2013 - Lucky Year Diary

I had a diary on here which I wrote in sporadically, but after going back a few pages and no diary appearing, I decided screw it - new year, new diary, hopefully with a lot more positive entries!

The truth is I got to a place where instead of feeling depressed, I only felt sedated. No negative feelings, really no feelings at all. I didn't know whether or not I had gotten over my depression or simply gotten used to it. There was nothing wrong with my life, but then again, there never was - that was entirely the problem. But the past two years have been fine - no great joy, no great sorrow. My life has consisted of school (which I truly and wholly enjoy, as I am endlessly passionate about the subject I am studying), my closest friends, and travel with my family. I know, what the hell am I complaining about?

Leading up to the year 2013, I had a great feeling. 13 has always been my lucky number (I'm not superstitious, but sometimes it's nice to "believe" in things just because they're nice; Santa Claus is another example, IMHO religion is not). So I was excited to see what the year had to offer me; after all, what it had to offer me was really entirely up to myself, and I had decided to do everything in my power to make 2013 a great year.

Well, so far, it has been off to a wonderful start. Literally, not even an hour into the New Year, I met someone. I'm the first to admit that I have an exhaustive list of deal-breakers and non-negotiables when it comes to a romantic partner (I reserve the right to be picky when it comes to something so important as matters of the heart - I think everyone should!), so it really is a rare occasion for me to meet someone that I actually like. Really, at the end of the day, checklist or no checklist, the only thing that truly matters is chemistry, but that is such a rare thing in itself! I think I had truly given up on the idea of meeting someone, and true to form, when you least expect it, it happens.

But that is a scary thing in itself. I find myself feeling really happy these days, and it is almost as if I am just waiting for something bad to happen, for one of my other life domains to completely unravel, because seriously, can life actually be this good? Like what, are we just gonna ride off into the sunset now and live happily ever after? Happiness is by no means a novel feeling to me, but it has been missing in action for a long time, and I guess I am completely unsure of what to even do with it! I know, I know, we only just met; I am completely getting ahead of myself, and by no means do I have any grand expectations, simply because I am too scared to have any. Build a pedestal - and tumbling down they will come...

But my God, he really is something. He makes 5 hour conversations go by in the blink of an eye. And, I am just myself around him. Not this watered-down version that usually appears (against my very will!) when I am in the presence of anyone who isn't my family, or my three closest friends. Okay, enough gushing! I am waiting impatiently to have a Skype date with my best friend who is already 20 minutes late (of which I am not surprised; why is that some people find the concept of time so damn tricky?). Argh, it's such a little thing, but you really shouldn't be so disrespectful of other people's time. Advice of the day, hehe - learn something, kids!

Anyways, I shall take my impatience elsewhere. Goodbye!

There seems to have been some kind of a shift in the way my mind has been working lately; it feels calmer, does not spin thoughts constantly and erratically, and is just in a very serene place. No overanalyzing, no overthinking - though a mind is a terrible thing to waste, it's also a terrible thing to run into a tailspin. I think the problem has been that for the past 2 years, everything dealing with relationships and the opposite sex and dating and romance and love has been strictly theoretical; I've spent so much time thinking about these things, discussing these things, debating these things, and no time actually experiencing these things. I've forgotten what it's like to just be; to let my mind die down and be totally present, to throw caution to the wind, to be impulsive, to just like someone without analyzing it, categorizing it, or wondering where it is headed.

I was explaining to my best friend, A, that at the moment I have ZERO expectations regarding R and I. She said, "It's a shame that you should worry so much at this point in time, when you should just enjoy that you met someone that you're interested in." She misunderstood. I have zero expectations, and I don't mean that in a negative sense at all. What I mean is, at the moment I am just focusing on RIGHT NOW, not the future, and not where things are headed. I have no expectations, because it's really too soon to have any. It's so strange, but I almost NEVER daydream about him, which ... is normally a bit of a compulsion of mine. I think it might be a good thing. Daydreaming is an enjoyable activity, but it builds up SO many expectations, and it's not real life. I never nightdream about him either. At the moment he is just an actual person in my life, not some God-like figure that I am creating in my mind, that I am building scenarios around, that I am holding to holy grail standards because that's the way it was in my head.

This will be an interesting year indeed. A and H are having their baby this summer, and moving from Australia. They are my closest friends, and I will miss them dearly. Suddenly, it seems that me and A's life are thrown in entirely different directions; I am young, single, my academic career is my number one priority and in just one semester I will finally begin Honors, whilst she is young and committed, taking a break from school, and obviously her role as a mother will be the most important thing in her life. I wonder how our friendship will withstand not only being so far away from each other in the geographic sense, but also in the roles that we'll play and priorities we'll hold. Shamefully, I do find myself feeling uninterested in some of the baby-related things she talks about. Don't get me wrong; when she told me she was pregnant, I jumped for joy and I truly think it is the greatest and most wonderful news ever and will love her son (and my godson) as if he were my own, but when she sends me links to baby stuff that she is buying or has bought, I truly could not care less about it! She is one of the most interesting people I know, so please dear God, don't let her turn into one of those baby-making mutants that can speak of nothing but their child and whose sole identity is being a mother! (She has already herself expressed concerns about this.) Not that I'm actually being serious; I think hell will freeze over the day that this would ever happen. But yes, our friendship will stand some trials in the coming year, but I am certain we will overcome them all

It's almost 3 pm now. I have a Skype date with R at 9, and I can't wait. I truly am just really happy in his (virtual) company. He is not someone I would expect to like; I mean, in many senses he is, as he is intelligent, funny, perceptive, charming, silly, and just altogether wonderful, but on the other hand, he is far from an idealist, and even further from humble, he can be flashy, simplistic, inexpressive, impersonal. But you know what? None of it matters. I just like him, it's as simple as that. My brain has quieted down now, my heart is doing all the beating. Will possibly update after tonight's Skype session

Ugh, had a Skype date with R last night, and I can feel the doubt and questions creeping up on me again. I feel that in so many ways that we are just not what the other wants, and it seems strange for us to continue pursuing each other, yet we do. It does not really make much logical sense; then again, attraction isn't math (if only it was, because math I actually understand!). He is EXTREMELY confident, flashy, has a larger than life persona that I'm sure a lot of girls would find appealing, but not me. Sometimes he says things that are just so self-serving and arrogant I can't even think of a response, other than to roll my eyes, or throw my head down in sheer exasperation. And look at me. I am sensitive, emotional, flaky, validation-seeking; all the things he specifically does not want in a girl. He told me he does not need external validation, that he can self-sustain or thrive on his own intrinsic knowledge that he really is something, and so all my confessions and expressions of admiration feel almost wasted on him. I, on the other hand, desperately needs reassurance; he, on the other hand, is not someone who is naturally forthcoming with it. Surely, we don't stand a chance.

Am I willing to settle for something that is so far from what I had envisioned the perfect romance to be, only because my knees go weak every time he calls me 'baby'? He told me he is out of practice with dating. Quite honestly, I can tell. But I am out of practice too, and as I said before, maybe I've romanticized and intellectualized everything to do with romance and attraction a bit too much, to the point where the real thing has become almost unrecognizable to me. Quite honestly, I'm used to receiving a lot more praise, and unlike him, praise is something I need. But maybe I should take a page from his book, maybe it is narcissistic to demand that the person who likes you should constantly remind you why he does in fact do so. I am insecure, I am the first to admit it! In this respect (as well as many others), we are just so different from each other it's hard to understand how we even get along.

Obviously, these are just ramblings; I do not have the unrealistically ambitious goal of actually coming to some sort of conclusion with this entry. It's all too soon to tell, still. But I am definitely far from certain about him; I mean, I am certainly certain that I like and feel attracted to him, but still certainly uncertain of whether or not he is someone I would actually want to be in a relationship with (and would be compatible with). Although we talk of a pretend future, it's all just talk.

Last night's Skype date with R went amazingly! I felt relaxed (finally!) and we talked for 7.5 hours. (Unfortunately, our conversation was rudely interrupted and cut short by Skype malfunctioning on us ) He makes me laugh and we talk so much nonsense and I love it. But when we don't talk nonsense, when we're actually having a serious conversation, I do find him intimidating sometimes, as I find him to be just so wise and smart and perceptive, and I feel somewhat inferior to him in this regard, as if I am bringing less to the conversation, which is not a feeling I am used to, and not one I particularly like. I guess I find myself asking, why me? Why does he like me? And he sure as hell ain't gonna tell me, so that's for me or anyone else to guess!

Still, I can't WAIT to see him in just a couple of weeks. I'm trying not to think about it too much (as in getting all Woody Allen about it and freaking out over every little thing that could go wrong), and am actually succeeding. Still, I cannot help but to think about the fact that we have not slept together yet and that so many expectations are building up and that the pressure to have good sex is ON. It would just be such a grave disappointment to find out that the physical chemistry just wasn't there, when everything else seems to be. We've both established that sex is very important to us and important in a relationship, so it really feels like a make-it-or-break-it deal. I'm actually a really big advocate of not rushing into sex and waiting and letting tension build up and becoming emotionally invested in the person, but this whole situation (so actually putting it into practice) has got me rethinking my whole stance on the matter. I mean, can anyone really handle that much pressure? And is sexual chemistry something that maybe needs to be established from the get-go? I mean, I know I am physically attracted to him (very!), but to me, those are two different things. You can think someone is handsome or beautiful without necessarily having sexual chemistry with them. Anyways, not gonna think myself into a rut here; like I said, trying not be get all neurotic about it, that never seems to lead to any good!

Oh my God, I am going to see and stay with R in just 6 days! It is absolutely crazy; such an intense situation for two people who have only met TWICE in real life, though as he did point out, we have already spent more time on Skype together than we will be during that 5 day period. I honestly have no expectations; I have NO idea what it will be like. I do really really like him, but I am uncertain if we really are compatible. He has a very big personality, takes up a lot of space, and I have a big personality too, which tends to get somewhat neutralized in his company. I'm unsure if there really is room for the two of us in a relationship? He doesn't talk down to me, but sometimes I really feel like he invalidates things that I say, by responding nothing other than, "God, you THINK too much!" Sometimes he just doesn't even respond, like when I finally told him that my previous relationship had been an abusive one (something that I don't like to tell people, just because I feel like they automatically assume that you're weak or have low self-worth for having put up with physical abuse). Anyways, he barely acknowledged what I said, and kept continuing on with whatever he was talking about. It left me sitting with a really bad feeling. The next time we talked I raised the issue, and he explained that because I'm so open in general he didn't take it as a big deal that I was telling him that (even though it was to me), and that things like that don't surprise him because it is so common, and sorry for making me feel bad. Okay, I guess.

My biggest concern is that he is self-involved (I can't decide whether I think he is or not yet; how one-sided or two-sided the conversation is varies so much, though I do feel like most times it IS all about him). Self-involvement is definitely a deal-breaker to me, as I have been with someone like that before, and it is incredibly unsatisfying. I guess I just feel like he doesn't SEE me sometimes. He never gives me any form of compliments, so I have NO idea why he even likes me, and he rarely asks any personal questions. I guess I'll just have to wait and see what the dynamic is like when I go see him. But right now, the prognosis is not so good. Still, he makes me laugh and smile and happy and I think about him all the time. But love is not an unselfish thing, not even nearly. As much as it is about how I feel about him, it is also about how I feel about ME, and to be honest, I don't feel that great about myself in his company. So, not good enough.

Diary!

I am supposed to be producing intelligent sentences for a highly complex essay with a deadline rapidly approaching, and seriously, what I have generated so far is on a whole new level of suck, so instead of facing my inadequacy in this particular piece of academic conjecture, ripe with non-sequiturs and the simplest of analysis, I came here instead to do something I'm actually good at... think (or more correctly speaking, write!) myself into a rut!

Soo... I have so many updates I don't know where to begin! I went to London to see R, and to quote Charles ****ens in A Tale of Two Cities, "it was the best of times; it was the worst of times." So the best: He surprised me by taking me to Paris to stay at the luxurious and beautiful Le Bristol where they filmed the Woody Allen(

But... the worst: I could not help but feel incredibly insecure in his company, as he never complimented me or gave me any form of validation, and was generally a wee bit self-involved. The night after returning to London, I woke up with a panic attack. I have never had a panic attack before (though anxiety is no foreign agent to me) but luckily I had a doctor on hand to not only diagnose, but also, medicate me. That's right, I came to London to have a whirlwind romance and fall in love, and instead ended up having panic attacks and taking psychoactive medication ...I find this hilarious. In fact, I was speaking to my best friend as all this was happening, telling her that literally right now as we spoke I could HEAR him rummaging through his medicine cabinet on the search for Valium to administer to me, and she could not help but see the humor in the tragic either! Moreover, the last night I was there, numerous factors accumulated to make me decide that there was no purpose in me coming back, as I simply felt that, due to his somewhat cold and aloof nature and lack of affection and compliments toward me, he simply must not be that into me. So, I told him this, in a rather emotional state, and he responded simply: "You're being neurotic, I think you should take a Valium," to which I complied Which I totally shouldn't have, because my reaction was not simply due to my sensitive somewhat anxious and insecure nature, but also elicited by some of HIS behavior! It seems sometimes not to occur to him that I don't exist in a vacuum, and I feel one of his biggest flaws is his poor ability to take other people's perspectives and understand their point of view.

Anyway, I have to catch a bus home soon, plus lack of brain power is equaling to lack of intelligent thoughts right now. Anyway, we have not spoken properly (as in on Skype) for over 2 weeks and I have begun to give up on the idea of us, and stopped envisioning a future together ages ago. It's all very sad ... but regardless, I am sure it all was worth it for moments of brief happiness, for oatmeal and Visions of Johanna, for a second in time of feeling like someone liked me and I liked them back and it was all gonna work out perfectly.