Bad breakup.. desperately need insight & words of encouragement:(

I had posted before me & my now ex hadn't issues past week. We had an argument which led to him pulling away. I asked him what was going on and he pretty much broke things off with me.. saying we could still be friends.

This has been a cycle . I am aware whenever I expect him to be there, or need him emotionally this happens. He had been very emotionally abusive however I keep going back to him. Just two months ago I had a miscarriage with his baby & he also said this and withdrawed tom me and my emotions.

The messed up part is even though he hurt me so many times I still love him. The fact that he breaks up with me makes me feel so helpless as I have done nothing but good toward him.

My mom who often gets enough and behind my back sent him a message online ,pretty much telling him to leave me alone . I am a bit mad about it but I understand She is tired of seeing me hurt and exhausted by his games. Anyway after that he blocked me off everything and texted me saying to leave him alone.

I am so heartbroken. I never did any wrong to this man and we did share tender moments however he has shut me out emotionally and I know I was unhappy . I just can't come to terms with it. I don't understand why I can admit he manipulated me and treated me poorly, but I still see so much good in him and love him. It's so conflicting

I wish we could have parted on better terms but thanks to my mother getting involved he made it clear that's impossible .. just need some words of ecouragment I guess

this man and we did share tender moments however he has shut me out emotionally and I know I was unhappy . I just can't come to terms with it. I don't understand why I can admit he manipulated me and treated me poorly, but I still see so much good in him and love him. It's so conflicting

You have self-worth issues that he likely contributed to with this on again/off again dynamic you've become addicted to with him.

Forget him, he's garbage and your addiction to him is holding you back from finding a good man that would actually make a good father to your children. Surely you understand that had you had children with this man you would be bringing those children up in a dysfunctional and abusive dynamic?

A therapist will help you with your boundaries, will help you to see that how loving yourself will keep you from douche-bag men and knowing that will guide you to picking good men wherein you'll eventually find one that values you and will be a good husband and father to your children. This man you are pining over isn't any of those things and with professional help, hopefully you wll learn to understand how useless he actually is.

Be happy he's blocked you so that you can go cold turkey withdrawl from your drug of choice known as "bad boyfriend."

Feel better soon.

Wow , thank you This is the same speech my mother has given me. I think the fact that he sees no wrong or guilt in the way he has treated me has also caused me to doubt myself. I feel like an absolute loser to the fact that he ends things with me each time, and I have always came running back on his beckoned call . I suppose you are right- though it's sad we are ending on bad terms but having him blocked disallows me from keeping tabs or wanting to talk to him.

I don't know how I got to this . I know I am a good looking girl with a lot to offer but I really thought he was my future. I hope I can truly move on & not let these things dictate my choice in men in the past

You can move on and be grateful you have a mother that is looking out for your best interests.

Google "Personal Boundaries" and read everything you can about them. When you have good personal boundaries in place you won't let anyone, never mind a man that is SUPPOSE to love you treat you with disregard and without value.

You'll be fine now that you can rehab from the addiction you have on him. With some personal insight and processing you'll notice the red flags in any new relationship should they be there and hopefully you'll have learned to love yourself enough to quickly chuck the chucklers.

Onward and upward, Kay.

Your mom totally has your back, something he didn't ever have. And come on now, you know things would not have been "better" if she hadn't spoken up. All he would have done was sucked you back in for more abuse.

Look, I've been where you are now. I've been so addicted to a guy that I kept desperately trying to see good and rewrite the fairy tale in my own head constantly rather than simply deal with the truth - that this person you have feelings for is simply a born a%%hat and you need to end the addiction, because it will NEVER get any better. And I know that about my ex, because after we broke up for the sixth time in six years (yes, that's how bad it was) I woke up and realized my vision of him was not the reality of who he was. And would never be. And that's what you need to do as well.

Give yourself enough time and space to go through withdrawals, to write down every wrong thing he ever did and yank that list out and chant it out loud if you have to, to break any nostalgic, "Oh, maybe it wasn't that bad...there was that one time when..."

This means you go NC and you stay NC. Get into therapy, journal, take up some new activity as a distraction and force yourself to do it even when you'd just rather race after him for another "hit," trying to get back the high of him you once had. And you give yourself enough time and we're talking months and months to get through all the stages of grief: the disbelief, the bargaining, the stage of wanting to go find him with a baseball bat in one hand and a rock in the other, then the stage where you want to smack yourself repeatedly with that bat and rock until you finally get to this stage - indifference and boredom.

The harsh truth is you cannot maintain a love for someone if you go cold turkey on them, allow all your emotions to sort out and accept them, do this while they are nowhere near you, and hang on to your friends and support system until the day your heart finally tells your brain it was right all along and what the hell were you thinking.

And therapy, yes, because there is some other aspect of your life not going well or this guy would not have gotten the hold on you he did. And I say that as a survivor of that kind of toxic mess of a relationship. It's not a healthy normal sane relationship and part of that is because he's nuts in some way and part of it is because you are as well. So please face up to that, realize it is hard work to crack any addiction, but if you have any desire at all for a happy life, even a spark left of self-preservation then you need to let those feelings rise up, hold on to them, and shed the self-deception.

You have people in your life who really care about you and have your back, your mom is an amazing woman and much, much nicer than I would have been under the circumstances. You need to return her love and backup by having her back and that means the two of you unite to getting you to a much more emotionally healthy and sane headspace.

And that only happens if you block and delete this guy from everything and you don't let him near you until sanity returns. Because sanity WILL return if you give yourself enough space and distance from him. He knows this too, this is why he goes after you when you break up or he does something rotten. And understand for him it's not love, it's about controlling you. Unless you want to be owned by a dirtbag for the rest of your life you need to decide it's enough, knock him off his pedestal and just really look at the person who IS in front of you, not the person you want or wish he would be. Because that person is just a figment of your imagination. Trust me when I tell you that you will see that sooner or later. And in the meantime you hang on and you don't let yourself "talk" you out of recovery. I've been there, I shed the guy, I got a far happier life and eventually met someone who is everything plus more I wanted the ex to be and who never was. You can have that too, but you have to get clean so speak off of this toxicity first.

You can move on and be grateful you have a mother that is looking out for your best interests.

 

Google "Personal Boundaries" and read everything you can about them. When you have good personal boundaries in place you won't let anyone, never mind a man that is SUPPOSE to love you treat you with disregard and without value.

 

You'll be fine now that you can rehab from the addiction you have on him. With some personal insight and processing you'll notice the red flags in any new relationship should they be there and hopefully you'll have learned to love yourself enough to quickly chuck the chucklers.

 

Onward and upward, Kay.

Your mom totally has your back, something he didn't ever have. And come on now, you know things would not have been "better" if she hadn't spoken up. All he would have done was sucked you back in for more abuse.

 

Look, I've been where you are now. I've been so addicted to a guy that I kept desperately trying to see good and rewrite the fairy tale in my own head constantly rather than simply deal with the truth - that this person you have feelings for is simply a born a%%hat and you need to end the addiction, because it will NEVER get any better. And I know that about my ex, because after we broke up for the sixth time in six years (yes, that's how bad it was) I woke up and realized my vision of him was not the reality of who he was. And would never be. And that's what you need to do as well.

 

Give yourself enough time and space to go through withdrawals, to write down every wrong thing he ever did and yank that list out and chant it out loud if you have to, to break any nostalgic, "Oh, maybe it wasn't that bad...there was that one time when..."

 

This means you go NC and you stay NC. Get into therapy, journal, take up some new activity as a distraction and force yourself to do it even when you'd just rather race after him for another "hit," trying to get back the high of him you once had. And you give yourself enough time and we're talking months and months to get through all the stages of grief: the disbelief, the bargaining, the stage of wanting to go find him with a baseball bat in one hand and a rock in the other, then the stage where you want to smack yourself repeatedly with that bat and rock until you finally get to this stage - indifference and boredom.

 

The harsh truth is you cannot maintain a love for someone if you go cold turkey on them, allow all your emotions to sort out and accept them, do this while they are nowhere near you, and hang on to your friends and support system until the day your heart finally tells your brain it was right all along and what the hell were you thinking.

 

And therapy, yes, because there is some other aspect of your life not going well or this guy would not have gotten the hold on you he did. And I say that as a survivor of that kind of toxic mess of a relationship. It's not a healthy normal sane relationship and part of that is because he's nuts in some way and part of it is because you are as well. So please face up to that, realize it is hard work to crack any addiction, but if you have any desire at all for a happy life, even a spark left of self-preservation then you need to let those feelings rise up, hold on to them, and shed the self-deception.

 

You have people in your life who really care about you and have your back, your mom is an amazing woman and much, much nicer than I would have been under the circumstances. You need to return her love and backup by having her back and that means the two of you unite to getting you to a much more emotionally healthy and sane headspace.

 

And that only happens if you block and delete this guy from everything and you don't let him near you until sanity returns. Because sanity WILL return if you give yourself enough space and distance from him. He knows this too, this is why he goes after you when you break up or he does something rotten. And understand for him it's not love, it's about controlling you. Unless you want to be owned by a dirtbag for the rest of your life you need to decide it's enough, knock him off his pedestal and just really look at the person who IS in front of you, not the person you want or wish he would be. Because that person is just a figment of your imagination. Trust me when I tell you that you will see that sooner or later. And in the meantime you hang on and you don't let yourself "talk" you out of recovery. I've been there, I shed the guy, I got a far happier life and eventually met someone who is everything plus more I wanted the ex to be and who never was. You can have that too, but you have to get clean so speak off of this toxicity first.

Thank you so much for the feedback. It is hard because I feel I should have been the one to end it my self but was too weak. I hate that I gave so much of my time and energy to him and to be honest-- I lost a lot of my friends so he was my main source of companionship, which made it worst.

I never thought of going to therapy but perhaps I would benefit from it .

the wound is fresh and I am still processing it but I pray for strength to just forget about all the "good" memories and focous on why we weren't good for each other . I appreciate your words of wisdom

Time to forgive yourself for not looking out for you. Nurture your inner child (google "nurturing your inner child") and read up on that as well as the importance of personal boundaries. You'll be fine in time but you do have to detox from your addiction to him which will occur with zero contact, cold turkey withdrawl from him.

Don't dwell on who broke up with whom this time, just be happy that it's happened and do yourself the loving thing of blocking him so that he can't offer you another hit of himself down the line. Keep in mind that when you are breaking up and getting back with someone it is natures way of telling you that you're with the WRONG person.

Contact old friends and see if they are open to catching up while acknowledging to them that you are sorry for allowing yourself to be drawn away from them. Join things that will introduce you to new friends as well and don't feel rejected if the old friends are not receptive. People come into our lives for a season a reason or a lifetime and if they are not responsive to a reunion then they are season/reason people.