Open Relationships and a Best Friend

Hi... I'm sort of new to this, so bear with me. I just didn't know where else to go to. I've been in a monogamous relationship for about a year and recently, my partner moved over seas for Peace Corps and won't be back for two years. It was okay for a while but after about three or four months I started getting restless, and decided to talk to him about it. We came to the conclusion to be in an open relationship and be very vocal on who we'd be seeing and all of that. It seemed like a good solution, and it made me feel better for a while. Fast forward a few weeks, and my best friend who I've known for about a year or so moves in with me in a new town where we don't know anyone. Naturally, we hang out all the time and have only met a handful of new people. Then one night we get drunk and we kiss, we make out, nothing past that. But... I feel guilty. I feel guilty because even though I know that I haven't betrayed my partner, I know that if he knew I was kissing my best friend it probably wouldn't go over well. Also there's the fact that... well I have no romantic feelings for my friend, it was a spur of the moment thing and I'd been deprived of physical affection for such a long time. And now I... well I don't know what to do. I can't seem to process anything and I feel awful and good and guilty and... well I guess I just need some advice. Do I tell my partner? Do I not tell him? Do I tell my friend we can't keep doing this? Gosh, I don't know. Thanks for listening...

Why don't you just break up? Under the false guise of "honesty and openness" telling each other all the juicy details is foolish. Clearly you and your new roommate are going to continue and it's very unlikely either you or your estranged bf are going to be "honest" about anything.

It would be best to be honest and admit this LDR is not working and set both yourself and your estranged bf free. Why use and string other people along and be dishonest with each other? Just end it and all the guilt, lies and "open relationship" nonsense will be gone.

We came to the conclusion to be in an open relationship. and be very vocal on who we'd be seeing and all of that. Do I tell my partner? Do I not tell him? Do I tell my friend we can't keep doing this?

Look, most of the time "open relationship" means "I don't want quite want to breakup but I want things that are really hard to have inside a relationship." And it's really, really hard to pivot from being "closed" to being "open," regardless of the scenario.

That said, I think it can be a really great thing to try, and to experiment with, even a phase in a relationship that brings people closer. But to do that you have to walk the walk, not just talk it. If the rules were you tell each other, then stick to the rules. Let him know what happened, how you feel, whatever. This is the only way you'll know if this is something you two can really handle, as opposed to some theoretical thing. Because the idea of the "best friend being different" is ultimately false. What if instead of best friend it was someone better looking, or funnier, or more stylish, or...you get the point.

I think that you need be honest with yourself. You are a monogamous person and this situation with your bf isn't working. Monogamy aside, there is also the distance and time issue. Two years is a very long time, a lot of experiences and a lot of change happening while you two are completely apart. This isn't a realistic or workable situation, so it would be best that you set each other free. You don't even know if he won't extend his stay or meet and marry someone else while he is there, etc. Again, we aren't talking about SO being gone for a few months, we are talking years here.

Break up and go live your life and leave him to live his. If after two years, once he is back you both happen to be single and want to see if there is something there that can be rekindled, you can always explore that. It's better to part ways than engage in this charade of "open" relationship where you don't feel good about yourself, what you are doing, etc. Basically, part ways now while you still like and respect each other before this whole deal blows up in your face and leaves you both miserable and bitter.

If you’re going to have an open relationship, then it should not be with friends or people you know. Especially not with someone who is a friend to you and your SO. That’s how guilt, jealousy, and awkwardness start.

Your boyfriend maybe away for two years. Hell, he may like where he is and renew his contract to extend his stay. It’s not uncommon for young people to do this while they are teaching in another country or are part of the Peace Corps. They are great opportunities to jumpstart careers. Just these opportunities alone is exactly why I didn’t sign up for teaching overseas or join the Peace Corp while in a serious relationship - I had to decide which was more important to me, and I couldn’t leave my husband who would not be able to come with me (and live in a foreign place entirely alone). Bottom line is that he is moving on with his life and career separately, and you have no definitely way of knowing if he’s coming back. 2 years is a very long time that ANYTHING can change. There is no way to secure this kind of relationship... you guys won’t be able to visit frequently.

It would be fair to both of you to break up and start seeing other people while he’s exploring his life separately. If it was meant to be and he comes back, then it will work out. But it is completely unfair to expect YOU to put your life on hold for him when he voluntarily joined the PC and wants to do his own thing.

I think he agreed to an open relationship so he can date freely in Poland or whatever country he's in. You should just put the relationship on hold and tell him you'll keep in touch with him and see him when he comes home. Don't fall for this "open relationship" stuff and of telling him who you're dating. It'll only give him fuel for breaking up with you and create all sorts of jealousy and so forth. You described what's wrong with long-distance romances perfectly. After three months, you're craving intimacy that you can't get with an Internet relationship.

Yes this is exactly what happens and the naive typically try this LDR, "open relationship", whatever approach ..of course until a nice new warm and accessible body comes along. Then the communication drops off, the conversation is vague and everyone is "out with some friends".

You described what's wrong with long-distance romances perfectly. After three months, you're craving intimacy that you can't get with an Internet relationship.