boltnrun

She also lied about her age.

These arrangements are usually more advantageous to one party than the other. 

I'm tempted to show up at work tomorrow in a wife beater and pajama bottoms. And bedroom slippers. 

I think it would be helpful to frame this arrangement as transactional. Everything you've written is the classic young woman overseas/financially well established older man. It's quite common.

As long as you're both getting what you want, what's the harm? Leave feelings out of it. 

22 minutes ago, SimonH said:

I see what you are saying and it might be difficult to understand especially if you are not here but it does not feel completely transactional. I think she does have very strong feelings for me.I have dated other girls before that were like being out with a sour fish and difficult to converse with. This is not that person. 

If you truly believe that, why are you asking if you are being "played" or taken advantage of?

And of course she's pleasant to be around. If she was a sourpuss you wouldn't be forthcoming with the financial support.

Whose idea was it for you to start giving her money? 

I swore up and down to anyone who would listen that my ex was "the love of my life who I'll love forever!!!!!!!!!1111" and I believed I would never get over him and would never stop loving him. And I would gladly take him back at any time, no matter how long it took. Then a funny thing happened. A couple of years had gone by and I ran into him. And...felt nothing. I thought, this can't be right! So I deliberately exposed myself to him again. Still nothing. Then, oh happy day! He contacted me and asked if he could see me. I thought, well, here's my chance! So I went out with him. And found him to be insufferably boring. So I tried sleeping with him. Ugh. That was even worse. I got zero enjoyment or pleasure. Zero passion. So the next time he contacted me I turned him down.

I would have bet my life on leaping at the chance to reconcile with him and would never have imagined I'd turn him down, but I did. I did not and do not "love him forever!!!"

You'll get there. And when you meet the right one you'll wonder what you were thinking.

27 minutes ago, NighttimeNightmare said:

Have you made some good progress? 

Yes, I really have. A few years ago I was literally on my couch in the fetal position afraid to go outside. I gave up a really good career because I was afraid. I also had an irrational fear of bridges and now I drive over them like it's nothing. I also didn't want to appear "weird" and I would say that's still an ongoing effort. I know some things I do ARE in fact weird, but that also helps me because I'm too embarrassed to act weird in front of others. I'm the one who has a Kleenex in their hand because I don't like touching door handles or ATM machine buttons or those buttons you push to cross the street. And I HATE touching cash because it's so filthy. But little by little I'm working on those things. And I'm way better than I was three years ago.

I do sometimes become infuriated when something doesn't work right, but again I don't throw a fit in front of others because I'm too embarrassed. I have to just stop, step back and when I'm calmer I can try again. But I don't give up because I still want things and if I give up I won't get them.

Maybe instead of having rage as your go to when you feel pressured or too emotionally open you can imagine yourself being strong and confident and able to manage whatever it is that causes that feeling. I remind myself that my body and my brain belong to me, so I have the right to decide how they operate. 

I have anxiety and OCD. One thing my therapist strongly recommended was deliberately putting myself into uncomfortable situations. And one way I deal with it is by literally talking to myself inside my head about "what's the worst that could happen?" So if you allow this woman to be aware of your thoughts and feelings, what could happen that's so unbearable? What disaster could happen that would render you unable to function? I imagine the worst possible scenario and then I think about how I would deal with it. Or, I allow myself to understand that I can't control every situation or outcome and that's OK too. 

And I'm still alive! Despite doing things that make me uncomfortable or that set off my anxiety or OCD. 

This is a business arrangement and she has other customers. She is also likely dating local young men for romantic reasons.

I think you know what's going on here. And I think you fully understand that this is a transactional situation.

Why don't you date women in your own country?

Sexual comments at work are actually illegal in the US. You can go to your company's HR department to tell them what's been going on. 

5 minutes ago, Jaunty said:

Did he cheat on you, or didn't he?  You've mentioned twice that "he was accused of cheating."  What exactly happened, and why is he paying the price now?

Also, who accused him of cheating? You used the passive tense so it's unclear. 

Once again unable to sleep. I got maybe about 4 hours. No reason why. Thankfully it's a WFH day. I'm in my pajamas. Not the best but not much else I can do. 

Have you two decided to be in a committed romantic relationship?

Nothing bothers these people more than being ignored.

Seems like a great plan to me!

1 hour ago, Bene20 said:

jealousy is not a good trait bro!

Not a "bro". 

7 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

Here we go again. 

 

I mean, we're not getting the "I'm a perfect specimen, girls should flock to me, they'd be lucky to be in the presence of such perfection like me!" this time. Maybe there's some humility. And being humble is good, BTW. 

48 minutes ago, JamesTaylor7892 said:

No, absolutely not. Bombardment is definitely not what I've been doing, even from day one. In fairness I've got a full time job, go to the gym 3-4 times a week, have two dogs and my daughter who recently has been living with me 90% of the time. So frankly I have a lot on myself, just like her. I don't feel I've given her the impression I'm too available either but I guess I'm a bit old fashioned in that when I like someone I like to hear from them at least once a day. She said she doesn't mind this and interestingly since she's been away and I've given her some space she's been sending me photos throughout the day and giving me updates without me asking. 

Thanks for clarifying. I didn't get the impression you were "bombarding her with texts" either.

It seems to me like you two are doing pretty well. All you can do is see how things go when she returns and if she suggests getting together. 

1 minute ago, rainbowsandroses said:

Please don't be that chump that disrespects her request and continues bombarding her with texts.  

I didn't get the impression he's "bombarding" her with texts. I wouldn't consider one good morning and one goodnight text per day to be a bombardment.

But perhaps, James, you have been texting her all day every day? If so, then absolutely dial that back. You two are not in a committed relationship. Although if you were, all day every day texting would still be too much for me (although some couples just love doing that!)

20 hours ago, Seraphim said:

I guess he doesn’t realize citrus fruits are very high in sugar. 

His diet is what people used to think was "healthy" back in the 1960s and 1970s. Meat, meat and more meat. Fruit is something you eat only when someone forces you. His ideal meal is a huge slab of meat covered in cheese and sour cream accompanied by rice, tortillas and store bought canned green beans. First course is an iceberg lettuce salad covered in croutons and a quart of bleu cheese dressing. He does drink a lot of water and he exercises regularly so I'll give him that.

Today my skip level manager took the new hire around to meet everyone. I'm sure he noticed my revulsion when he shook my hand. I wish that practice could be completely abolished. It's just gross. 

Is this the same guy, who you made your "final decision" about a couple weeks ago?

I wouldn't call it a "rejection". More like, he doesn't seem to feel the same way. 

I think he was thinking about orange juice. But he just got so agitated! Like, he thought I was being deliberately obtuse when the fact is what he was saying made no sense. I have noticed he has been forgetting a lot of things lately. We had talked for over two weeks about taking our cousin out to lunch on Sunday but suddenly on Friday he messaged me to ask what day we were going. He and I had also had a long phone conversation about how I got a credit on my electric bill. Two days later he sent me a text saying "Look, they are giving credits on electric bills. Here's a link in case you want to find out more." Both times I reminded him we had talked about those things already and he acted like he didn't remember. This has been going on for a couple of years. But he hates doctors and gets angry if I even suggest he see a doctor. 

6 hours ago, Der4546 said:

I’m thinking about inviting my teacher to my funeral.

I would like to encourage you to do this, because it will alert your teacher of how very serious your suicidal ideation is.

6 hours ago, Der4546 said:

I know it will hurt my family

It would devastate your family. There would be no recovery from their grief, feelings of guilt, despair, etc. If you feel bad about yourself, imagine how much worse it would be for your family if you harmed yourself. Please don't put them through that 

There are people who love you. Please tell them how you're feeling. Allow them to love and care for you. 

My brother and I love each other but like a lot of family we also drive one another nuts. 

Conversation yesterday at the restaurant:

Me: This iced tea is so strong, but my options are limited when I can't have sugar. 

Brother: How about lemonade?

Me: Lemonade has sugar.

Brother: What about fresh squeezed lemonade?

Me: That still has sugar.

Brother: (raises voice) I mean FRESH SQUEEZED lemonade.

Me: It still has sugar.

Brother: (now almost shouting)I said FRESH SQUEEZED. They squeeze the lemons right in front of you!

Me: That still has sugar.

Brother: (still almost shouting) NEVER MIND ABOUT THE SUGAR! I mean, they just squeeze the lemons and give it to you!

Me: That wouldn't be lemonade. That would be lemon juice and no one wants to drink plain lemon juice. 

(BTW, fresh lemons were not even available at this restaurant. That would be weird.)

Brother: Oh...

As the old saying goes, Oh Brother!

I'm glad you're OK. That had to be very unnerving.

21 minutes ago, Lexismith said:

Oh yes I’m done for sure. 

So why do you care if he's "silent"?

On 4/9/2024 at 5:21 AM, Alex39 said:

So my mom and I compromised. I realized I was being too rigid and difficult. I decided to make all desserts that we could all eat, including his girlfriend. I was bring too harsh.  I think my mom realized that it was hard to cater every dish to everyone, so we did our best to make things for everyone. 

In the end, I think my mom saw some truth to what I was saying originally. I slaved away buying expensive special ingredients so that my brothers girlfriend could eat all the desserts. The desserts I had to make were way more time consuming and difficult. 

His girlfriend didn't even eat them the day of. My mom let her know that we specifically made them so she could have them. She didn't eat them. 

I turned to my mom and was like- next time I'm making whatever the heck I want, whether she can eat them or not...I don't think this girl cared at all. I tried to tell my mom this prior... 

This is what you wrote originally. Now you're blaming your mom? Oh boy...

You're changing your story, Alex. I quoted what you wrote originally and bolded the statements that directly contradict your latest posts. 

I presume you'll hide this thread as per usual. But please don't tell us you didn't write what we all saw. 

At any rate, it is the same old story. You're trying to do what you think your mom wants, and you're resentful of others who have what you want for yourself. I think that's so sad... you're not living your life for you, and you're wasting so much time being unhappy, envious and frustrated. That's no way for a young woman to live. 

How about you do what Alex wants? How about you forget about trying to get Mom to praise you and just do what makes you happy? And how about leaving behind the envy and resentment and go about figuring out how to get the things you want out of life?