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Thread: I have been excommunicated from my family.

  1. #1
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    I have been excommunicated from my family.

    I was asked to reformat into paragraph form to make it easier to read. Mods please delete OP

    Sorry for the long post. Ill post a Too long didn't read cliff notes version at bottom.

    So I'll start with the fact my wife and mother do not get along. They were fine until my mom stepped in and tried to tell my wife what to do with our son. At first I thought my wife was being unreasonable. Shes a Filipina and if you wrong her once she is done with you. Asian Tiger mom kind of thing. So I spent so much effort trying to force a relationship. It drove me into a very dark place. I contemplated hurting myself or others. I took a step back and was like ? Why am I the only one trying to force you to have a relationship? I'd drag my wife and son over on holidays wife miserable the entire time. She would usually take our son outside with other kiddos. My mom never went out their. She stayed inside playing host and at times talking about how horrible we are. Like if you want to spend more time with my son go do it. So I decided to no longer force my wife to go. She was not ok with just me taking son due to comments I made while drunk about hurting them. So I go alone. Well that's not ok either She's real close with my cousin around same age as me. I start getting msgs calling me spineless for not sticking up for my mother. I told her to stop wasting her time. I was called every name in the book. I told my mom this, "I have no control over what she does." Mom! You are sitting next to her at the bar while she's sending it. Your FOS if you want me to think it's not being discussed. At the very least condemn this behavior. Nope.

    So fast forward to this August I have my nephews bday party and fam coming in town. Another cousin who both my mother and i are close with is coming in town. We work in same profession so we are tight. I once confided in her i thought about hurting myself. We have been talking for weeks about her coming making plans. So she gets here first 2 days i get bs excuses, then she just ignores me. I am getting pissed because i bought her a zoo pass. So i call her a B. Next evening i get a long msg from her about how im the problem and I try to start fights with everyone. She even said go ahead and kill yourself. Im shocked! So you went to my moms they put a finger in your face and told you what to think of me. I start to see the control she has. It's like a mafia family. You cross the Matriarch she sends her goons. I should have seen it when cousins and Aunt stopped responding to wifes msgs and asking for pics.

    So nephews bday I'm not going, I have a cousin who lives 70 miles away who I reached out to on FB recently she's not super close with anyone so it was nice get advice from her because she knew everybody but didn't know my situation. So glad another family member got to see it. My nephews bday after kids go to bed turns into family drunk fest. So cousin who drove 70 miles goes and says all they are doing is talking on me so she left after 45 min. After she leaves she gets blown up by the hit men, "your not around to see it, he talks so much behind your back i have screenshots. Never saw the screenshots btw. Again, mom says i have no control over them! There sitting 5 feet away BS! I'm livid! So entire family is being turned against me. "I'm going over there!" Cousin says don't do anything dumb. She came up with idea of taking some left over pizza and leaving. So I walk in make no eye contact don't say a word. There was like 6 uneaten pizzas I grab a box walk out. Dad and brother screaming obscenities at me as I walk to my car. So I go home. My mom pulls up rings doorbell a few times. No way am I answering $5 crappy pizza is not worth how bad this could get. So she gets back in her car and lays on horn. She sits in my driveway for a good 30 sec. Around midnight, Woke my family up. I aplogized to my Brother for messing with kids party that wasn't cool, even though kids were in bed and adults up drinking. I have spoken to nobody in my family since this event in early August. I am for first time in a long time looking forward to a no drama holiday. I am happier than ever, my marriage is better than ever since I cut out all the toxic behavior. So where do I go from here? I don't plan on never seeing them again. I'm going to stay away through holidays. I think about this everyday, it's not what I wanted or anything. I just have no idea where to go from here. The cousin that suggest I kill myself she has reached out a bit but I have decided in person is when I want to call her out for her part in this. Thanks in advance for all input.

    Too Long didn't read Version: My wife and my mother do not get along. For taking my wife's side my mom has turned family against me.
    Last edited by DBF; 10-21-2019 at 01:41 AM.

  2. #2
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Sorry to here this. The most disconcerting part of this is the suicidal/homicidal ideation.

    The best thing you can do for that is see a physician for a complete physical and mention this. It's not a family chitchat topic, you need to see professionals. Stop forcing people to be together. Let everyone have their own boundaries. If you are drinking heavily and/or using drugs get professional help for that.
    Originally Posted by DBF
    I spent so much effort trying to force a relationship. It drove me into a very dark place.

    I contemplated hurting myself or others. I once confided in her i thought about hurting myself.

    The cousin that suggest I kill myself

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    In 2017 you posted that your family was good people and you felt your wife was being unreasonable for not wanting to see them or bring your son to see them.

    When did this change? And why?

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    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    You're right to lay low and stay away from those triggers or behaviours. Don't look for trouble fishing for long lost cousins also. If your marriage is going well, keep up the momentum and don't look for trouble.

    My advice for relatives and friends from out of town is to not make any bookings until they arrive and you see them in person and agree to doing things together. Anything can change: people may be tired after a long flight or commute, they may have other plans with other friends or family or you all may come up with new things to do as a group. That's very kind of you to book the passes but for your sanity, next time hold off if possible. This is just something I've learned over the years. Take it easy and keep things simple and easy on yourself.

    If you are unhappy with your life overall, look for ways to improve it. Don't start picking on people or accusing anyone of not standing up for you. You're just hurting yourself. Be true to yourself and take care of your family. Give things time to cool down and for the dust to settle. I'll be very honest with you though - after your outbursts and reactions, you may not be trusted by many of your family members. Trust takes time to develop. Don't go in any more expecting anyone to trust you or see things from your point of view. Lower your expectations, be humble and if things do warm up to meeting again, I understand you're hurt but please don't overreact like this.

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    Originally Posted by boltnrun
    In 2017 you posted that your family was good people and you felt your wife was being unreasonable for not wanting to see them or bring your son to see them.

    When did this change? And why?
    Well I took a step back and realized my wife was right. My mom was a control freak. I still think they are good people but I needed a break from all the drama.

  7. #6
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    I have. to be honest marijuanna helped me with depression


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