Why can't get over someone?

I had a really great relationship with someone, but I need someone to tell me something: why can't I get over him?

He was a great person and a close friend, and I know that's part of a reason. We were only dating for a little while and called it off because we were going different places with our lives, and no matter how much I feel like I've moved on, something brings me back to him. (Sometimes I just think his name for no reason, which is weird I think.) I tell myself the usual things that I know are true. It didn't work out because it won't work out, and I need to take my own time to heal and move on. I talk to friends about it. But I feel like I'm not healing.

I feel like I can't heal, which I think is bad, and I don't know why I can't allow myself to move on when I know that he has a while ago.

I don't know why I can't let this one go like I have before.

Too general. You need to provide more background: Who ended it, how long were you dating, what directions and how long have you been broken up?

It was pretty mutual, but more of him. We dated for 6 months, we've been broken up for a year, and we moved to different colleges in different states.

What did you mean by going different direction in life?

It was pretty mutual, but more of him. We dated for 6 months, we've been broken up for a year, and we moved to different colleges in different states.

Take it as it was bad timing! We all have one of those relationship where everything was great and feels that person is probably the one, but priority at the time got in the way.

That has happened to me before. I just told myself that if it was meant to be, it would have been. It took me a long time to get over the person but I eventually did. It's just not in the cards for the two of you, if it's meant to be, you might meet again someday. It's normal for you to miss him every so often.

Have you tried dating again? Maybe that will help open your mind to different men?

Healing is non-linear sweetie, meaning, you'll have good days; where you think you've made a breakthrough and bad days; where you're utterly depressed. The key is time. Also, allow the pain to run its course with complete acceptance. This process again is non-linear so it ranges from one person to the next much, much differently. For some it can take days, weeks, months, years or some decades to get over someone. Again, every person varies. Don't worry, the latter are usually pretty rare.

One of the main reasons why you, me and many others find it so difficult to "let-go" wholeheartedly is because we've associated our SO as our prime source of happiness because we associated them as having specific traits we found so appealing. All of it registered and associated within our subconscious mind as thoughts which release "happy" chemicals and we don't even know it. Mainly, these chemicals are dopamine, adrenaline and serotonin. These "happy" chemicals in our brains are fired off constantly during our interactions with our SO hence why we eventually fall in love.

The opposite of these "happy" chemicals is Cortisol, which is a stress hormone linked to depression, weight gain, fear, anxiety, major mood swings and many more negative associations. This chemical is fired off during times of major distress, one being a tragic breakup.

Here's how the experts word it:

"Cortisol is released in response to fear or stress by the adrenal glands as part of the fight-or-flight mechanism."

So basically during your previous relationship you found one, some, if not, all of these wonderful traits as totally appealing to you. Some if not most of these traits could be their look, personality, physique, maturity, sense of humor, talent, sex capabilities, popularity, clothes, communication skills, wealth, laugh, smell, background history, family orientation, talent, commonalities, rapport, education etc, etc. All these traits you connect with raise your "happy" chemicals during the course of the relationship because they meet your desires/needs. But once the relationship comes to a sudden halt, these chemicals plummet and are no longer firing off, instead, Cortisol kicks in. Basically, Cortisol is an evolutionary survival mechanism alerting you to get up and out of bed, work and/or find your next mate!!!

So herein lies our problem; we've ignorantly and stubbornly convinced ourselves that we won't be able to find another partner with these specific traits (whatever that reason is) so we obsess, panic, fear, worry, wonder, day dream, night dream, whatever, believing this to be true. Because of which we find it extremely difficult to let go.

Here's a good road-map for full recovery.

1st: Be realistic about the relationship. Don't just see the good, which is what we usually fixate on only. Remember, you broke up for a reason so think about the bad times as well.

2nd: Learn from your previous mistakes. Acknowledge and take full responsibility for your own negative actions and ask yourself what and how you can do better in your next relationship in order to avoid the previous pitfalls.

3rd: Allow the pain to run its course (don't question the lack of recovery and/or its duration) This process is non-linear, meaning, it can affect you differently from one day to the next. You might even feel you're taking 1 step forward and 2 steps back from time to time but time eventually lessens the pain significantly which will also reduce the Cortisol levels in your brain, more so if you hit step 4 & 5.

4th: Trust the process. Trust, trust, trust. Meanwhile, be good to yourself physically and mentally as best as you can even if you have to force this. Remember the chemicals in your brain play a big part in your mood so by being more active and engaged with others the higher and faster likelihood of a successful recovery. This step will also help to alleviate your Cortisol levels and bring back some of those "happy" chemicals. Stay active!

5th: There IS someone out there with those desirable traits you so long for, if not, more, so don't panic. Once you eventually meet this "new" partner matching your desires, your needs will finally be met and back on track to having "happy" chemicals surging within your beautiful brain. But in order to accomplish this stage successfully and maintain it it helps significantly to master steps 1 thru 4.

We can all reach this

Good luck!

Someone told me it takes about half the amount of time you were with someone to really get over them. I don't know if that's true but.... I was married 14 years and I spent 7 years of my marriage getting over the fact that the person I loved and married was not who I thought he was. We have been separated almost three years and I'm over him.

I was with my college sweetheart for 5 years and it took me 2 years to really be over him. I was able to date a year later and it took another full year before I knew I was totally over him. We are great friends now.

Those are the examples I can give.

Take your time and allow yourself to feel what you feel. As Justin said "healing is non linear". That's very very true.

Are you still in touch? Is he with someone? The fact that you are not dating anyone is contributing to this. Nostalgia and what ifs after a year of breaking up and having only dated 6 mos sounds a bit obsessive, no?

Delete and block him from social media. Fill whatever void is there with life on campus.

It was pretty mutual, but more of him. We dated for 6 months, we've been broken up for a year, and we moved to different colleges in different states.

Healing is non-linear sweetie, meaning, you'll have good days; where you think you've made a breakthrough and bad days; where you're utterly depressed. The key is time. Also, allow the pain to run its course with complete acceptance. This process again is non-linear so it ranges from one person to the next much, much differently. For some it can take days, weeks, months, years or some decades to get over someone. Again, every person varies. Don't worry, the latter are usually pretty rare.

 

One of the main reasons why you, me and many others find it so difficult to "let-go" wholeheartedly is because we've associated our SO as our prime source of happiness because we associated them as having specific traits we found so appealing. All of it registered and associated within our subconscious mind as thoughts which release "happy" chemicals and we don't even know it. Mainly, these chemicals are dopamine, adrenaline and serotonin. These "happy" chemicals in our brains are fired off constantly during our interactions with our SO hence why we eventually fall in love.

 

The opposite of these "happy" chemicals is Cortisol, which is a stress hormone linked to depression, weight gain, fear, anxiety, major mood swings and many more negative associations. This chemical is fired off during times of major distress, one being a tragic breakup.

 

Here's how the experts word it:

 

"Cortisol is released in response to fear or stress by the adrenal glands as part of the fight-or-flight mechanism."

 

So basically during your previous relationship you found one, some, if not, all of these wonderful traits as totally appealing to you. Some if not most of these traits could be their look, personality, physique, maturity, sense of humor, talent, sex capabilities, popularity, clothes, communication skills, wealth, laugh, smell, background history, family orientation, talent, commonalities, rapport, education etc, etc. All these traits you connect with raise your "happy" chemicals during the course of the relationship because they meet your desires/needs. But once the relationship comes to a sudden halt, these chemicals plummet and are no longer firing off, instead, Cortisol kicks in. Basically, Cortisol is an evolutionary survival mechanism alerting you to get up and out of bed, work and/or find your next mate!!!

 

So herein lies our problem; we've ignorantly and stubbornly convinced ourselves that we won't be able to find another partner with these specific traits (whatever that reason is) so we obsess, panic, fear, worry, wonder, day dream, night dream, whatever, believing this to be true. Because of which we find it extremely difficult to let go.

 

Here's a good road-map for full recovery.

 

1st: Be realistic about the relationship. Don't just see the good, which is what we usually fixate on only. Remember, you broke up for a reason so think about the bad times as well.

 

2nd: Learn from your previous mistakes. Acknowledge and take full responsibility for your own negative actions and ask yourself what and how you can do better in your next relationship in order to avoid the previous pitfalls.

 

3rd: Allow the pain to run its course (don't question the lack of recovery and/or its duration) This process is non-linear, meaning, it can affect you differently from one day to the next. You might even feel you're taking 1 step forward and 2 steps back from time to time but time eventually lessens the pain significantly which will also reduce the Cortisol levels in your brain, more so if you hit step 4 & 5.

 

4th: Trust the process. Trust, trust, trust. Meanwhile, be good to yourself physically and mentally as best as you can even if you have to force this. Remember the chemicals in your brain play a big part in your mood so by being more active and engaged with others the higher and faster likelihood of a successful recovery. This step will also help to alleviate your Cortisol levels and bring back some of those "happy" chemicals. Stay active!

 

5th: There IS someone out there with those desirable traits you so long for, if not, more, so don't panic. Once you eventually meet this "new" partner matching your desires, your needs will finally be met and back on track to having "happy" chemicals surging within your beautiful brain. But in order to accomplish this stage successfully and maintain it it helps significantly to master steps 1 thru 4.

 

We can all reach this

 

Good luck!

This is incredibly helpful and insightful, thank you for taking the time to share your wisdom, I hope it helped the OP, it certainly was very very helpful for me. Thanks man, you're a hero!

Someone told me it takes about half the amount of time you were with someone to really get over them. I don't know if that's true but.... I was married 14 years and I spent 7 years of my marriage getting over the fact that the person I loved and married was not who I thought he was. We have been separated almost three years and I'm over him.

 

I was with my college sweetheart for 5 years and it took me 2 years to really be over him. I was able to date a year later and it took another full year before I knew I was totally over him. We are great friends now.

 

Those are the examples I can give.

 

Take your time and allow yourself to feel what you feel. As Justin said "healing is non linear". That's very very true.

That seems to make a lot of sense. It's the first time I have heard about something like this concept, but I think it sounds very plausible. Thank you for sharing, gave me some hope!