Don't know what to do

I’ve been with my girlfriend for more than 4 years. We got together when I was 19 and she was 23. For the first 3 years we were in a long distance relationship between different countries. In that time, I would estimate that we were only physically together for about 6 months. For that reason, some people have said that I should view the length of our relationship differently to ‘normal’ relationships. Things have been different since we moved in together, and I’m also a lot different to when we first met.

Around a year ago I met someone who I had an instant connection with. We’ve spent a lot of time together since then and I’ve developed feelings for her (which I haven’t acted on). Something similar happened before we moved in together, but I thought it was only because I was struggling with the distance. I’ve tried to fight it because it doesn’t make sense to me. My girlfriend and this other girl are completely different. It scares me that I could have feelings for someone like this other girl because I’m not sure that she’s the best influence on me. She is, however, really kind and smart, and I can sit and talk to her endlessly for hours and hours without getting bored or running out of things to talk about, and time seems to fly by. I guess having feelings for someone isn’t logical and it isn’t really possible to fight it. Even if I could get over her, maybe someone else would come along.

I know I’ve let the situation go on for too long. A few months ago I told my girlfriend that I’m unhappy and want to leave, but she begged me to stay. I’ve even told my girlfriend about the other girl and she’s willing to try and work past it. I don’t think she realises how strong my feelings are for the other girl, and it makes me feel guilty because I don’t feel that I deserve her giving me another chance. She has depression and I’m scared of what might happen if I leave, but that’s not the right reason to be with someone. She’s been a huge part of my life for the past 5 years and I’m scared to lose her completely. It also scares me massively that I might be on my own trying to get over 2 people. I thought that I wasn’t scared of being my own, but perhaps I am. Maybe I would eventually feel very liberated once I overcome the suffering.

I try to distract myself with studies and work, but when I’m alone in my own thoughts I feel a lot of pain and guilt. I try not to think about the other girl but I can’t get her out of my head. I’ve got to the point where I wonder whether I could commit to anyone, or if I even deserve that. I tell myself that I shouldn’t even be deliberate this, but instead I should be prioritising what’s best for my girlfriend. She doesn’t deserve this. She deserves someone who can give her all of them.

Sometimes I wonder if the other girl feels the same because she’s been so kind to me and texted me a lot. Recently I went away for a few weeks and thought I could be getting over her, but then I came back and saw her in a group of friends and the feelings came flooding back. She’s been ignoring me and my messages, and has been making a point of only seeing me in group situations. It hurts a lot because it feels like someone who cared about me is now bored of me. Then I tell myself that I’m not entitled to be upset about not spending time individually with her. I don’t get upset about not seeing my other friends every week. It’s a sign in itself that I get really hurt when she ignores me, and I feel ridiculously happy when I’m with her. In a way I can’t stand how much control she has over my emotions.

If she likes me back, then maybe she’s decided to do this to protect herself. Maybe she’s trying to smoke me out of my current relationship, who knows. I keep trying to remind myself that this might not be the case, and maybe she’s just busy. It could all just be in my imagination. All I know is that I can’t imagine that she’s the kind of person who would suddenly decide she doesn’t like someone over a matter of weeks without an apparent reason. Nevertheless, it does seem immature and also a little hypocritical because she’s also in a relationship and she could also address the issue herself if she wanted to. Maybe she doesn’t want to because it’s more of a risk for her because she’s quite a bit older. I don’t think there’s much point trying to analyse her actions anyway because it could be that the situation is the total opposite of what I imagine it to be, and I don’t think I’m in a position to be thinking of a new partner anytime soon. It seems like it’s too late now anyway. I don’t want to fool for someone’s stupid games, but I should also recognise that my girlfriend should be my priority and if I have feelings for someone else then I should respect her enough to deal with them appropriately.

My family all seem to really like my girlfriend. I think they might be disappointed if they knew the other girl who I have feelings for. Still, I don’t think I should live my life to please other people, especially if it involves being dishonest to myself and others. However, some of my friends don’t really like my girlfriend, but I’m not really sure why. In a way I would like a fresh start where I don’t have to try and persuade my friends and girlfriend to see each other, although I guess this could be the case in any relationship.

Part of me thinks I will feel relief if I’m also honest with the other girl, but then again I don’t really see what good would come from it. It would make me vulnerable and it might seem like I’m expecting her to like me back so I can just switch relationships, which maybe I am subconsciously, but I know that wouldn’t be a good idea at all. Even if she doesn’t have feelings for me, it would be wrong to stay with my girlfriend only to eventually end up having feelings for someone else. I know it’s not fair that it’s taken the situation to get to this point that I’m reconsidering my relationship with my girlfriend.

I’ll be graduating in a few months and I don’t know what’s going to happen. I might get a job and have to move somewhere else, and I know my girlfriend enjoys her job and doesn’t want to leave it. I don’t think it’s fair to let her leave it when I’m feeling uncertain about our relationship. My girlfriend also wants to get engaged, married and have children in the next few years, and others have also encouraged us to do so. I don’t know if it’s that I don’t feel ready, or I just don’t want to do it with her, but these things scare me and I don’t feel like they’re things I want right now. I don’t know if it would be different with someone else. It doesn’t help that I don’t get on with most of my girlfriend’s family and can’t imagine being part of it, even though it’s not my girlfriend’s fault. Now feels like a critical time to make a decision because I don’t want to waste her time. I don’t want to do something I regret, but I also don’t want to commit to someone I’m uncertain about and end up marrying and having kids, then separating later down the line. Whatever happens someone is going to end up getting hurt. At the moment I’m the one that’s hurting most of the time and I can’t keep it up for much longer.

Do the right thing, and end it with your girlfriend. It is not fair to either of you to stay in a relationship where you are not fully committed.

End the relationship. You've committed to a single person for 5 years and you're 23 now. You've got a lot more life to live before committing to marriage and children. Your gf is 27 and probably more ready for a change in lifestyle/more responsibilities. You on the other hand~ just graduated, looking for job opportunities and about to enter the real world

I promise neither of these two girls will be your only options.

Your situation reminds me of my brother In laws. He was with the same girl for 8 years, since they were 17. He sacrificed a lot to be with her, turned down job opportunities etc he even moved overseas with family temporarily but moved back to be with her...well he ended up so resentful and cheated with another girl. This other girl ended up pregnant but lost the baby. He moved overseas to be closer to family and now he's 27 without a career/broke as & already got girl #3 preggo after only a few months dating

Moral of the story: don't beat a dead horse and contraception !!

Sorry to hear this. Perhaps being crystal clear about your feelings toward the other girl and that you can't continue this way would help open the dialogue so you can leave.

I don’t think she realises how strong my feelings are for the other girl