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Thread: I need advice- When my boyfriend goes out I can't handle it.

  1. #1
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    I need advice- When my boyfriend goes out I can't handle it.

    I tried to find some advice through other posts but every situation is so unique it's hard to relate...

    I know this is a lot, skip around and read what you want I just need advice.

    MAIN QUESTIONS:
    1. If my boyfriend goes out bar hopping or to a typical single scene (bars/clubs where people are looking to get someone) should I just be okay with that?
    2. What do you do to feel comfortable while you're partner is out? Do you have them text you every hour, Netflix, etc?
    3. I can't control how I feel so I don't know how to change, any advice on that?

    Here's some BACKGROUND that will help you to understand my situation. My boyfriend and I have been dating for three years. We met 3 months before he had to move across the country to attend college. It's a few years later now but long story short I go to a different school but I live about an hour away from him. Because of our schedules and the type of colleges we attend we see each other every other week in a good month. We have talked about marriage and are building a foundation to help us reach that goal. I am very much in love with this man and I do not see that changing any time soon.

    IF YOU WANT TO SKIP BACKGROUND:

    James is a few years older than I so he is able to go out wherever he pleases, I am not. I know that seems unimportant but it might be to those who can provide a different perspective than I. There wasn't really an issue at first with me with James going out until he went to PCB (Famous Spring Break location) and then there were a few other instances where I began to feel really uncomfortable with him going out without me. This doesn't happen every time by any means but every once in a while he gets really drunk, goes to bars that are really active, and ends up puking in the bathroom by himself. A few times I couldn't reach him because his phone either died or was in another room. Any combination of the things I just mentioned makes me want to curl up and sleep to get out of feeling so stressed. I'm sharing why I feel uncomfortable with him going out but I want to emphasize that this is NOT every time he goes out. Also, he goes to a unique type of college so whenever he does go out it's during a break or a 4 day weekend and at least one of those days a week this happens. To be painfully honest I don't want him in a single environment in that state it makes me nervous. He is loyal but he is a friendly guy. He doesn't realize when a girl thinks he's flirting with them because he's just a people person and if a girl gets the wrong message and he gets really drunk one night then bad things could happen.

    HOW I FEEL AND REACT:

    Feel: When he goes out I am clearly not with him so I feel completely left in the dark which makes me anxious. I don't know how much he is drinking and where he is and how many people are there. I big part is I don't know if who he's with will be there for him if he gets drunk and gets sick. What if he gets lost? What if he drops his phone? The only bars I've been to was a few in Europe but they were mom and pop bars, nothing like NYC. I just have no idea what is going on and I barely spend time with him because of our situation so I really don't know what he's like in that environment. I'm not worried about him cheating, that isn't what makes me want to curl up in my room and watch Netflix to try to distract myself. I've read a lot of posts and I can't find anything that makes me feel better. I tried painting, working out, Netflix, going through old photos, remembering why we are together and safe. It doesn't work, my mind is hyper focused on being uncomfortable.

    React: Last time he went out I lashed out. He gave me his word he would stay in touch with me and on the way to (4 hour time period) I lost all communication with him. That really irritated me because he gave me his word and this wasn't even the beginning of the night. At the beginning of his trip he said he would go out a few times... He went out every night until 4AM! The first night I felt I was lied to and I was taken aback because he went straight to bar hopping. I was texting him throughout the night and I was so mad and I felt so many negative feelings I didn't know how to cope. I know this may seem dramatic but I want to express what I truthfully felt. The second day I was exhausted from not being able to sleep because I expected a bar or two but the night didn't end until 4 AM. I was so anxious I couldn't sleep. As the second day progressed I told him I would not be communicating with him when he went out because how it made me feel and it wasn't good for me or him. He was really upset but I couldn't go through that and I had to work the next day. It didn't help that he was demeaning every thing I was feeling the night before, he made me feel like I didn't matter and he was going to do whatever he wanted no matter how it affected me. I get that I was probably annoying him but he has done the same when I went out to a party. If I ever left my phone he would get angry at me or if there was any guys. But I didn't demean him because I understand how it could be scary. So I tried my best to comfort him and to talk with him when I went to a party which was not often. It was a slap in the face to not be treated with the care that I treated him with. He didn't try to comfort me when I got upset, he tore everything I felt apart like I was meaning to feel that way to make him feel guilty. In my head I was thinking if I did that to him he would be a mess! And I would have felt guilty for making him feel like a mess! I won't go on and explain the rest of that break... I've written a lot...

    I don't understand why he thinks it's okay to go out in NYC and stay until 4 AM all weekend and go to many venues when he doesn't even allow me to go to a party of under 10 people with a few guys. He was surrounded by people, stayed out until 4, wasn't nice to me when I got worried, and even didn't even tell me when he got home one night so I woke up, got scared, tried to call, and his phone was off until 12! And he didn't even apologize until I sarcastically said "Are you going to say sorry?"

    I really need some help figuring out what to do because all this situation did was make me feel like I can't trust him going out without me and that he doesn't keep his word and doesn't respect our relationship when he leaves....
    Last edited by tigerferocity; 01-17-2017 at 02:17 AM.

  2. #2
    Platinum Member SherrySher's Avatar
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    Unfortunately with relationships this is the part of it that makes it probably the hardest, blind faith. You need to trust not knowing for sure if they are doing things they shouldn't be, or talking to someone they shouldn't be, or if the other female or male around them is getting the wrong idea, etc. Because with any relationship, the truth is, all of us will have the opposite sex cross out path at some point and there could very well be temptations or we could even find someone else attractive. But the only thing we can trust in is two main things: 1.) Is your partner a trustworthy person? 2.) Is your partner loyal and committed to you and only you.
    You need to know your partner well enough to know the answer to these questions but the part that can be a bit scary is, even then, there is no 100% guarantee. Which leads me back to the point in the beginning, blind faith.
    You literally have to choose to trust someone without knowing 100% sure, and hoping that they are being faithful . Unless you have proof right in front of you that they are cheating, all you can do is hope that everything is okay.
    I know it sounds like bs and we all want to know that we are not being played or cheated on, but no one in this world has that, even couples who have been together forever, all you can do is have blind faith/trust.

    It's difficult and at times can make a person crazy with worry, but even then, you need to take a step back, allow your partner the freedom to live their life and you live yours without getting all obsessive.
    When it comes to your situation, you need to not focus so much on whats going on with your boyfriend. You are worrying far too much and the thing is, you're trying to somewhat control an uncontrollable situation. Your boyfriend is going to continue to go out, and he is either going to be loyal or not loyal but there is nothing you can do about it, that's just the plain truth.
    That's the way it is for all of us, our partner either loves us and is going to be loyal or they don't and aren't, that's what can make relationships scary and make us feel vulnerable but it's a part we must accept and be okay with.
    If you feel your boyfriend is not being respectful, that's a different situation and one you need to sit down and talk to him about. But you also need to stop worrying yourself crazy and focusing so hard on what he's doing or with whom, or where he is. All you can do is live your life and hope for the best.

  3. #3
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Unfortunately it sounds like James likes to pursue the partying life at college and doesn't want to be tied down. How old is he? Does he live in a dorm/frat house?

    Why are you "not able" to do what he does? Do you live at home with your parents?
    Originally Posted by tigerferocity
    James is a few years older than I so he is able to go out wherever he pleases, I am not.

  4. #4
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    You can't parent a boyfriend, OP. That's the dynamic you two have going on here. Not good.

    I know you are anxious, but you have to realize he's an adult and going to do what he wants. And at this stage of his life, he wants to party and drink and puke alone in bathrooms. Not ideal, of course, but it's what he wants. It's sounding more and more like he wants to be free to just do his own thing without being accountable to you or anyone else.

    If you don't like it or cannot deal with it, I would re-consider the relationship. Yes, really. He doesn't appear to want to change his habits, which is his prerogative. And you don't appear to be able to change yours. It sounds to me like you are looking for a much more mature type of relationship than he wants or is able to give right now. This will breed a lot of resentment and you will be emotionally exhausted...more so than you already are.

    When you are together, how are things between the two of you? Do you have plans for the future? You are both young but have been together 3 years. Any thoughts on where this is headed?

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member jujusamples's Avatar
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    @OP, I'm not sure where to start so I will start with the obvious! To build a good foundation to a healthy relationship, you need TRUST! You reminded me of me before I met my husband. The issues was within in me, I had a lot of issues I had to work through to get through all of that and be able to TRUST again.
    My husband did indeed helped me with that. When we were dating, he almost broke it off with me because he couldn't take not being able to spend time with his friends without me harassing him.

    That being said, he did not do that to me. He always gave me the freedom to spend time with my friends. Including going out to bars or whatever it is that makes me happy. With other males there or not, he always reassured me that he trusts me and expect the same in return. Hence, he was very patient with me. Fast forward 2 years of me being bother with him going out (he does not do it all the time without me) but when he does, I would get upset and get this sick feeling in my stomach. We fought a lot over it.

    Then it got to the point where we have taken some time apart (about 3 weeks) just to calm down and re-evaluate. That is when I realized that something is wrong, this happens with everyone I dated. (except the others weren't so patient) I keep repeating the same pattern.

    My point is, there must be some underlying issues you have because as I read in your post, it has a lot to do with trust. It doesn't help your boyfriend is in the same boat and doesn't trust when you go out to parties. It is a bit hypocritical to expect you to be fine with him but he's not okay when you do it.

    This brings me to the second topic, communication is also a key element to ANY lasting relationship, especially if marriage is in the talks. When you get married, there are more serious problems than just going out. Trust me! You need to be able to communicate effectively or else everything will hit the fan quick! A lot of people, including myself always assume that once you are married everything is going to get better in the relationship. Wrong! The best time to work out your differences is during your dating stages. It's also the best time to learn to communicate, to learn each other's likes and dislikes. Then decided what you could and can not accept. Once you figure all that out, then you decide if this is the person you could live with. The truth is, you can not control another person, you could only control yourself. Think about that for a moment.

    My advice is, if your boyfriend is like this right now, how do you think when more serious problems arises, how would the two of you handle it? Lash out at each other every-time? Get mad and tear things apart? It only gets worst if you are married and living with each other (if you can't deal with problems effectively now) The reason is because once you are married and is sharing a life together, you no longer see the person on their best behaviors, you no longer need to impress one another. You are now more comfortable with each, therefore you will truly see the good and the bad of each other. I suggest you think it through get help from a therapist (I did that) write it down. Really, read over what you just wrote and ask yourself, if that was your sister telling you those things, what advice would you give her?

  7. #6
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    Thank you for everyone who has responded. All of your perspectives have really helped to think more logically about what I need and what I don't in this situation. I talked to my boyfriend about this and we are working through it and we found that I try to "be the cool girlfriend" which makes me bottle up and then explode because I wasn't initially honest with him or myself. There are other things we talked about and he understood I was trying to do what I thought was best. We compromised and found a solution for the future and hopefully your words and his closure will help me improve this aspect of our relationship.


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