Sex Drive Vanished

Hello all,

 

First time posting here.

 

I need some opinions. I've been with my bf 3 years. I just moved in with him and recently discovered that I can't stand the idea of sex anymore. I think the reason may be some of the ways he's treated me that I just can't get over. And I don't know if I'm being unreasonable or what.

 

He doesn't have a ton of experience in sex. He was married a long time previously but claims they rarely had sex and I don't think he's had many sexual partners outside of the marriage.

 

We hit it off sexually at first because we are both into kinky stuff like Dom/Sub. He likes being dominant. I loved it at first but now think he's just selfish. Everything revolves around him getting off and sometimes I feel more like a sex toy than a person. There have been instances where he's brought me into the bedroom, removed his pants and laid down and looked at me expectantly, waiting for me to go down on him. That turns me off so much! The problem is I went along with it a lot at first because I wanted to make him happy. Now it just makes me so mad that I refuse and sometimes will give him a handjob instead. I know I should have not gone along with it when I did not feel like giving a BJ. I think that's why now I get angry at the thought of it. I can't even stand the idea of having sex with him anymore.

 

I still love him and he is good to me in many other ways. I just think he's clueless when it comes to sex and how to treat a woman. I have tried to talk about it and tell him how it made me feel when he takes me to bedroom and takes off his pants and lays there. It feels disrespectful or degrading or something especially because he's just so selfish in that department.

 

I also now don't feel right about living together before marriage but I moved in anyway. He's made it clear he's not ready for marriage anytime soon.

He has 2 kids too.

 

Part of me just wants to leave. I just don't know how it will work if I can't have sex with him but I truly don't feel like I can. I feel violated and disgusted by it. It has to be emotionally damaging to just go along with it and not speak up when I should have and let him think it was ok.

 

TL;dr boyfriend selfish in bed and I went along with things I didn't want to do and now I don't want sex with him anymore.

OMG I had the same situation with my ex boyfriend. This is perhaps the FOUNDATIONAL reason why it went South. He had an immature understanding of sexuality, respect and I was just pissed about it and didn't know, at the time, how to tackle real relationship problems.

 

I don't suggest leaving unless you don't think he can change or learn. Would he be willing to if you said it really bothers you? Remember, seemingly big conflicts can sometimes result in a lot of growth and closeness. It sounds like he might not realize things, but he sounds typically male in his lack of empathy/intuition.

Thanks for replying. Yeah I have spoken to him about it before and he's always willing to talk and work things out. He would apologize and say, "I never want you to feel disrespected. I just want to be close to you." And I know men feel closer to us through sex. So I think he's just not getting it and doesn't realize how some of that behavior makes me feel. I'm going to try talking to him again. I think part of it is me too. Like I secretly feel resentful for moving in with a man without being married, and agreeing to act like a wife without actually being one. I guess I'm old fashioned but as I get older (I'm 37), I find myself feeling this way more and more.

You seem to do a lot of things you don't want to do. Why is that?

 

I still love him and he is good to me in many other ways. I just think he's clueless when it comes to sex and how to treat a woman. I have tried to talk about it and tell him how it made me feel when he takes me to bedroom and takes off his pants and lays there. It feels disrespectful or degrading or something especially because he's just so selfish in that department.

If you still love him and he loves you and he's good to you in many other ways then why don't you google for a sex therapist near you and get yourselves into see her/him? You've basically taught him from the beginning that you're quite okay with his way(s) in the bedroom so you can't expect him to suddenly be a different lover. You're both going to need to be retrained and the help of a professional, hopefully will get you going in a mutually satisfying direction.

Maybe at your older age you want to be treated as more than a "sex object"...how old is your bf again? Maybe you've matured to the point that it being based on sex isn't satisfying to you anymore...

Living daily in a situation in which you shortchanged your values will only bring resentment and the end of your relationship. Does no marriage make you question his love? I agree with the therapy. Or figure out how to "lovingly" move out and see if you can continue the relationship.