I admitted my infedelity -- now she is gone

Hi, I'm 24 years old, I met my fiancee(now ex I guess) in college when I was 19. When I was 22 I had a brief fling with a girl from one of my classes. I let this side "affair" continue for months, before breaking it off since I guess I was just young, looking for fun, but I knew I loved my fiancee (girl friend at the time), so I broke it off with this other girl. This was year 2000. She later confronted my girlfriend about this whole thing and I with the aid of my friends convinced my girlfriend that this other woman was crazy.

Anyhow she always had a suscpicion that I was lying. I proposed to her last year and we were beginning wedding planning this month and I just had to admit my guilt because I did not want to start a relationship on a lie. Just FYI, this other girl, I did not have "sex" with, just fooled around "a lot"..guess you know what that means. So yesterday she stands infront of me and says "you know I love you, I am going to marry you, just tell me the truth, I need closure..."

So like an idiot I told her the truth, and she proceeded to leave......

I don't know what to do..I just told her because I did not want to carry this guilt with me forever and start something as sacred as marriage with lies and skeletons in the closet..did I do the right thing or did I just screw up, and just have kept this inside.......

First you did the right thing when you broke off the affair with another woman and yes we make mistakes during our course of lives and with those mistakes instead of facing your punishment and confronting it, you hid from it and lied to her. now that was the 2nd mistake. Finally, you let your guilt take over and felt bad, so to make yourself feel better, you told her the truth.

All 3 of these included that you were selfish and you wanted your own needs and didn't cherish how she would feel and you didn't trust her the first time, which would hurt her.

hI

I think you did the right thing by telling your fiance the truth about your fling. But you should have told her a long time ago, not when you two are just about to be married. Marriage has to be worked at, how can you expect your fiance to trust you after you betrayed her? I made the same mistake you did with my boyfried a couple of years back. I did the same thing you did, I couldn't bear to keep it from him. So, I told him what I had done. He flipped. For a while he made my life hell. I felt so bad I cried, I was miserable. He made me out to be some hoe (which iam not) Eventually, he came around, but it was never the same. It was kinda good in a way what he did to me because it taught me how precious our love was, and any love I would have in the future. I never cheated on anyone after that and would never even think about it. I guess the moral of this story is, if your fiance truly loves you and can trust you well, then you belong together, but if not well then that special person is still out there searching for you. This is fate's way of saying to keep looking.

You did the right thing telling her. Don't try to pressure her to come back. She probably will, because she loves you. When she does, get some couple therapy so you can get through it. I cheated on the love of my life with a coworker. We tried surviving my infidelity but we got into a fear-anger-insecurity circle that seems to have destroyed our relationship. She left me for her boss three weeks ago, and I pray for her to come back.

You might try showing her my web site and telling her that you feel badly enough about having hurt her that all she has to do is "say the word" and you'll contact me about going through the guilt expiation program I have. I'm not saying that I'd take you, even if you did; but, your making the offer to her would leave no room for doubt in her mind that your remorse is sincere... I can't promise that I'd turn you away if you did contact me; so, there WOULD have to be some real sincerity in your offer to her; but, I can tell you that normally, when I agree to take an infidelity related case, the people involved were already married at the time of the infidelity and that infidelity "had been consumated..."

In any event, learn from the mistakes you made instead of allowing them to define you. Try to filter your interactions with people with question "If I were going to be personally experiencing the end results which this decision will have upon others, how would I decide???" With this filter in place, you generally won't get yourself on thin ice with yourself.