Head in a spin

My ex-husband, Noel, & I got together under non-standard circumstances. We met on holiday & had a brief but intense romance. We were 19 & 21 & neither of us had any intention of seeing the other after we returned home, but we did exchange emails so we could share holiday photos and such.

However, after we got home, I found out I was pregnant. I didn't think he would be at all interested, but thought he deserved to know as I intended to keep the baby, so I sent him an email. Much to my surprise he turned out to be supportive, caring & very mature. He stuck by me through a very difficult pregnancy & eventually I moved to London to live with him & we got married just before our son turned 1.

We were happy, but I would never say we were in love. We struggled on for over 3 years, but by then it was apparent that although we cared for one another & loved our son, we were not meant for each other. We both agreed we'd be better off apart, but co-parenting our son. After a trial seperation proved that we got on a lot better not living together, we filed for divorce.

However, the day our divorce was finalised we ended up having conselation drinks with each other, got very drunk & slept together (for the first time in nearly 2 years). This resulted in our youngest son. Despite the surprise pregnancy, we decided to stay apart as it was working so much better.

Noel is a fantastic father to both children! He sees them most days, has them to stay at least 2 nights a week, goes to every sports game, dance practice & is flexible with them. We also make brilliant co-parents, pulling equal share, helping each other out & our children are very happy & well adjusted.

My relationship with Noel often surprises people as we get on so well. We have not fought once since the divorce, we agree on almost everything & actually spend a fair amount of time together with the kids, so they can have us both at the same time.

He has dated a little, nothing very serious, but he is very devoted to his work as a vet & our children, so it doesnt surprise me. I didn't really bother with guys as I was busy with the children, my career & life in general.

Until I met Pete. Completely by accident whilst walking the dog one evening. We got talking, went to the pub, a few more dates & the rest is history. He was sweet, kind, funny & hard working. He had no problem with my situation as he said he had always wanted children. I waited 6 months before introducing him to (first Noel then) the boys & another 18months before he moved in with us. I was very much in love, like Id never felt before.

The kids adored him & he loved them instantly. Noel even liked him, as he was respectful of his role & never over stepped, yet treated the kids as his own, helping them out, supporting them & being a good role model.

Everything went well for a year after he moved in, until last Spring.

We hadn't been planning anything just yet, but we had spoken about expanding the family some day as Pete was keen to have his own children & I was open to the idea (despite my 2 now being 13 & 8), so I was very excited when I found out I was pregnant again. I planned a private dinner the next evening to tell Pete the good news, but it didn't go as I expected.

Instead of being equally happy, Pete lost it! Completely out of the blue, he seemed angry & panicked! He started shouting at me & accused me of cheating on him!!! Only a few weeks before we had celebrated our 3rd anniversary & he'd told me how much he wanted to marry me & have more kids. He had never mentioned that he thought I was unfaithful (which I never have been to anyone, let alone him) or brought up any issues. I thought we were happy & the pregnancy would be good news, but instead he stormed out.

I called Noel & asked him to keep the boys an extra night as I thought he would calm down & come back to talk, but he never did. He wouldn't take my calls, answer texts, I didn't even know where he had gone until his best friend came round to the house A WEEK LATER to collect his things!! The friend sat down to talk to me & said he had no idea where it had all come from as he too thought Pete was happy with us. Eventually the friend convinced Pete to meet me & talk but it didn't go well. He just accused me again, said he didn't want anything to do with us anymore, but gave no evidence or even reason!

I was heart broken. I couldn't understand what was happening.

The months went on with little to no contact. I told him about dr. appointments & times I ended up in hospital (due to the dabilitating condition that made my other pregnancies difficult), but he never showed up to anything.

Noel helped me explain to the children that Pete had gone & that I was having a baby, but they found it all very difficult. We have tried to support them, but my youngest especially is very upset.

Noel infact stepped up in so many ways. Throughout my pregnancy he took care of the kids more often, took them at a moments notice if I needed a break. But he also took care of me. He just turned up at my first ultrasound without me asking because he suspected Pete wouldnt & didn't want me to be alone, then he came with me to all my appointments, even spent time with me during my stays in hospital when the kids were at school & he wasnt needed at work. He even spent the evening at the house several times, cooking for us, putting the kids to bed then helping me with things before sleeping in my spare room on the awful sofabed!

When the time came for my daughter to be born, I called Pete. He said he had no intention of being there, but did want a DNA test done "to prove he wasnt the father so I would stop bothering him". I had to have an emergency c-section with my best friend at my side instead & Noel was the next person I saw when he brought the boys in to meet their baby sister. I was happy to finally have my daughter in my arms, but still heart broken that she didn't have her father there. And I had no real explaination for why if she was ever to ask.

Pete had the DNA test done & it proved me right, she was his daughter. But it didn't help, just made things worse! He still didn't want anything to do with me or my boys (whom he has never even spoken to or messaged since he walked out, which has left them bewildered) but now he wants sole custody of our daughter, so I will have to go to court, which is a nightmare. I have no doubt that he will be denied sole custody as he hasnt even been to meet her yet & shes now over 2months old!!

As for Noel, he has been amazing. Without me saying a word, he has basically been my rock. He offered to stay with us for a week or so after she was born, to help out whilst I recovered from the surgery & got into the new routine, help with the boys so they didn't feel left out & give me the occassional oppotunity to sleep. After life calmed back down I expected him to leave & go back to the normal routine, but he hasnt left. He is doing a full time job, taking care of our boys, taking care of me as Im still not 100% & helping out with my daughter. He is doing all the things he did with our boys - except he isnt offering to change nappies, but I did notice he did one the second night home whilst I was asleep on painkillers & he was caring for her. He prepares her bottles for me sometimes, takes her out in her pram when he takes the boys to the park so I can have a rest, even rocks her to sleep & cuddles her whilst he's watching TV in the evenings if Im cooking or sorting the boys. He goes as far as to encourage the boys to interact with her & helps them hold her, etc.

I must admit I have kind of let this go on longer than it should because I have been so exhausted & glad of the help, but last night we were sat up after all the kids were asleep & I asked him when he wanted to go home & get back to his life. He said he didn't want to. He said he was enjoying how we were as a "rather unconventional little family again". He said that as odd as it was, he was content to stay, happy to take care of my daughter as his own & he wanted to see if our relationship was salvagable. He said having gone through everything with me over the last year he had realised how much he loved me, how much he had misssed out on & that he'd not been as happy as he was right then.

I don't know if its the sleep deprivation or the hormones, but I feel like he has hit me with a train! Im so shocked that he feels this way.

Ive often wondered what it would have been like if we hadn't given up. I definitely still care for him & I have always loved him in one way or another. He has proved to me time and again over the last 14 years what a wonderful human being he is.

But Im also still reeling from the end of my relationship with Pete & now have a battle ahead with him.

Noel wants to "take it slow" not make any decisions until we know what will happen with custody of my daughter & he just wants to see how things develop.

I have NO IDEA how to react to all this. I don't know if this is the worst idea in history & we will just go back to resenting each other like we did 10years ago & end up upsetting the kids even more if we try & it doesn't work. Or if it actually makes sense because we have matured, we work so well together, I know I can rely on him to be there, to love all of us, because we have so much history & I know he means what he says because he isn't one to just jump into decisions & he has no responsibility to my daughter at all, so if he walked away & went back to just loving our sons that would be perfectly normal!

My head is spinning! Any advice would help right now!

Thank you in advance.

I'm not clear on why you an Noel broke up originally, but certainly 10 years later you're both more mature and you have two kids in common and you both know and respect each other. And he's going to be a great father to your daughter. So I don't know why your head is spinning. Accept his help and his love. A lot of relationships have been built on far less than this.

Also keep in mind that there are many different levels of love and that the pulse-pounding, heart beating, head swimming kind of love gives way to a more mature, more steady kind of love, which it seems that you have with Noel.

As for Pete, he must have been hiding his jealousy of Noel being around and it just exploded when you told him your were pregnant. I hope you have a lawyer or a solicitor that can help you through the legal challenge. You want to limit Pete's access to his daughter as much as possible while demanding as much child care money from him as possible. He might think he'll be able to convince a judge that by having Noel around you had some sort of bigamous relationship going on. You want to make him look ridiculous in court.

Hopefully everything will work out for you and Noel.

Hey Tegan, well first of all congratulations on the beautiful baby girl and I am so sorry that Pete did those horrible things to you! Honestly he sounds very mentally unstable and I even wonder if he had been cheating on you himself and wanted to leave you and he got mad that you got pregnant because that made him trapped. Or whether as the previous poster mentioned, Pete was insanely jealous of Noel and of him spending so much time with you and the kids. Now that he's realised it's his daughter, maybe he doesn't want Noel around her and that's why Pete wants sole custody of the baby.

I know the previous poster recommended that you get back together with Noel and that certainly does seem like the easiest option. However, I would just like to present a different perspective. I personally don't think you should rush into a serious relationship with him until you figure out how you truly feel about Noel. He does sound like a wonderful person and like he really loves you and the children but I think you need to think about whether you do really love him as a partner and not just a friend.

From your overall post it doesn't really sound to me like you love Noel romantically.

"We were happy, but I would never say we were in love. We struggled on for over 3 years, but by then it was apparent that although we cared for one another & loved our son, we were not meant for each other". I think this is how you felt about Noel back then and you didn't even have sex with him for two years until you both got really drunk. Doesn't sound to me like you were that into him if you didn't even want to have sex with him sober! Now it's been thirteen years since and Noel has been there for you endlessly the whole time. Yet you did not get back together with him, surely that was for a reason? In fact you say you were very in love with Pete and wanted to settle down with him, not Noel.

I think you're in a very low place right now, you are still grieving your breakup and probably very tired and a bit hormonal after the pregnancy. I would not be making any rash decisions about Noel if I was you. I think from your post it sounds like you care for Noel as a best friend but he actually loves you romantically. If you don't love him in that way I don't think you should lead him on.