Am I over thinking this?

Evening ENA - back again.

So I've (32) been dating this girl (24) for 5 months now, having met through a mutual friend. It's fairly long distance (1 1/2hr drive) but is workable, seeing each other most weekends. We also text daily and talk probably once a week. She is in the process of moving back to her parents (albeit separate annex) for a new job, which is 2 1/2 hours away. Again, we are both fairly positive about continuing the relationship, but have both mentioned it's hard to call how we'll both react to the new situation.

I've been fairly nonchalant (yet committed) about the relationship up till now, being very relaxed about when we see each other and making sure we both live our own lives. That said, we've always made plans at least once a week. She's told me how nice it is that I'm so relaxed, and that even with all her drama I make it less stressful. I've met her friends (both where she lives currently and her old home), been invited to dinner (and stayed) with her parents and attended a local party where I was introduced to her extended friends / family. It's those things that make me feel confident that this has some longevity (why would she invite me if that wasn't the case?).

Recently, I've started to feel a lot more emotionally invested in her than I expected at this stage. She's gone through a tough time at work and home, and hasn't had any support from her local friends. She's very much a people pleaser, and will always put others feelings before her own. As such, she's taken on alot of emotional baggage from her friends, yet hasn't been offered the same in return. I've felt almost compelled to be there for her, but have worried about being needy to appease. I've bought her supplies when she was hungover, taken her to the doctors, helped clean her flat etc just to make things easier for her. She's always been thankful / appreciative, but I'm starting to question whether I'm "too nice"? She has used the pharse "you're too good to me" recently I'm worried I've been too full on.

Case and point, her flat mate has made home life very difficult recently. It's cause is that, as my girl is leaving soon, she is spending more time with me (1 day a week) than her. In a couple of cases, that is true, however she'll never admit it to her. As such, i was told she wasn't going to see me this weekend and would spend time with her before she moves home. I had been 100% behind her making the most of this time together, as the likelihood would be I'd see her before she sees them again (although we've not planned anything). She's been out a-lot this week (end of job) and saying goodbyes to people also. I've had a busy weekend seeing friends and partaking in golf, however I've felt myself needlessly checking my phone regularly, questioning why a read text goes unanswered or why it takes 5 hours to check her phone. It's a horrible feeling, and I'm not sure whats driving it. Whilst I'm disappointed I hadn't seen her this weekend, I completely understand why. The fact she's pandered to her friend irritated me somewhat (theres a backstory here), but at the same time the ease I could be pushed aside took me by surprise.

I'd been warned by friends not to get into deep because of the age (different places in our lives) and distance (now longer) and that I'm only making the situation worse for myself by prolonging it. I've disagreed and want the relationship to continue, but hate this new found neediness I seem to have adopted recently.

Am I over thinking all of this?

I don't think you're over-thinking this. Quite simply, the age and the distance are problems. Just looking at the statistics, an 8-year age gap has a 30% greater chance of a breakup and a long-distance romance has a 40% greater chance of a breakup.

You've also dropped hints about bigger problems in your relationship with comments like "all her drama," "she's gone through a tough time at work and home," and "emotional baggage." They make me wonder exactly what problems she's having. You've said you had to help clean her flat and nurse her through a hangover, is she suffering from depression? The "you're too good to me" comment is used a lot by people who are using their depression to manipulate people around them.

With everything added together, the age difference, the distance and the suspected depression, this relationship just might not be worth it. You'll know more when you have to make the 2 1/2 trip to her new home on a regular basis about whether it's all getting too much for you.

Well, I think that, since you're already finding yourself way more emotionally invested than perhaps you wanted to be at this stage, the future of your relationship is definitely worth thinking about as she moves further away. You're a bit older, so I assume you may want to settle down soon, if you want this relationship to really last long-term one of you is probably going to have to relocate, as long distance relationships tend to hit a growth plateau after a while...

I think you should probably sit down and talk to her about what it is she is looking for in a relationship and whether or not she is as serious about you as you are her. I don't think you're doing too much for her, really, what you're doing sounds like typical nice-boyfriend things and she's lucky to have you. Many women feel weird about being doted on... when I get doted on, I feel as if I don't deserve it even when I do, so I wouldn't worry about her "you're too good for me" comments too much. Just sounds like a self-esteem issue on her part, her exes probably have never treated her so well.

Anyways, I think the first thing you need to do is figure out where she is at in your relationship in terms of feelings and wanting to continue the relationship (you say you want to continue it but you don't mention whether or not she does), and that will guide the rest of your decisions.

I don't think you're over-thinking this. Quite simply, the age and the distance are problems. Just looking at the statistics, an 8-year age gap has a 30% greater chance of a breakup and a long-distance romance has a 40% greater chance of a breakup.

 

You've also dropped hints about bigger problems in your relationship with comments like "all her drama," "she's gone through a tough time at work and home," and "emotional baggage." They make me wonder exactly what problems she's having. You've said you had to help clean her flat and nurse her through a hangover, is she suffering from depression? The "you're too good to me" comment is used a lot by people who are using their depression to manipulate people around them.

 

With everything added together, the age difference, the distance and the suspected depression, this relationship just might not be worth it. You'll know more when you have to make the 2 1/2 trip to her new home on a regular basis about whether it's all getting too much for you.

I wasn't aware of the statistics, but it's interesting to know - thank you.

Her "bigger" problems aren't depression, apologies I probably made that sound worse than I meant. She's moving out so I helped clean her flat ahead of inspection, and the hangover was associated to a hen party she went on. But, her work life has been difficult for a whole host of reasons which have certainly made her unhappy, topped of by living with a needy house mate that craves her attention without offering her own. That is the cause of the drama, which is all very trivial. She's been desperate to move home and I'm actually glad she's moving. When I've visited her there previously, she's a much happier person.

I suspect you're right - I'll have to wait and see. It's just annoying me that I'm starting to be bothered by the most ludicrous of things - for example tonight an unread text message, even though I know she's out with her dad and flat mate for a last supper before she moves!

Well, I think that, since you're already finding yourself way more emotionally invested than perhaps you wanted to be at this stage, the future of your relationship is definitely worth thinking about as she moves further away. You're a bit older, so I assume you may want to settle down soon, if you want this relationship to really last long-term one of you is probably going to have to relocate, as long distance relationships tend to hit a growth plateau after a while...

 

I think you should probably sit down and talk to her about what it is she is looking for in a relationship and whether or not she is as serious about you as you are her. I don't think you're doing too much for her, really, what you're doing sounds like typical nice-boyfriend things and she's lucky to have you. Many women feel weird about being doted on... when I get doted on, I feel as if I don't deserve it even when I do, so I wouldn't worry about her "you're too good for me" comments too much. Just sounds like a self-esteem issue on her part, her exes probably have never treated her so well.

 

Anyways, I think the first thing you need to do is figure out where she is at in your relationship in terms of feelings and wanting to continue the relationship (you say you want to continue it but you don't mention whether or not she does), and that will guide the rest of your decisions.

Thanks for your message.

We've discussed it, in so much that we a both very positive about it - but are both aware that there is an element of the unknown lurking around the corner. I don't think either of us are naive enough to think things wont change.

I'm older, but I'm certainly not chasing down family ties or pushing her down the aisle (I'm currently not fussed on either). She is also more mature than other 24 year olds (although she has her moments! Ha). You've 100% hit the nail on the head about the self-esteem comment. She's always felt like I'm too good for her, and questions why I'm with her. She's not dated anyone who's treated her as well as me, and so I've taken that as a huge compliment. I know (from her) that her Ex left a particularly bad impression.

She's not one who likes having those conversations, but from my own sanity I think I need to approach it. I can't keep feeling like I'm in limbo, starting to re-read messages for hidden meaning. She moves home tomorrow, and I think I'm making the trip down Sunday (albeit it's not planned).

Age differences are real. I'm 38, and last year got out of a three relationship with a 26 year old woman so you can do the math on how young she was when I was 5 months in. I can, and have, picked over all of our "drama" with a forensic comb, but at the end of the day it kind of comes down to: twelve years is twelve years. And so is eight.

It's worth taking a moment to be honest with yourself about what you like about being with someone who is just starting out as an adult. Do you like getting to be the "relaxed" one, the one whose "experience in life" allows you to see past "trivial drama"? Do you like the little high that comes from being able to swoop in and "clean up" whatever in her life seems so "crazy" to her but so par-for-the-course for you? Is your own growth confirmed because you're not the (probably much younger) toolbag she was with before you?

Those can be hard questions to ask, but they may help you understand the relationship and why, 5 months in, some of the high is giving way to anxiety. The high of being needed morphs into neediness.

Another thing about dating younger: you're almost inevitably dating someone who expresses affection and seeks security in ways that are more immature than you. (And, I'm sorry, but the moment someone uses the phrase "more mature than other 24 year olds" is the moment they're rationalizing the immaturity they know is a thorn. I say this with sympathy—been there!) My point being that your behavior right now (analyzing text messages, feeling jittery about what you know is nonsensical, this insatiable neediness) might be the result of this connection being related to something a little immature in yourself. A kind of regression that, at least early on, had the illusion of progression. Her self-esteem issues may be easy to write off because she's young, but bare in mind that somewhere along the way your own self-esteem is becoming reliant on her in ways that...well, aren't so mature for a 32 year old, you know?

So tread lightly, and just be honest with yourself. It's probably easy for you to feel like you're seeing her and understanding her. After all, she's young; you've been in her shoes, to some degree. But she hasn't been in yours, and if you don't feel seen you don't feel secure. And that's where the neediness manifests.

Age differences are real. I'm 38, and last year got out of a three relationship with a 26 year old woman so you can do the math on how young she was when I was 5 months in. I can, and have, picked over all of our "drama" with a forensic comb, but at the end of the day it kind of comes down to: twelve years is twelve years. And so is eight.

 

It's worth taking a moment to be honest with yourself about what you like about being with someone who is just starting out as an adult. Do you like getting to be the "relaxed" one, the one whose "experience in life" allows you to see past "trivial drama"? Do you like the little high that comes from being able to swoop in and "clean up" whatever in her life seems so "crazy" to her but so par-for-the-course for you? Is your own growth confirmed because you're not the (probably much younger) toolbag she was with before you?

 

Those can be hard questions to ask, but they may help you understand the relationship and why, 5 months in, some of the high is giving way to anxiety. The high of being needed morphs into neediness.

 

Another thing about dating younger: you're almost inevitably dating someone who expresses affection and seeks security in ways that are more immature than you. (And, I'm sorry, but the moment someone uses the phrase "more mature than other 24 year olds" is the moment they're rationalizing the immaturity they know is a thorn. I say this with sympathy—been there!) My point being that your behavior right now (analyzing text messages, feeling jittery about what you know is nonsensical, this insatiable neediness) might be the result of this connection being related to something a little immature in yourself. A kind of regression that, at least early on, had the illusion of progression. Her self-esteem issues may be easy to write off because she's young, but bare in mind that somewhere along the way your own self-esteem is becoming reliant on her in ways that...well, aren't so mature for a 32 year old, you know?

 

So tread lightly, and just be honest with yourself. It's probably easy for you to feel like you're seeing her and understanding her. After all, she's young; you've been in her shoes, to some degree. But she hasn't been in yours, and if you don't feel seen you don't feel secure. And that's where the neediness manifests.

What a clinical post - that's really hit home, thank you. Also helps coming from someone who's been dated younger.

That second paragraph sings true so much it's somewhat disturbing. I enjoy being the older guy, being a confident person who can wade through all her troubles and help her though it. I've certainly done that many a time, and I'd be lying if I didn't say I took personal gratification for it - but at the same time knowing it was benefiting her which has always been my priority. But I can see how that need morphs into neediness, especially when you don't feel as wanted (like this weekend).

I'm not sure how this started, but you're right. My behaviour right now is not fitting of someone of my age / experience / status - and it's something I've never experienced before. I do feel I've regressed personally, and oddly it's only been this week where it's been an issue. My self esteem has never been in question, however now I'm inadvertently tying it text messages - which is completely irrational. Maybe its the knowing I'm not needed to help her move? Spending time with others (quite rightly) takes a precedence? Or it's just one weekend in 5 months where she's got a-lot of emotional turmoil to unwrap and is dealing with independently.

Thanks again.

I think you'd thrive if you stretched out of your comfort zone to date women who are more on your level.

I think for a lot of people, they tend to date someone they feel superior to, believing it will be safer. But it's really not.

It's like playing always below your skill level. Not only do you not grow, it withers the skills you already had as they are not being used. And it's a larger ego blow when you do not feel in the position of having control and mastery over the situation, as you have invested in being in the more advanced role.

Maybe it's time to get off the bunny hill, so to speak.

I think you'd thrive if you stretched out of your comfort zone to date women who are more on your level.

I think for a lot of people, they tend to date someone they feel superior to, believing it will be safer. But it's really not.

It's like playing always below your skill level. Not only do you not grow, it withers the skills you already had as they are not being used. And it's a larger ego blow when you do not feel in the position of having control and mastery over the situation, as you have invested in being in the more advanced role.

 

Maybe it's time to get off the bunny hill, so to speak.

Thanks - I guess, as an analogy, it's a golfer playing the same par 3 course over and over ignoring the full 18 course next to it!

I've dated women who've been on my level, with varying success. My last girlfriend (5 years) I believed we were very much on par with one another.

It's caught me off guard, this desire for attention.

You know what I think everyone is on point, there's always this theory that women would be supposedly mature quicker than men in life, but that isn't much the case honestly, especially 20yo

guys or girls, nowadays look all like crazy to me...

I also in the last 4-5 years dated 24-28yo women and everytime I felt they were immature on some level, it's really you're ready to build something real with someone and they are still figuring

out stuff, nothing wrong there but it never works in the end.

Nowadays I'm actively not dating under 30yo, if younger women get interested and contact me, I talk a bit but usually I'm very clear on that and seeing the replies, it's pretty easy to see if one

would be the exception, but I haven't met any still today...

You know what I think everyone is on point, there's always this theory that women would be supposedly mature quicker than men in life, but that isn't much the case honestly, especially 20yo

guys or girls, nowadays look all like crazy to me...

 

I also in the last 4-5 years dated 24-28yo women and everytime I felt they were immature on some level, it's really you're ready to build something real with someone and they are still figuring

out stuff, nothing wrong there but it never works in the end.

 

Nowadays I'm actively not dating under 30yo, if younger women get interested and contact me, I talk a bit but usually I'm very clear on that and seeing the replies, it's pretty easy to see if one

would be the exception, but I haven't met any still today...

Thanks for the reply, and I'm quite pleased that everyone seems to be in agreement.

TBH She's caught up in a lot of immature drama recently with her friends that has raised my concerns. Most notably the flat mate issue, which is something I wouldn't expect from an older girl. Normally, if I was dating someone her flat mate 1) wouldn't be involved 2) would be please her friend was happy. Not guilt her into a position of weakness. I was just annoyed that a third party was affecting my social life, but needs must. I wanted my girl to have an easier last week.

As an update, we barely spoke yesterday because she was moving out / cleaning her flat. She went out with her friends and father for a last supper, and ended up staying up with her Dad. She texts before bed (as she's always done) to apologies for her crazy day and that she "promised to be more commutative from now on". I hadn't made any point to her about this, if anything I fully expected not to hear from her. I'm worried that I'm now giving off the vibe which is all too concerning.

As an update, we barely spoke yesterday because she was moving out / cleaning her flat. She went out with her friends and father for a last supper, and ended up staying up with her Dad. She texts before bed (as she's always done) to apologies for her crazy day and that she "promised to be more commutative from now on". I hadn't made any point to her about this, if anything I fully expected not to hear from her. I'm worried that I'm now giving off the vibe which is all too concerning.

As someone who got out last winter of a relationship with a 28yo people pleaser and very anxious woman, I'll tell you this. Nothing you do for her really matters, because you

will be doing stuff until the end of days, this isn't helping her to be more assertive and actually "grow a pair", taking decisions and improving her behavior.

She has to change and realize this from her own will, I'm afraid there is nothing you can do here and the most sensible thing now, is actually to step back tell her this isn't

working unless she gets out of pleasing everyone but her, be here if she needs but I do not think these people can improve if you keep on being there all the time for them.

Can you be sure with this people pleaser mentality, that this is the real person she is, or that you want to date someone who does things not because she likes them, but

because she wants to please you too !?

You have to realize though it doesn't look really bad, this is also a toxic behavior as much as being narcissistic and she'll hurt herself but others as well in the process.

As someone who got out last winter of a relationship with a 28yo people pleaser and very anxious woman, I'll tell you this. Nothing you do for her really matters, because you

will be doing stuff until the end of days, this isn't helping her to be more assertive and actually "grow a pair", taking decisions and improving her behavior.

 

She has to change and realize this from her own will, I'm afraid there is nothing you can do here and the most sensible thing now, is actually to step back tell her this isn't

working unless she gets out of pleasing everyone but her, be here if she needs but I do not think these people can improve if you keep on being there all the time for them.

Can you be sure with this people pleaser mentality, that this is the real person she is, or that you want to date someone who does things not because she likes them, but

because she wants to please you too !?

 

You have to realize though it doesn't look really bad, this is also a toxic behavior as much as being narcissistic and she'll hurt herself but others as well in the process.

Really valuing your insight Last.

She's always tried to found the best in people, which for the most part I found quite nice. However, it got to a point where she was protecting her ex (who'd reached out), a colleague who had been making her uncomfortable or the guy she'd met before me who it ended badly with. Outsiders perspective, they were all idiots and didn't deserve her kindness, let alone blaming herself for their actions.

I've told her that she can't please everyone, but every time she puts others before herself.

I don't think I've ever given her the impression that I need to talk to her regularly, quite the opposite in fact. I've my own work / life balance to manage and genuinely don't sit around waiting for a call / text. Except for Sunday, which was all the more confusing to me. I think she's feeling like she's neglected me, both in terms of communication and visits this weekend.

Really valuing your insight Last.

 

She's always tried to found the best in people, which for the most part I found quite nice. However, it got to a point where she was protecting her ex (who'd reached out), a colleague who had been making her uncomfortable or the guy she'd met before me who it ended badly with. Outsiders perspective, they were all idiots and didn't deserve her kindness, let alone blaming herself for their actions.

 

I've told her that she can't please everyone, but every time she puts others before herself.

 

I don't think I've ever given her the impression that I need to talk to her regularly, quite the opposite in fact. I've my own work / life balance to manage and genuinely don't sit around waiting for a call / text. Except for Sunday, which was all the more confusing to me. I think she's feeling like she's neglected me, both in terms of communication and visits this weekend.

Well since you aren't overly present, stepping back will not work she might not really see the difference, I think you have to be blunt with her that pleasing everyone is,

a) impossible b) delusional and c) pushing you away, that this relationship isn't working as is.

Do not give an ultimatum this is an ass**** move, but then I guess the only solution is stopping seeing/interacting for a while so she can figure it out.

I also found exactly the same about my ex, I was amazed how she treated anyone respectfully, until is saw how some people around her were outright ass****, now

you being 32 you should ask yourself these questions.

Is this really worth it in the long run ?

She might not change much and eventually make you resent the situation, leading to you leaving her.

She might change for better and then she'll realize her new self wants a different man, leading her to leave you.

It might all work out in the end, but are you okay to wait god knows how much time, maybe years to have a stable relationship with her.

I met great women since the beginning of the year, but I want more, so for me I know waiting on a woman now is a big no and you know there are women who are mature

as well as behaved out there, around your age. Do you really think she is that great to risk wasting maybe years, for a very unlikely outcome ?

Well since you aren't overly present, stepping back will not work she might not really see the difference, I think you have to be blunt with her that pleasing everyone is,

a) impossible b) delusional and c) pushing you away, that this relationship isn't working as is.

Do not give an ultimatum this is an ass**** move, but then I guess the only solution is stopping seeing/interacting for a while so she can figure it out.

 

I also found exactly the same about my ex, I was amazed how she treated anyone respectfully, until is saw how some people around her were outright ass****, now

you being 32 you should ask yourself these questions.

 

Is this really worth it in the long run ?

She might not change much and eventually make you resent the situation, leading to you leaving her.

She might change for better and then she'll realize her new self wants a different man, leading her to leave you.

It might all work out in the end, but are you okay to wait god knows how much time, maybe years to have a stable relationship with her.

 

I met great women since the beginning of the year, but I want more, so for me I know waiting on a woman now is a big no and you know there are women who are mature

as well as behaved out there, around your age. Do you really think she is that great to risk wasting maybe years, for a very unlikely outcome ?

I would say that that i don't think that her personality to appease hasn't been an outstanding issue. I've put it down that she just want's to help people, even when (from the outside) they've got ulterior motives. It's only this weekend where she (rightfully) chose to spend time with her flat mate because she felt guilt ridden that it's affected me. That said, I've been more concerned by the way acted if I'm honest.

But you're quite right, I'm not sure how much time I want to commit to ultimately get to the same conclusion. Whilst I want to continue seeing her and giving the new scenario a good go, I don't want to feel like I have this weekend over something so trivial as text messaging. It's obscure behavior on my part. I'm not sure how accommodating her parents will be for a regular visitor either - although that's and assumption and not one I think, having met them, will be an issue.

Maybe something you may not have considered as well is how if you choose to invest a lot of time into relationships like this, it can limit your choices with other women down the line if/when you decide to date women closer to your age and maturity level.

You mentioned not all your relationships have been specifically like this, but also that you do tend to it enough for it to be a pattern.

That may be worth exploring in itself - the why.

Speaking as a woman in her 30s, when I was dating with a desire for something that could potentially become serious, one of my sealbreakers for proceeding past the getting to know you phase was men who had a pattern of dating younger. I never shared this, as it's not something a person can change ( nor would I expect someone to in order to suit me), I just quietly exited before getting more involved. I have a few reasons for this, and certainly not all women are the same, but it's something you may not have considered.

At your age you are in prime position to date such a variety of women - from younger, your age, older- it's feast mode. All I'm saying is some people do take into consideration previous patterns even after one may have exited that time.

Maybe something you may not have considered as well is how if you choose to invest a lot of time into relationships like this, it can limit your choices with other women down the line if/when you decide to date women closer to your age and maturity level.

You mentioned not all your relationships have been specifically like this, but also that you do tend to it enough for it to be a pattern.

That may be worth exploring in itself - the why.

 

Speaking as a woman in her 30s, when I was dating with a desire for something that could potentially become serious, one of my sealbreakers for proceeding past the getting to know you phase was men who had a pattern of dating younger. I never shared this, as it's not something a person can change ( nor would I expect someone to in order to suit me), I just quietly exited before getting more involved. I have a few reasons for this, and certainly not all women are the same, but it's something you may not have considered.

 

At your age you are in prime position to date such a variety of women - from younger, your age, older- it's feast mode. All I'm saying is some people do take into consideration previous patterns even after one may have exited that time.

It's not so much an investment of time, due to the distance. I still accomplish my personal goals when I don't see her. Tbh, now that you've mentioned it I've always been in relationship with girls younger than me (- 6 months, -2 years, -4 1/2 years, now -8 years). Hadn't noticed that before. Can I ask why you feel that's a game changer for you?

I was coming off the back of a long term relationship (5 years) before I met my current girl, and was single for 5 months - although was only dating for the last 3 months. I do feel in my prime, but I'm not sure I want to give up on this just yet. I'm just trying to work out why I'm this "In" to her more than I expected, and why it's affecting the way it is.

One thing that's pretty intoxicating about dating younger is that they'll put you up on a pedestal pretty quickly. You don't really need to do much for that early hit of infatuation. Qualities of yours that are just baseline to a woman your age—having a career, a dash of genuine self-confidence and chivalry, being able to pay rent and afford dinner at a nice restaurant, not "freaking out" when life gets momentarily challenging—seem almost superhuman to someone living with roommates, figuring out what they want, etc.

Feeling superhuman is, of course, fun! But it can all be a bit of a shortcut to intimacy and vulnerability, or a shadow of true intimacy and vulnerability. Given that it's unlikely a woman in her early 20s can really "see" a man in his early 30s, it's worth asking if being the source of insecure adoration ("You're too good for me") as well as the reliable problem solver (taking care of apartment, "teaching" someone how to manage friends) isn't a way to avoid looking inward.

Again, I mean this with zero disrespect of judgement. I've got 6 years on you, and have a similar pattern, one I'm a year into working to untangle in therapy because I've realized it's not really serving my highest needs. I'm also curious to hear why itsallgrand has reservations—wonder if some of the above is at play—because I've certainly noticed the barely suppressed eye roll when I tell women in their 30s that my last gf was 25.

One thing that's pretty intoxicating about dating younger is that they'll put you up on a pedestal pretty quickly. You don't really need to do much for that early hit of infatuation. Qualities of yours that are just baseline to a woman your age—having a career, a dash of genuine self-confidence and chivalry, being able to pay rent and afford dinner at a nice restaurant, not "freaking out" when life gets momentarily challenging—seem almost superhuman to someone living with roommates, figuring out what they want, etc.

 

Feeling superhuman is, of course, fun! But it can all be a bit of a shortcut to intimacy and vulnerability, or a shadow of true intimacy and vulnerability. Given that it's unlikely a woman in her early 20s can really "see" a man in his early 30s, it's worth asking if being the source of insecure adoration ("You're too good for me") as well as the reliable problem solver (taking care of apartment, "teaching" someone how to manage friends) isn't a way to avoid looking inward.

 

Again, I mean this with zero disrespect of judgement. I've got 6 years on you, and have a similar pattern, one I'm a year into working to untangle in therapy because I've realized it's not really serving my highest needs. I'm also curious to hear why itsallgrand has reservations—wonder if some of the above is at play—because I've certainly noticed the barely suppressed eye roll when I tell women in their 30s that my last gf was 25.

Great insight, thank you. I don't take anything you've said as judgment.

I must admit, up until recently (well the last time I saw her) I did feel that quick hit of infatuation. It's hard not to enjoy it, and it's certainly something I've not experienced in a long time. Because I've got myself together (successful career, good prospects, my own home, great family & upbringing, quality long term friends and genuine self confidence), I have found that she's more receptive of that. Even small things, like buying her flowers on the last day of her job, were greeted with surprise (hence the you're too good to me comment). We've had the conversation previously whereby she's stated outright that I'm gentleman, and that she hasn't dated someone like me before. I also feel like I've been "showed off" to her friends and family of late, who have been nothing but complimentary.

That being said, with all the positives I believe possess (that's not meant to sound arrogant btw), why am I measuring myself on the response time of a text message? Or over thinking as to why she's not read a message from 4 hours ago? I'ts completely absurd.

Just a short update, just got off the phone with my girl who seems genuinely relieved to be back home. She called me, after a few messages earlier. All was well, albeit she's said that I may be annoyed with her as she's made plans with her friends (who she spent all weekend with) and couldn't see me. It's quite a cool trip as it goes, their going sailing with a big group of them. I've actually got some big plans this weekend as I'm at a music festival Friday / Saturday so I could have only seen her Sunday anyway.

Whilst i'm not annoyed, i'd have liked to have thought she'd of at least considered what I was doing before booking something else? Or am i being irrational? I of course want her to enjoy an active social life, but I'm trying to see where I'd fit in. Then again, we hadn't made any plans.

3 weeks on, and I thought i'd put more thoughts to iPad.

I've since visited my girl twice on two weekends - one on the noted previously, the other a long weekend where I was introduced to her grandparents. We are typically seeing each other every other weekend.

I'm just getting really mix signals about it all. On one hand, I'm being invited to spend time with her extend family and grandparents, be it their summer house on the coast or dinners as a group, or even just drinks at local with her parents. On the other, she's talking of a 1/4 life crisis and isn't sure if she wants to buy a house / teacher abroad / travel. She's also been less and less communicative. We both have active work and social lives, but we seem to be in a window of only sending a couple of texts a day late before bed.

I just can't seem to see the wood through the trees.