Confused

Hi all,

So I posted maybe a little more than 2 weeks ago about being dumped by my ex. I was new here and everyone told me to go NC to heal. Relationship wasn't perfect, but it was real. I realized I let a lot of red flags pass by. After the break-up, he was avoiding me and ignoring me. Just didn't want anything to do with me. I feel like I lost a lot of self-respect and pride. After going NC and having a supportive community on this site, I felt like I could do it. So after one week of NC...I was so convinced he has forgotten about me...it was getting me down a lot. Then on the 12th day of NC, I got a text from him saying hey and how am I doing, and we talked back and forth all day. He didn't contact me until one week after that, yesterday, on valentine's. I woke up to a "happy valentine's day" text from him. It was so odd. We ended up messaging all day and night yesterday...he was sending me old pics and videos of us together, and telling me he has missed me and doing everything with me. He also asked if we could set up to have lunch this week...after a whole day of thinking about it, I said Friday would be good.

Now I am nervous he will cancel on the last minute since has done that before after the breakup. I still have deep feelings for him, I still love him, but I'm scared. What if his goal was to just get me to agree? To see that I will still meet up with him?

The fact that he messaged says something because he is so stubborn. He never initiated convos after the breakup for a month, it was me initiating always...so he got used to it. However, the moment I went NC...and when he realized more than a week has passed by, he texted.

I know I only went NC for 12 days until he broke it, but that little time helped. I have gotten calmer. I don't react as much to him. I have realized the breakup wasn't my fault. But the fact that my feelings for him still exist is something and I just missed him a lot.

If he doesn't meet Friday...that's it. I will still be friendly, but I will never fall for him asking me to lunch again. But my heart is scared that he will disappoint me...

I guess I needed to vent because I feel confused. I don't even know his true intentions. I don't even know if he's 100% single. Does anyone have similar stories?

If he doesn't meet Friday...that's it. I will still be friendly, but I will never fall for him asking me to lunch again.

This is your line in the sand. Make sure you keep this commitment to yourself.

If he shows up for the lunch and isn't ready to get back together, I'd strongly recommend going back to no contact. He's either in or he's out; you don't want him playing games with you.

Hello, Lovely. I'm sorry you're going through such a tumultuous time just now and I hope you find brighter days ahead and soon.

I second gebaird's advice strongly.

My further remark has to do with, other than contacting you, and the necessity of his showing up to your meeting with his head on straight and his thoughts and actions in line with what you are looking for, do you have any ideas as to what must have a/o needs to change to repair the problems that caused the break up, initially - from one or both of you?

I realize that his getting in contact is telling to you, and you've already set reasonable goals for the meeting, itself - my only concern is that the sudden contact and the natural excitement at seeing each other again might potentially eclipse the underlying issues in the relationship that most likely need to be addressed, or risk seeing another break up inevitably occur.

Please know that I don't discourage this development in any way, especially if you take gebaird's solid suggestions to heart. And no matter what happens next, I wish you the best of luck.

Weeks ago about being dumped by my ex. I was new here and everyone told me to go NC to heal. Relationship wasn't perfect, but it was real. I realized I let a lot of red flags pass by.

- It's been a matter of weeks? And do you think ANY things have changed re: red flags? Doubt it.

Remember that!

Often people fall back again.. because the 'miss them', but that is not a reason to keep on going thru this pain.. when you KNOW better.

Sometimes it's best to work on accepting it's not going to get better... you're not compatible and work on improving yourself and healing.

And NO. We cannot be 'friends' with an ex if we still have those 'feelings' for them.

Think hard on this... go in with no expectations. and TC of yourself!

Weeks ago about being dumped by my ex. I was new here and everyone told me to go NC to heal. Relationship wasn't perfect, but it was real. I realized I let a lot of red flags pass by.

- It's been a matter of weeks? And do you think ANY things have changed re: red flags? Doubt it.

Remember that!

 

Often people fall back again.. because the 'miss them', but that is not a reason to keep on going thru this pain.. when you KNOW better.

Sometimes it's best to work on accepting it's not going to get better... you're not compatible and work on improving yourself and healing.

 

And NO. We cannot be 'friends' with an ex if we still have those 'feelings' for them.

 

Think hard on this... go in with no expectations. and TC of yourself!

No, the breakup happened 3 months ago. We haven't hooked up since then, and we've only met 2 times in the past three months. But just a few weeks ago I decided to go NC. So Idk if it will be different seeing him or not.

I'm going in with no expectations.

You're completely right...I have accepted the fact that I can't be friends with him when I still have feelings. He suggested it before, and I couldn't do it.

I really am trying to protect myself...but I want to see him and see.

This is your line in the sand. Make sure you keep this commitment to yourself.

 

If he shows up for the lunch and isn't ready to get back together, I'd strongly recommend going back to no contact. He's either in or he's out; you don't want him playing games with you.

Yes, I'm counting on tomorrow to decide. Just really nervous. He's not going to come right out and say it right off the bat that he wants to get back together. I know him. He takes baby steps.

But I think by now, I want a definite answer. I'll meet tomorrow with no expectations to avoid disappointment. If I realize he was just trying to catch up as friends, I'll go back to NC and I hope that would be it.

Lovely, I do appreciate your interest in - if nothing else - knowing more, anything more. You are obviously an intelligent and sincere person and by 'knowing' I'm in no way limiting the information you may glean from this meeting to what this chap simply says to you, but also your perceptions and interpretations, on top of your sense of the meeting, itself.

If you feel that you are in a sound, solid place to meet this fellow and derive what you can from that exchange, without feeling vulnerable to being caught off guard or in the moment by any inappropriate machinations on his part, then, at this point, I am inclined to think that you should see it through, for fear that it will nettle you and keep you wondering if you feel that you had an opportunity intriguing to you and backed away from it for reasons that, while ostensibly cautious and prudent, were nevertheless not as compelling to you as your hope for enlightenment a/o closure, at the least.

In other words, if you feel strongly about going and are not feeling unduly subject to this chap's charms in spite of any further red flags that may arise from this meeting, go for it.

You strike me as feeling confident in your current head space and your position on your self-worth. I don't think you'll fall to harm merely checking this out and I do believe that you'll be able to walk away from it/him if you don't approve of what you find.

Whatever you decide to do, I wish you the best of luck and I hope you'll update the forum as to the next development(s).

Hello, Lovely. I'm sorry you're going through such a tumultuous time just now and I hope you find brighter days ahead and soon.

 

I second gebaird's advice strongly.

 

My further remark has to do with, other than contacting you, and the necessity of his showing up to your meeting with his head on straight and his thoughts and actions in line with what you are looking for, do you have any ideas as to what must have a/o needs to change to repair the problems that caused the break up, initially - from one or both of you?

 

I realize that his getting in contact is telling to you, and you've already set reasonable goals for the meeting, itself - my only concern is that the sudden contact and the natural excitement at seeing each other again might potentially eclipse the underlying issues in the relationship that most likely need to be addressed, or risk seeing another break up inevitably occur.

 

Please know that I don't discourage this development in any way, especially if you take gebaird's solid suggestions to heart. And no matter what happens next, I wish you the best of luck.

Honestly, I'm confused myself in terms of wanting to get back together. But I'm realizing my confusion comes from him...he's the one that can clear that up. I'm tired of looking for answers. If we do get back together, my expectations are so much higher now. He'll have to convince me that it will be different. I still have deep feelings for him, and miss him, but I'm realizing I can live without him.

But as for meeting, idk, I guess I want him to show me tomorrow how he feels. I will be able to tell myself through his actions.

Lovely, I do appreciate your interest in - if nothing else - knowing more, anything more. You are obviously an intelligent and sincere person and by 'knowing' I'm in no way limiting the information you may glean from this meeting to what this chap simply says to you, but also your perceptions and interpretations, on top of your sense of the meeting, itself.

 

If you feel that you are in a sound, solid place to meet this fellow and derive what you can from that exchange, without feeling vulnerable to being caught off guard or in the moment by any inappropriate machinations on his part, then, at this point, I am inclined to think that you should see it through, for fear that it will nettle you and keep you wondering if you feel that you had an opportunity intriguing to you and backed away from it for reasons that, while ostensibly cautious and prudent, were nevertheless not as compelling to you as your hope for enlightenment a/o closure, at the least.

 

In other words, if you feel strongly about going and are not feeling unduly subject to this chap's charms in spite of any further red flags that may arise from this meeting, go for it.

 

You strike me as feeling confident in your current head space and your position on your self-worth. I don't think you'll fall to harm merely checking this out and I do believe that you'll be able to walk away from it/him if you don't approve of what you find.

 

Whatever you decide to do, I wish you the best of luck and I hope you'll update the forum as to the next development(s).

Dahl,

Thanks for the kind words. It helps that someone has faith in me being able to walk away if I don't get what I want. I have my weak moments, but I've gotten a lot better. I have felt humiliation after the break up, and I have lost my pride in a way. Most of the time, I have realized I have felt hurt due to my ego and pride being bruised. Now, I feel calmer in a way, and I don't react as easily anymore.

However, tomorrow will show me if I've really changed or not. Tomorrow I'll learn if I actually am better at deciding what's best for me or not. We will see. I will keep you updated

You're welcome, Lovely, and for what it's worth, I genuinely believe that faith in you is well placed. I expect that with most posters in this position, my feeling would have remained staunchly at, 'don't risk it.'

But you're clearly willing and able to perform any smart, organized and productive analysis you need to, and bravely on yourself, to boot. I have no doubt that, however it goes, good, bad, ugly, anti-climatic, you are going to come through it with flying colors.

We all stumble, we all misstep. These are not negatives, as you know, they're lessons. And you are a learner and a problem-solver. I believe that is, in fact, what's truly motivating you now. If this fellow is worth your time, he'll be lucky to have the chance at it. If he's not, you'll be capable and clever in your handling of the matter.

You certainly have the brains and heart to be the one best suited to make the call.

I'm intently rooting for you, Lovely, however this plays out - and I'm holding you to that update!

All the best.

Dahl,

Thanks for the kind words. It helps that someone has faith in me being able to walk away if I don't get what I want. I have my weak moments, but I've gotten a lot better. I have felt humiliation after the break up, and I have lost my pride in a way. Most of the time, I have realized I have felt hurt due to my ego and pride being bruised. Now, I feel calmer in a way, and I don't react as easily anymore.

However, tomorrow will show me if I've really changed or not. Tomorrow I'll learn if I actually am better at deciding what's best for me or not. We will see. I will keep you updated

 

Good luck to you. And stay strong, never settle for less. I think sometimes we are stronger than we give ourselves credit for.

 

2 weeks ago I was in a similar situation. My ex and I were "on a break" at the time. He had been reaching out, neither of us really following NC. He suggested we meet for dinner.

 

I thought for sure during the first hour that we were well on our way to reconciliation. But he suddenly changed. I'd been desperate to have him back. But he said something that finally clicked in my head and I told him I was done. He was legitimately shocked. He really expected to say this hurtful thing and I'd just keep hanging onto him. I shocked myself that as sad as I was, and as much as I missed him, that I was able to walk away.

 

I don't say this to make you think your meeting will end the same. Just a reminder that despite how you feel about him, let logic take control and don't settle for less than you want. Have faith in yourself!

To update anyone,

Met with him today. It was so normal. We talked and and laughed. Felt so so normal. However, we didn't talk about the relationship nor the breakup, or anything serious for that matter. Ended with a hug and him saying "see you again if you don't stand me up". That's it.

I texted him afterwards and he was saying "let's go with the flow". I feel like he's taking things slow, step by step...but I'm at a point where I want a yes or no...but shouldn't he have every right to take things slowly? What if he's nervous about being in a relationship with me again? Because i'm nervous, too.

But I don't know, I'm so sad tonight because it didn't clear up anything for me. I have to give myself credit for not reacting with him there in person, I was just laid back...and I suppose he felt comfortable. But after seeing him, I was just sad...sad that it didn't advance.

All I can do right now is not contact him, but I don't know what to do next. I do miss him and have feelings for him, but I don't want to chase him. The thing is the date went great, but I'm mad at what he didn't do or say.

My feelings are over the place. I didn't think I'd feel this way today. I thought I would be sure at where I stood. I don't even know how to express my feelings at the moment...just a bit down, I suppose.

Maybe I'll feel better tomorrow.