What to do when you feel like you are the problem?

I'm 18 years old. Generally in life, people have good opinions of me. I made it into a respectable school and university, so people think I'm very hard-working. My social life was non-existent whilst in school, so they see me as someone who is dedicated to my education, which I'm respected for because I do not come from a wealthy background so they see me as being able to better my family. Despite this, people do not think I have any social issues, apart from maybe being quiet and being too polite at times. However, I keep it a secret that I am gay because I am extremely private. People do not bother prying into my personal life as they do not believe I would have one outside of my studies, which is relatively true. The only people that know I am gay are my close friends and family. But, in the last 7 years, I have noticed some terrible things about my character that I feel extremely guilty about and scared for my future.

When I was 14, I 'catfished' someone, which I now see as something I was doing because I did not know my sexuality. However, I did not know this person when I set up my fake profile, I met them online. It was a complete shock to my system when I found out they attended my school and I had been talking to them online through a fake persona. Obviously, they still had no idea it was me, until the more I felt I was falling in love with this person, the more some of my lies fell through and it became obvious it was me behind the online profile. My personality online was pretty much the same apart from my appearance. However, it was my true personality, not the more reserved version of myself people see and judge me from everyday.

When this person became aware it was me, they were naturally furious and wanted me to confess. I denied it over and over, choosing to be selfish because I wanted to protect my reputation. For five years, this person wrote a hate blog about me because they were apparently so in love with the persona I had created, that they wanted me to know I had damaged and hurt them with my lies. This blog was obviously fuelled by the fact that we had classes together, so eventually the hate online died down when we left school.

I didn't tell anyone what I did. I felt so guilty and contemplated taking my own life because I could see how much I had hurt this person. However, I was not prepared to come out of the closet. The police were involved but they deemed it a petty thing between school children, although I was terrified for the remaining two years of my time at school that I would be prosecuted for lying, due to the amount of hate this person gave me at school.

The first two years of the hate, I was an erratic and emotional mess at home. I fought with my mother and brother every night, without fail. Our neighbours complained because of how many arguments we had. I was a volatile and disgusting person to live with. Eventually, my step father and mother broke up, which I am sure the break down of their relationship was excelled by the behaviour of myself in the house. After this, I told my mother and brother what I had done and they said how my moods made sense to them finally.

I was still utterly ashamed and heartbroken over this person I had hurt so badly at school. In sixth form, I did not allow myself to befriend anyone because I felt like a weirdo. I did however make one gay friend unintentionally. This person and I had a really great friendship, but I always felt like there was a weird chemistry between us. After our exams were done, my friend confessed feelings to me whilst drunk. The next day they acted like they had never said anything and denied my entire existence. Over summer, I was not acknowledged at all, and I got extremely angry that because of one night, I had been dropped. I sent a few angry messages because I wanted answers, as it was not me that had confessed the feelings but I also hadn't denied them either. However, this person only met my anger with anger, labelled me a psycho like the previous person had, and we went off to university, with me desperately hoping I could leave my embarrassing past behind me.

Now, whilst being at university, my relationships with my mother and brother have improved greatly, but I still feel like I am not a good person to them, because I occasionally end up belittling them with my careless language. This happens because my brother is unemployed and my mother is struggling financially, whilst I am studying at a reputable university. I must obviously feel superior to keep subconsciously talking down to them. I can be very defensive of the time when I was in school and hostile, even though I know I was in the wrong back then. I justify my actions too much by how hard I work and how nice I am really.

My gay friend got back in touch to rekindle our friendship, but after a day, dropped me again. They explained that they were single, popped back up into my life, and then left again. This led to me getting angry again and I called them out on their behaviour. Again I was deemed a psycho for having an over reaction.

Recently, I confessed to the girl at school that I had 'catfished' her. She was understanding, but also explained that because I had waited five years to tell her this information, I had made things much worse and that I was selfish, which I knew I had been. I did not want anyone to know what I had done. I even asked her not to share my confession with anyone. However, she did because she feels violated by me, which I can completely understand. She feels people have a perfect opinion of me without knowing what I am really like inside, which I feel is true.

The other day, I got angry at my friend because he ignores me when I am in the room. I tried to talk to him about it and he accused me of saying he neglects me, before I had even gotten to the point of explaining why I was upset. He knew I was going to say it and said it was a cycle of mine.

Now, no one knows about these occurrences or why I've lost so many friends over the years, because these issues in my personality are well hidden, but I can see that the more I behave in this way, the more people are going to think this of me as there are a small list of people that dislike my behaviour, although they say they will never hate me. I believe I'm narcissistic, emotionally abusive, and really controlling, but I keep acting in this way.

I want to be the person that people think I am, as I enjoy having a respectable reputation, but I fear it is just overshadowing an inner evil that I have. I have consistently hurt people in the last 7 years of my life in the most damaging ways, but it is always privately, behind closed doors. I continue to display unhealthy behaviour, but I don't know what to do to stop it.

I have come to the conclusion that I will never be fit to have friendships and relationships, so I try to monitor my behaviour and time spent with people out of fear that my disgusting personality will show. However, since being at university, it is harder to hide myself because I live in a house with other people. I just sometimes feel like it would be better if I ended my life because no matter how hard I think I progress, I am obviously still going to be an emotional abuser. I crave relationships with people, but they're always secretive and I feel an entitlement that they make me the centre of their world. It's utterly ridiculous. I'm so incredibly flawed, I can't see the light at the end of the tunnel.

People think I'm a good person, but little do they know all of these awful things about myself.

I don't know if this post makes any sense. I'm just so confused on how to act and behave anymore.

Since you are at a "reputable university" I would avail myself of the free counseling services.

Your fascade of quiet and serious isn't fooling anyone. Not your parents, siblings, neighbors nor classmates. Not quite sure who it is that thinks you are nice. The police have been involved, social media is involved.

Nip this now with some therapy.

Do seek counseling, and work on yourself with them. I think you can gain skills and understanding and maturity, and make improvements to relieve some of this for you. I suggest avoid assuming what other people think or how they see you. That stands out to me, you repeatedly make assumptions about how other people view you, but it is probably more honest to say " I want to be the person I think that people think I am." You made a mistake in your past, and now are acknowledging it, and how it has impacted you. It sounds like you've felt a need to hide yourself and keep things bottled up, but that can backfire and come out in unintended ways, with family, with friends, with yourself.

I also suggest throwing out the word "never" (and "always" while you are at it, just to be safe) and adopt the usage of "maybe". Maybe you are capable of having friendships and relationships. They are not always easy or conflict free, and you can learn relationship skills. Or if not now, maybe someday you will be fit for mutually satisfying relationships. In the meantime, research and learn.

It is hard to make it through adolescence without erratic and emotional behavior at times, and fights with family. Yours may have been (or seem to have been) extra intense, perhaps because your extra emotional turmoil about secrecy and deception and self-judgement. Give yourself an internal hug, no need to beat yourself up any more, and seek out some self-care in the form of therapy.

That's the whole point of this post, everybody does think I am a nice person, thankfully! These things have occurred privately, and I am a naturally quiet person anyway so they don't believe I could ever hurt someone, but I have...

You're right, I do make assumptions! However, most of this has been said to me. Is therapy the only option? I am unsure whether I will have access to it

Of this behaviour has lasted for 7 years, it is ingrained. Only therapy will unfurl it and get to the root of the problems.

I feel like it's too late for me. Very scared of therapy, but I will look at my options.

Be just a little willing to believe change is possible. If we all gave up at 18 the human race would never have lasted this long. Change takes time and effort, and a little willingness.

The thought that I am a weirdo and that I have all these issues is overwhelming me. I feel like the only solution is to end my life. I am so embarrassed to go to therapy or admit any of this stuff. I am terrified. I'm not a fighter because I don't see a life where I am ever going to be normal like everyone else

The thought that I am a weirdo and that I have all these issues is overwhelming me. I feel like the only solution is to end my life. I am so embarrassed to go to therapy or admit any of this stuff. I am terrified. I'm not a fighter because I don't see a life where I am ever going to be normal like everyone else

When you create black and white dualities of good/bad, you don't allow yourself the comfort of all of the space that exists on a scale, of say, 1 to 10, where healthy people find 'balance'.

You can never feel 'good' in a dual world because there's some 'bad' mixed in, and then you can never feel comfortable in your own skin. So think of a scale instead, and learn how to grow comfortable accepting a range of, say, 4 through 7, instead of trying to push everything to the extremes at the ends of the scale. That's what drama people do, and it's not necessary.

Your tuition already pays for mental health counseling at school, and plenty of people feel the need for it and use it. The idea is to identify whatever changes YOU want to make and to work with someone who's trained to help you do that.

Of this behaviour has lasted for 7 years, it is ingrained. Only therapy will unfurl it and get to the root of the problems.

I agree 100%. You say you noticed "terrible things about your character" going back to age 11. I would say that indicates there's a problem and the only way to address that problem is with professional counseling (imo). You'll never be able to sort this out on your own and will only carry it all with you into your future and the longer this carries on, the worse it gets. Get help.

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