boltnrun

Why does it have to be negative?

I would hope someone who claims to love me would support my efforts to improve my health. If I started bike riding to get more physically fit would that be a "threat" to the relationship? What if I decided to eat more fruits and vegetables? What if I joined a walking group (that my partner doesn't care to join) and some of the participants are, God forbid, men? What if a couple of the men are attractive, would I be expected to quit the group to appease my partner? If my partner views me getting emotionally, mentally and/or physically healthy as a "threat" to our relationship they'll likely not be my partner for much longer.

The presumption seems to be the OP is seeing the therapist for "relationship issues". But what if he's not? What if the things he's trying to work out have nothing to do with his feelings about his relationship or about his girlfriend but are personal issues that could negatively affect his professional life, his interpersonal interactions or his love relationships? Not everyone who's partnered is seeing a therapist for relationship issues. My mental health issues have zero to do with my love relationships. I am working through childhood traumas that affect all facets of my life. If my partner demanded I stop therapy or insisted on me seeing a certain gender therapist I would wonder if they truly wanted me to be well.

So who unpacks immediately after they return from a trip? 🙋‍♀️ And who lets the suitcase or bag sit for a week? Or more? Or even leaves it in the car for days? I dislike disorder or clutter or things out of place.

That was her goal. She'll flip flop between tactics searching for whatever one gets her what she wants...you remaining as her sycophant, her admirer and her servant. You don't need the house key. You can add an additional lock or change the locks completely. And don't be surprised if she does show up at the Air BnB. She knows the location and the dates. If she wants you back as her plaything she'll do whatever it takes to make that happen.

Or she doesn't have to pick at all! She is wholly confident she has you firmly in her back pocket. So she can see the other man as often as she wants and have you around whenever he's not available or she wants attention from someone different (you). Win-win for her. For you? Not so much.

I didn't suggest or recommend you "pretend everything's fine" during a first meet. That's an interesting interpretation of what I wrote, though!

Maybe going forward you can sit on your decisions for a few days before acting in the immediate and then reversing yourself. An option could have been to explain to this man that you would like to take a day or two and get back to him regarding any future dates. Explain that's how you prefer to do things because you have a tendency toward knee jerk reactions that you end up regretting or rethinking. He was gracious enough to set aside what you'd said to him that first day and ask for another chance. Giving people that same grace could be more effective. And better for you.

Ask yourself why she feels so threatened by this therapist. Is it out of concern for you? Or for herself?

She is homebound. That's why I asked about her social worker. They are trained in many facets of the community they serve.

Once she and her ex are officially back together there will be no more cuddly TV nights. At least not with you. You would have to be completely fine with going over and sitting across the room while her current man is holding and cuddling her. So, I wonder if he knows she's still having you over to give her attention and affection. Is he also willing to share her?

Last time I was up here in the mountains it was just after my cousin died and I was angry and confused and grieving. This place helped me. It feels good to be back. And I will definitely come back as soon as I can.

Do you think that perhaps, despite your initial defensiveness on your other thread, maybe you are considering adjusting your mindset regarding how someone chooses to dress versus their character or compatibility? You were extremely turned off, saying he appeared "unhoused" and almost seemed offended by his choice of attire. What is making you rethink? Do these threads help you think out loud so to speak?

Do you have a social worker assigned to your case?

So basically if you do things her way there's harmony and if you dare to do something without getting her advance approval you hear about it from her. So you're willing to sacrifice your own health in order to appease her. I understand you're young, so let us old folks give you a bit of insight...when you keep giving in so your girlfriend doesn't get angry with you two things will happen: she will keep pushing until you no longer make ANY decisions yourself, and you will completely lose yourself, so much so that if the relationship ever ended you'll feel like your life has no meaning because you won't know who you are without her. And that's unhealthy. You'll end up in a "Yes, Dear" marriage. Which is fine if you don't care about having your own voice but I can tell you it'll get really tiresome really fast.

Maybe she will be forced to find different ways to fill her time. Which is good. Relying solely on you for her interactions isn't good for either of you. Does she enjoy reading? Any kind of crafts or sewing? Puzzles?

I am strong and independent and don't "need" a man and I am not a "radical feminist ". I love men, find them fascinating and interesting and of course attractive, but I don't "need" a man. I've had relationships with men because I wanted to, not out of need. I'm not currently looking for a relationship because my mental health needs work and I'm not going to drag some poor innocent man into my issues. But someday it would be nice to meet a good man and have a relationship. And some sex. I really miss sex...

She shouldn't decide those things for you ANY of the time. Does she think you're incapable of making decisions for yourself? The "bad" is very bad. Healthy relationships don't include any of what you wrote. What do you plan to say to her during your talk?

You're not required to date everyone. He wasn't right for you. That's all you need to know. However, as for the topic itself it's the reverse for me. When I feel good I think I look better. That's likely because I have had some life threatening health issues. I know I look awful when I'm battling a critical illness. For example, twice my weight went under 100 pounds. I looked sickly. Because I WAS sickly. I certainly didn't feel up to getting dolled up. Some might argue if I had put in the effort to fix my hair and put on makeup and put on a stylish outfit I would have felt better. But when you're battling potential sepsis you aren't going to feel or get better by putting on a fancy dress or some eyeliner. Now that my health is better I guess I place less importance on clothing and makeup because I know those things are (to me, and I emphasize to me) are superficial. Clean, neat, presentable and appropriate to the situation or environment. I'd rather be wearing joggers and feeling relatively well than be in a pricey or stylish outfit but feeling lousy. Sure, it doesn't have to be an either/or but my priorities have been adjusted. The last few men I dated seldom dressed up. They were clean but they usually wore shorts or jeans and a T-shirt. My toxic ex was slovenly but he has issues, to say the least. But he was an outlier.

Are you confident this will work out? Being in a continual state of annoyance and/or irritation isn't healthy, mentally or physically. Sometimes when we're in a situation we can't change the only thing we can do is change how it affects us or how we react. I hope you're able to get to a place where you aren't irritated or annoyed any longer if this living situation is permanent.

Your girlfriend hates your therapist because she fears losing control over you. She is used to dictating where you go, what you do, who you see, where you sleep and even how you dress. She wants to continue to have complete control over you. She doesn't want you thinking for yourself. How she's acting now is how she'll be for the rest of your life if you marry her. How does that make you feel?

I'm unable to sleep with anything on my face, head or ears. I'm glad you're able to. Hope it works.

People have been assuming he was dirty, hadn't bathed and smelled bad. I'm just trying to determine if that was true. Despite me frequently choosing casual clothing I am always bathed and I make sure I don't smell. I am clean and neat even when wearing joggers and a hoodie. Can you confirm if he actually was dirty and smelly? Or if he just hadn't bothered to make himself look like a man going on a first meet? For the record, if I had gone to a high end restaurant last night I wouldn't have worn joggers and a hoodie. I would have dressed to the atmosphere of the restaurant. But I was at a sports bar, so I wore "sporty" attire!

I've worn ill fitting and even stained clothing when I am clean. I just threw something on to water my plants or run to the store. I've even gone out in less than fashionable clothing. I am currently sitting in a bar in a resort town in joggers, a graphic tee and a zip up hoodie. No makeup.

People have translated his sloppy attire into he was un-bathed and smelly. Was he?