How do I settle undisclosed drama to my close friend? I still want to be friends

Disclaimer: Lots of Drama

Ive been friends with my friend Alice for the past 7 years, which is one of the longer friendships I have.

We're very close to this day, but a few years ago we were on a spring break vacation with a bunch of friends, during which we had a short fallout which happened because I messed up, which involved me messaging her boyfriend (we all started off as close friends, although it doesn't excuse my actions) that I was upset at how she was treating me. I had this thing going with this other guy, who was also on the trip, and although I was initially interested in him, I quickly lost interest because he came on too strong, but Alice would try to pressure me to be nicer to him and tell me how I wasn't treating him right, even though she never bothered to ask how I felt about the whole ordeal. Anyways in the whole drama, I felt very hurt by the way she was reacting to the whole thing and by the fact that she was taking his side, even though she was meant to be my friend first. I remember messaging her boyfriend, "I really love her, but I dont understand why she is being so pushy and angry at me. I wish she would try to be on my side". It was an honest mistake, I could have messaged anybody else, and I know it doesn't sound believable but I didnt message him specifically with the intent of coming on to him. He was just one of my closest friends who I thought would understand me. And he did, because he said that he understood where I was coming from and was sympathetic to my situation.

Anyways long story short, he showed her the messages with the intent of telling her that I was very upset about the whole thing, but Alice got mad at me and her boyfriend thinking that I talked to her boyfriend behind her back and (pardon my language) ed about her.

I know I messed up and I apologised to her profusely, telling her that I would have messaged anyone, that it wasn't directed with the intent that she thought I did.

But she didnt listen to me, and barely accepted my apologies and ghosted me for a few weeks. Which was really difficult considering that we lived in a dormitory together and shared the same friend circle and were very close friends.

I understand her sensitivity to the issue because three years before the incident, her boyfriend used to like me for a very very short time during the initial stages of them getting together (I know it sounds stupid but they started off as a bit of a joke) (he didnt even actually like me, she just thought he did) and it was something that had bothered her back then. And during our fight she would bring that up, and tell me things like, "I kept telling you to not talk to him for the past three years and you never listened to me" which I felt like was extremely unfair of her to say, because firstly I had no recollection of the memory of her telling me to not talk to him, and if she had, I would have respected her feelings and not have talked to him, and secondly how could she expect me to completely stop talking to someone who I used to be so close to? He was also my friend.

Anyways because of the this incident alot of my friends (also her friends) did not talk to me as much during that time, or would tell me that I had messed up a lot.

I understood that I had, but I couldn't see why it was as serious as it was, because she knew me so well, and that I would never try to get in between her boyfriend and her.

We eventually made up, but it was after weeks of me feeing extreme guilt and shame and hurt and loneliness, which acts as a bit of a trauma for me even till today. She never came up to me to properly talk about it or to tell me that she forgave me. When we finally made up she said, "Oh yeah, I forgave you ages ago". But that few weeks in which I spent a lot of time alone was painful for me, and I wish she had come up to me first. But we had always been such close friends and we went back to normal soon enough.

But certain things about the incident come back to from time to time. I know that initially I was the one who had hurt her and that I messed up, but I still remember the things she had said to me during that time. Theres a lot more back story to the whole thing, and the whole thing was very complicated, as you can see. But I know that she's very insecure when it comes to relationships (her first boyfriend cheated on her) and that I should have kept that in mind before I messed up like that. But she knew me so well, and she knew that I never would have wanted to hurt her on purpose. Im know that I'm not innocent and I know that I made a big mistake. But when I look back on the whole incident, I feel like I payed the price for a lot more than it was, because it only took her a few days for her to take her boyfriend back and many weeks for us to be okay. When I talk with my other friends they also tell me that her insecurities and personal issues made her react a lot more and that I had to handle a lot more than I should have had to. It stops me from being fully comfortable with her till today, and while I think it doesn't affect her anymore, it stands as a bit of superiority complex for me, where I feel the constant need to be at the right when I interact with her.

I know this whole event was extremely dramatic, and it happened when we were in still in school and we were young and dramatic, so it seems a lil over the top, but does anybody else have incidents where they never really got to settle things to satisfaction with their close friends or have undisclosed scars with close people? And how did you settle the issue? Im going to see her again after a long year and I want to settle things once and for all. I would really really appreciate all your wisdom and advice :) Thanks for taking the time to read this!

If a genuine conversation is not on the table with her then there's not much you can do. It's not your fault that she's holding a grudge about this (which isn't all that bad) after so many years and that she can't move on from it. You apologised and did what you could. If she doesn't do her part then there's no much you can do about it.

Some friendships change with time and while we get close to some people, we distance ourselves from others.

Yeah, lots of drama. If you were guys, you'd duke it out and then never mention it again. The next time you get drunk with Alice, tell her you're sorry again, she'll say she's forgiven you, you can hug and cry and do the typical female bonding, and then put it behind you.

You have to learn that triangulation is not right and never works. It backfires.

You need to settle your own battles. How hard would have it been to say "Alice, i know you want the best for me and you like that guy as a friend, but i am not interested in him. he came on too strong and creeped me out. would you please stop encouraging him?" Triangulation = going to a third party and say something that will provoke them to intercede on your behalf. Of course, with a message like that, he is not only going to show it to Alice, but he is going to try to get some resolution. He is Alice's boyfriend first, and your acquaintance, classmate or friend second. His primary loyalty is to her.

SO -- learn to express your own feelings. you were too concerned about Alice's feelings to tell her the truth and too concerned about the guy's feelings for not telling him to back off