was an a-hole and saying he was sorry. He was manipulating me, he wasn't genuinely sorry. He just wanted me to stick around for his ego and so he could have someone to emotionally kick when he wanted to. He didn't love me. 

I hope you choose to end this connection permanently so you no longer expose yourself to this person who is bad for you. 

6 hours ago, poorlittlefish said:

Surely you don't mean forcing her to accept a sex act? Giving an ultimatum seems rather harsh and unlikely to achieve a positive response/outcome. 

I agree, ultimatums not only seldom work but they disregard the other person's feelings and rights. You can't say "have sex with me or else!" Or, you could but don't expect it to be well received. 

I'm glad you're doing better and things are going well for you. 

I have a friend who was in a relationship with a man who actually proposed marriage. They lived together and had started planning their wedding. Well, he decided he didn't want to marry her after all and broke up with her. She was distraught and was barely functioning. She's still waiting for him to return to her and he broke up with her in 1994!! She had a mental breakdown and had to be institutionalized. She is unable to work and, sadly, never got into another relationship and never married or had children. All because she insisted on waiting for him because, she said, he had promised to marry her and she expected him to keep his promise.

This is a cautionary tale. Please don't let your disappointment over the relationship not working out ruin the rest of your life like my friend did. 

Just now, Sindy_0311 said:

It’s IMO the best way to break the physical barrier on a date,

But they aren't going on a date. It's a get together with a group of coworkers.

I would feel extremely uncomfortable if a coworker placed his hand on any part of my body or if he touched his lips while staring at my lips. Even if I had up to that point found him intriguing, that would turn me right off. 

Kim, I think you have the right mindset. The world won't end if a week or two goes by before you see this coworker friend again. 

I know two people who met (he was visiting her area), spent an amazing two solid weeks together where they were inseparable and spending all day every day together, had an absolutely wonderful time...then he went back home and realized he was still in love with his ex (who he ended up marrying and having a family with!), so he messaged the woman he'd spent the two weeks with to say sorry. She was pretty upset about it because nothing during those two weeks indicated he was in love with anyone else. She said those two weeks were magical and she was completely blindsided.

Despite exchanging messages and somehow deciding you two are in some kind of relationship, you can't possibly know for sure until you meet and spend a reasonable amount of time together.

Don't make the mistake of making your first meeting a days-long marathon date when she stays at your place or you stay at hers. Schedule it as though you two are local to one another. A marathon first meet creates a false sense of how you two would interact in an actual relationship.

1 minute ago, Oldmanwondering said:

Do I owe her to marry her?  If not what do I owe her? 

You don't "owe" anyone a marriage. You do, however, owe it to her to be honest about your misgivings.

2 minutes ago, Oldmanwondering said:

I would marry her if I thought things would change. 

Never conduct a relationship under the hopes that your partner will "change". If someone has to change who they are fundamentally to be right for you, they're wrong for you. And I don't mean they leave their dirty clothes on the floor and you want them to put them in the hamper. I mean a change in temperament, personality, finances, etc. 

If you have these misgivings, why do you continue to have her live with you? Is it your expectation that she should be willing to live together indefinitely without a marriage?

But @Sindy_0311, he did suggest another get together, albeit a group outing rather than a date. 

I would reach out to ask if the details had been set. If he's vague or noncommittal then I wouldn't ask again. 

I slept last night. It was glorious. I got about 6 1/4 hours and it felt amazing. Slept through to my alarm too which is rare. It's agonizing getting through in office days when I don't sleep so this is great.

If you're wondering if she views this arrangement as a real romantic relationship, stop sending her money. See if she sticks around and keeps communicating with you. 

I would not react well to having my phone snatched out of my hand either.

I think you realize now that was not and is not necessary.

It's usually a good idea to stop and think for a minute before acting or speaking. 

She also lied about her age.

These arrangements are usually more advantageous to one party than the other. 

I'm tempted to show up at work tomorrow in a wife beater and pajama bottoms. And bedroom slippers. 

I think it would be helpful to frame this arrangement as transactional. Everything you've written is the classic young woman overseas/financially well established older man. It's quite common.

As long as you're both getting what you want, what's the harm? Leave feelings out of it. 

22 minutes ago, SimonH said:

I see what you are saying and it might be difficult to understand especially if you are not here but it does not feel completely transactional. I think she does have very strong feelings for me.I have dated other girls before that were like being out with a sour fish and difficult to converse with. This is not that person. 

If you truly believe that, why are you asking if you are being "played" or taken advantage of?

And of course she's pleasant to be around. If she was a sourpuss you wouldn't be forthcoming with the financial support.

Whose idea was it for you to start giving her money? 

I swore up and down to anyone who would listen that my ex was "the love of my life who I'll love forever!!!!!!!!!1111" and I believed I would never get over him and would never stop loving him. And I would gladly take him back at any time, no matter how long it took. Then a funny thing happened. A couple of years had gone by and I ran into him. And...felt nothing. I thought, this can't be right! So I deliberately exposed myself to him again. Still nothing. Then, oh happy day! He contacted me and asked if he could see me. I thought, well, here's my chance! So I went out with him. And found him to be insufferably boring. So I tried sleeping with him. Ugh. That was even worse. I got zero enjoyment or pleasure. Zero passion. So the next time he contacted me I turned him down.

I would have bet my life on leaping at the chance to reconcile with him and would never have imagined I'd turn him down, but I did. I did not and do not "love him forever!!!"

You'll get there. And when you meet the right one you'll wonder what you were thinking.

27 minutes ago, NighttimeNightmare said:

Have you made some good progress? 

Yes, I really have. A few years ago I was literally on my couch in the fetal position afraid to go outside. I gave up a really good career because I was afraid. I also had an irrational fear of bridges and now I drive over them like it's nothing. I also didn't want to appear "weird" and I would say that's still an ongoing effort. I know some things I do ARE in fact weird, but that also helps me because I'm too embarrassed to act weird in front of others. I'm the one who has a Kleenex in their hand because I don't like touching door handles or ATM machine buttons or those buttons you push to cross the street. And I HATE touching cash because it's so filthy. But little by little I'm working on those things. And I'm way better than I was three years ago.

I do sometimes become infuriated when something doesn't work right, but again I don't throw a fit in front of others because I'm too embarrassed. I have to just stop, step back and when I'm calmer I can try again. But I don't give up because I still want things and if I give up I won't get them.

Maybe instead of having rage as your go to when you feel pressured or too emotionally open you can imagine yourself being strong and confident and able to manage whatever it is that causes that feeling. I remind myself that my body and my brain belong to me, so I have the right to decide how they operate. 

I have anxiety and OCD. One thing my therapist strongly recommended was deliberately putting myself into uncomfortable situations. And one way I deal with it is by literally talking to myself inside my head about "what's the worst that could happen?" So if you allow this woman to be aware of your thoughts and feelings, what could happen that's so unbearable? What disaster could happen that would render you unable to function? I imagine the worst possible scenario and then I think about how I would deal with it. Or, I allow myself to understand that I can't control every situation or outcome and that's OK too. 

And I'm still alive! Despite doing things that make me uncomfortable or that set off my anxiety or OCD. 

This is a business arrangement and she has other customers. She is also likely dating local young men for romantic reasons.

I think you know what's going on here. And I think you fully understand that this is a transactional situation.

Why don't you date women in your own country?

Sexual comments at work are actually illegal in the US. You can go to your company's HR department to tell them what's been going on. 

5 minutes ago, Jaunty said:

Did he cheat on you, or didn't he?  You've mentioned twice that "he was accused of cheating."  What exactly happened, and why is he paying the price now?

Also, who accused him of cheating? You used the passive tense so it's unclear. 

Once again unable to sleep. I got maybe about 4 hours. No reason why. Thankfully it's a WFH day. I'm in my pajamas. Not the best but not much else I can do. 

Have you two decided to be in a committed romantic relationship?