Marriage and Porn

My husband and I have been married for nearly 4 years. We have a 2 year old and a 3 month old.

I wasn't trying to snoop, but I came across porn on his phone last week. I am very open sexually but he never seems to want to talk about sex and he is not adventurous in bed. I never thought it would bother me. I am shocked that I can't get over it. I haven't said anything to him about the porn specifically. I have been feeling very disconnected from him even before I saw the porn. I told him how I was feeling and he was receptive but I don't know if he is taking me seriously. I tried to be specific on what I needed in our relationship to feel more connected. Since I gave birth to our youngest I think he isn't attracted to me. I was very thin when we married and now I am about 30 lbs heavier. I am trying to lose the baby weight and I am making progress but there is only so much I can do. I can't be the perky 20-something I was back then. It kills me because the type of girl he searched for is not me at all. I don't know what to do. I am crushed.

How do I get over this?

You shouldn't feel crushed. Most men have porn on their computers and a lot of women too. Of course he wouldn't be looking at other women who look like you. That might feel like cheating! Porn is fantasy, so he would probably be looking at women who don't look like you, such as fat ones, tall ones, redheads, etc.

Women who find porn start panicking, thinking their husband is having an affair or that they're getting ready to leave them. It's almost never that. Men like looking at naked women (I'd be worried if he was looking at gay porn or little children) and there's so much of it on the Internet it's hard not to run into it somewhere. (Be thankful he's still interested in sex).

I would say you could soften him up by having sex more often. Some of that emotion might start overlapping to the times you're not having sex.

You shouldn't feel crushed. Most men have porn on their computers and a lot of women too. Of course he wouldn't be looking at other women who look like you. That might feel like cheating! Porn is fantasy, so he would probably be looking at women who don't look like you, such as fat ones, tall ones, redheads, etc.

 

Women who find porn start panicking, thinking their husband is having an affair or that they're getting ready to leave them. It's almost never that. Men like looking at naked women (I'd be worried if he was looking at gay porn or little children) and there's so much of it on the Internet it's hard not to run into it somewhere. (Be thankful he's still interested in sex).

 

I would say you could soften him up by having sex more often. Some of that emotion might start overlapping to the times you're not having sex.

I am available to have sex whenever my husband wants. It is hard to make time with an infant but i could make sure my husband knows I am down for it anytime, if he doesn't know already.

I think one of the issues I'm having is that I try to be open and talk about sex with him and he doesn't seem like he wants to talk about it. Then come to find out he has this secret fantasy that he doesn't want me to be a part of. And on top of that I feel undesired and unattractive to him.

I guess the porn isn't the problem, but a symptom of the problem. I am still wounded about it. But I don't know how to move forward. I feel like I am pulling teeth to get him to talk about sex and making him uncomfortable. And he isn't interested in how I feel about sex. Am I just doomed to be second fiddle to his fantasy? I thought we had a deep love but now I'm doubting our connection.

First of all, sorry. I know that finding porn can be painful, make you feel less of yourself, feel like cheating, being compared, replaced., etc. Many people will say it shouldn't make you feel that way, but it does feel that way, for many (but not all) women. That's a fact.

Another fact is that it very often is NOT tied to the spouse, and is a habit that men have developed over time, often since pubescence, is extremely common among men, and is a difficult habit to break even if he wants to. Don't think that is the first time he ever looked at porn, or that gaining 30 pounds drove him to do it the first time. I can assure that is very likely not true.

The typical response from men, when confronted by their wife about porn, is to apologize, declare they will never do it again, then, maybe stop for a while (or not), and then eventually do it again. In other words, placating in order to spare the wife's feelings. Sometimes (I think rarer), the men get angry and challenge her about snooping and say that it's none of her damn business what he does when he's alone. That can be very hurtful, on top of the feelings she already has. The other option is to come up with open and honest agreements about it that both people can live with, maybe incorporate it in the bedroom. It doesn't sound like you can live with that, or could you?

I do not think it is the root cause of him not wanting to open up about sex, unless he's worried the conversation is going to veer into porn. I think it's a communication problem, and perhaps some couple's counselling would help.

Are you then unhappy about your frequency of sex? You never explicitly said so just thought I would ask. I wouldn't worry about the porn in and of itself.

I wouldn't be more worried about your lack of feeling connected. Or his lack of opening up about sex with you. I don't know how long you have been in a relationship but I can say it took me a long time to get my wife to open up totally with sex. Like 7 years. She is just from a very conservative family.

Porn for me is really a bit different from sex. It is more of like a quite and easy stress reliever. Try not to get overly conscious of it.

Thank you for the advice. That is helpful.

I am very open to looking at it together. I think that would make me feel like I can participate in his fantasy. I honestly don't expect him to want to do that but it is worth a shot.

Unfortunately, I think the bigger issue is communication in general. We saw a couples counselor before we got married for a few sessions because I asked him to. If I'm being honest, he didn't fully engage in that either. I hope we don't have to go down that path again, but it looks like we might have to.

I am not unhappy with the frequency of sex. i always tried to keep him satisfied so I would do it every day even if I wasn't in the mood. That is just not possible right now. That would be a good question to ask him though...how often does he need sex to feel like we have a good sex life?

Thanks for your insight. It is helpful. It gives me hope that it isn't too late to have a better sex life.

I am not unhappy with the frequency of sex. i always tried to keep him satisfied so I would do it every day even if I wasn't in the mood. That is just not possible right now. That would be a good question to ask him though...how often does he need sex to feel like we have a good sex life?

 

Thanks for your insight. It is helpful. It gives me hope that it isn't too late to have a better sex life.

There's a big difference between being available and being hot for him. Anyway I think a lot of guys would like it on most days and be satisfied with a compromise of every other day.

There's a big difference between being available and being hot for him. Anyway I think a lot of guys would like it on most days and be satisfied with a compromise of every other day.

You are right. I guess I haven't been thinking about him feeling "wanted."

I actually told him that I didn't realize how closed off I've been and that I think he is sexy and I want him. Things have been really great over the last few days, since I told him that.

Thanks for the advice.

You are right. I guess I haven't been thinking about him feeling "wanted."

I actually told him that I didn't realize how closed off I've been and that I think he is sexy and I want him. Things have been really great over the last few days, since I told him that.

 

Thanks for the advice.

I just also wanted to let you know, that while porn use is not often tied to to the spouse, it is also not often tied to sex frequency either. Masturbation often serves a different purpose than sex (stress reliever, etc - as I'm sure you know unless somehow you've never masturbated in your life), and younger men (and I assume he's young) can come several times a day without being spent. I just want your expectations to align with reality.