Concerned about a brother addicted to drugs

Hi, i'm new to the forum so I wanted to say hi to everyone and I was wondering if you could help me/us or if anyone has any experience.

Background

- My younger brother is addicted to drugs. He started smoking weed at the age of 14, and he's now also doing cocaine and xanax as well.

- My brothers been stopped by police a few times for dangerous driving and possession (when he was younger my parents were informed about it). A few months ago he didn't come home and I found out he was pulled over for driving under the influence of benzos, alcohol and Class A. Along with possession charges. He found his own lawyer and gout out the charged himself, he didn't tell anyone in the house what happened.

- My dad used to smoke weed, he smokes with my brother and even buys him some even though i told him it wasn't sensible. We found out after that my brother swaps these for Class A drugs. My brother now smokes week around the house all the time, if he doesn't smoke he's in a horrible mood

- I have always had an idea what my brother is like and I tried to act on it 2 years ago and my brother would ignore and and shout at me and convince my parents that I had it against him (they believed him).

- We have gone on family holidays for 4/5 days to places where he can't get any drugs at all and you can tell the affect the withdrawal has on him (especially towards the end).

The car:

- My parents brought my brother a car 4 years ago: he takes it to university, he runs away with it when he's in trouble, he uses it to buy drugs, he drives high and drunk with blackouts and I think he's at risk or killing himself or someone else with how reckless he is with it. I couldn't live with myself if something happened to him or he got put in prison.

- He's been very possessive about the car, no-one else including my parents or myself can drive it. I remember 2 years ago, I took it to the gym when he was sleeping, he took another car followed me and tried to physically fight me to give him the key back - my parents told me it's my fault for taking his car and trying to ask him to share.

Current Situation

My brothers friends approached me last week and they opened my eyes to the true extent of his addiction:

- He gets high on weed everyday, cocaine every few hours, drives around for hours in the evening looking for Xanax. They opened up about his violent history and the types of people he associates with

- I finally stood up to my parents and told them to take control of the situation because it's not okay. I told them to take his car away unless my brother agrees to go to rehab. My brother got abusive and denied it and he left the house. He came back a few days later and he just shouts at my parents and he's ignoring me.

- He's refusing to go to university without a car (when no other students at his uni has a car) but he doesn't go to lectures anyway.

- My dad wants to give the car back because he's shown to be clean for 4 days (which is nothing considering he always get back on to it) and both my parents feel guilty they've taken it away form him (they don't really say no to us about anything).

I'm really scared that by giving the car back it will prove to my brother that he can continue to be abuse drugs and my parents and me and he will be able to get what he wants. I think by having the car they can keep talking to him and push him to get an intervention and try rehab.

What do you think? Should I stay out of it and let my parents deal with it, should they feel bad about not giving him the car. I'm so lost and it's breaking the family apart.

I appreciate your feedback.

Well, I think you have a good grasp of the situation and what needs to be done. Your parents are enabling your brother by not taking away his car and forcing him into rehab. And you know how this is going to wind up. Your brother is going to ruin his life and his health and he's eventually going to wind up dead.

I'm guessing you're a teenager so I don't know how much you can do. You've got to keep pressuring your parents to do something. They might even need to throw him out of the house until he's clean. Keep pushing them to do something.

There isn't anything you can do about it. None of this is your choice. All you can do is be clear with your brother and your parents that you are deeply worried for his safety. And then all you can do is distance yourself from his upsetting behavior. Don't keep digging into his life and getting into with your folks. Give yourself space. It' so hard to have a self destructive person in your close family but the only thing you can do is take care of yourself and that often means disengaging from that person and whatever issues they bring up in the rest of the family.

Do you live with your parents?

There isn't anything you can do about it. None of this is your choice. All you can do is be clear with your brother and your parents that you are deeply worried for his safety. And then all you can do is distance yourself from his upsetting behavior. Don't keep digging into his life and getting into with your folks. Give yourself space. It' so hard to have a self destructive person in your close family but the only thing you can do is take care of yourself and that often means disengaging from that person and whatever issues they bring up in the rest of the family.

 

Do you live with your parents?

Thank you for your response. I do live with my parents and my brother (when he's not at university).

Pushing my parents to take his car away worked last week when I could prove to them the extent of his addiction. I also told them they need to stop giving him money (he used to spend thousands a month).

My dad was against taking the car away, but I stayed strong about how they needed to take control and responsibility. My dad now wants to give in and give the car back because he can't handle the way my brother is acting and he feels bad. He's shown negative for cocaine and benzos and they believe that he's going to stop (maybe they're in denial). He's told my parents that he has stopped in the past even when they have found cocaine in his room recently. They have always just turned a blind eye to his addiction.

I couldn't live with myself if they give him the car back and he gets into an accident, hurts someone else or get put in prison. And I know by giving the car back he'll just run off to university and go back into the cycle of drugs and nothing will change.

 

I couldn't live with myself if they give him the car back and he gets into an accident, hurts someone else or get put in prison. And I know by giving the car back he'll just run off to university and go back into the cycle of drugs and nothing will change.

But that's the thing. YOU don't get a say. It's your parents job. And at the end of the day they can't stop him either. You getting in the middle of it only stresses you out. This isn't a role you should be playing. Do you have plans to move out?

Your bother will only change when he wants to change. The only thing you can do is let them know how you feel and then disengage. He's an adult. He will make his own choices. You can't fix him through force of will. The only thing you can do is take care of yourself and make space from self destructive people. Even if they are family. You can let him know that you are there if/when he wants help getting his life together. But there is nothing else you can do.

Meet with your local police and give them the story and the specs on the car. Then alert them when you see brother getting into the car high. The rest is out of your hands.