Is it possible to mend a broken relationship?

I fell in love with a woman under the most difficult of circumstances. First, we are both professionals with busy schedules and stressful lives. Second, we were both involved with someone else at the time. Finally, we both had undergone traumatic experiences which made us question the "meaning of life." I think we both felt something was missing in each of our lives and in our current relationships, and through this, we bonded. We connected on a level far and above what I thought was possible, and for awhile it was a joyous time finding someone who understood, simply one of the best times of my life.

However, after a few months, she decided that we couldn't go on like we were. I guess she felt guilty seeing me while still "committed" to her current beau, and she began to feel like the "other woman" with respect to me. The sad thing is that she cut it off before we could fully explore what we meant to each other, at least that is how I felt. I did not question her motives or morality at the time. I guess what we were doing was morally wrong if we were truly "committed" to our other relationships. Now looking back, I guess it was doomed from the start, but what can you do when your heart explodes with love?

We tried to remain friends, but the jealousies and misunderstandings invariably came in the way. I felt that she started to ignore me (I still don't know if she was or wasn't), spending more time with other men as "friends." She would laugh heartily at their jokes and not at mine, and I felt betrayed. Of course, my hurt probably clouded my perception, but there were incidents where she could have been more sensitive to the situation and to my feelings. For example, she would not let me carry her bags, but let other men do it. She used to love the music I compiled for her, but then started borrowing other men's music. She started seeking other men's counsel and spent more time working on projects with them at work. Was this innocent? Was this my imagination? I truly don't know, but I hurt at the changed circumstances between us, and I felt like what we had was nothing more than a fling to her.

After awhile, I started to doubt her, accuse her of heartlessness and insensitivity. The arguments became more frequent. Each time we thought we had the problems fixed, new ones arose. I hurt so badly, that at one point, I think I tried to hurt myself (don't want to get into the details). She started to resent my misunderstandings. She started to get sick and tired of my insecurities. Finally, it came to the point where she no longer cares. She is a very strong woman, tough, someone who can hold her own and dish it out as much as she can take. But she told me that no one on Earth had hurt her as much as I did. Funny, I guess I could say the same about how she has made me feel. This is where we are at.

As pathetic as it sounds, I still love her and probably always will, to my dying breath. No matter how many times I get hurt, I still feel that we can be friends and probably close friends, friends that have gone through battles with each other and survived. But she wants nothing of it, and that hurts. The possibility of that truly breaks my heart.

I've read enough advice columns to know what the general wisdom is, that once a woman's heart turns, there is no turning it back. Against all hope, I believe that there are always exceptions to the rule. But I don't know what method would work the best. I truly love her and feel the emptiness in my life without her warmth and affection, but what is there to do? Is it right to even try?

More importantly, I am wondering how to carry on if it comes to pass that I can't even be friends with her anymore? If she has decided that she hates me now. Is it better to believe that I was duped and hate her? Is it better to believe that I was naive and she was a maneater? Am I being stupid and pathetic to still love her, to still care? These questions, I would never have asked of myself months ago, and I would have said "how pathetic" if I heard that from someone else. But here I am asking these questions. I am seeking some advice to get my life on track.

What am I to do?

Advice that you need to hear but don't desire to hear...

Firstly, welcome to this forum and I hope that we can be of help to you.

From the story that you detailed it seems that indeed that she did care for you. That is why the change in the basic actions around her. The helping her, talking to you about personal things and other things you mentioned. She did that because she cared enough not to lead you on and to allow you to get closer.

Is it right?

No.

But perhaps for her, at the time, it was a good move.

The best move for you to take is to move on in your life. You may love her and are wondering if she had some sinister motive behind all of this.

You will never know unless she one day comes to you and tells you. The best way to deal with this is to let her have her peace.

Committ to rebuilding the strengh back in your life and refocusing on your current demands and happiness. Spend more time with your friends and/or family. Take a break from dating and pick up a new or temporary hobby. But don't fall back into chasing after her or trying to mend your broken relationship.

Sometimes a Ex-mate needs to see you happy and moved on before they wonder if they made a mistake.

Be strong, you can do it, stay focused, don't let this pass love control your life. It won't be easy, but you will get through this.

Accept the end of the relationship, and accept that you may never have explanation of why it ended.

But keep your head up, smile, and keeping moving forward.

I'm sure things will work out for you.

Good luck to you.

It is so hard to tell when a relationship isn't working for the other person. They often won't tell so that they don't have to be the one to break up.

Trust in yourself to make the right choices.

From the responses I've heard thus far, I can tell that the solution is to move forward. Of course, this is easier said than done. This relationship thing, it's tougher than it looks. I used to think that love was enough, but I guess that only happens in the movies and in books. These romantic notions of love are merely the embodiment of society's hopes and desires about human relationships, but more often than not, do not mimick reality. Reality is much more complicated and untidy.

I believe that many years from now, I will end up remembering only the good things that this relationship brought, the joy, the excitement, the happiness. The bad things, I hope will fade and turn into wisdom. As my moniker says, I am always hopeful.

I used to think that good things happened to good people. But that is not always true is it? There are good people, bad people, and everything in between, and good and bad things happen in all combinations to all different types of people. It's easy enough to understand, but tough to go through and experience.

She is a good person. I am a good person. But we are not good together.

Thank you for your responses. I will continue to check this post to see what words of wisdom others can provide for me. If I can be of assistance to others, please post here as well.

Yes, just as u said its easier to say than do. Im in the exact situation here. I think that trying to be friends just prolongs the pain that is coming to you. I tried that and it bit me in the ass. She said "yes" lets be friends and then I saw her with another man and felt devastated. I dont want to see her now I feel so bad that she has moved on and im still here "being her friend" She felt bad as well i know, but she didnt say anything and that kept me around her, abviolusly a big mistake. Dont go out there being her friend that will make u suffer. Move on and good luck.

It is difficult, very difficult, to move on. It hurts a great deal sometimes, and she is not a forgiving person. I did love her you know.

She's leaving. Turns out that she will be going overseas, probably permanently, so I may never see her again after a few months.

I don't really know what to do. Should I just meet with her again, have dinner, talk about life and say "so long" no matter how uncomfortable that may be for both of us (she may not accept an invitation, come to think of it)? Or should I just let her leave, give her a smile, and move on?

The pain is still there, and I long for some sort of peace. So I want to make peace. But I think she still harbors anger, and for me at least, she is a bit unapproachable now. But even then, once she goes, she will be gone forever, and I can't help but be saddened by how beautiful things were with her and how it may all end. And, above all else, I miss her already.

We were not, are not, good for each other, but for me at least, she was a bright light in my life. There was so much joy and hope and happiness in this otherwise miserable world in that brief moment in time when we were in love. It was a moment in time that I will never forget. It's hard to let that go so completely and permanently.

Well I asked her whether she wanted to have some coffee. She was talking to a friend of mine at the time. I guess she was telling him what her plans were when she left, those things that she would have told me in the past. When I knocked, and she saw that it was me, there was such a look of disgust and disappointment, I almost cringed. But she did what she has always been good at, hiding her true feelings. She recognized that she couldn't express her disgust in front of my friend. You see, I don't think most of my friends understand how cold and cruel and contemptuous she has been to me in the past few months because on the face of things, everything looks normal to them. But she is a great actress, and it is only when I am alone with her that she unleashes her true self. I finally realized that she is not a special person. I misread her. She is quite an ugly, cruel, cold, calculating and unforgiving person.

Those thoughts were confirmed when I asked her whether she would like to get a cup of coffee later in the day. I thought, because of the passage of some time, we could just have a brief talk, nothing heavy, just conversation. She said yes, and I thought "well that's a good sign, may be we can at least put our animosity and anger to bed and move on." Well, I called her later that day to finalize the time. She then said no. She said there was nothing she wanted to say to me. There was nothing that could be salvaged. There was no reason to go. She said she wasn't angry, she just didn't care. I told her, well I just wanted to open up my door to friendship, that once she left, there really was no turning back. At least, leave each other forever with some peace of mind. She flatly refused. She said she never wanted to have my friendship. I told her never is a long time you know. She didn't care.

Of course, she was saying this in the cruelest tone of voice, as if a blood vessel was about to burst in her head, yet she claims she wasn't angry and that there was no anger. She sounded like the angriest non-angry person I have ever heard. It would have been comical if it weren't so sad, so pathetic, so depressing. I realized she said "yes" to coffee earlier in the day when I first asked her because she didn't want to sound unfriendly or cruel when my friend might still be close enough to hear her cruelty and selfishness. Once she knew my friend was not around, later in the day, her true self came out. She said no thanks, and in the cruelest of ways. This is what killed our relationship. As succinctly as I can say it, I realized that she is a fake. She could not commit, she could not go through. She could not keep her word. She could not be true. She manipulated. She cajoled. She lied. She used me and when she didn't need me anymore, she threw me away. I hope one day the world will recognize her shallowness and her insenserity.

They say to err is to be human, and to forgive devine. Although she claims to be a devoutly religious person, she is far, far, far from devine. I don't think anyone should take for granted someone's offer for reconciliation, friendship and healing. There is so little of it going around this world. She has refused it, and so, I can no longer hope for her happiness. I realized now that her actions will lead to a long life of conflict, anger, coldness and complication for her. I cannot hope against that which is inevitable, she will be unhappy, and she will lead others to be unhappy. This is because, I realized that she is a supremely unhappy person who cannot distinguish between the fake smile she puts on and true happiness. She wouldn't know happiness, honesty, forgiveness if it hit her in the face. She searches for something from a multitude of people, wants it all from them, but can't handle it if that person decides to assert themselves and ask for reciprocation. I hope she receives one-tenth the pain I have, for that is far more than I think she can handle. I only hope that she does not destroy the lives of some other innocent person when that pain does hit her. She will be feared, not loved. And the sad thing is, she may never know the difference.

Yes, just as u said its easier to say than do. Im in the exact situation here. I think that trying to be friends just prolongs the pain that is coming to you. I tried that and it bit me in the ass. She said "yes" lets be friends and then I saw her with another man and felt devastated. I dont want to see her now I feel so bad that she has moved on and im still here "being her friend" She felt bad as well i know, but she didnt say anything and that kept me around her, abviolusly a big mistake. Dont go out there being her friend that will make u suffer. Move on and good luck.

That makes 3 of us. She asked to be friends for a period and then I discovered she had someone else all the time. Man up, focus on friends and career, the right person will come

Thread is 11 years old and the OP hasn't been back in 8 years. Thread closed.