Advice on ex girlfriend & her family

Hello all

This is my first post on here and I will try to include everything and be as open as possible.

Me and my ex work together, and we met after 3 years of attraction (unknown to each other all this time) until it seemed the perfect timing that I asked her for a date and she accepted. We hit it off so naturally, both being quite grumpy pessimistic people who have trust issues and find it hard opening up it seemed like it could be amazing or disastrous. It was amazing. Genuinely the best year of my life, full of adventures and laughs and plans for the future. Anyway, I managed to make a huge up at new years eve last year when meeting her sister and her boyfriend. I got beyond drunk and began to talk about her in a disgusting way, in ways ive never ever said or thought about her sober, it was so strange. I cannot remember even doing it but it happened and I cant take it back. Her family said that I had to leave her life and we could not be together, but she fought for me and we stayed close but she just stayed at mine I couldnt go to hers. Her family gained trust for me again and as the months went by, the happier I made her and the happier we were it was great. Her mum even came round to the idea of her moving out and said she would help her with things. We planned to move in together in March 2018. My year was going great, but underlying is an issue I have with money and spent inheritance and it eats me up inside. When august came everything was too much for me and I made a decision to break up with her that I regret with every ounce of me. I had the guilt of all this money and my debt problems mixed with the fact I hated work as I was made to feel like everyday, I had my dad who lives 400 miles away who said move near me and I will buy you a place and you can pay me rent on it. He also found me 2 options for work. I had so many thoughts and options I didnt know what to do. My girlfriend stayed round all weekend as she always did and on sunday before she left she noticed I wasnt right and asked. I opened up and said I dont know what to do, Ive got a big life decision to make and I feel so much pressure its making my head want to explode. She told me she would be there for me no matter what and I said i needed a few days to sort out what I wanted. She text me the next day saying come over to my house because she was worried, I hadnt had anytime to think about anything and was still in this horrible mindset. I ended it with her and I cannot explain why I just thought maybe she would be better off without all my and drama and issues. The irony being is her family have their issues and she is the least judgemental person going. I regretted the decision instantly and it was surreal.

After the break up we continued to talk every day, she knew deep down I made a massive mistake from a place of mental incapacity. I wouldnt have been able to write a decent letter let alone a decision on two peoples relationship. Anyway, her mum and sister are so close to her and saw her so upset and now they cannot stand me. I get that they cannot stand me but it has reached the point where they are saying to her its us or him. Shes recently turned 21 im 23 and I keep thinking that it is her decision but she explains that she thinks she will 'lose' her family over it all. Its been 3 months and we regularly tell each other how we feel and how deep our feelings are. She was and still is my best friend and I am hers. We are introverted and were so used to being alone then when we met it honestly felt like it was meant to happen, in that way at that time with that person. I am now stuck in a cycle where her family keep finding her messaging me on her phone and keep fighting with her about it. She tells me she loves me and she wishes more than anything it could be different. She sees me for who I am and not that decision that I made from a dark place.

I need advice on getting my best friend back. She tells me she cannot live without me in her life, but as for now we are just in contact on FB chat and whilst I am happy that we are still talking about anything and everything, I crave it to get back to normal. I have break ups before for all manner of reasons, but none like this. This is making me not want to wake up in the morning, ive lost motivation for everything and I struggle to see reasons to carry on. She told me monday she doesnt want to give up on us and that her feelings havent faded one bit, I regain hope then saturday comes and her family have found her messaging me so she says she doesnt know what to do. I told her I will give her space and not message her first, so her family can have their wish if its what they want for her.

I guess what I really want to know is how fine the line is between giving up and no contact. I feel like no contact might work to make her contact me as it has done in the past, but I cant give up on this. Her sister says she doesnt hate me and her family seem to be less angry in their advice to her which I guess is good. I just dont know what to do, to say I feel lost and empty doesnt do this justice.

All of this is the reason why no one should discuss their relationship with their family.

Resentments get held and too many opinions and interference can ruin the relationship.

On the other hand, you are proven to be financially irresponsible, so how will you support her,

should she decide to leave her family? She risks losing everything for you, so you need to fix your life

before you can be anything to her.

Parents want what is best for their children, even as adults. Their concerns are valid.

It's up to you now to prove yourself.

Have you resolved your financial and employment issues?

I have certainly started on my journey back to whatever normality looks like. I have stopped recklessly spending money on nights out etc etc and am slowly eating away at my debts. The irony is she knew about my money problems and still wanted to stay, she never cared about money and would rather a go for a walk and watch a film than go out for a fancy meal. I've settled back into my job, ive been there 6 years and I have started back at college studying for 2 years which gives me something to focus on that doesnt involve spending money and self loathing. My money problems certainly wont disappear overnight its impossible, but I will get there month at a time.

You say prove yourself and I get that it is needed, but how? How can I make her family see?

I have certainly started on my journey back to whatever normality looks like. I have stopped recklessly spending money on nights out etc etc and am slowly eating away at my debts. The irony is she knew about my money problems and still wanted to stay, she never cared about money and would rather a go for a walk and watch a film than go out for a fancy meal. I've settled back into my job, ive been there 6 years and I have started back at college studying for 2 years which gives me something to focus on that doesnt involve spending money and self loathing. My money problems certainly wont disappear overnight its impossible, but I will get there month at a time.

 

You say prove yourself and I get that it is needed, but how? How can I make her family see?

Unfortunately they have a very biased opinion of you now.

And you aren't shining in a good light to them.

You are doing what is needed to get yourself ahead, so congrats to you for that.

In time, if you keep on the straight path and do well, they may come to terms with this.

It's hard to make them see because you can't really show them.

The only way would be to one day live together and invite them over and see you are providing their

daughter with a stable life. You be good, good things will come. Stay focused.

She is an adult, but living under their roof, which is a great deal of pressure for her.

Make it happen! I do think she's not giving up, so show her you are worth the fight.

I appreciate your advice I really do. Sorry to drag on but my last question would be what to do in the mean time about contact? I mean we spoke 5/6 days a week up until saturday then she was really off with me and she told me her family have had yet another go at her about it and again told her it's us or him. I can't keep driving a wedge between them but I genuinely don't want to lose contact and I know she doesn't. I'm just hoping she reaches out and we speak again soon even if it's just on FB

I appreciate your advice I really do. Sorry to drag on but my last question would be what to do in the mean time about contact? I mean we spoke 5/6 days a week up until saturday then she was really off with me and she told me her family have had yet another go at her about it and again told her it's us or him. I can't keep driving a wedge between them but I genuinely don't want to lose contact and I know she doesn't. I'm just hoping she reaches out and we speak again soon even if it's just on FB

They have a great deal of control over her at 21. Is there any way she can move out?

I do think she genuinely cares for you, she will get in contact.

I surely hope they don't monitor her messages? That would be really creepy.

You don't ever run into her anywhere?

She messaged me tuesday (last night) about something random and said I can't not message you it feels so weird. I basically said I thought she had given up and she said at no point has she ever given up. She said she sees a future with me in it and has hope. I feel positive about that definitely, I work with her so I see her most days just passing but she also works with her mum and her sister, which can it v awkward. I want to continue contact but I want it to be more, I guess patience is the key.

She messaged me tuesday (last night) about something random and said I can't not message you it feels so weird. I basically said I thought she had given up and she said at no point has she ever given up. She said she sees a future with me in it and has hope. I feel positive about that definitely, I work with her so I see her most days just passing but she also works with her mum and her sister, which can it v awkward. I want to continue contact but I want it to be more, I guess patience is the key.

This girl isn't going to let go.

Time and patience.

This will work out

Now has come the point I had dreaded, no contact for 6 days , which is by far the longest in the past 1 and a half years. I'm not sure whether to wait it out and see if she messages me or I message her. She wished me a good time at a wedding on thursday and that was it, I thought she might ask about it but i've got a weird feeling something over the weekend changed for her and this is truly it .

Now has come the point I had dreaded, no contact for 6 days , which is by far the longest in the past 1 and a half years. I'm not sure whether to wait it out and see if she messages me or I message her. She wished me a good time at a wedding on thursday and that was it, I thought she might ask about it but i've got a weird feeling something over the weekend changed for her and this is truly it .

Did you reply to her? Did she say that thru text, or did you talk?

I messaged her tonight asking if she was ok and we spoke back and forth for a few messages then she stopped replying. I dont know I just feel her slipping away and losing interest.

I messaged her tonight asking if she was ok and we spoke back and forth for a few messages then she stopped replying. I dont know I just feel her slipping away and losing interest.

Aww, I'm sorry

Looks like at this point it's time to pull back.

Since you do talk, it's a good idea to let her know you're going to limit contact, or NC, and tell her why.

Don't just disappear on her. Her answer to this should give you some clarity. Good luck.

She said she hasn't lost feelings and she is far from over me but she doesn't know what to do. Her mum expects her to be over me and us not to be talking. She said she is worried that nothing will change

She said she hasn't lost feelings and she is far from over me but she doesn't know what to do. Her mum expects her to be over me and us not to be talking. She said she is worried that nothing will change

I know what she's saying, but look at her actions now.

You should do as I suggested, then really focus on yourself and getting a solid plan in place.

Then make it happen. If you're able to do well on your own, and provide her a place, she just

may make the break from her family and choose you.

Just an update

So we stopped speaking and hadnt for a couple of weeks then I thought a christmas message would be harmless and just showing I care and she didnt reply. This annoyed me and I sent another the next day asking why and she said that her life freezes when we talk and she is trying to get on with her life. Friday I had a weird feeling come over me and I asked her if she had met someone, she said she has met this guy twice and he is a 'good cookie' but they arent together / sexual. Turns out this guy is also from our work and now I feel like an idiot. The saddest part is I actually feel like she is the one I am meant to be with after several relationships over the last 8/9 years.

I guess I probably know the answer to this already but I want to know what people think I should do? Ultimately I want her back but it would make it so much more difficult if they actually got together and were sexual. I have no plans to talk to her and was considering deleting her off of facebook and deleting her number but that seems petty and I kind of wanna see whats going on in her life. I have no intention of being weird or confronting the guy she is meeting up with im not one of those sorts of people, I just cant believe in just under 5 months she has completely moved on.

So what you want to do is stagnate your life waiting and hoping she changes her mind while she (and the rest of the world) go on with their lives?

What about that appeals to you?

No I guess I should've said I am much better than I was, im going out with friends more and doing well with my HNC course for work and at work im trying for a promotion at the end of the month. I guess now I just want advice on what to do with the situation with her. I am focusing on working on myself and getting myself to where I want to be in terms of work and money, I guess I should just carry on not talking to her, keep her on facebook as a friend and when I inevitably see her at work just be polite? I want to keep that spark there, she always got a weird feeling in her stomach when she saw me and I can't let that die. I just need to learn to do it subtly.