How do you know when divorce is the direction u should take?

I've been married for 19 years. No kids. To make a long story short, I feel like my wife and I have grown apart. I'm really not sure I love her any longer. Romance left years ago. Now there's not a lot of fun. She also has a drinking problem which really caused me to develop resentment as frequently she drinks, gets angry and takes it out on me..sometimes violently.

To complicate things, I've recently developed very strong feelings for a lady who has been a friend for 12 years. She's also married with 2 kids. She's made it clear, she can't do anything that would affect her kids. We're having sort of a mild affair...no sex yet, but some intimate moments. The more I get to know her, the more wonderful I find her to be and the more dis-satisfied I get with my relationship with my wife.

I'm really not thinking of divorce to be with this other woman. As much as I would like that, I know I can't have her given her situation. And I don't see that changing.

I believe the only thing stopping me from pursuing the divorce immediately is a) I can't imagine the mess D creates (I fear my wife will respond with extreme anger and retaliation (I honestly can envision a "Betty Broderick reaction), and b) I struggle with how to break my wife's financial dependence on me (she hasn't worked outside the home for years and has no real job skills or career potential). I also wonder is this a phase I'm going through, and I'll regret this for the rest of my life.

I haven't discussed this with anyone, however I did make an appointment to talk to a counseler.

So I ask again, how do you know when it's time to end the marriage?

The only person who can tell you if it the right time or the right thing to divorce is you! I tried for 3 year to make my marriage work and feared losing so much if we divorced.... then I fell in love with a married man. I did not cross the line like you have and would never do so since I surely wouldn't want that to happen to me no matter how miserable our marriage was. If you cross the line you shouldn't be married, Period!!! I decided to divorce him because we fought all the time and I loved someone else more than I loved him and that was no fair to him.

If you stay with her due to her financial status and her problems that isn't doing her a favor. You will just be living in misery and that will be your problem. You should make your decision for yourself and what will make you that happiest and be the better person and end it with this married woman. I am sure if she was your wife you wouldn't look at her so lovingly if this was happening to you! Good luck!

Thanks, That helps, but it's all so difficult. How did you know you were in love with the married man if you didn't cross the line (and I don't mean sleeping with him)? I haven't went that far with "the other woman" we haven't slept together (yet). You had to cross over the line to find out how strong your feelings were, otherwise you would just have an infatuation, right? I'm not challenging you, I just wish to understand.

Your points are all valid...that's why I am asking the question. Doesn't seem fair to my wife if my desires are elsewhere, doesn't seem fair to me either to stay in a relationship if I'm this unhappy. I guess I'm thinking that if I divorced and found someone else who I care as much for and have so much in common with as my "girlfriend", then maybe it would be easier to return to a platonic relationship with her. (That sounds weird, doesn't it.) I spent time with her yesterday...its clear we are so good together. We have a great time together. She is absolutely incredible. But I can't imagine breaking up her kids family.

Any advice from others would be appreciated!

I found a book called "Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay" by Mira Kirschenbaum. It provides a great set of questions to ask yourself to help you through the decision process and guidelines for what your answers are telling you.

Been to several counseling sessions and have meeting with attorney in 11 days. While things are currently calm and friendly on the home front, I believe I've made up my mind to leave my wife. The counseling is helping me think this through, as has the book mentioned in previous post.

Still this seems so strange...we're not fighting and things appear normal. So I feel guilty for planning to leave. But in my mind I really feel like I don't have strong feelings for my wife anymore. And the drinking is still there. I just can't see faking my way through a relationship for the rest of my life. If I'm not happy, isn't it unfair to her (and me) to stay? She knows something is wrong, but I haven't sprung this all on her yet. She'll be shocked, but yet she won't.

By the way, I've cooled it with "the other woman". Haven't seen her in about three weeks. And I'm glad. I need to be clear on my decisioning. And I'm ratcheting back my feelings for her in the process. She's a great lady, and I wish she were available, but she's not and I don't want to cause her family and her relationship to be wrecked because of me. I wouldn't wish what I'm going through on my worst enemy.

I still can't believe I'm going to leave! This is the hardest decision I've ever had to make. I one moment, I'm going to turn the world of two people completely upside down. I can handle it, but my wife has no friends and her family will be of no help. She has no job, no skills, not even a lot of interests. That's what is so tough. If she was a strong, independent person, this would be easier. Don't know what anybody out there can tell me, but any thoughts are appreciated.

With or without a 3rd party involved, you know that a marriage is over when you cannot connect and bond with your spouse anymore. I don't mean physically yeah?

I am separated from my wife now. It is painful, but I know that there is really no future in our relationship. Rather than having to drag this issue, I have chosen to end it now. So if you feel (trust your heart here) that there's no way you can bring yourself to live with this person anymore, then your decision is more or less made up.

Sometimes, it is wiser to be alone than to be with someone totally wrong for you. Cheers.

Can I ask, how you told your wife? Did/does she feel the same way, meaning she also sees no future in your relationship? I think my wife would want to stay married as long as I adore her, but the moment she finds out I don't, I think she'll want me out of her life as quickly as possible. The problem is if I even hint to her that I'm not happy and questioning the future of our marriage, she will get extremely angry (she is very thin skinned, and she has a horrible temper as well as very prideful).

Was your wife surprised when you separated?

Well, I just got my lawyer to issue a letter of separation to her. Eversince, my child was born she has transformed from Dr Jeckyl to Mrs Hyde.

She become one without logic or reasoning. What got to me most was that she was no longer concerned with our family. All she cared about was her parents, siblings and my daughter.

I see no point in sustaining this family when I am making the effort, and she is taking the backseat.

Yes Jeff, my ex wife has a fiery temper too. But when things have to end, I cannot ignore it anymore. Stand your ground dude. Let the lady know that men are no pushovers.

Dear Jeffrey,

Two things: it is very noble of you to still consider your wife's financial situation, is there anything else you could help her with like get help for her alcoholism - maybe her alcoholism could be a manisfestation of something bothering her inside and she wants to drown out her sorrows, have you tried finding out from her what's bothering her?

Secondly, it's sad that a marriage of 19 years should come to an end. because the love you feel isn't as "strong" as it used to be, or rather the "romance" is not there anymore. When you have pledged your love to marry someone, isn't that something for life? When romance has left (which is a lot of the case in a marriage), there usually is a deeper, mature form of love that "goes" beyond the surface of the skin and wrinkles. The type that cultivates and touches the inner values of a person. It's that kind that lays the "foundation" to the marriage, where true love sticks around, when times are hard, and want to work things out together. What happened to the good ol' fashion love where "till death do us part, in sickness and in health" thing? I feel that everything can be savagable, unless if it's an abusive relationship, then that's a different story.

anyway, something to provoke your thoughts...

Thanks Popeye for your thoughts! All the things you mentioned are why I've stayed married for over 19 years. I overlooked everything and came back for more. Although I'm not a religious person, I do believe in the commitment for life thing. But doesn't that go two ways? I figure if the other person doesn't think any higher of our marriage but to get ripped to the point she can't stand up, then start attacking me, both verbally and physically...then how strongly do I view our bond. I've been slapped, had things thrown at me, punched, choked, knocked into walls and over furniture, had a knife waved in my face, and a (unloaded) pistol pointed at me.

She doesn't drink all the time. The problem is now I don't like her sober either. And in talking it thru with my counselor, I'm not sure how much I ever did. I find myself avoiding her, in many ways.

Why does she drink? She claims she is so uptight all the time, she drinks to relax. Also she drinks to sleep. Anything even minor that doesn't go her way, she gets upset and grabs the bottle, so she can "blank out her mind" as she calls it. She's also obsessive compulsive and a little schizoid.

Should I try to stay by her side through all the "sickness and health"?? As I said that's what I've been doing. Now, I think I'll take care of me. My counseler says I can't make others happy if I'm not happy myself. Her happiness is not my issue.

I've totally made up my mind that I want to leave. I've retained an attorney, found a place to live, rented a storage facility and a PO Box, etc....but its so hard to make the leap. Even though its what I want, I know it will turn my life (and hers) totally upside down. I'll lose my house, a lot of my assets and a big chunk of my income. THIS IS the hardest decision a person could ever have to make. I wish she would tell me tonight she's met someone else, so I don't have to be the bad guy. Oh well, time will tell if I've done the right thing!

I would suggest counseling for both of you.

Her alcohol dependence is a very real issue that must be addressed.

If she refuses to address it, or is unable to address it, then you must protect yourself.