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Thread: Little lies, changed behavior all of a sudden, trust issues PLS HELP

  1. #1
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    Little lies, changed behavior all of a sudden, trust issues PLS HELP

    so im in a 1y serious relationship with a very good guy and everything seemed to be fine, until 1-2 months ago. His behavior is changed and I cannot understand it. I had a 5y relationship in the past so I have experience, and he had too. We are both 25 and students. bc we are both traumatised with trust issues we have agreed from the very start to tell everything to eachother and he did as well as i did.
    So our sex life is drastically changed. He used to be all over me and now he can have days pass without touching me. When I confronted him about it he said he just doesn't feel like it and its not my fault. He also said that it is natural and he will get back at the way it used to been soon. So I respect that, I can imagine that he just has a low libido the days and its ok. The problem is its been two months, even more. And no change. I was even ok with that. On a very bad day of mine I snooped around a bit (my bad i know i couldn't help it) to find out that he watches porn regularly. I have no problem with porn I watch it too, I know he did bc he would tell me EVERY time to joke about it, to try smth new or whatever. These months that he stopped the sex he did not tell me about the porn.
    So the other day we are chilling and i ask him when was the last time he watched porn, being very cool and telling him I watched some the same afternoon and he said he has a long time to more than two weeks. I felt kind of weird and guess what: he was lying about it. I snooped again he watched porn 4 hours before that and other 4-5 times in the past week. So I ask u guys. WHY LIE ABOUT THAT??????
    It's the second lie he tells me in less than 4 days. A couple days ago he did some drugs with friends in a party (in which i wasnt invited, nor anyone i know was there), which were planned beforehand and he didnt say either. I asked him when he came home if he was on drugs he said yes, I asked why didnt he tell me when he planned it and he said stuff like oh i didnt know we were doing it i learnt it on that sec i did and stuff like that. I heard him talking on the phone about it days before the party: he thought i was sleeping. Pls notice I have no prob with drugs I do sometimes too and its smth that happens 4-5 times a y for both of us.
    So guys why is he lying all of a sudden? Should I be warned that smth else is going on? (another girl maybe?) He never did that and is too stupid but for me its ruining my trust.
    I cant say i snooped, so maybe there is a logical explanaiton im not seeing. These days there are stuff he says that just dont feel right and after these stupid things i feel bad about myself.
    Keep in mind I cannot talk to him about seeing the porn, and I told him I heard about the drugs and he denyed the conversation ever happened.

  2. #2
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    So, here's the unfortunate truth for you:
    He's not just lying to you now. He's been lying to you for a year.

    He probably got so caught up in the early parts of the relationship that maybe he didn't watch as much porn/do as many drugs, but this behavior was there long before you, and it will remain long after you.

    He lies, because he's a liar. That's what liars do.

    You've even shared with him that you'll watch porn together, that you're cool with it, yet he still lies. He lies, because he wants to watch by himself, and he enjoys the lying. Liars love to dupe people, which is what's happening here. Liars lie because the act of holding something over on someone is actually enjoyable to them.

    People on this board will tell you how horrific your snooping was. I am actually not one of those people. I think that when he have been given reason to snoop, it's actually justified, because the longer we hold out believing the lies, the longer we remain in bad relationships, and the harder it is to move on.

    Your snooping led you to uncover his lies, so now you have a choice: get into another 5 year-relationship that won't pan out, or get out now, and maintain your dignity and your sanity.

    You could even call him out on his lies. He might even confess! But he's a liar. It's who he is.

    It's like the old story of the scorpion and the frog: the scorpion can't swim across the river, so the frog says "get on my back, I'll hop us across". The scorpion says "How do you know I won't sting you?" and the frog says "Because I'm helping you, and I trust you", to which the scorpion agrees. So, they hop across the river, but just before they land, the scorpion stings, and kills, the frog. As the frog is dying, he asks the scorpion how he could go back on his word. The scorpion says "I'm a scorpion. It's my nature", and the scorpion gets to the other side of the river, while the frog dies.

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    thnx alot for ur advice
    But u are wrong at the part that he is lying to me for the whole relationship.
    The problem is that he does it now for some reason. And i cannot justify the change. Maybe i didnt make it clear enough by eng is bad sorry
    He was always telling the truth to me no matter how harsh it could be. He told me about his ex that flirted him on our vacation time (our hometowns are diff are univercity is in a diff city so he have some weeks apart in vacation). He tells me on his own every time a girl hits on him, even though i might cause a scene. He told me about having smth with a not close friend of mine (before me) that nobody knew about and was no way of me finding out, bc he thought it was the right thing to do. He never lies to his parents or his friends
    Do u understand why it is weird???

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    Maybe hes just not happy with you anymore and thats why hes now started lying to you because he doesnt know how to finish things?

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  6. #5
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    Originally Posted by PersonOne
    Maybe hes just not happy with you anymore and thats why hes now started lying to you because he doesnt know how to finish things?
    Sums it up.

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    Originally Posted by PersonOne
    Maybe hes just not happy with you anymore and thats why hes now started lying to you because he doesnt know how to finish things?
    The truth is that he spends a lot more time w his friends these days.
    But still is super emotionally cuddly with me and not distant in that way at all. I ask if he is feeling pressured and if he wants to break up and he got reaaaaallyyy sad saying that i want to break up with him got insecure so i dont think so. He is even planning a trip together in another country (would he plan smth far ahead spend money he doesnt have if he wants to break up?)

    Why to lie then again?

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    to be honest i am going through something similar myself so im probably not that best person to advice but the main advice iv received is just to ask him.. maybe he inst actually lying about anything or maybe, like people have to me maybe he just wants to keep something to himself and there actually isn't anything for you to worry about?

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    Originally Posted by Notmi
    . He told me about his ex that flirted him on our vacation time (our hometowns are diff are univercity is in a diff city so he have some weeks apart in vacation). He tells me on his own every time a girl hits on him, even though i might cause a scene. He told me about having smth with a not close friend of mine (before me) that nobody knew about and was no way of me finding out, bc he thought it was the right thing to do.
    He tells you about these women because he wants you to cause a scene. He gets off on it.

    It's called Flying Monkeys. You can google it.

    He tells you about some girl, so that you'll get upset, and you'll create a scene, and you'll become like one of the Flying Monkeys in "The Wizard of Oz", frantically screaming around him, in jealous insecurity. This accomplishes two things for him: he gets to tell you how valuable he is to other women, and he gets to feed off of your insecurity and jealousy about him.

    He's been doing this since Day 1 of your relationship; you just haven't seen it.

  10. #9
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    Originally Posted by LHGirl
    He tells you about these women because he wants you to cause a scene. He gets off on it.

    It's called Flying Monkeys. You can google it.

    He tells you about some girl, so that you'll get upset, and you'll create a scene, and you'll become like one of the Flying Monkeys in "The Wizard of Oz", frantically screaming around him, in jealous insecurity. This accomplishes two things for him: he gets to tell you how valuable he is to other women, and he gets to feed off of your insecurity and jealousy about him.

    He's been doing this since Day 1 of your relationship; you just haven't seen it.
    so what do u do in that case? He is really sweet and good with me, we rarely even fight. I cant break up like this...

  11. #10
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    Originally Posted by Notmi
    so what do u do in that case? He is really sweet and good with me, we rarely even fight. I cant break up like this...
    What you do is stay in observance.

    He's really "sweet and good" because you're on the front-end of the relationship. At the 1-year mark, you are now moving into the middle of the relationship, and his true self is coming out.

    On our first date, we send our very best representative: All shined up, cleaned, polished. Within a couple of months, we are more relaxed, we let our hair down. Soon after, we stop wearing makeup, guys stop shaving all the time, etc., and we fall into the comfort of a relaxing relationship. Our true personalities start to come out. We might get a bit angry at traffic, whereas we wouldn't have shown that on the first date. We might get frustrated with our family, which we wouldn't have shown so early. Other personality traits start to emerge, and when these include things like lies, talking about other women, etc., we need to take note.

    It's easy to be "sweet and good"; anyone can do it. Being "sweet and good", and telling the truth, and having enough respect for you to stop telling you about these other women....that's something you need to take note of.

    Look, this bothers you enough that you found enotalone, and you created a thread about it.

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