I've an avoidant personality & don't know how to escape this social isolation

Ello. I haven't had any friends or acquaintances for two years now and don't socialize online either, but I do have family that I can't communicate well with due to language barriers. Just last month, I turned 25 and have gone back to school for art, thinking I'd meet likeminded people there and hence find opportunities to break out of my shell at the same time I get to make something more meaningful out of life. But I can't seem to connect with anyone even though people have approached me and tried to get closer. The more they show that they like me, the faster I become avoidant to the point of stone cold, which isn't the impression I give them in the beginning. I really appreciate each person who cared enough to try to get to know me and I feel lucky enough people do after all want to talk to me, but my problem lies with an instinct to escape whenever I feel... I might have to consider someone a friend, I guess? There were very rare times when I genuinely enjoyed my interaction with another but when I realize this, I immediately become a stone wall to them. I become unresponsive against my own will. Each time this happens I feel so apologetic to the other person and I'm struggling all over again to show myself a bit of self compassion, reminding myself that I'm not simply a bad person for ostracizing someone, and also that I have other things going relatively well in my life. It's just sometimes I question why those things matter when I feel this lonely. Then I think it's not even a special condition. It's a human condition that most people experience and I can't always expect everything to be going well.

What I worry about is that while it is something most people experience, I don't know if the experience will ever change for me. The only time I had friends was in high school, which I had good memories of, but I always played a certain role for them, which I can't really keep up anymore. They try to reach out to me, but I've repeatedly cut them out so many times that I can see they're realizing I'm not worth their effort. I don't hear from them so much anymore. As I'm that friend that would only be there when she felt emotionally ready to be (pretty selfish) I didn't want to be that sort of friend anymore, so cutting contact with them for the last two years would end this cycle.

Here I'm only talking about acquaintances and friends, not even romantic relationships. I get limerent pretty often, which can be very devastating. I can't get close to anyone, so all the warm fuzzy stuff keeps taking over my brain, reminding me the things I can't have. One of the strongest limerence episodes I had left me dysfunctional for months. I don't know what it would take for me to change if something like that couldn't rock me out of my security boat.

I'm what Elaine Aron coins a "highly sensitive person", which I feel plays a big role in why social interaction is so overwhelmingly stressful for me. I always take in far too much information, perhaps more than there is, so each time I interact with someone or if I spend the day around people, I need a day or two to process and reflect on them. I don't do it consciously, but snippets of conversations (either ones I was in or overheard) and images from that day would stream in and out my mind along with thoughts. Sometimes things pop up and I feel compelled to do research surrounding those thoughts. I haven't tried stopping when I'd catch myself, but I know it'd be an itch I'd refuse to scratch or a problem unresolved that will come up over and over again in the future because I will most surely wonder the same things again. Even if interactions were at the time positive for me, they would still end up extremely draining.

So help, I don't know what to do or where to start in order to change my situation.

" but I do have family that I can't communicate well with due to language barriers." HUH?

Have you received therapy? Your life sounds very lonely.

You seem very much aware of yourself. You've pinpointed the problem, so now you need to change your ways. I think the best way for you to begin breaking out of this is to go out with 1-2 people from school or work, step 1. Order a drink, step 2. The alcohol will help you. I'm not being sarcastic and I'm not suggesting that you get drunk. Nurse it and notice how more relaxed, talkative you become.

" but I do have family that I can't communicate well with due to language barriers." HUH?

 

Have you received therapy? Your life sounds very lonely.

I'm a first generation immigrant who only learned English at school, and my parents are a bit undereducated, so even in their own language they never speak about anything past basic routine conversations. We never have heart-to-heart talks or critical thinking conversations and so on. I can't talk to them about my experiences, what I think, or anything important because I never learned the words from them is what I mean.

I have, and that's probably why I'm not as pessimistic now as I was then when I was at my lowest (which was when I sought out a therapist). I had someone to really talk to, who really listened and maybe even truly cared, so it really helped me in expressing myself to someone else. That also helped me understand myself better, but I no longer have mental health coverage under my insurance plan. So now I don't know where to get help anymore.

Hi, I am sorry to hear that. I know what being avoidant is first hand. My situation was caused by a psychological trauma in childhood. What is the cause of yours?

In my situation I searched for help wherever I could - therapists, self development and spiritual literature. The greatest healing came from two works by Marianne Williamson, Return to Love, and by Byron Katie, Loving What Is. I just read your previous post, and want to add that these are available as audio books on youtube for free. Read comments to both. Other people's experiences with these books echo mine.

If the titles put you off, consider that you won't wake up one morning feeling absolutely normal. Your healing will have to come as a result of something: working with a therapist or working with yourself on a spiritual level; or like in Byron Katie's example, after you've gone to an emotional abyss, to the darkest of places of a half way house, something internal transforms you profoundly and unexpectedly. But this last example is not the norm, rather an exception. So you then only have two choices out of three.

When I posted about having a drink, I didn't realize that there is an actual personality disorder named "avoidant", I thought it was how you were describing yourself. With that, I take back my comment about having a drink when you go out. Can you afford counseling? Do what you can to help yourself instead of just accepting this as your life. Eckart Tolle is my favorite self-help author. Maybe look up his books or audio books on Amazon.

I'm not trying to make this post about me, but I gotta tell you what helped me break out of my shell: this site and the forums here, Eckart Tolle books and solo traveling. My first "solo" trip was actually with a group of strangers on a religious retreat. The folks in this small group were from all over the world: USA, Egypt, Thailand, Israrael. We were all there for the same reason, so we had that in common. And boy did we have a blast for 10 days. Seriously. This alone helped me to realize how much I've been missing out by avoiding people. There are some really nice ppl out there! I think my "issue" was I had been surrounded by jerks my whole life starting young and it made me shy away. If I now find myself reverting back to those old ways, I have to tell myself in my head to open up. It works for me.