My ex cheated, and then left during my cancer scare and I want her back.

I met my ex a year ago. I was amazingly attracted to her and I wooed her. She was going through a tough time, and her dad had had a heart attack. It brought us very close very quickly. We spent lots of time together having fun, and we went away on a little holiday that I'd paid for. It was wonderful. About 4 months into the relationship. She was going on holiday with the girls. She is a terrible drunk, and is also suffering with a mild form of bipolar. Anyway. I rang her every day while she was there. She was saying how she was so happy she wasn't single, and how much she missed me and being held by me... Anyway 5 days into this holiday. She rang me and told me "I'm so sorry, I think I've done something I shouldn't, and I was drunk so I don't remember it..." I was upset and I told her that I would speak to her when she got home. And to not do anything like that again... The morning after. I tried to call again. And no answer. I got a call from one of her friends... It turned out she'd been with a different guy each night of the holiday. She'd even had a guy in her bed the first night. It turned out while her friends were at the pool, she had been ing one of the guys that her friend was with. And they caught them at it. And they'd fallen out with her..... She called me and seemed miles away. Crying and stuff. I booked her a flight home early. And she came home. We talked and she told me she wouldn't go back to drinking... And that she wanted to move in. And that she loved me.... Then for 3 months we had the best relationship ever. She moved in and we got a little dog and were very happy. We started doing up the house and planning for the future....... 3 months ago I found a lump. In my stomach. I went to see the doctors and they sent me for tests.... I didn't want to worry her so I kept things quiet. They told me I had a tumor, and it maybe cancerous. I was destroyed. I didn't know what to do or say. I didn't know how to feel, and who to talk to apart from one friend who was going through an even worse time than me..... So I kept it quiet..... During this time I became paranoid, with no confidence, with no passion and had times of being angry, or being cold...... She left. One night when I brought up the past again. When I brought up that I'd stuck by her. She hated to remember what she had done.... And she went. I asked for forgiveness for how I'd been. Asked her to tell me she loved me.... And all she could say was "I don't know"..... This made my insecurities even worse. She left. 2 weeks after this, I told her about the cancer scare. She said she would be there for me, she wasn't. She told me she'd come round with supplies after my operation, she didn't... And within a week of us splitting, she was back drinking and seeing some guy 15 years younger than me, who works in a bar, and walks dogs for a living. He is even more of a walk over than I was..... She's now got her own place. But I have the dog. She is "seeing" this new guy. I'm now over the cancer business. And I'm all clear!!! But she sees me every week, to pass the dog over, she's jealous of me seeing other people, she has twice now invited me over when "the little boy" isn't there. There has been sparks. And even a little kiss. But each time this happens... She goes cold again. And back to the little boy. (even though she says he isn't her boyfriend)..... I don't know why I love her. And this probably sounds like the most pathetic thing ever. I know, but I see something special in her. I've had such a rough time. And I just want her back to being that person who loved me and moved in with me again....

Congratulations on beating the cancer

I know it's difficult, but she is unreliable.

You would be setting yourself up for a lifetime of disappointment with her,

and wasting precious time when you could be healing and finding a girl who is respectful of you.

This girl has no respect for herself. All she has to offer is drama and trust issues for you.

Surely you realize you can do better than this.

Congratulations on beating the cancer

 

I know it's difficult, but she is unreliable.

You would be setting yourself up for a lifetime of disappointment with her,

and wasting precious time when you could be healing and finding a girl who is respectful of you.

This girl has no respect for herself. All she has to offer is drama and trust issues for you.

Surely you realize you can do better than this.

Thank you. Yeh it's been so hard. I wanted to tell her at the time, but I couldn't. She likes to bring up this all the time, and make me look like the bad guy. But yet she won't let me go either. She keeps me on a string for when she's lonely, or she thinks about things. Or when her rebound isn't there... I'm in such a low place I've even contemplated suicide lately. It feels like her problems will always override mine. And it wasn't working together. It was working for her. Making her secure. Making her happy. As soon as I needed someone to be an adult and realise that I needed help. She froze me out. But if she doesn't love me, and she does want this new guy, Then surely she should leave me alone. And go live her new life.

Also, do I stop sharing the dog with her and go no contact? Seeing her twice a week could reignite flames... But it could also make it worse for me if she carries this on..

Thank you. Yeh it's been so hard. I wanted to tell her at the time, but I couldn't. She likes to bring up this all the time, and make me look like the bad guy. But yet she won't let me go either. She keeps me on a string for when she's lonely, or she thinks about things. Or when her rebound isn't there... I'm in such a low place I've even contemplated suicide lately. It feels like her problems will always override mine. And it wasn't working together. It was working for her. Making her secure. Making her happy. As soon as I needed someone to be an adult and realise that I needed help. She froze me out. But if she doesn't love me, and she does want this new guy, Then surely she should leave me alone. And go live her new life.

You can't control her actions, but you are in control of your own.

Do not allow her to do this to you. It's selfish and manipulative.

And you beat cancer! It's your new lease on life. I empathize with

how you feel, but no one is worth your life. This will pass.

Death is irreversible, sweetie. And while yours would be over, hers would continue.

Please if you're feeling this way contact a professional and get yourself strong.

I know how it feels to be knocked down. My daughters dad (he's an ex) is a diagnosed narcissist, and he had turned

my life into a complete living hell for me and my daughter. I've learned to deal with his manipulation, but it takes a great

deal of strength. While I don't have the ability to cut ties yet(hoping only two more years), you have the ability to walk away from this , even though it hurts right now.

Find that inner strength to rise above this, above her. Believe in yourself.

And you're right, she isn't loving you. Maybe the idea of you, but not you.

I think she maybe a bit of a covert narcissist. I've decided to go NC today. Waiting for the backlash. She will make out she needs the dog in her life (even though she's spent every weekend with her new boy and his dog for the last 2 months and I've known nothing of it. But I need to get away from this. I'm waiting for 100000 calls and texts and maybe even her coming round to knock on the door. But I'm just going to have to fight through it. Hopefully friends and family will stick by me. I've been through so much. She's just worried about how it's affected her.

I think she maybe a bit of a covert narcissist. I've decided to go NC today. Waiting for the backlash. She will make out she needs the dog in her life (even though she's spent every weekend with her new boy and his dog for the last 2 months and I've known nothing of it. But I need to get away from this. I'm waiting for 100000 calls and texts and maybe even her coming round to knock on the door. But I'm just going to have to fight through it. Hopefully friends and family will stick by me. I've been through so much. She's just worried about how it's affected her.

You said it! She's worried about her--- not you.

Be strong and lean on friends and family.

You are not her backup. Stand your ground here.

It's been another few days. I had an episode myself. And I lied to her.... I just wanted her to feel some emotion.... I know I've done wrong, and now she hates me, she says it's down to me she's losing her job, her bipolar is through the roof and she's gone from wanting to be a law clerk, to now wanting to make lingerie and open a shop, she's started selling nudes of herself online again..... I'm on medication, and therapy, she knows about this, and just says she will never trust me again. I'm destroyed. I've lost everything. I've lost my dignity, my relationship, my health, some friends and I feel pathetic....... I've gone NC now for a couple of days, she called me yesterday twice after saying "don't contact me again"... I need to break away don't I... It's horrible because I loved her so much... And I've been so ed up and weak :(

Good grief, Viper.....Stay NC and go get some professional help. Soon.

Congratulations on beating cancer. Two year survivor here myself.

It's hard to NOT want what we thought we had even when someone does us ty! I know how you feel, I really do.

I am planning to go to counseling after the holidays and I encourage you to do the same. Cancer by itself can cause a lot of mental anguish and I got counseling during my treatment. It really helped. See if your treatment facility has palliative care. They will listen to you talk about anything and offer practical advice and encouragement.

You are in my thoughts and prayers!

You deserve better.

While you have lost "your relationship," you lost one that wasn't there. Her stringing you along while she was with other people was not healthy for you.

Which friends did you lose and why?

How did you lose your dignity?

How did you lose your health?

Update, it's over a month later. I've been NC for a while now. Probably about a month. I still miss her from time to time, but I realise I miss a perception of her, a false reality. The person she pretended to be at the beginning... The last I heard from her was actually a really ty message about 2am, saying "I can't sleep, and I'm now even wondering if you actually own your own house."

I do... And what a bloody weird message to send.. Was that so important? Was that what she was actually after???

What I have found strange is that she now seems to post very similar things online to what she posted about me, about the new guy, and has actually even taken him to the place she took me on my birthday last September... Hahaha.

I have very recently met a new girl. She's lovely. She's kind. She has loads in common with me. She asks me to do things, she listens.... And it's "easy"... So easy...

She said something to me the other day. She said "sometimes you don't actually know your ex until you split up with them, you only know what they wanted you to see, it's when they go you see them truly, if they leave you with a good thought or with compassion and care, that's who they are... If they play games and mess you around and push and pull, that's the person they always were, and probably how everyone outside the relationship sees them too"

I do still have a bit of a feeling for my ex, but it's mainly annoyance. It's mainly a thought of how could someone be like that... I think she may actually be a narcissist. She has all the symptoms..

Anyway. I'm going to see how things go with this new girl. I'm also kinda hoping to god that my ex doesn't get in touch again...

Onwards and upwards xxx

Block the ex from contacting you and then enjoy spending time with the new woman. Don't allow the ex to bring any toxicity into your life. Plus, block her out of respect for the new woman; I don't think you'd like anyone you're involved with to be continuing to communicate with their ex.