It's finally over... why don't I feel relieved?

Well. The time has come, and it hurts like hell. I am currently at work crying at my desk while trying to type this and not fall apart.

About our relationship I dated him for 1 year and 1 month. Didn't get into fights much until 7-8 months in (I was "insecure", "jealous", etc.) but I am a huge advocate of following your intuition (I'll follow up on this later on). We spent almost every day together and he has expressed that no girl has made him feel the way I have, he loves me to where it scares him, etc. We had some serious bouts of turbulence throughout the relationship towards the end, but the love was still there... at least I think it was love? So our arguments were truly only when we were out, and if there was liquor involved (gah, the devil). I always had this nagging feeling that this is all the love he is able to provide, and this is just who he is as a person. Anyways, it got to be a bit much to where he'd need space for 1-2 days at a time after the arguments. I'd apologize for giving him an attitude, profess my love through long winded messages, him saying "you really upset me, leave me alone" and he would basically leave me in the dark. I know, why would I tolerate this?

Fast forward to November. I found out from somebody that he kissed a girl in August. I confronted him, he said we were on a break... except we weren't. He said he didn't know what he was thinking and that we were in such a bad spot and he regretted it. Then later in January... I found out he cheated on me in the first time in June. He blacked out at a club and made out with a girl. This was the night we had a huge argument and I can't recall if we were on a break or not. I know, I'm a complete idiot. I forgave him. He never once really seemed sorry about it. When I'd bring it up, he'd get exasperated and say, "I thought we were over this." I brought it up maybe once or twice during the course of our relationship. I hated this and expressed to him that he can't just leave me hanging and blow me off when he's upset. He told me that he is in love with who I am when he's with me alone, but as soon as we go out, my insecurities kill it for him and he is unable to have fun with our friends and the drama is overwhelming. Overall, we have taken a few breaks in between our relationship.

He has told me before that I should appreciate him because he spends almost all his free time with me, but I "never change" because I cause a scene when we go out (I don't believe I do cause scenes, but I may pick a fight or two). Anyways, he has been ignoring my requests to talk this past weekend because he was upset over a fight we had when we were out last weekend. I sent him messages saying we deserve a conversation and I'd receive short messages back or he just wouldn't reply.

After an entire weekend of ignoring me, he finally called me. He asked how I was, small talk, etc. Then he said he thinks we should take time apart. He said he's at a point in his life where he needs to have tunnel vision in order to successfully open this dental practice and that all day at work, all he thinks of is me and now it's a distraction to his lifelong goal. He started to cry and said he needs to be strong enough to take control of variables in his life that need to be controlled (I was crying too and pleading with him that things would change). He said this isn't goodbye forever, rather a time out so we can focus on ourselves and change. But the fact that we kept fighting over the same things when we were out have him really stressed out. He promised himself he'd never let anybody have this much control over him or distract him from his dental practice. He said he'd like to be back together once he can settle down with his office and I said no. Once it's done, it's done. I told him I cannot be friends with him and he said, "This is not now or never, can't you see that I'm trying to keep this so we can get back together? This is the hardest decision in my life and I hate this, but I need to be strong for the sake of us." so I asked for one last chance to prove that we can work things out (SO PATHETIC) and he cried and said, "If you keep saying you love me and you mean it, then you will understand and be patient and see that this is for the best right now." I'm completely heartbroken and sad he can't admit to his own mistakes either. I know this is a relationship that won't work out, but why do I feel so sad? Why do I feel like this is my fault? Why am I begging to be with someone that clearly isn't going to change either... he will just continue to ignore me or stonewall me when he's upset... he will probably cheat again... but yet I blame myself.

A bit about him He is 28 and he is extremely career oriented and driven, and has expressed he will cut off friends and/or family that get in the way of his lifelong dream of opening up a dental practice. He is currently in the process of that, putting in bids, making phone calls with bankers, etc. I understand the toll that can take on a person alone, much less a relationship. He also told me I am his first "real" adult relationship (he had a 5 year relationship in high school though) - we practically lived together, took many trips, he introduced me to his family, etc.

A bit about me: I am 26 (almost 27) and I've never really been single. I have a bad habit of making my life all about whoever the person I'm with and I believe I suffer from anxiety and depression (I am going to see a therapist next week). So I'm taking this pretty harsh, but I understand this might be a blessing in disguise and an opportunity to care for myself instead of somebody who is undeserving of my attention.

I thought I'd marry this guy. I think I'm either addicted to him or I love him. I blame myself for the demise of our relationship... maybe I nagged too much, why couldn't I just let things go, was I expecting too much? This guy is no good for me, but he has a way of making me feel like this was ALL my fault. He said I should've been more supportive of his career, and been there for me instead of picking fights. I have no willpower to wake up - I haven't eaten for a good 30 hours. I can barely get out of the house. I know this is for the best, so why does it hurt so bad...

I feel like I lost my soulmate. But I tell myself. If it was love, he wouldn't have cheated. If it was love, he wouldn't have shoved me or belittled me. If it was love, he'd put more effort in.

I guess I don't know what advice I'm looking for. Just some words of courage that I will be OK.

You will find a better man. But first you have to become a stronger you that won't put up with being treated that way and stop "forgiving" liars and cheaters. Look into therapy to regain your sense.of self.

Was one of your.parents an alcoholic?

Suffering from depression and anxiety is hard on any relationship. Focus on you. I know that's hard, but it is what is best.

You will find a better man. But first you have to become a stronger you that won't put up with being treated that way and stop "forgiving" liars and cheaters. Look into therapy to regain your sense.of self.

 

Was one of your.parents an alcoholic?

Thank you. I guess I feel like I won't find a "better" man. That he was everything I wanted - attractive, hard working, intelligent, sweet, and funny. But then I think of it and I'm like.. he was also a cheater, had no inability to apologize, lazy when he got home, etc.

And no, neither one of my parents is an alcoholic. I hope therapy will help me focus on myself - I find no desire to do anything because if he's not here to share it, what's the point? That's not normal to not want to do anything if nobody else is there to do it with you. I've never been alone, so this is terrifying for me.

Suffering fromantic depression and anxiety is hard on any relationship. Focus on you.

Thank you. When I start to think of him, I try to tell myself that this would not have worked out and I need to have the drive to focus on what's best for me.

I think you need to let go of whose "fault" things were. You made mistakes (picking fights in public, etc.) and he made mistakes (cheating, etc.). I also think you need to let go of this idea of a "soul mate." There are lots of people that you're potentially compatible with. Your job now is to get yourself in the best emotional health you can possibly be in so that you can meet someone and have a healthy relationship.

What you described didn't sound healthy. There shouldn't be turbulence, too much drinking, fights, or breaks. And there certainly shouldn't be any "shoving"—did you mean he got physical with you? If so, that's truly the biggest dealbreaker, and you really need to step back and think about why you were okay with that type of situation.

It hurts for all the reasons you've listed; you've never been single, you were addicted to your bf, and you are anxious and depressed. Of course a breakup is going to send you into a tailspin. Now you just have to ride out the storm, get to the therapist, and start the work of making a better life for yourself.

First things first you NEED to eat. Get yourself some soup or juice and get some calories and nutrients in your body. This will probably relieve 50% of your anxiety.

Go back to basics. Take care of your basic needs. Treat yourself as if you are sick with the flu. Be nice to yourself, rest and make sure you get nutrition. I have a tendency to not eat in situations like this as well and I have learned that making myself eat helps to relieve the anxiety quite a bit. You are already under stress, don't cause more to yourself by not giving your body what it needs. Sit and do some deep breathing into your belly. Pay attention to your breathing, shallow breathing into your chest causes anxiety as well.

Therapy will help as well but take care of your body, the mind will follow.

I think you need to let go of whose "fault" things were. You made mistakes (picking fights in public, etc.) and he made mistakes (cheating, etc.). I also think you need to let go of this idea of a "soul mate." There are lots of people that you're potentially compatible with. Your job now is to get yourself in the best emotional health you can possibly be in so that you can meet someone and have a healthy relationship.

 

What you described didn't sound healthy. There shouldn't be turbulence, too much drinking, fights, or breaks. And there certainly shouldn't be any "shoving"—did you mean he got physical with you? If so, that's truly the biggest dealbreaker, and you really need to step back and think about why you were okay with that type of situation.

 

It hurts for all the reasons you've listed; you've never been single, you were addicted to your bf, and you are anxious and depressed. Of course a breakup is going to send you into a tailspin. Now you just have to ride out the storm, get to the therapist, and start the work of making a better life for yourself.

Thanks! I've been making some progress lately. I have my days when I'm really upset, but I need to get out of this whirlwind and truly make some changes to become a healthy person, inside and out.

First things first you NEED to eat. Get yourself some soup or juice and get some calories and nutrients in your body. This will probably relieve 50% of your anxiety.

 

Go back to basics. Take care of your basic needs. Treat yourself as if you are sick with the flu. Be nice to yourself, rest and make sure you get nutrition. I have a tendency to not eat in situations like this as well and I have learned that making myself eat helps to relieve the anxiety quite a bit. You are already under stress, don't cause more to yourself by not giving your body what it needs. Sit and do some deep breathing into your belly. Pay attention to your breathing, shallow breathing into your chest causes anxiety as well.

 

Therapy will help as well but take care of your body, the mind will follow.

THANK YOU! I've actually picked up yoga and I've been drinking juice and eating foods as much as I can. It has helped me a bit. I don't get that pit in my stomach or nausea...which really amplifies the heartache. Breathing really slowly and trying to focus my mind on other things has helped as well. Thank you for your advice.