Am I right to be upset?

Hey Everyone,

I must admit, this is my first time here but I hope you can help me nevertheless.

I recently entered into an open relationship with my long term girlfriend (10+ years) and it's not been without bumps. We had a don't ask don't tell style policy which really didn't help, I'd strongly advise against it for anybody starting on the open relationship road.

The problem began when I found out through some careful listening (nothing that would breach trust, just picking up on the way some things were said and putting together the puzzle) that my girlfriend was planning on hooking up with a friend of a group of friends of mine. I've never met this guy but he definitely knows who me and my girlfriend are for reasons I won't go in to. Also, it's worth mentioning that this group of friends don't know about my open relationship and while I wouldn't necessarily mind them finding out, I certainly wouldn't want it to be from their friend bragging about what he did.

So, after I figured it out, I asked my girlfriend to re-consider and we ended up having a pretty big argument about it with the outcome being me saying "I don't want to control you, so you can do what you want, but you know how doing this would make me feel".

Needless to say, she slept with the guy. There are mitigating factors of alcohol and feeling upset after the argument, but she invited him to her hotel room with the initial plan of calling it off so I'm not sure there was a whole lot of effort to avoid it.

I asked her the next day if she had managed to sort it out with that guy and she said "yes" and I found out just how it was sorted out last night.

Right now, I'm pretty devastated, I feel like she took an action that she definitely knew would upset me and that really hurts.

So my questions are two fold.

1) Should I be upset given that I did technically give her permission?

2) Does this violate trust? As in the trust that we wouldn't do anything to hurt each other within the confines of this relationship type?

Any advice would be appreciated.

Thanks,

Switching

I don't know much about open relationships because I was/would never be in one! I know myself best, and I won't be able to handle it.

That said, you two agreed upon the open relationship, with don't ask don't tell policy. You have to abide to it. Therefore, you sort of crossed the line by asking her about the guy she was about to and ended up hooking up with. For an open relationship or any kind of relationship to work, you have to stick by what you two have agreed upon. Also known as communications and understanding. It clearly shows that you are not that ready for this agreement as she is.

Why did you two ended up having an open relationship?

Therefore, you sort of crossed the line by asking her about the guy she was about to and ended up hooking up with.

Yeah, I agree with this. It was a lot tougher knowing who it was going to be! I also didn't like it being justified as "You were never going to find out so it wouldn't have been a problem". That wasn't what I had in mind when we settled on the "don't ask" rule, but I do understand that it evolved from it.

Our open relationship came from her desire to have freedom. She really hates the idea of being controlled in any form and this ended up with us in a relationship where we're both allowed to do whatever we like in our free time. I was quite reluctant at first, but after loads of communication on the subject we came to a way it would work.

It's good for the most part. I genuinely don't mind her seeing other people but I do get a little jealous of the frequency - a girl putting out fairly easily can get a lot of action if she wishes! The don't ask rule lead to deception as she tried to not reveal any details, so we've ditched it (after the aforementioned incident).

Our open relationship came from her desire to have freedom.

It sounds like you forced yourself to settle for less so as not to loose her. What happens if after all this malarkey she ends up leaving you anyway? Imo, you should not disregard your feelings of jealousy and disrespect. You should listen to your gut. It doesn't sound like you are cut out for an open relationship. No matter how you are trying to rationalize the situation, it doesn't sound like you really have an equal say in all this. At the end of the day, it is her way or the highway and whether you acknowledge it or not, this imbalance is unhealthy and destructive for your self-esteem. My advice would be to bite the bullet and break up with her. Seek someone with whom you will be on the same page.

Whose idea was it to open up the relationship? I'm guessing it was not yours.

I don't think this is going to work out well. It's already not serving you both equally. She does what she wants, and you get no say. That isn't a healthy situation, open or not. My sense is she wanted to have sex with other men so tabled this idea, and you went along with it so that you don't lose her. Is that accurate?

I can see how you are upset, but in reality you did give her the go ahead to do what she wanted with no constraints. If you didn't mean that, then you shouldn't have said it. That said, you need to tell her this situation is no longer working for you and lay out ground rules for the open relationship. Think about any possible senario you would be unhappy with; friends, coworkers, relatives or aquaintances are off limits, types of sex, themes, fetishes, communication with sex partner, how to solicit sex (social media, networking, work etc), frequency, anything! Open relationships work best with mutally agreed upon rules. Not ambiguity. That leads to instability between a couple and is not destined to last. No one is ok with literally ANYTHING open game to their partner (example: she gets it on with your mother, S&M style, ugh).

If you two cannot discuss this or come to some kind of agreement, perhaps you should rethink if this relationship is good for you and decide whether you want to move on. If she is dead set on being completely "free", then she should not be in any relationship. A relationship comes with rules between two people who plan on sharing a life together in comfort, or it should only be constituted as a casual sex relationship that will go nowhere and has no stability or commitment.

Do you get to be "free" with other sex partners as well or is this one sided?