I don't know what to do with alcohol and my friends

Let me start by saying I am 27 now. I have a professional job, I feel like I need to start growing up a little bit.

I am having problems with my friends and alcohol. I wouldn't call myself and alcoholic, nor anywhere near one, but alcoholism is in my family. My dad has battled it before, my sister got told by a psychiatrist basically that she was an alcoholic. I don't think I have a problem, and I would say I drink WAY LESS than most people I know. I may drink alcohol one or two nights a month. I don't drink beer for dinner, don't order when I go out, or anything like that. I've probably only been legally drunk 2-3 times in the past calendar year. My problem is once I hit a certain point, I don't have control anymore. It scares me, so even when I go out, most nights I'll slowly sip beers so I don't get to that point while all my friends drink heavily.

Unfortunately, last night was one of the nights I hit that point. I went out with my friends to celebrate one of my friends/co-workers winning a big trial. Everyone was getting wasted and they kept buying rounds of shots. My first mistake was I missed eating dinner so I had an empty stomach. Long story short, I ended up sleeping in the bathroom next to the toilet most the night. This is maybe the third time EVER, I have been this drunk. So again I don't think I have too bad a problem.

But the real problem I have, is all my friends want to go out drinking every weekend. And myself not wanting to do that anymore, leads me to spending a lot of nights home alone because I don't want to go out to the bars. And drunk people are always trying to get other people drunk, so I don't like going out and not drinking/drinking a little because it always turns in to them trying to buy me shots or getting comments like "you are nursing that beer", etc. My best friend since kindergarten, he still acts like he is in college, partying hard every weekend. Him and I have grown apart because I don't see the appeal in that anymore. My group of friends from work, they go out drinking all the time too, and always push for everyone to get wasted. They aren't about drinking in moderation. The girl who I really like, she likes going to bars too, and most the time I go out with her it's to a bar. But at least with her, I always make sure I pick her up at her house when we go out so I have the excuse I have to drive her home so I can stop at a couple and she won't give me too many problems about it.

Does anyone have any suggestions? I feel like my friends think I don't want to hang out with them and see myself distancing from some of my best friends, but I have no interest in going out getting drunk every weekend. I also don't want to get to a situation where alcoholism, which runs in my family, starts becoming an issue. At the same time I feel like it makes me a hermit and I am losing my friends. I don't know what to do.

I totally see what you mean. If you still want to go out with your friends but not drink as much, why don't you offer to be the DD, or does everyone take public transit?

Time to get more of a backbone and deal with those annoying and rude comments better. I'll tell you this - when I was in my early 40s I went to a fancy steak place for a sort of girl's night out. My son was a toddler and I couldn't stay out long (and was exhausted) . I also didn't want to spend a lot of $. So I ordered a small salad and no drinks. Everyone else was drinking (about $15 a drink). The woman sitting next to me-in her 30s- had a small infant at home -said to me "oh are you not drinking because you are nursing?" I said no, I just wasn't drinking. She persisted and stupidly I told her that no, I wasn't afraid of being hungover and in fact I'd never been drunk (yes, I had had alcohol many many times - like half a glass of wine at a time -I'm a lightweight) and she said "oh I feel sorry for you" (for never having experienced being drunk). She was a professional and a mom and still making those kinds of comments. Of course I laughed it off.

So, it doesn't end. Here is what I would do. First, order a drink that has seltzer, cranberry juice and a twist of lime - if you have to talk to the bartender and ask him not to say anything - that you are staying away from alcohol but you don't want to get flack from your friends -and tip him/her more. If they do shots tell them you're on antibiotics or something that won't mix well. Don't order any drink you have to "nurse". And realize your friends will find someone else to focus on and/or grow up a bit so you won't have to do this forever.

Given your career and career aspirations it makes no sense for you to waste a weekend feeling sick/hungover.

Maybe it's time to get into other stuff for your nights out. When I was in my twenties, I got really bored with going out just to drink. I made my own rule that if I was going out, there had to be dinner, or a band to see, or something that necessitated going somewhere. I started to refuse simply "going out drinking" as an acceptable activity. I also joined activities that kept me busy at night. For example, I volunteered for a theater that did shows on Fri./Sat. evenings.

You could find other things you're interested in that start early on weekend mornings, like hiking, mountain biking, volunteering somewhere. That would mean you can go out for a bit the night before but cut out early with a good excuse, or just stay in and get to bed early. The added bonus is that if you get involved with those types of activities, you'll probably meet people who don't go out and drink so much.

I think you are growing up and your friends are not. In fact, at 27, you should all be beyond the stage of getting wasted at bars on weekends as your main form of social life. Anyone over the age of 24-25 should just stop that as a form of social life, and more natually shift to things like dinners with friends rather than bar crawls, or having ONE drink then going home to partners and families rather than hanging out getting wasted at bars.

It is also unhealthy because that is a lot of alcohol hitting your liver for a lot of years, and firming up an unhealthy pattern that sets up alcoholism. So you may not be an alcoholic yet, but those friends whose whole social lives revolve around drinking and getting wasted every weekend are well on their way.

And being the designated driver every weekend at age 27 isn't helping either because you're enabling their drinking. And frankly it gets boring being the one sober person in the room with a bunch of drunks.

So you will have to address this head on, as in telling them that it's getting boring having your social life revolve around bars and drinking at your age, and not good for your livers either. So you need to start turning down these bar crawls and finding other people who are not big drinkers to have a social life with. It's fine to meet them once a month at a bar, but not every weekend. So continue to meet your old friends once a month for drinks, and leave early as soon as you've had a couple rather than sticking around for the sloppy drunkiness you know will follow.

Try to engage your closer friends from this group in one on one activities like meeting you for dinner or other activity (hiking, museums, movies) rather than at bars. And if you can't get them to engage in activities other than bars, then they ARE alcoholics, and you need to cut them off for your own sake and find a better class of friends who are maturing normally and not sinking into alcoholism and immaturity.

btw, that effect you feel where you lose control after a certain number of drinks is scientifically proven for ALL drinking. Alcohol stimulates the lower 'reptile' brain where impulses are 'if it feels good do it' while suppressing your higher cortical functions that control reason and logic. And once you cross over that line beyond a certain number of drinks (usually 2-3 for most people), your higher brain and good judgment is turned off and no longer in control and the lower brain is saying, 'yeah baby, gimme MORE MORE MORE that feels so good.' And that reptile brain in control is what sets up the cycle for alcoholics, who slide down that slippery slope in terms of losing the ability to control their drinking when the lower 'gimme pleasure' regions of the brain take control.

so that difficulty maintaining control and reason beyond a couple drinks is all about brain physiology/biology and nothing peculiar to yourself. You just happen to be more aware of it than most people, and have identified your trigger point. So stay beneath that threshold when you drink and you will be fine. But DON'T drink constantly or large quantities especially if you have alcoholics in the family because you have a higher risk of losing control. And it frankly sounds like your friends already have lost control if their social life revolves around drinking, drinking large amounts every weekend or for every social activity. Most people who are not alcoholics do it for a few years in their late teens/early 20s and then stop when they mature. But in mid-20s and beyond, that shouldn't be their lifestyle or everyone is at risk (or already there) in terms of alcoholism.

There is alcoholism in my family too. For that reason (and others), I've been careful when it comes to the role alcohol plays in my life too.

For those people you know to be heavy drinkers, what I've done is limit my time with them to times when there is not alcohol involved. And if I see them at a party or dinner or event where there is going to be a lot of drinking, I might go early and spend a bit of time and then leave before anyone gets even close to drunk.

I agree with what Batya said though. Because there will always be situations you find yourself in where you need to simply find a way to navigate the social pressures of someone(s) wanting you to do something you aren't comfortable doing. That's part of growing up too - going against the crowd sometimes. Without turning it into a production.

But really the main thing is to work at having a lifestyle yourself where there isn't room in it for a lot of drinking. That naturally cleanses out so many issues to do with alcohol.

good luck. hope you feel better after a night by the toilet. always a good reminder of how not fun that lifestyle really is.

I mean let's face it sometimes alcohol is a big part of being social. I live in a city where one of our favorite past times is drinking. I don't think there's anything wrong with your friends drinking just as I don't think there's anything wrong with you not drinking! The suggestion to start hiking, sports, or doing things where people probably wouldn't be drinking is a good one. Lastly if you go out with them. Just have like 3 beers and cut yourself off. If they try to buy you shots say no. Don't cave in to peer pressure. Problem solved!

I mean let's face it sometimes alcohol is a big part of being social. I live in a city where one of our favorite past times is drinking. I don't think there's anything wrong with your friends drinking just as I don't think there's anything wrong with you not drinking! The suggestion to start hiking, sports, or doing things where people probably wouldn't be drinking is a good one. Lastly if you go out with them. Just have like 3 beers and cut yourself off. If they try to buy you shots say no. Don't cave in to peer pressure. Problem solved!

I think he should avoid alcohol in his situation. I went to many many bars in my teens, 20s and 30s for socializing and often I drank nothing, sometimes I had half a beer or half a glass of wine. Nobody's business whether I drank or not.

I live in a city where one of our favorite past times is drinking.

I'm not sure I'd call drinking a pastime.

And honestly, I often find myself wishing I could get back the hours I wasted in a bar. Drunk or not, I still could have been doing something a lot more productive and helpful for myself and others.

I think hanging out with friends, talking and catching up, and maybe having a few drinks in the process is totally understandable once in a while. But to make drinking itself the activity and point of going out seems really sad to me somehow.

To each their own. I make the world a better place and am productive when I'm not drinking.

If you feel like drinking could be a problem for you just don't do it.

I'm not sure I'd call drinking a pastime.

And honestly, I often find myself wishing I could get back the hours I wasted in a bar. Drunk or not, I still could have been doing something a lot more productive and helpful for myself and others.

 

I think hanging out with friends, talking and catching up, and maybe having a few drinks in the process is totally understandable once in a while. But to make drinking itself the activity and point of going out seems really sad to me somehow.

I think, at least for me, the point of going out drinking is to see friends and be social. The OP said he was going out to bars with friends. Normally I see my old friends, coworkers and dates at happy hours. The fact that of matter is it can be tough to be social if you don't drink in your 20s and 30s. Now if you feel like you have a problem with drinking that's tough. I'd recommend him just not succumb to the peer pressure drunk friends bring and go at his own pace. If you're one of those people who can't control themselves when they drink. ie they go from one drink to belligerently drunk, then you should stay away from alcohol.

The fact that of matter is it can be tough to be social if you don't drink in your 20s and 30s.

I'm not sure that's a fact. When you're immersed in that world of bars and drinking, it's easy to forget that there are tons of people in their twenties and thirties that are doing other things.

I rarely drink and when I do, I drink 1 drink tops these days. OP, I think it would help to 1) encourage your friends to do other activities that don't revolve around drinking and 2) maybe find other friends to hang out with sometimes.

Many people in their 20s/30s don't use drinking as a past time. You just need to find them.

I have been DD for years for my friends in the past and honestly, I'm sick of it. That's enabling and you're not really having fun, just watching after stupid drunks and then driving them home. There are better ways to spend the night than being an unpaid chauffeur.