Should I fight for love or take flight?

My ex boyfriend and I have been together for 2 years and we did not have much problems (at least to me). One year into the relationship, I liked someone else and contemplated breaking up with him and he found out but we were able to work through it and he forgave me (but could not forget or move past it). But it was a particularly bad experience for him. Since then, everything I chose him everyday but I guess I have been neglecting him because of school thats why 2.5 months ago, he broke up with me. We initially took a break of 2 weeks but I pestered him cause a break without a time limit is like a breakup and he could not give me a time limit. So he broke up with me and I did NC but broke it and begged until 2 weeks ago where I met him for 2 min to wish him luck on the upcoming exams and since then NC. I am thinking of contacting him after exams which is about 3 weeks from now since he wants to focus on studies.

We parted with love because he told me that he could not and did not want to be in a relationship anymore because it took a toil on him. So I felt like I had to let him go. He felt like he was the giver in the relationship and that my happiness depended on him. Moreover, I was weighing on his mind so much that he just felt tired and wanted to focus on his studies. He felt that we were incompatible but to me, I feel that we lacked open communication and it was normal fights that couples go through. I'm not sure if the incident one year ago also hindered our relationship form progressing because we did not have time to reflect. He told me that nothing is impossible in the future when I said could we get back together and that I told him I would change but he said he could hear the change from others (we were in the same school) as sticking around would be bad for his emotionally well being. He says that a clean slate needs to be obtained overtime and I have initiated meeting him but I guess it was too premature because he said he hasn't healed and did not want to do anything that would bring him to square one. The one year he said he was holding on thinking it would work but I guess he just felt like giving up because the cons of the relationship outweighed the pros. He said if its meant to be, it will be which is something i believe too but sometimes it gets hard. He told me he has his own issues to sort out like possessiveness etc. He wants his feelings to fade away and have told me to move on because he's doing so too because of other priorities like academics. He also said we lack an emotional connection but I feel it is something we can work on.

Recently it was my birthday and he did not wish me happy birthday. I know there are no obligations but it still stung cause he told me he wanted to be friends in the future but he doesn't know how long it would take. I feel very lost.

I want to change and have been changing and making positive steps everyday but I can't get him off my mind and exams are looming and I really need to focus but I can't seem to do it. I really love him and I recognise that I might have taken him for granted and that his insecurities have resurfaced. I know we both have our own issues to sort out but I'm so confused. Should i NC or should I fight for him?

Thank you for reading. I have been trying to move forward (not move on because I really see a future for us) and I want to give it my best shot because I didn't like who I was and have been a better version of myself by being kinder to those I love. I used to think love was enough and I didn't know being in love and being in a relationship was two separate things. I guess I really have to mature and this break up was a harsh learning lesson. He's 23 and Im 21. it hurts me that he would give up but when I looked back I saw him fight so much and I really want to fight as well even though we are broken up.

A question for clarification: you say you started liking someone else a year into the relationship, but that your boyfriend found out. What happened there? What did he find out, exactly?

Thank you for your reply. That guy was my friend and my ex found out that I was telling my girl friends that maybe my guy friend was better and that I should break up with my ex. I know its bad but I did not act on it. My ex saw the texts and we talked about it. This came after I lied to him that I did not have feelings for my guy friend which on hindsight was wrong because there should be open communication but I did not know how to deal and thought those feelings would go away. Since then the guy friend and I are no longer in contact but my ex is insecure about my other guy friends which I understand. He knows I have been reassuring him and compromising but says he has to sort it out himself too.

Thank you for your reply. That guy was my friend and my ex found out that I was telling my girl friends that maybe my guy friend was better and that I should break up with my ex. I know its bad but I did not act on it. My ex saw the texts and we talked about it. This came after I lied to him that I did not have feelings for my guy friend which on hindsight was wrong because there should be open communication but I did not know how to deal and thought those feelings would go away. Since then the guy friend and I are no longer in contact but my ex is insecure about my other guy friends which I understand. He knows I have been reassuring him and compromising but says he has to sort it out himself too.

The problem is that even if you didn't act on it, you felt someone else could be a better option. That is a painful thing for your ex to have discovered, and I am sure it was always in the back of his mind. It shakes the foundation of a relationship when you feel your partner is interested in someone else.

You were correct not to act on it, of course. But it unfortunately likely changed the way your ex felt about everything, wondering why he might not have been good enough. And I wonder, were there problems in the relationship that led you to wonder about this other guy? Perhaps there is something more to that. What was it about this other guy friend that made you question if he was a better choice for you?

I guess me and my guy friend could bicker and just be like a normal friend and he had qualities that I didn't see in my ex (but overtime I did) For meant my ex, we met, dated for 2 months and got together before school started so the friendship was built overtime. Friendship is of course the foundation to every relationship. So it took time to build but I acknowledge that the insecurities and worries hindered the progress as well. Basically I feel like I was very immature back then but I feel like slowly I have changed and became more ready to sacrifice. i used to think that guys are supposed to love unconditionally which took a toil on him because i had high expectations but I learnt that thats not the correct mindset. I really am a loss at what to do because at the start he loved me a lot but of course with that incident, it went downhill and the worst was that I was too preoccupied with school not to notice although he should have talked to me about it when the feelings resurfaced 1 year later.

I really am sorry but I know that sorry isn't enough. I want a second chance but I guess not everyone can get what they want. Thanks for hearing me rant. I have been reading successful reconciliation stories and it gives me hope but sometimes Im tired of hoping but without hope I think I can't continue. He believes I can change but wants to see if the change can stick in the long term rather than me desperately echoing that I can change. I know the relationship was flawed with the emotional stuff, our issues and the neglect and he said we have different expectations, priorities and goals. But I feel these are things that all boil down to communication and I would never forgive myself if I didn't give him one last best shot with everything I have although I know he might not be up for it. I guess I need a bit of guidance cause this is both our 2nd relationship. I would want to start afresh with him.

Sorry, but my opinion is one you won't want to hear. On again off again relationships don't work. The damage has been done.It's good you've learned how to better be in a relationship, but it'll be best if you take what you've learned and apply it to a new relationship when the time is right. Since you are having a hard time focusing on studies, I recommend you forego relationships right now so you can get your degree without distractions.

In the meantime, you can't be friends with an ex. It keeps you bonded to someone whose not right for you, preventing you from moving on and pursuing someone new. You should never have to fight for someone. Love is not a battle. The right person wants to be in your life and will treat you right to keep themselves there. Take care.

I understand but how about those successful reconciliation stories where couples get married even after breaking up once? Just wondering. Thank you for your reply.

I understand but how about those successful reconciliation stories where couples get married even after breaking up once? Just wondering. Thank you for your reply.

My brother and his wife are one of those couples. They dated a couple years in high school. Broke up for maybe a year or two (I can't remember exactly how long) during university, and they both dated others. Then reunited and have now been married nearly a decade and have two kids. I don't know all the personal details, but I do know when they broke up, they both spent time doing their own thing and that when they came back together, they much more ready to commit for the long haul. Theirs is a rare success story.

My best friend, on the other hand, once broke up with the man she is now married to (while they were dating) The problem is that even though they got back together, they don't seem to have ever worked on the problems that drove them apart. They still fight a lot, I know she often feels lonely in the marriage, and I strongly suspect he's got a wandering eye.

I know more couples whose on-again relationships or subsequent marriages more strongly resemble the latter example than the first, to be honest. Reconciliations can happen, but it takes a lot of effort and commitment from both parties.