Is this an emotional affair? BF "friends" with former affair partner

I found out that my LDR boyfriend of 2 years is friends with a woman that he once had a physical affair with, years before I knew him.

They live in different countries too now so it's unlikely that they'll be together physically again, however they text a lot and her hold over him and their emotional connection worries me. I knew they were friends but assumed she was someone that he heard from once a month or something, not several times a week. She's still married to the guy that she cheated on with my bf and he found out about the affair before but doesn't know that they still text.

Said woman strung him along for years saying she was getting divorced but that came to nothing. She was also partially responsible for the break up of a previous relationship before me. He's told me quite a bit about her and I think she has a personality disorder or something. Her husband once told my bf that she "likes playing games".

When I found out about their history I texted her on his phone (with his permission) and she freaked out and then sent me a load of info about how they'd been saying I love you etc to each other the day he flew out to visit me for the first time! He denies this. I've seen some of their texts and most of it was just general blah blah talking about what they'd been doing but there was one where he told her I'd been asking who he was texting and she was laughing and saying they barely text. He then told her "The "we are friends" thing only goes so far. Oh well, I didn't forget you". And she was all awwww back at him! She tends to be a sympathetic ear I've noticed, all very agreeable and lots of LOL's and awws. She never mentions her husband.

After she texted me that stuff my bf didn't speak to her for over a week. He was mad at what she'd texted to me. Then, she sent me a private message request on Facebook! Saying she "regretted" what she said and here's what really happened, changing her story. It was all about her. I doubt she had any feelings of regret about what she'd said to me, she was just freaking out because he wasn't speaking to her. She was also trying to find out if he'd stopped speaking to her or if I'd forbidden him from contacting her. I ignored this message but showed it to my boyfriend, fearing that non-disclosure would count against me. They did start texting again eventually.

My boyfriend is an Aspie and that causes a lot of communication issues between us, also he has no idea when women are hitting on him or guess people's intentions. He just can't see this situation from my point of view, either that or he doesn't care. We've had so many discussions/arguments about this. They have a common interest that they talk about and he also says that he doesn't have many friends and can talk to her about stuff. I'm his girlfriend, he should be speaking to me about stuff! I feel that him being friends with her is holding back *our* relationship development. He's quite paranoid about me cheating, even though I don't even look at other guys. He said he'd hate if I did the same thing (being friends) with an ex of mine. He has also complained to this woman about me and shares lots of private info - including the fact that this situation has made me ill (I'm on meds for anxiety) and we're in counselling - despite me asking him to keep it to himself. Things that I haven't even told my family so why the hell would I want her to know when she is the problem?!

My boyfriend says that he loves me and that he wouldn't want to be involved with this woman again because she's "too old" and she had her chance. I'd felt that he was keeping her there just in case we didn't work out but he said not even if her husband died would he go after her again. It's all very weird.

He thinks she's harmless and says she's never tried anything or said anything against me since we've been dating. I think some woman are very sneaky and bide their time in these situations. Her very presence has got me worried. It's not as if it's me being jealous of all women either, he's friends with his ex wife and that doesn't bother me, neither do his other female friends. But this woman has ulterior motives I think and my spidey senses are twitching.

He has cut down the texting with her (so he says) but I still feel awful about it all and I wish the witch would just go away

I wouldn't even be with someone like this just for the fact that he is still communicating with someone he had an affair with...

what does that tell you about the person? He knows she is still married and the wife is hiding their friendship.

I mean its up to you if you want to put up with constant stress worrying about what the two of them are talking about or how they are interacting.

I would be extremely uncomfortable or pissed off if my SO was communicating with someone who he was having a long term affair with.

I would give him an ultimatum between either continuing speaking to her or continuing your relationship. What he is doing is completely unacceptable.

His ongoing attachment to this woman wouldn't be acceptable to me if I were in your shoes. I'd simply drop him cold and walk away because I don't do relationship threesomes and have way too much pride to get into some p...ing contest with another woman over a man. NO man is ever worth that. Please don't make excuses for his bad behavior. He knows perfectly well what he is doing and has been doing all along.

As for him being paranoid about you cheating....lmao.....no kidding..... Of course being a cheater he doesn't want you doing to him what he will do to others, you included. Not to mention he knows well how it can be done and hidden. You already know his character or rather lack of, so what are you still doing with this clown? Waiting until he cheats on you too? I mean he already is cheating emotionally.....so really.....why are you putting up with this and please don't say love, because this is not what love is.

LDR's cannot work unless there is trust on both sides; unfortunately I think you can trust your guy to continue his emotional affair. While he's still involved with this woman, he cannot move forward into a relationship with you. It's difficult enough to progress long distance relationships at the best of times, but this 'witch' isn't going away and time soon - and your guy isn't going to change the situation.

You're on meds for anxiety, you're in counselling - and he can't even keep that confidential! - and there's no way this relationship's going anywhere while he's maintaining the relationship with someone else. THAT needs to be addressed first of all. Otherwise it's a bit like emotionally disturbed teenagers getting counselled whilst everyone ignores the alcoholic parent who's caused it all!

Do not underestimate the loss of self-esteem and anxiety which will accrue from staying in a relationship like this; do what you can to take care of yourself - because he certainly isn't going to!

You have a very friendly boyfriend there.

Thanks everyone. I think I might tell her husband. That should stir things up a bit.

Thanks everyone. I think I might tell her husband. That should stir things up a bit.

And this would help you how, precisely?

And this would help you how, precisely?

I don't know. What do you suggest I do? Tell him I've had enough and walk away?

I don't know. What do you suggest I do? Tell him I've had enough and walk away?

BINGO!!!! Yes, that's exactly what you should do. Why on earth would you want to keep dating someone without any moral compass, someone who you KNOW is a cheater???? Walk away clean, keep your dignity and find someone more decent.

Thanks guys.

Oh HELL no....

It wouldn't even occur to my boyfriend to text another female on a regular basis, LET ALONE someone he's had a fling with. Just not how he works.

There are guys out there who dont do crap like that. I found one like this (after many years of bad luck though), so you can too.

Dont settle for anything less than absolute, unwavering loyalty. Life is too short to spend it with someone who is less than 100% trustworthy.

Maybe it's my age but I wouldn't waste another moment on a man who lives under the shadow of another woman. It just really isn't worth the aggravation and drama.

I don't see any point in asking him not to have contact with her because he shouldn't want to have that level of contact with her in the first place .... and asking him not to have contact with her isn't going to stop him from wanting to have contact with her. You are basically saying "her or me" ... and when you have to do that, you have pretty much lost already.