boltnrun

She'll be nice long enough to ensure you're hooked. So, probably a few hours. Then once you agree to give her "another chance" she'll go right back to berating you and making accusations and name calling. 

You've seen this movie before. Many times. It's up to you if you want to put yourself through this another dozen times. 

28 minutes ago, Bodybuilder_Jay said:

It's just insecurity is all, I guess.  She's definitely the brains of the pair of us.  So, if I'm not bringing the body, what good am I?

I get that that's pretty stupid, and not really how relationships work (or even how humans work), but sometimes you let the little negative voice in the  back of your mind get too loud, you know?

Remember, she didn't say that. You did.

You can completely sabotage this promising relationship by punishing her for your insecurities. Or you can figure out how to get a grip and enjoy what you have. 

Which option sounds better?

Also want to add, the usual "fixes" for digestive issues don't work for me. Probiotics, fiber pills, laxatives don't work. And I already drink a lot of water. Also don't drink sodas or coffee. 

So today is a "nay" day. Detailed health issue description to follow. You are warned!

I have a medical condition that affects my digestive system. It causes extreme swings between diarrhea and constipation. If I'm lucky I get a week or two when things move along normally. I was unable to "go" on Tuesday and Wednesday. This is very dangerous for me. So I took some stool softeners which proved ineffective. Finally late yesterday evening I was able to go a little bit but definitely didn't get it all out. So I decided to work from home today as I didn't want to either struggle to go or unload at work. With the increase in people working in the office we went from three women on our floor to about 12 so I almost never have the bathroom to myself, which makes having explosive diarrhea very embarrassing. Anyway, in addition to being stopped up I couldn't sleep last night so I'm exhausted. Fortunately I "went" this morning, but I'm still horribly tired. Ugh.

When I did get a couple of hours of sleep I had the weirdest dreams. The first one was a horror dream about being in a driveway when someone was backing a large trailer in and they didn't see me. So I had to leap into some bushes to avoid getting crushed. Doesn't sound scary but it was. The other dream was about my teeth. I have a lot of trouble with my teeth, all self-inflicted. I had dental insurance for years but never used it and I ate Mentos chewy candies every day for years. Totally destroyed my teeth. I've had multiple extractions and will need a bridge at some point (implants are far beyond my budget and insurance doesn't cover them). So in this dream I had several teeth that were loose and about to fall out so I just pulled them. The only good part of the dream is my mom was there and she was telling me to stop pulling my teeth out. Also a very weird dream. So the few hours I got were not restful. So today is not a good day. But it's not the worst either.

I may need to pick a different place to vacation next week. I was planning to go up to the mountains but it's supposed to be only 55 degrees. I don't really want to be walking around the village in cold weather. I'll decide early in the week if I need to change it to another location. But definitely want to do a trip. 

Also keep in mind true narcissists don't want help, they want sycophants. They want admirers. They want servants. 

Also, if I truly have strong feelings for my partner and am truly in love it wouldn't matter if fifty exes came sniffing around or sent messages. I would ignore and delete the messages or send one back saying "Not interested". Yes, that has happened (not fifty exes lol, just one). I told him I wasn't interested. I didn't meet with him and then tell my current boyfriend that I still had feelings for my ex and that my feelings for him weren't as strong as my feelings for my ex. I said no thanks and deleted the message. (Oh wait, I showed the message to my current boyfriend because I was being transparent. And I sent the "not interested" message in front of my boyfriend and deleted my ex's message in front of him.) 

Someone truly in love can't be swayed by an ex. Or anyone, for that matter.

You shouldn't have to convince someone to be in a relationship with you. They are either 100% in or they're out. 

1 minute ago, Inlove said:

Thanks, I guess the difference is that we both feel super strong about each other, she admitted that had he not messaged (and she actually feels a bit of anger to him for that) then we would not be in this situation (i.e. all else was fine)

But he did message and she does want to see him. And she's apparently convinced there are still feelings, AND she said she doesn't feel as strongly for you as she did for him.

I did the "consolation prize/second choice" relationship thing and it really sucks. 

You can go ahead and try to force this to work or have a "talk" with her, trying to convince her to love you enough. I just think it's not going to go the way you're hoping, not because I'm a pessimist or because of my experience but because of what you told us about the situation. 

11 hours ago, sunday_luthier said:

Wow, I had not thought of that... I admit I dread the small practical matters we still have to address (there's some stuff of mine still at her house, we had a vacation planned together this summer for which we had paid a deposit...). 

I should get these matters done with quickly, I guess... 

What "stuff"? Are they things you just cannot function without (work laptop, bank book) or things you can do without or can easily replace (shirt, hairbrush)? If it's something innocuous but you insist you must have it back, you are searching for an excuse to see her again.

As for the vacation deposit, is it absolutely non-refundable? If you'll only lose $50 or something it's worth just cancelling. Unless, again, you're already missing the fantastic sex in between being screamed at and called names. 

"I guess"? You seem reluctant. Are you?

1 minute ago, kim42 said:

Thank you, I agree it's better to be direct than dropping hints. I think I was hesitant to be direct because we've seen each other only once. I'm also not very good in organizing group outings so it didn't even cross my mind. 

You can make it a goal to be more social. It's fairly easy to send out a group message that says "Hey everyone, how does meeting at Wine Bar next week sound? Anyone in?"

And don't be discouraged if you don't get any takers at first. Socializing, like anything else, takes practice. 

Yeah, I made the bad decision to remain in a relationship with someone who I knew was still in love with his ex. She was never really out of his life. He bounced between the two of us for years. I should have walked at the two month mark but I didn't. Super bad choice. The entire relationship was fraught with fear and anxiety. I couldn't even sleep. He ended up leaving me for someone he DID have strong feelings for (not his ex) because he'd never felt that way about me despite him having some degree of feelings for me. It wasn't enough and he wanted that strong connection. No amount of "talking" could make him love me the way he loved her.

Don't be me. 

7 hours ago, kim42 said:

That's interesting, I thought that in this context, that we both said we like the same type of wine, and then I mentioned the bar, it was obvious that I was hinting at going to that bar with him.

I find it's much more effective to be direct rather than relying on someone to pick up on "hints". It might have had different results if you'd said something like "I love that wine! There this great wine bar that serves it. Maybe we can get a few people together and go there sometime." Sure, he might have replied with something vague like "Sure, we should do that sometime" but then you could have said "Let me check with a few people and get back to you."

However, it's fine the way it is. He knows how to get in touch with you. You never know what could happen next. 

21 minutes ago, NoNameHere said:

I'm not really into causing severe physical harm, if that's what you mean. The most violence I use during my fantasies is just to subdue them. But they are usually still begging me to stop and showing clear signs of not wanting sex.

Maybe you can continue the fantasy beyond viciously attacking the woman. Imagine her sobbing afterward, bleeding and bruised. Then imagine getting arrested, tried and convicted. Fantasize about being sent to prison and having a very large man as your "celly" who doesn't like men who attack women. Also imagine your face being splashed all over the local news. Imagine your family being humiliated and ashamed.

Maybe that would kill your fantasies. 

I agree, schedule an appointment with a therapist who specializes in violent fetishes. They can help you overcome these fantasies. 

You have a very clear picture of who she is, but you seem to have a much less clear picture of who you are and why you choose to be abused. You are not isolated or financially dependent on her, so there's absolutely no reason you need to stay in this relationship. You are choosing this. 

She won't change because she doesn't need to. She treats you like garbage and you go back for more, washing her car and essentially begging her to love you and be nice to you. What about that would she ever need to change? She has it all, while you have...what, exactly? 

As others have said, this is key. It's not to be brushed off with "I don't want to give up so easily" when you already have tried multiple times. It's vital to figure out why you are deliberately doing this to yourself. 

Do your fantasies involve the women being terrified, frightened, horrified, crying and begging for you to stop while you violently and painfully violate them? Or is it more just a slightly rough, fast act?

15 minutes ago, Absy said:

To express my feelings honestly and respectfully, while also seeking closure and understanding about what went wrong in our relationship. I want her to know that I cared about her deeply and that I'm willing to take responsibility for any mistakes I may have made. Ultimately, I'm hoping to find peace of mind and closure for myself, regardless of the outcome.

You never met her, so you were never in a relationship. She was an online entity who repeatedly refused to meet you in person.

Has she asked to talk to you for "closure" and to explain why she refused to meet you?

Look, I get that you became very invested in this situation, but it had zero chance of ever being anything other than an online chat buddy. And that was her choice. 

She'll be back. Can you resist her?

I tried living in a busy neighborhood. I lived smack in the middle of downtown directly off one of the major streets in my city. And I had to move away because it was so noisy it was nearly impossible to participate in Teams calls. I had to keep saying "sorry, another siren, sorry, someone's burning rubber, sorry, there's people outside my window having a loud conversation". Here it's quiet and peaceful yet still within walking distance to almost everything I want. If I want to go downtown I just drive there. 

12 minutes ago, Bodybuilder_Jay said:

Not offensive, especially with the thread topic.  No I don't take supplements other than vitamins, etc.

I'm sure you understand why I asked.

You may be surprised that some women dislike outsized penises. I personally know a man whose girlfriend broke up with him because his penis was large and it caused her pain and discomfort. 

Please let me know if you find this question offensive. But are you or have you taken any supplements to enhance your physique?

And what's even better is, although there are lots of things nearby the neighborhood is still very quiet. And very clean. The streets are wide and filled mostly with gorgeous early 1900s era single family homes on large lots. My apartment used to be a single family home with servants quarters. My apartment used to be the servant's quarters! They divided them into four studio apartments and the large owners home is now one big single family home with a small apartment wedged into one corner of it. The grounds are lovely. And when I go on walks I can choose to walk among the vintage homes or along he Beach or to the cute shopping and dining district. It's just great.

Is your city location quiet or is it a more bustling, active neighborhood?

I've sacrificed space to live in an absolutely amazing neighborhood. My apartment is postage stamp sized but the location! My brother was out here a couple of weeks ago and I was driving through on the way to pick up our cousin and he was exclaiming about all the neat little shops and cafes and how close I am to the beach. He said "You could eat at a different cafe every day for a month! And you could walk to all of them!" And I said "Yep, and that's why I put up with living in this tiny little apartment." Sure, I would like more space and I'd like to have a designated parking space and I would REALLY like to get a cat, but I don't want to give up this location. Maybe something will come available that has parking and allows pets but for now I'm content. 

7 minutes ago, AndyPandy said:

I look forward to sharing a nice update on that subject in due course. 🙂

I'm sure you will.

I am glad to know that most people aren't like your ex's mother or that man I dated. My ex husband's family welcomed me with open arms. They actually celebrated my ethnicity and thought it was awesome that they would have the opportunity to learn more about my culture. Really neat people. I probably felt worse about losing them as family than I did about my husband and I splitting, TBH. 

I also disagree with the concept of "implied consent". Just because two people are married or in a relationship doesn't mean either of the parties has the right to engage in sexual activity with the other person at any and all times. That concept is what many men use when accused of marital rape. They claim such a thing can't exist because they have the "right" to sex with their wives any time they want it. That's just not true, legally OR morally. And that's why I respected my ex's wishes when he asked me to not touch him while he was sleeping. So what if we were naked in the same bed and in a long-ish relationship. He still had rights. 

I'm sorry that man did that to you. I'm also sorry you're experiencing trauma as a result. Would you consider talking to a therapist?

12 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

I didn't see where she asked him and she physically turned away - but if she asked him yes of course.

She was not reciprocating, she turned away and tried to indicate with her body language that what he was doing was unwelcome. So she apparently didn't flat out say "No, stop it!" But if I'm attempting sexual activity and the man is turned away and not responding positively I certainly wouldn't continue. 

Once you asked him to stop, anything he attempted to do sexually after that was wrong, to say the least. Very wrong. And I don't care if you were nude or invited him to stay over or whatever. You asked him to stop and he ignored your request. 

I was in a relationship with a man for a couple of years. I am a very highly sexually charged person, so I would do things to him while he was asleep (of course we slept together nude). One morning he calmly asked me to stop doing that. He explained that he just wanted to be left alone when he was sleeping. Now, I love to be woken up with sexual activity but he didn't like it. So I respected his request and never again attempted to do sexual things to him while he slept. I cared about him and would not have ignored his request no matter how turned on I was.