Divorce or not?

I'm 39 years old and married for 18 years, with no children. I probably married too young without really knowing the person I was marrying. I've become unhappy in my marriage. My friends tell me to see a marriage counselor, but I really don't have any interest in fixing things. Over the past few years I've determined that I'm really not "in love" with my wife anymore. I don't even regard her as my best friend. Everything she says and does irritates me, but I don't say anything. I find myself avoiding her, and of course that makes her angry. We don't fight a lot, but when we do it gets ugly. I just don't see any point to continuing. Most of the time I'm "faking" our relationship…faking like I care, faking like I'm interested, etc. Obviously our sex life is non-existent and rather unromantic when anything does happen. I think its been about two months. We really have grown apart over the years. We don't have similar interests so often we don't do anything fun. We've become distanced from our friends as a result. When I start to tell my wife some of how I feel, she just gets mad and defensive and runs off or starts yelling "if you don't like it here, then leave."

I can't imagine going through this charade for the rest of my life. Problem is, she has become very dependent on me financially and probably emotionally. I think leaving her will devastate her, even though, if she were honest, she'd say she also isn't very happy.

Am I wrong to want to break this off and seek a more satisfying relationship…someone I really connect with? Honestly, if I were to stay married I could see myself getting in to affairs. I've had opportunities before that I didn't pursue. If that's my mindset, isn't a divorce best for all concerned. My mind seems so clear on this, yet actually going through with it seems impossible….such a big step. Is this normal? I'm soooo confused.

It appears that you are quite the thinking person and that you care about your situation including your wife.

A rare thing indeed.

Since you would like to make the right decision. It would only be fair and wise for both of you to seek out a counsler. This could help you figure out what is really bothering you. It may also help your wife cope better with this whole situation.

Seek out a counsler and make the right decision.

Good luck to you.

whoa, thats a really bad situation to be in, and i was there a few years ago myself. I was at the tail end of my marriage and things had gotten so bad that...i didnt ask him to sleep on the couch, i slept on the couch and just made it my bed for the last 2 or so years of our marriage, with us having sex less than 10 times in the last few years of marriage,...and on top of that, since we parted ways,...ive been cellibate ever since which has been since 1997.

I was in your exact shoes, and my X was dependent on me (a woman). He litereally could not make decisions, fix things around the house or do anything in the yard, i did it all. I even worked and he stayed at home..it was driving me totally nuts to live with an irrresponsible and dependent man,...and i got to the point that i couldnt stand for him to touch me in a sexual way. It was in my best interest to get out of the relationship, and it made it much easier 4 me when he lost my trust and respect as he got "fresh" with my niece and daughter...he had to leave.

councelling is good 4 those that have hope. We tried to work it out after a brief seperation, but it only worsened and winded up divorcing after all. Some ppl can not relate to how it feels to be in this situation and suggest councelling, but once its over,..there mght be hope..but i had no desire to remain married to this man or have him in my life., it was unhealthy to the point that if i had to remain with him...i would have winded up committing suicide...it was VERY depressing. He said he couldnt live without me, and would commit suicide, and i reeally tried...but oh well...he is still living ...and has a woman, while im still single...

So, I totally understand ur perspective from a certain point of view, however I do suggest that you really think things through, because the way i viewed it...i want to live the rest of my life being happy with someone that i can connect with in many ways, versus being miserable with somebody that i dont connect with any longer, and dont touch physically. I missed being physical while being married, but i simply couldnt stand 4 him to touch me, so id rather do without...and never once cheated altho the opportuinties are there always. Since that is not a part of who i am, and altho i wasnt in love with my spouse, i chose to do the right thing still and remain faithful to the institution of marraige, NOT him. I stayed with him because i felt sory for him, but i was dying inside...

I wish u the best in ur situation. There is hope weather u decide to stay or leave...as there is happinss to look forward to in life...

cookies

Imagine that you have a vase. Now this vase is of high value, whether it be monetary or sentimental. Now drop this vase on the floor. What happens. It breaks. And no matter how much you "seem" to try, you can't put it back the way it used to be. Because you know what, the vase has changed. It is no longer the same. It has cracks and chips where there used to be smooth perfection. This is your relationship. It is not the same as it used to be and it will never be so again. People fail to realize that as time goes on you change and you experience things that mold you into a new person everyday of your life. But this doesn't have to be a bad thing. Let's go back to the vase (I know its silly, but hey) You can take that same vase to a specialty repair shop and they can fix it. It will resemble the vase of old, with some obvious flaws, but it will be whole again. Think of the specialty repair shop as a counsler. Someone who can take the old and make it new. Another relationship won't make your life more fulfilling. You may be searching for reasons to leave. And when you look for reasons they appear. Imagine that your wife died tomoorow, god forbid. What would you feel. Would you focus on all of the negative, or would you look back and think "why didn't I make the most of our time together". The fact of the matter is that you care more than you think, because a cold hearted person wouldn't even seriously consider the fact that she needs you. You say she says all of these things, but underneath it all you know that she needs you. That it would hurt her for you to be gone from her life. There is still love, I know without knowing. A man who's not in love doesn't ask questions or seek help on the down low. You have. Get to know her again. Speak to her as if it were to first meeting. And even if she acts like a butt hole about things, be the bigger person and walk away. Come back later when she is in a better mood and emotions are low and calmly speak to her about your feelings, while also focusing on the positive aspects of your love. What you do like about her. Ask her questions also so that she doens't feel like its all about you. Struggle to keep a calm steady tone. And as far a sex goes. Don't make love. To be blunt, hit it like when you first met. Her libido is up and those juices are running deep. Do some romance novel stuff. grab her and kiss her. Take it, not literally, but you get my drift. Women love the primitiveness in a man. Happy hunting

Before any problems arise in any marriage it is only after apathy has set in on either or both sides. It is unfair not to let your mate know how you feel, after all she is not a mind reader. When you deal with each issue that both of you have one by one and treat eachother with respect, agree never to raise your voices you will both feel safe to talk about anything without blame. There are no winners or losers in a marriage but a team.

Focus only on the positive as the negative will be taken care of as you begin to bond again, remember the attraction that drew you together, rekindled love is the tenderest love of all because you are already aware of the outcome if you both do not pay attention to eachother. When you peel away the issues and begin to make the effort you will laugh again and you will be thankful you both made the effort, then you can have that happy marriage you both desire, it is not marrying the right person it is being the right person. If for example your mate likes attention, you feel that you are giving this to her but how do you know if your giving the attention the way she feels satisfied. Your mate may not feel satisfied that she is getting attention if you ruffle her hair, you do, but if she lets you know that wrapping your arms around her and maybe kissing her neck, then you know that you are giving her the attention the way she needs it, don't guess, ask, after all your not a mind reader either!

If you decide to leave this marriage, please remember that you are taking 50% of the problem with you, you may find someone else to connect with but sooner or later that 50% is going to raise it's head again.

5% of what's going on in your marriage is from the present, 95% is the baggage we carry from childhood experiences and when your mate hits a nerve it is the child inside that reacts. 80% of divorced people regret that they did not make the effort to solve their problems. If you decide to seek councelling I would suggest that NLP councellor they get to the problem by healing that hurt child inside first, within weeks you will see positive results. I wish you the happy marriage you both deserve xx

First, thanks to all that responded. What a great site. I feel like I'm the only person in the world going through this, yet I get advice from as far away as Glasgow!

To Lightingbird and Laadied: As I said, I don't feel motivated to see a counselor together. That seems telling to me. In my case, Laadied, the vase hasn't been dropped, but its cracked and chipped from age, wear, neglect and abuse. This sounds cold, but I'm thinking its time for a new vase. Now I realize I never really liked that vase anyway. Its weird you asked about what if my wife died. I have this strange fear that, heaven forbid if she did, I wouldn't be truly grief stricken, I wouldn't cry and sob in intense pain the way a spouse should. Again this seems telling. You have to understand, my spouse has for many years been a very detached person. She hasn't been a romantic, touchy/feely, kissy person. There's a word for people like this that I can't seem to remember right now. She's also very neurotic. All the things you said to do to get close to her are things that I would rather avoid doing. She's actually still very attractive and sexy, but I just don't emotionally want to seek her out. I don't know how else to explain it. This really fills like a shell of a marriage, an empty vase. Yet, I see couples all around me who appear to be in similar situations, but they just stay with it. Their not happy, they fight, or live separate lives under one roof, they're not truly happy, yet the concept of divorce, which is probably in the back of their minds, is something they never actually pursue. This feels like lives wasted to me.

To Cookies: Thanks for your insight. Sorry you went through what you did. Your situation was more obvious. He was a deadbeat graduating to a pervert. My wife has many problems (some pretty severe, but I won't air that dirty laundry here), as I'm sure she would say I do as well. The couples counseling just doesn't seem to make sense for me. I'm sure we could go (although we'd fight for weeks for me suggesting it) but I actually think it would make things worse. We'd probably fight about each discussion point. If I don't feel I want to save the marriage, why go through all that pain and aggrevation? I think you understand.

Isn't it possible that sometimes people just need to go their separate ways? That the union shouldn't have happened to begin with or should have ended a long time ago? I'm not catholic or deeply religious so my vows aren't what's holding me in my relationship. If its a lost cause, If I'm not wanting to work at it anymore, what's the point? Oh, and you probably all won't even believe this, but I HAVE worked VERY HARD at keeping my marriage alive until recently. I've been incredibly attentive, respectful and I'm the one who always compromises. I'm the one who always carries the conversations, while she provide one word responses, but then criticizes me because I never talk to her. She complains that we never do anything fun (even though we go to movies, and eat 80% of our meals out) yet when I ask her what she wants to do she replies "I don't know, or I don't care." Sorry...started venting there.

To Ziggy: My wife would fend off all the advances you described. She'd say not now. I'm sorry, but I can't agree with your comment "it is not marrying the right person it is being the right person." You'll all roll your eyes, but I truly believe deep down in my heart I've been the right person all along. I've done all the things your supposed to do and more.

Maybe the part of the problem is we've just gone in different directions. I don't know how you repair that. Plus, and I have been thinking about this a lot, if you don't really like the person your with, meaning you don't like their personality, their style, their interests, how do you "counsel" your way around that. I can't ask her to become a different person.

Sorry for the long post. Does any of this make sense?

the long post is ok...and i totally understand your point..and where you re coming from in everything you said. Its diffcult to remain in a marriage when u dont love that person or anything about them any more, and i could not continue to live a "LIE" just to make others happy around me...what about how i feel? Life is too beautiful to stay with someone when its totally over, and some ppl just can not understand that until they are in your shoes...which some may never get to that point in their lives...

Whatever decision you decide upon..i wish u the best..

cookies

I live in the same house as you except its reversed. I know eactly how you feel and yet he wont let me go. I cannot undertsand why two unhappy people would bother to waste the rest of their lives by staying miserable together. My husband wont even talk about it and when he does he screams and yells. Its better not to say anything cos I cant stand the way he attacks me back and growls at me. My children have now become upset and unhappy. It wont be long before I go. I am just biding my time now.

Good Luck