In love with best friend

Hi. I feel really silly writing this. Basically, I think I'm in love with my best friend, I think about him all the time and we spend a lot of time together, by a lot i mean 5 out of 7 days a week roughly. He started a business which I help with, he said he's done this 'for us'. we fostered a dog together, which turned into him adopting it for me as I was attached to her, (she's too big for my home) . We sleep in the same bed, his and mine, and have keys to each others homes. he says im the Queen of his farm house, only woman in his life, insists on paying for dinner , it is basically like a marriage, I take care of our homes, his washing, cleaning etc, while he works, in exchange he pays my credit card bill . (I work too but more flexible hours ). He messages me often throughout the day, but I've noticed im the only one of his females friends he doesn't put a 'x' to. I don't know if this means anything 😕 . I am also the only person that knows about a health issue he has. He always takes me to bbq''s or meals with his friends who are all couples, and also with his parents. So sounds great, but I'm really confused at the moment, because I have strong feelings for him and I don't know if they are reciprocated, due to the fact that nothing sexual has ever happened. He's not made any pass or flirted extremely, we just seem to take for granted that we are like a married couple. I found out through a friend he has a tinder account, and I'm sorry to say I looked on it and saw he's arranged to meet a girl. He's acting his normal self with me, but I feel heart broken. I know I had no right to look but I needed to know whether to step back from my feelings. I've not mentioned to him that I know anything, although I've given him plenty opportunity in conversation to tell me he's going on a date, he seems to be hiding it. Thing is, I'm finding it hard to cope with the fact that everything will change if there's another woman about, his house won't feel like my home anymore, we have 3 dogs between us that will be hanging out with another woman, and we can hardly share a bed and massage each other if he's seeing someone can I. I don't even know why I'm writing this really, I guess I am wondering if this is normal best mate behaviour, or if there's more in it in others opinions. It will utterly devastate me to see him going off to meals and friends houses with another woman, I wish I could think about something else, but it's consuming me. Thanks for any advice x

Have you two talked about dating, ever? Have you been dating? Do either of you have a sexual relationship with anyone (the purpose to him of tinder, perhaps )

Your story is very odd, no wonder you're confused, I would be too!

If you two had sex, I would say without a doubt that he is enjoying a pseudo-relationship without actually being in one, in order to keep himself single and free to pursue other women but while still getting the benefits. The fact that he has never asked for sex throws me off.

Looking at the facts, what we do know is that:1. he hasn't openly asked you to be his girlfriend/be in a relationship with him, so you both have 'single' as a status, and 2. he is looking for sex with other women. I don't know if he's looking for a girlfriend because Tinder is usually a hookup app, but who really knows. Besides, he could have profiles on other online dating sites, you just haven't found them. And 3, we know that no, this is not normal best mate behavior, I don't know what to call it because it's neither friendship nor a relationship.

As strange as it is, I think you are selling yourself short. You are letting yourself be consumed by feelings for him, and are spending your whole life with him or doing something for him. On the other hand, he is clearly actively looking for a partner - be it for sex, dating, marriage, we don't know. All we know is he's looking.

A good rule to live by is to never ever act like a man's housekeeper, when the man is not your spouse (and even then!). Despite the nice words and him taking you to a few bbq and family gatherings, he has made no commitment to you, therefore you have no business doing his washing, cleaning, etc. Nor should you be letting him pay your credit card bills - unless he does it as a way to pay you for your help with the business. Is he paying you a salary for working with him?

Anyway, you say he's your 'best friend'... then you should be comfortable sitting him down and telling him everything you wrote here. Tell him you have feelings for him, and that you would like this to become a relationship. See what he says. If he says yes, great. If he says no, then at least you know where you stand and you can start the process of detaching yourself, mentally and physically. If he hasn't seen you as relationship material by now, he never will, so there is nothing to stick around for. You will need to end this unhealthy attachment (sleeping in the same bed together is just not healthy, and neither is this whole charade of acting like a couple without being one), heal and put yourself back on the market, so you can find a man who does want a relationship with you.

You can't continue living like this, because you are only wasting your time. It goes without saying that no woman out there will accept the kind of friendship you two have, so the second he meets someone he wants to be with seriously, you are history. You better act before this happens.

My suggestion is to have a honest talk with him, put all your cards on the table, and let the chips fall where they may. One way or another, you will have your answer and you will be able to make some informed decisions.

Hi, thank you. We have been to numerous dinners, pub, late night dog walking, and parties, then the couply things with his friends at bbq's and dinners, camping out etc.he's spoken about ex gfs, and seems to think women want to change him and he's not good in relationships. My last relationship was mentally abusive, so I know he's careful around that. He's just a really great guy that I accept as he is, and I feel he does the same with me. He's told me before that he finds me attractive, but still nothing. I know he cares about me a lot, it just goes round and round my head, maybe he doesn't want a relationship with me as if something went wrong we would lose one another, which would mess up the business and the care of the dogs. I dunno, I'm just doing my own head in, when I should probably forget it

Thank you x

Thank you so much for taking the time to reply. I do feel silly.

Everything you say makes perfect sense. I know he cares about me a lot, and has previously stated that he finds me attractive, acts jealous if im going out with friends or I don't reply to a message for a while. He's previously spoken about ex gfs, and seems to think all women want to change him and control him, so I doubt he's looking for a relationship out of tinder or any other site, but if he's looking for sexual encounters then I guess he either doesn't find me THAT attractive, or he knows I'm not someone he can use in that way because it will ruin things the way they are. I think I made myself the girl next door. I know he appreciates the things I do for him, I am his support network with his health issue as he's not ready to share that, and yes he pays my bills in a way to pay for my time cleaning and taking care of the dogs and helping with the business. I struggle with my bills as my past relationship was mentally abusive and the guy left me in debt. It's just doing my head in, because all his friends and our mutual friends keep asking if we are together yet, his dad is super happy I'm about, and I know how great it could be as we know each other inside out and accept each other as we are. You are right, it feels like he wants the comfort and stability of knowing someone is there as a partner figure, without being tied down to that one person, being me. He's in no way a bad person, I don't want to paint him that way, and I'm not a pushover, I don't run around like a nutter hoping to be noticed, maybe he's just a little blind to what's right in front of him. Or maybe he has the right idea and knows he isn't ready to commit for the rest of his life, so being with me would risk losing me forever. I don't know, so confusing. The thought of speaking to him about it makes me anxious, as if he Blatently doesn't feel the same way then I've put myself out there to look like an idiot. We have previously spoken about my mentally abusive relationship, so maybe that's a turn off. If I speak to him and it goes wrong then I can't be free of him anyway, as we have these dogs together (one mine, one his, and one ours together). I look after them while he's working away (his one for pay)

I know I should knock the sleeping in the same bed on the head, but that would lead to a conversation about what's going on in my head. And also its hard when you want to be near someone, every little moment means something. I'm really hating myself for being a , I thank you again, you are right, something needs to change x

Since you never dated or had sex he may assume it's ok for him to be dating. Does he know you would like to be bf/gf?

We sleep in the same bed, his and mine, and have keys to each others homes.I take care of our homes, his washing, cleaning etc, while he works, in exchange he pays my credit card bill . nothing sexual has ever happened. I found out through a friend he has a tinder account, and I'm sorry to say I looked on it and saw he's arranged to meet a girl.

Hi, thank you for replying. I guess I need to face the fact that it is actually OK for him to meet other women, but why hide it from me if he feels we are just friends. No, I guess as we haven't gone along the are we more than friends line, he may think I'm not available in that way. I know I need to detach like the lady said above, but it'll literally feel like losing a partner, and whilst trying to act normal im pretty sure he will notice. Oh I don't know, generally lost right now 😬 x

Have a heart to heart talk. You don't even have to mention the tinder thing. Just tell him you see him as more than a friend. See what he says and take it from there. Speak up so he knows.

I guess I need to face the fact that it is actually OK for him to meet other women, but why hide it from me if he feels we are just friends.