Could really use some advice

So I'm 21 years old, and for the past 3 months I have been dating a man that is 36. That is 15 years in age difference, he is only 3 years younger than my parents, but despite that I see age as but a number. I started to fall in love with him the moment I met him. I am head over heels in love with him, and cannot even imagine ever being with anyone else. Me and him have such a strong connection that it truly is irreplaceable.

But now I'm at a cross-roads. I do not know what to do, I'm at the point where I have to tell my parents about him, it's unavoidable. I can't hide it forever, especially if I want our relationship to move forward. I just don't know how to do this. I am so afraid that my parents will lose their or be disgusted with me, and I'm afraid of the fall out. All I know is I want to be with him, more than anything in this world, and I can't truly do that until I tell my parents.

Any advice on how I might be able to come clean with all of this?

At 21 you can make your own decisions, no? It sounds like you still live with your parents? It's not as if this is a taboo relationship. How did you meet, at work?

Invite him for dinner.

I am so afraid that my parents will lose their or be disgusted with me, and I'm afraid of the fall out.

Yes, I still live with my parents for now so I can finish school, and so that my daughter is taken care of when I'm not home.

They still treat me like a child, they well walk all over me, and then say anything they can to make sure they keep their control over me.

It's not as easy as inviting him home for dinner... I just want to spill the beans, and not take eeeks or months to get it all out

What does your bf think?

If he meets your parents, he may feel uncomfortable being close to their age.

Although your parents were sure young when they had you!

Part of being "grown up" is being who you are without being afraid of what your parents think. Not in a defiant way, but in a self assured way. So just the fact that you are worried about their reaction is an interesting clue.

Your parents are your parents, so naturally they may feel concerned, aND they have life wisdom to share. 15 years is a fairly large age gap, especially when you are in your early 20s, and just coming into who you are- and it is a time in your life where you will change as you learn and grow. So what appeals to you at 21 may not appeal to you at 31 or 41. And your parents likely know that.

That said, my advice is to let them know you are seeing someone that you would like them to meet. And yes, tell them about the age difference and how it makes no difference to you. And don't get mad if they have objections or wisdom to share. Just thank them for caring, and tell them you think you will be okay.

I did have a bf that was 12 years older than I. His parents were nice to me, but I could tell that they didn't think it was a good fit.

After 5 years, my bf broke up with me and eventually married someone his own age. He had a hard time when I went back to school - he thought I would be comparing him with younger guys I met.

In the end, he did me a favor. I would likely have spent time caring for him in his elderly years. I have done a lot of growing up since I was with him.

Think about it- when he is 70, you would be 55. He would be retired and you still working.

Just some thoughts.

It sounds like they support you and your child, right? So their house their rules. They could have kicked you and your child out on the street to go back to the babydad or to social services. In that case you wouldn't have time for dating. Rather than date, find a part time job and spend more time watching your child.

I still live with my parents for now so I can finish school, and so that my daughter is taken care of when I'm not home. They still treat me like a child

Okay, I just read that you still live with your parents.

When you live with your parents, needing their assistance, they will treat you as a child.

Once you live on your own without needing their help, then they will begin to treat you like an adult. In other words, once you show them you are grown up then they will begin to respect you as an adult.

You have to change yourself in order to change the dynamics of your relationship.

Sorry if this offends you, but I kind of wonder why your bf is interested in someone still living at home with their parents.

Good for you, going to school though. Hope your studies lead you to a good career, so you can support your daughter.

Perhaps, if you feel confident about this man and this relationship, consider treating it as you would any other? I'm not sure that you need to alert your parents as to his age, beforehand, for instance. I like Wiseman's suggestion about issuing him an invitation to dinner - what if he came early to have a casual meet and greet with your parents, beforehand - nothing too formal, just a polite, low-key introduction?

Good luck.

Alright so just to clarify.. I do live with my parents, with my child. But I do pay my mother for babysitting with the money I get for my funding an on top of that pay my car payment, insurance, registration, rent, groceries for myself and my child, and so on. So no, in my mind since I do pay to have a roof over my head and for my daughter to have a babysitter it's not their house their rules.

And I am in college full time, but yes I also do have a part time job on the weekends. And my 3 year olds father is not in the picture in any way shape or form. He chose not to know her, not even her name.

I did not feel offended by anything anyone said, but with all that being said, I just had to say my piece so it doesn't look like I'm a single mother in school and not providing for my child. My parents help, they do not support. In all honesty my dad and I are the only ones in the house working so when push comes to shove in the one supporting my mother by paying her to babysit for me while I'm in school and at work.

It's your job to file for court ordered child support on your daughter's behalf for her. Can you get your own place or move in with the new bf?

my 3 year olds father is not in the picture in any way shape or form. He chose not to know her, not even her name.

Your an adult with a child, so who you date isn't up to your parents. They might not like the idea, but it's your choice. Don't end up getting into a black-mail situation with your parents either if you can avoid it. Just try to get everyone on board with this, so it goes smoothly and you can be happy.

If I had brought the father to court, himself and his parents (who he lives with) would have gotten court ordered visitation rights and since the moment he decided to abandon me and his child I've wanted nothing to do with him, nor do I want anyone in his family or anyone that associated with him near my daughter either.

And well when all of this comes to the surface it is very likely that I will end up kicked out and living with the boyfriend. And I can guarantee there is no such thing as smooth sailing for this. They'll tell me to end it or the doors there. I'll take the door because I love him way too much to let him go. The connection me and this man have is way beyond what words can describe. Then I'll try to get my daughter and her things to take her with me, they'll rip her out of my arms and push me out then it'll be a long process of court with my parents. They'll try to find reasons to make the court think I'm unfit. They'll try to say I'm unstable and cannot care for a child on my own and so on and so forth.

I have thought this moment over in my head a million times over the last 3 months, and this man makes up the rest of my world, the rest of my soul. I can feel it inside that he is my one. This step is one that I have to take otherwise this relationship does not move forward.

I'm just trying to find a better way to tell my parents aside from just blurting out "I'm in love with a 36 year old man"

Perhaps try to keep the conversation(s) as short and positive as possible.

'I'm considering asking the fellow that I've been seeing to have dinner with us. He's older than I am, at 36. We are getting close and I hope you will find him as delightful as I do. Please let me introduce you before you draw any conclusions about him based on the static information I can offer.'

I started a thread here asking the people if I was too old at age 28 (almost 29) for a 21 year old woman. Half the posters said yes, and the other half said no. Honestly, do what you think is right. My cousin is 13 years older than his wife, and both his parents and her parents have no issue with it. They met when he was 35, and her 22. Now he is 39, and she is 26. They just had a baby.

You stated that you pay for everything. Move out of your parents house then. Get another babysitter. Problem solved.

As for your boyfriend, it would be interesting to see how he handles adult responsibility... Right now he has not shouldered the family package deal like your parents have...

P.S. The 15 year age gap means that you WILL pay a price at some point. If you are ok being a caretaker at your middle/old age that is your choice.

You stated that you pay for everything. Move out of your parents house then. Get another babysitter. Problem solved.

 

As for your boyfriend, it would be interesting to see how he handles adult responsibility... Right now he has not shouldered the family package deal like your parents have...

 

P.S. The 15 year age gap means that you WILL pay a price at some point. If you are ok being a caretaker at your middle/old age that is your choice.

You don't know that for sure. Anything can happen. Perhaps he could end up being her caretaker.

You don't know that for sure. Anything can happen. Perhaps he could end up being her caretaker.

Sure. Anything can happen in life. She could also be hit by a bus or lighting. Statistically speaking women tend to outlive men their age, let alone much older. If she is happy with the odds that's her choice.

When you feel the kind of love that I do, you would be okay with anything. I'm okay if it comes down to it and he needs me to take care of him, it's just another way that he will need me one day.

I have the kind of love for him that I thought was only seen in movies, he's my one. He's the Wesley to my Buttercup

I have the kind of love for him that I thought was only seen in movies, he's my one. He's the Wesley to my Buttercup

This is the honeymoon phase talking. So far he hasn't had to change any diapers. He only got to date a 21 year old, with your parents shouldering the (paid by you) babysitting. Of course you got to see him on his best behaviour. It was easy. If you were to live together and withstand the test of time, then you would know for sure. However, at this point it all sounds more like fantasy than reality. You will only know for sure when you have lived together and no longer rely on your parents for anything.