Can't break up with my cheating boyfriend

I started dating my bf 3 years ago and he is 9 years older than me. He is a small business owner and I was helping him with little assignments in his company. 1 year later I found out he was cheating on me with his ex-gf who was also working in his company. At that time we were living together and I started noticing weird behavior with his phone. That girl told me that he had been seeing her that entire year and they were intimate many times. That was like a knife in my heart. I immediately picked up my stuff and left into nowhere. I only had 200$ and I went into hotel. I was so devastated and had no idea what to do next, we had all our future planned. Thankfully my family sent me some money and I started looking for a place to live. My bf found me and was begging to forgive him, he was crying and swearing that if I give him one more chance he would never do this again. He even proposed to me and bought many gifts and flowers to make situation better. He said that his ex was threatening him with suicide when he left her that's why he kept on 'dating' her because he didn't want her to kill herself. It sounded like big BS, even that girl confirmed that she was never like that. Anyway after a week of him begging and crying I decided to return back into his house because 1) I believed that he was truely apologetic and sincere and wanted to change 2) I still didn't find a place to live and paying for hotel was expensive. After a few months of living with him and trying to fix our relationship I was able to rent a room and move out but we continued seeing each other. He was trying hard to change for me, he said he wanted to marry me and treated me good temporary. But half a year later he hired a new girl in his company to help him instead of his ex and there I started feeling something suspicious again. For example, not picking up my calls when he was with her, neither picking up hers when he was with me. He was acting weird and paranoid with his phone all the time. He was working with her till late in his apartment, driving her home and becoming really distant with me. I told him I didn't trust him anymore and I wanted him to fire her and he said he would. But still he kept acting suspicious for months after, I could tell he was not being honest. Those days were draining me emotionally, I couldn't sleep or eat, I felt like he was lying to me again, I couldn't be at peace, my gut was saying he was up to something bad but every time I asked him about it he would get defensive and say I'm paranoid. Anyway one day I just decided to make him a surprised visit in his apartment. When I got to the elevator I saw him leaving his apartment with that girl holding hands. When he saw me he got shocked and scared but he took me away into the corner and said that they were just working and nothing more. Fortunately that girl heard everything, came to me and said that she was pregnant from him and that he proposed to her and they were going to live together. All that after he sweared to me that there was nothing between them but work and that he only loved and wanted to marry me. I think I never had pain worse than this. My heart shattered in little pieces and I wanted to die just to stop the pain. I was angry at myself for giving him that chance and trying to believe him again. I wished them good luck and blocked his number. But he didn't agree to break up with me. He continued coming to my apartment and job, bother me and cry that there was misunderstanding and that she lied to me and he only wanted me but then he admitted that she seduced him and he is a man so it was hard for him to resist but sex with her was not good at all and blah blah blah. I told him I didn't want to be with him anyway, I couldn't trust him and he hurt me too much. He still didn't want to leave, continued coming to me, crying that he wouldn't live without me and that we need to fix this. I loved him and wanted to be with him but I knew that after what he did it would be impossible but he wouldn't get it, he wouldn't stop, he would use tricks to make me feel bad for him and even guilty like it was my fault he did this and that we both should work through this issue. After all this torture at some point I let the weakness go and gave in. I knew it was a mistake but I just wanted to be happy, the way it was in the beginning when I had hopes for our future together and no trust issues. But I never gained my trust back. I went to see my family for a summer vacation and meanwhile he stopped all the communication with that girl. I knew because me and that girl kept in touch and she confirmed that they had broken up and she had a miscarriage. I returned back from summer vacation missing my boyfriend a lot. When I came back I noticed he was weird again! There was this new girl in his company and every time she called him he didn't answer her calls in front of me. I noticed she was messaging him A LOT even at night and those messages were not about work. He told me they were just friends so I asked him to answer her call and let me tell her hi but he never agreed. He started going to the bathroom with his phone all the time, put a password on it and kept his phone on airplane mode when around me, and when he was not with me it was almost impossible to reach him because my calls would go to voice mail. I once received anonymous message saying my boyfriend was cheating on me and blocking my calls when he was with other girl. How many fights with had over this! I told him I couldn't continue being with him, I couldn't trust him and I wanted him to prove me opposite but he said he didn't need to prove anything and that he just works a lot and doesn't like people bothering him. I made him show his phone but all the messages with her were deleted. I said that I would leave him and date another guy then and he said I have no right to do this and only he can end this relationship, that I belonged to him and can't go anywhere. I started my own investigation again because I couldn't function normally without knowing the truth and think straight having this feeling that he is up to something again. It was really hard to find out this time because now he was hiding from me where he was living, he told his family not to talk to me if I call, he never sent me text messages any more, as if he was afraid that someone might see them, never took pictures with me and the weirdest part was that every weekend he would disappear and not answer the phone. I told him I didn't want to be with him any more, that I hated him for hurting and destroying me. Later I found out he flew over to a different country for the weekend but lied to me that he was just busy with his family. The last drop was when I found out he gave me an std which I never had before and saved my number in his phone under a 'guy's name'. We had a fight over this and I tried to kick him out from my apartment but he didn't want to leave. I made up my mind that even though I loved him I couldn't be with him any more, he ruined me with his lies I couldn't trust no one! But the problem is that he refuses to break up! He doesn't understand or doesn't want to understand that he hurts me! He thinks the problem is in me and he is not doing anything wrong and tries to persuade me in it. He made a copy of my apartment keys and keeps coming whenever he wishes, I can't kick him out because he refuses to leave, and I can't move out until my lease is over neither I can't change the lock. I blocked his number but he continues calling from other numbers. It feels like he likes torturing me. He says I'm paranoid and he is just working and I want to believe him but I can't any more. He said he saved me under guys name by mistake. I really want to end this, date a loyal honest guy but I can't end this because I feel dependent on him and painfully lonely when not with him. May be if he left me finally I would move on and be happy but I'm barely struggling not to answer his calls. When I ignore his calls from blocked number, he comes to my apartment and doesn't leave until persuades me he is innocent or makes me feel guilty for kicking him out even though it's my apartment and I pay for it. I want to leave but he won't let me and it's so hard to resist him. I feel so helpless. I wish I had a family or a friend here who could keep him away from me but he continues coming back into my life when I almost healed myself and than stabs me again. I am weak from the pain he put me through but I'm also weak in front of him and can't protect myself from him and his lies and he takes advantage of that. Sometimes I want to kill myself and I have panic attacks at night. I hate myself for not being strong and leave him and his 'we are not breaking up' attitude is not helping at all. I don't see how to stop him from coming back and making me guilty for breaking up. Even when I make up my mind that it's truely over this time and I stop any communication with him he returns into my life and I become weak again, I want to believe him but I can't. I wish I had never met him. He tells me every time that no one will ever love me as much as he does, and that he would never leave me and we will be together forever, and that I have no right to leave him because he owns me. I feel so screwed up inside may be because I'm afraid to end up all alone here with no friends or family that's why he easily influences me but when I try to trust him he hurts me again. And not only emotionally but he hurts physically too for trying to leave him or trying to find another guy. This is just not healthy. I would have stayed with him if he truely changed but he doesn't want to, he lies and blames me in everything and believes he didn't do anything wrong. He says I won't find anyone better than him and that I will end up alone if break up with him, because nobody would love me. He lowered my self esteem and I feel like his victim or toy, with no respect or care to my feelings. I think the only way is to move away in a different city where he won't find me but it's so hard because I have really good job here and I love where I live now Why lose all of this because of him? Please help me. I lost myself and don't know how to start breathing freely without him when he doesn't let me break up with him. Even now when I meet someone who treats me good I feel unworthy of such treatment because for years I was used and abused, lied and cheated on. I'm afraid that in future I will subconsciously be attracted to bad people because bad treatment is what I'm used to and familiar with. He totally screwed me up.

Please leave this guy and never look back.

Please break this down into paragraphs. Seriously. I could not read.

That seems like a very difficult history to overcome. It's a great thing that you have the insight to realize how his actions have been manipulative and hurtful. Understanding that you've been emotionally abused all these years is really the first step in healing. I don't think the road ahead will be easy for you, but as long as you keep a clear head and stay strong (that is, do not return to him ever again) you can start moving forward with your life in the positive direction you've previously envisioned.

In situations like this, rebuilding your self worth and identity is key to starting over. Are there hobbies and interests you can partake that are uplifting and empowering in some way? For me, it's fitness. I run marathons and compete in triathlons. These activities keep me busy and my mind focused. In my experience, relationships like these take time to recover from. And the strength for a better you comes from within, not in the arms of someone else (be it a friend or significant other).

Good luck to you

That is just too much. I will completely disappear from his life if I were you. Cut all contacts, move to a place where he cannot reach you or know anything about you. You have every right to finish this relationship, he doesnt own you, and you dont have to wait for him to agree with the breakup if you're hurting too much and he doesnt change.

Chin up girl, this doesnt deserve you. Let him do his thing and catch probably catch aids but please dont accept him again when he comes begging for you to get him back. NO.

Get a male room mate that can protect you from him. He needs to look like a bodyguard. This guy gave you an STD. That should be enough for you to realize that he is dangerous. I hope it was not AIDS, but whatever it was, you sure did not need it. He has show repeatedly what he is; a serial cheater. You absolutely MUST severe all contact with this very messed up man.

Can't break up with my cheating boyfriend

Change the word "can't" to "won't" for accuracy. Then make a better decision.

When I was younger, I went through something similar with a guy who got someone else pregnant. I was only able to leave him when I accepted that I was not responsible for him cheating on me.

Like your guy, this guy made me feel as though he kept cheating on me because I wasn't good enough for him. I felt it was my fault and I felt terrible. I used to work on myself and think "if only I could be more loving/fun/sexy, then this wouldn't happen."

Eventually I came to my senses and realised that I could have been the most beautiful, talented, intelligent girl in the world, but that he never, ever would been faithful to me. And that's the issue here. Hes a serial cheat because he's insecure and unhappy in himself. You cannot fix him and you are not responsible for that. That's his stuff. And he will go the rest of his life treating every woman he encounters the same way he treats you. That is his fate, but that's not yours.

I know if feels as though you are being crushed, that you will never be good enough for anyone, but I promise there's light at the end of the tunnel, and once you are free of him, you will be so happy that you won't know what to do with yourself. You'll meet someone else and appreciate them so much more. You may have trust issues after this, but they're fixable.

What worked for me.. Take it one step at a time. The first thing you should do is focus on is accepting that you are not responsible for his cheating. Id recommend reading about serial infidelity so you can get your head around why he's doing it. You cannot fix him, but you don't have to. You just have to shift the blame from yourself and understand that it's futile to think he'll change for anyone, then breaking up will be easier, because you'll understand that it's the only logical outcome.

Youve put up with things other people would not have been able to accept. You are obviously exceptionally loving, understanding and strong. Now Imagine giving that to someone who deserves you in the future. That should be your goal.