Update on sleeping with boyfriend's friend before I met him.

Just to update and get some advice hopefully , I told him about what happened with his friend.

I would have told him anyway when I was prepared and when I'd figured out how to do it but I had no choice but to do it last night.

I spent the day at the hospital being assessed for surgery today. He came over when I got home. Last week he told me that he was worried about a possible std as his penis felt wet and it was a lot of the time with what looked like sperm. So he booked an appointment at the clinic and went there after work yesterday. He told me when he came over that the lady there said that she believed it could be chlamydia. She gave him 4 tablets to take and said that he would here either way within 10 days.

This prompted him to ask about my past and he wanted to know who I last slept with. I felt terrible then and still didn't know how to say it so he said that he knew something was up as I was being cagey. I then told him and he didn't take it very well at all. Probably worse than I expected. He asked questions about it and wanted a lot of details, such as where it happened, how, if there was oral involved on either side, and also if he filmed it. I said that I was very drunk to the point I could barely stand and he helped me home. I said that I couldn't actually remember the act which is the truth but that I know the things he asked didn't happen. He can't seem to understand how I know they didn't if I can't remember it. But I know because it's not something I do unless I have been with someone a while. I know that might sound odd. He asked me all sorts of questions about whether I was interested in him, if I wasn't with him now would I be with the friend and so on. We chatted a few hours before he left, and as he left he just said goodbye. No hug or anything, when usually when we're together hug and cuddle is all we do. I don't know what to do now about this? I text him last night to apologise for what I had to tell him. He did reply and wished me luck for my op today and asked me to let him know. Should I just leave him alone for a while or indefinitely? Or should I try to talk to him further? I'm not sure I should contact him today even though he asked me to let him know how it went...

I would contact him to let him know how the surgery went, then I would leave him alone to let him process the information.

Don't keep apologising or trying to explain it. You have given him the info he asked for & now it is up to him to decide what he wants to do.

Hope it all works out for you.

Thanks for that. He did text yesterday morning. A few texts were sent back and forth. He also said that what happened is in his head and he knows I have done nothing wrong and it's him that is the problem but that doesn't stop him caring. I did reply and said that he's entitled to feel what he feels about anything and not to invalidate his feelings. That was last night and I've had nothing today. So obviously it does stop him caring as he knew I had an op yesterday and hasn't even asked how I am today. I don't plan to text him, but I think we either need to talk about it and he needs to let me know if he can get past it or we just need to move on. Not happy about the silent treatment and being left in limbo when he has already told me I have done nothing wrong. It's like I'm being punished for what I did before I even knew he existed.

did reply and wished me luck for my op today and asked me to let him know

It was on you to let him know how the op went. He asked.

Sorry, I meant I did reply and told him it seemed to go okay. What I meant was, that today he hasn't contacted at all. I'm guessing that's it then really.

Well, it may not be "it", but there isn't anything you can do to change your past nor change his thinking, so I would just go about your life as planned. Without him.

Isn't this just a big overreaction though to something I did before meeting him? Or am I wrong to think this?

The issue isn't so much that you slept with someone he knows. The issue here is that you may have given him an STD. And that you never acknowledged that that was possible. Few 8 week relationships will survive that level of "omission".

He told me that the last person he slept with was in May. I said that he may have even got it then. He said no because he only had this issue in the last few weeks. So obviously he didn't wear protection with this person and I am pretty sure that this was someone he had a one night stand with on holiday in May. So it's very possible that it could have come from her and that he may even have given me one. The point I'm trying to make, is it that if he didn't use protection with her, which I'm pretty sure about, otherwise he would have said he used protection, he had sex with me knowing that he could be passing something to me.

He told me that the last person he slept with was in May. I said that he may have even got it then. He said no because he only had this issue in the last few weeks. So obviously he didn't wear protection with this person and I am pretty sure that this was someone he had a one night stand with on holiday in May. So it's very possible that it could have come from her and that he may even have given me one. The point I'm trying to make, is it that if he didn't use protection with her, which I'm pretty sure about, otherwise he would have said he used protection, he had sex with me knowing that he could be passing something to me.

Then why do you want to be with this guy?

I'm guessing he thought all was fine as he had no symptoms to speak of before a few weeks ago. And I haven't had any symptoms of any kind at all.

It can take a while for men to show that particular STD. And since he knows who his last partner was, and it was more than 8 weeks ago ---- it is likely you gave it to him.

This is the kind of thing that's generally avoided by waiting until you really know someone well before sleeping with them.

I'm guessing he thought all was fine as he had no symptoms to speak of before a few weeks ago. And I haven't had any symptoms of any kind at all.

But you aren't concerned about all this unprotected sex happening?

That's if he even has one as he hasn't gotten the results yet. I guess it's possible though. I'll be getting tested when I have recovered. I know that sometimes there are no symptoms at all so in that case, he could well have given me something so it would be unfair for him to think that he's the one to take the moral high ground. And it's not as if he asked me when I had last been tested before taking the risk to have unprotected sex with me.

I am concerned of course, but we agreed to be exclusive very early on.

So what? Neither of you had a clean bill of health walking in, which is incredibly irresponsible.

I agree, it was irresponsible to not have any conversation about it, but I was pretty sure I didn't have anything and so was he. Yet it's him giving me he silent treatment because of what happened before him. If it had been someone he didn't know then he wouldn't be acting like this. If he doesn't want to take things further then the decent thing would be to tell me right?

Yes, the decent thing to do would be to tell you. The prudent thing to do for you is to accept this crashed and burned, heal from your operation and go get tested before swimming in the dating pool again.

Would you advise to leave it and let him contact me if and when he sees fit or message him to ask him if it's something he thinks he can get past or not?

I think accepting it is over is best. Those questions are already on the table and he is answering them by being silent.

You should have told him about it before you became excusive. I don't agree with the way he handled things, either, but let this be a lesson to you for the future. I think this ship has sailed.

Practice safe sex in the future. As you have found, there is chance that you are already infected and don't even know it (whether it was you or him in this case) Plus you've only been together a short time - I can't imagine just casually thinking that at a few months it's time to stop protecting yourself!

Yeah I certainly won't make the same mistake again. It's just so annoying because since we have met, I've never done anything to harm the relationship. He still hasn't made contact so I guess it's over. Thanks for all the advice guys.

So another update. About 2 hours ago he text to say he hoped I was doing okay and that I wasn't too sore from the op. I told him a little bit and then he replied saying that it doesn't sound too good, and that he was going to see if I wanted him to pop over tomorrow to check on me, to see if I needed and shopping or anything and to see if we can talk things through but that if I wanted to be alone to rest for the weekend that it would be okay. So this is good or is he coming to break up with me?