"I love U but dont like the person you have become" gaming addiction need advise

Situation:

Wife told me she loves me but does not like the person I have become around 7 weeks ago. I am 30 years old and wife is 31. We have been married for 9 years on 8/8/2012, known her for around 11 years. We have 3 kids 6 year old daughter, 3 year old son, 1 year old daughter. I have a computer gaming addition that has caused the downfall of my marriage. Moved out 5 weeks ago and she filed for a Petition for Divorce on 8/3/2012. This is not the same thing as filing for divorce in the state of Louisiana and it last for 1 year. Once that year is up we can either extend it or she can file for divorce. At the beginning she was somewhat open to R if I were to show true change but I have kind of pushed her away and now she does not know if it is too late for reconciliation and as of this week basically said she wants a divorce. Will not go to marriage counseling till I fix myself and she also will not consider dating during the separation.

Prior Marriage Background:

Both wife and I had difficult childhoods. Her father was an alcoholic and was physically abusive to her mom. My parents were alcoholics that did not know how to parent a child so my early life was faced with a lot of loneliness. I also had a rather large settlement from my biological dads death that allowed me to go through college/high school without having to work AKA never got a chance to grow up. Both wife and I have Master degrees, hers in social work and mine in Business. We got engaged at the age of 20 and married at 21/22.

Marriage Background:

First year of marriage was rough. I was not ready to grow up and be married. Didn’t have a real job and would spend most of my time playing online video games when not at work or school. I had graduated in Accounting but had no desire to look for an accounting job. She on the other hand was supporting us with her job and we were blowing through the settlement to make ends meet. She kicked me out and said if I don’t find a job she would not let me back. I got off my butt and found a job and she let me back in after a few days. I had always played games but what I didn’t realize at the time was that I was developing an addition that would soon ruin my life. I quit playing games for a while maybe about 6 months or so but started playing them again. We had a first child after 3 years of marriage. I was so preoccupied with gaming that I would neglect both her and my daughter. The first year of life I had never fed her, rarely changed a diaper, would not stay up with her, and was sleeping in another room so that I would not “roll on top of her” but really I was in the computer room playing games. This went on for the next 3 years, I would start playing and wife would nag me till I would stop but it only last a few months then I was back to playing.

Wife’s mother had a stroke and husband left her. We took her in and she has been living with us for the last 6 years. This was a blessing and a curse. The blessing was she no daycare, cooked for us, help clean helped with the kids. The curse was she was there for my wife to go to when I was not being emotionally there for her which made me feel like I was not needed, her helping with the kids made it easier for me to not help with the kids, no privacy, and I became jealous of her relationship with my wife and would lash out at her. We had our second kid 3 years later. I help more with him. Fed, cleaned, played, etc but not the extent I should have. I would stay up with him because it made it easier for me to play games. I would stay up 5-6 nights a week till 2-3am in the morning and only get like 3 hours of sleep. Wife got sick of this and threatened to kick me out. But let me back in that same day. I stopped playing again but secretly played behind her back. Few months later I started playing again just not nearly as much. This was the story up until D day. I would stop then start. Getting my IPhone was the worst thing I could have done because I could easily play games no matter where I was at.

1 year ago she went to see a Decon at our church and she was ready to leave me. He convinced her to give it 6 months and if things didn’t change he would OK the divorce. I didn’t know this at the time and when they brought me in for counseling I was angry and hurt. I thought things were ok and that I didn’t have a problem. So I did not fully participate in the counseling and we only went to 1 session. 3 months later I started playing again and she told me that night “you make decisions in life and you will have to live with the consequence”. I ignored this and did it anyway only playing 2 nights a week. My wife stopped nagging me and I thought things were OK that I finally found a balance. Boy was I wrong.

Sex life to me was great 2-3 times a week. What I didn’t realize was she just did it so I would not argue with her. When she didn’t want to have sex I would guilt her into it or get pissed and she would sometimes give in. She would never initiate it and that bother me. Also the thing we used to do she stopped and it was more of let’s get this over with. God I was so blind and selfish.

My addition made me repress and I was very unsociable, would lash out at people, and was an all-around miserable person to be around. But we had our good times but it got to the point we were constantly fighting and she would feel like she was walking on eggshells around me until she just gave up. I was selfish and put my own needs before everyone else. I would hide the fact I spent money on games and lie to her about monthly subscriptions or the fact I was even playing them.

She held this in for so long it just all came out at once. She told me she was done being married to me that she cannot stand the sight of me that it made her angry. She had no emotion towards me and was like a different person. I cried, begged, pleaded, etc and she let me stay but that was only for 1 week before she just said I had to leave or she would. That we both needed time to cool off and figure out what we both wanted. I moved out and started researching gaming addictions and that was when I realized I had a problem because when I read the stories I saw me in every one of them.

Separation:

Have not played a game in 7 weeks and have absolutely no desire to. Been in addiction therapy for 5 weeks now and she has been a tremendous help. Move out of my parents into an apartment 3 weeks ago. Have been working on my relationship with my kids and they actually enjoy being around me now. I have done a complete 180 when it comes to being a father. My kids though are not taking it too well especially my oldest. Usually it’s a 10-20 min fight to get her out my car because she wants to stay with me.

I have taken this whole thing so hard. I am lonely, afraid, lost 20 pounds, have not slept longer than 4 hours a night in over 7 weeks. I have been screwing up left and right. I would have good days and think my wife is coming around then do something stupid like talk to her sick granny. She called the wife and told her to take me back I was a changed man and this infuriated her. Or last week I drove to the house and sat in the driveway because I could hear them playing in the play room (garage) and the mother in law saw me and they called the cops…yeah I am not proud of this but I was so low that all I wanted to do was hear her and the kids voices. She was scared but after talking to my therapist she understood why I did it and is not mad at me. I also had good moments. Like she invited me to breakfast with the kids 2 sat ago and we talked about the Hurricane and invited me to evacuate with her and get one hotel (followed by a change of heart and told me I was on my own she was evacuating with friends). I had a talk 2 days ago when I gave her the signed divorce papers. Some of the phrases she used were…I love you and I care a great deal about you, I don’t regret marrying you, I am no longer angry with you, you were not a horrible husband and we did have good times, I just said those things because I was angry, I am not doing this to hurt you and I don’t like to see you in pain. But she also said she does not love me romantically and does not think she ever could and that was not normal. I told her our situation is not normal but people fall in and out of love during the course of their marriage and that is normal part of marriage and not a reason for divorce. I also said that yeah we could find someone but the divorce rate for second marriage is 60% and third marriage is 75% so there is a good chance we drag our kids through this all over again.

At first she told me that there was a chance for reconciliation. But last week we met with our attorney on a pending lawsuit and he also is a divorce attorney. He gave us a 15 min lecture about the impact of divorce. Asked who was the selfish on which my wife replied I guess that would be me. He asked if we loved our children and that if we do we would do whatever it takes to save the marriage because we are setting them up for failure. She replied that only happens in divorces where the both spouses fight eachother and are not civil. He asked if she wanted to see the statistics and that they dont distinguish and that in his 20+ years of experience the children are almost always impacted negativily. She began crying and did so for the duration of our meeting. She basically said at this point she was going through with the divorce. When we left she got up didnt say good bye or shack their hands and walked out. Had I not said goodbye she would have just kept walking.

I meet with my couselor and asked about the program Retrouvaille and she said if i could get her to go it would be a good idea. The closest one was happening next week so I needed to know ASAP. Gave her the paperwork and told her to let me know what she thought and that my therapist recommended it. She never even read the information and when i asked about it the next day she said she didnt know. Then called my therapist and told her she would not even consider it. I havent lost all hope but it is looking pretty grim. Now we are back to square one where she is cold and distant.

You know what they say…you don’t know what you have until you lost it…well those words could not be any truer in my situation. I finally understand how she has been feeling and I am so angry at myself for being so blind and selfish. Hopefully she will give us another chance and realize that divorce is not the answer but as of right now I don’t have much hope for that.

I have also paid for 6 sessions with a divorce busting coach and this saturday would be my 2nd session. Any help would be appreciated.

If you are sure you want to be married to her:

You must change into a new man and atone for your offenses you committed against your wife. That’s the secret of all married men know.

Secretly buy Gary Smalley’s “If only he knew” Never let her see this book.

Treat her like Smalley recommends and she will most likely come back to you.

Don’t waste time! Very bad people are pulling on your wife. There standard advice, which plays on her “learned” anger, is to have sex with someone as soon as possible.

This is usually the last nail in otherwise savable compatible marriages.

If you are unsure… all you need is an attorney.

PS, Most counseling hurts marriages chances. The core of the problem is it wastes time, which the wayward wife views as indifference… VERY BAD!

Counselors need money and therefore drag out any useful advice they could ever offer.

It’s not in their best interest to save marriages!

They pickup the residuals from broken marriages everyday.

PS2, Ignore her statements of divorce.

It's a tough one, because if it were me, I would have tried to move on years ago. I truly need a partner to be happy. Someone who wants to spend time with me, go to bed with me at night and be there when I need help with the kids. Without it, I would be hurt, and to protect myself I would start distancing myself emotionally so that I wouldn't hurt as much.

She may have successfully done that, based on how hard it would have been after the lawyer's lecture on divorce.

I think that the only thing you can do is be the best dad and the best ex you can be, and maybe she'll come around. I hope it works out for you.

If you have done a complete 180 as a father, gotten into addiction therapy and it's working.... you are not screwing up left and right.

Enjoy and acknowledge your triumphs, and don't let the set backs knock you off kilter. The only thing you can do to show your wife that you have changed is to show it, every day. Kicking an addiction is a struggle, and while most people will scoff at how serious a gaming addiction can be... I get it. I dated a gaming addict, and I'm not so sure that at one time I wasn't one as well, to a lesser degree. Your wife needs to "get it" too, and understand that there will be setbacks and you won't always handle everything perfectly - you're learning. Time and continued effort will show her that, and you just have to be patient. Can she come to a meeting with you? Talk to a counselor with you? Do something that helps explain your addiction to her and what changing your life really means for you?

Can't guarantee that she'll come back, can't guarantee it's going to be an easy road...but it sounds like you are on the right track.

I completely understand. I dont blame her for leaving. I even told her hell I am not sure why you stuck with me so long that she is stronger than me because i dont think I would have waiting that long before leaving. I am not going to sit here and place blame on her. I know it takes 2 to destroy a relationship but i also know that although she had a part in its demise I am responsible for 90+% of it. I was living in denial for so long. Telling her she was the one with the problems not me. I was so stupid and selfish it is not even funny. I neglected everyone around me and now i am feeling the pain she has been feeling for so long. Its like everyday i have my heart ripped out my chest and I deparately try and piece it back together only to have it rip out again. The rejection that I am feeling is so overwhelming i find myself breaking down on drives to and from work. I can not even imagine the pain she has felt and to get to the point were she is at now where she see only divorce as an option is a true testimate to how bad i treated her.

The sad thing is now we have 3 kids thrown into the mix and they are hurting. My oldest has gotten better with the crying when I drop her off but that is usually because my wife will have something scheduled fun so she would be excited to leave. I try all that I can to not show them the pain that I am feeling and try and make the feel safe. I take any opportunity I have to see them because when I am with them everything seems OK and I am truly happy but the minute they leave its like my heart being ripped out again. The sad thing is it took them being ripped away from me to realize exactly what I was missing. I used to get so angry and them for being loud or not listening and it cause my relationship with my oldest to be terrible. Now i sit in my appartment in solitude longing for the chaos and screaming to be heard but i am faced with silence and loneliness.

I am so angry with myself for being the person I was and letting it get so bad. Placing virtual friends over my own wife and kids. Repressing from the outside world because I didnt know how to deal with real life. Pushing friends, family, everyone away and being a bitter unhappy person. The day i was able to accept the fact that I could not control my addiction and that i was powerless was the day this weight was lifted. It was the day I was able to open up. Am I ashamed of being an addict? No, i have accepted it and am not going to hide it...i hid it for 9 years and look where that has gotten me. Am I ashamed of what it made me become? Yes, there is not a day that goes by that I dont regret what i became but I am trying to move past that but it is so hard.

I pray everyday to God to let my wife be at peace and forgive. Not because I want her back but because i see the pain in her eyes the anger and guilt. If she cant get past these feeling i fear she will carry it into her future relationships and have to relive the past and she deserves better. I also pray that one day she will be able to accept me back into her life in whatever form that may be. Do I hope it is reconciliation...ofcourse but if that is not the case i hope that one day she can look at me and see me as a friend that she can come to and confide in.

Have I given up hope? No, and i will never even if we go through with the divorce but I also have to face the fact that divorce will probably be the outcome. That fact will not change my feeling for her nor will it stop me from becoming a better man, husband, and father. I want to become a person that would be stupid to leave and I know that will take time which is what i have right now. I have learned that I can not make these changes for her because if i do they will not stick i have to do them for myself.

Divorce can not be filed for until 8/3/2013 so I have 11 months to win my wife back. 11 years ago she fell in love with me and she still loves me. I have no doubt in my mind I can make her fall back in love with me and see the person she married so long ago. I just have to learn to let her live her own life and stoping pursuing her and doing stupid things that cause setback. I can do it...i am a strong will person.

Twist, Respectfully, (I know how you feel!! There is no greater pain!)

You are talky talking yourself right out of your marriage. If that’s what you want… no problem your doing a great job.

I saved my marriage and I can help you do the same! BUT you must stop thinking and talking so much. She hate’s you but she hates mush burgers even more! (The door for parasites.)

Buy Smalley tonight. Amazon used works well.

PS, Most here have good intentions but can only be sympathetic, (Know of it but did not live it.)

If you want to save your marriage talk to people who saved their marriages! (Empathy)

PS2, My main reason for being here is to save marriages. Click on my name and read old posts. I don't change what I say.

I am reading it reading it now. Picked it up on the way home. I will admit it thinking is all I do now. Main reason I can not sleep at night. I will read your post because honestly I am making all the wrong moves and don't know what to do at this point. I try and not contact her because that is what she wants right now.

It's not about her! Goodnight

It’s about being a great husband! Your job is to become a great husband whom is available to her exclusively.

If you decide to become a great husband the following thoughts WILL be in your wife’s mind:

Oh sure, I fix him and now some other no-name is going to get him!

She will probably be younger than me!

She will probably be childless and have a perfect body!

He’ll be happy and travel!

They will have money!

How pretty is she?

Etc.

First Aid:

Twist, Your job is to getting thinking the above! This how to get her back!

- Change you!

- Stop offering and talking so much.

- In a nice way. HOLD BACK INFORMATION!

- Stop being an open book!

- Buy new clothing today. Throw out something old today.

PS, Don't tell her about this forum, book whatever. No more suggestions of counseling or working together... It's weakness!

PS2, Smile when you see her!

PS3, Crest white-strips for your teeth.

Think about your new wife a lot!

These are things that I have been doing. For instance, I have changed my hair style completely. I have been having the same hair style our whole marriage and when we separated i decided to change it. Which she did notice. The first time she saw me she didnt say anything but when I dropped the kids back off she asked if I did something different to my hair which of course she knew the answer seeing as it is completely different then before. I may not have bought new cloths due to financial issues but i dress nice now. Tucked in shirt, never wear T shirts etc. I do this even if I am waking up early in the morning to bring them back to the house and have just woken up. I make sure I am always dressed nice and hair styled whenever I see her. I have lost 20 pounds and am at premarriage weight. On top of that I have been working out and running 1-2 miles everyday I get a chance which is pretty much everyday I do not have the kids all night which is 5-6 days out the week.

When I am around her I smile and pretend like everything is OK. I make it a point to thank her for things she does, like when she drops the kids off at my house i tell her. Thank you for dropping them off i really appreciate it. Or last night she had to bring my youngest to the hospital and when she got home my 3 year old was puking. She called me to ask if I could bring sprite. I did, stayed for a little bit so her and her mom could get ready for bed and offered to help her. She said she was OK and I left. I texted her this morning to see how they were last night and thanked her for taking care of them and wished I could have done more to help.

I rarely ever call her or text her. I try and let her make the initial contact and when she does call I am very short and to the point and am usually the one that ends the conversation. But I do end up doing stuff I know I should not like offer to help with the choirs or cut the grass. Or as of late suggest a marriage weekend retreat. I did not offer it to her right off the bat. I talked it over with my therapist and she said if I could get her to go it would be a good idea but I followed that up with pressure to make a decision which was a bad move.

Do i try and complement her or just be really short and to the point and only talk about kids? I know I am not supposed to hang on to the conversations and listen when she speaks. But honestly right now I get the vibe that she does not even want to talk to me even about the kids.

She says she wants me to hang out with people and go out and have a life without her. Do most spouses that leave tell you this and mean it. Does it mean they moved on and want you to move on too?

The reason I ask if I should complement her and the reason I ask her if she needs anything done is because when she broke the news too me she said "we never complement each other or encourage each other". She also complained about me never doing anything unless she nagged me. So I guess in my mind by complementing her and telling her thank you as well as offering to help around the house and being there for her to do things it might see that I am no longer that person that I used to be that she had to nag to do things or would never tell her thank you or complement her on how she looks or things she did.

Your doing good. Did you read “If only he knew” yet?

A sincere compliment here and there is okay. A sorry is much more important at this juncture. Small superficial compliments and acts are normal in a healthy marriage. She will scoff at most as cheap tricks to get her back… but she will not forget them.

Anything you do that encourages her to talk is good! If she does… do not interrupt, correct or challenge in anyway. When she is done… don’t talk. Nod or some other non-verbal instead. If the chance for a “sorry about that”, pops up, take it.

Once is enough… she’s not stupid.

Please note, there are no guarantees in marriage. It takes years save/build a healthy balanced marriage. You may be too late. I consider that okay because you a learning what it means to be a great husband. Great husbands/men become very happy!

If you continue on the path of being a great husband your wife will move back in your direction. At first, the manifestation of this movement will most likely be anger. You must be patient, and aware of the deep wounds you inflicted on her with your unloving ways.

Women/wives are not like us! When a man is offended, (if he even notices), he might strike back but almost always forgets the incident.

A WIFE NEVER DOES THIS!

Instead, she begins to build a brick wall between you and her.

- A careless comment about her day; “So what did you do today?” Brick

- How about the party favorite of never standing next to her and listening. Brick

- Or the ever favorite, in front of relatives; “Yea, our house is always dirty” Entire brick row!

Most husband never notice until they can only see the top of their wife’s head. Unbeknownst to hubby, this hapless little woman is building a new life on the other side of that wall.

So what does that mean? In years gone by it meant getting a hobby, distance and sometimes divorce.

Nowadays, in our hyper-sexed world… an "understanding man”. (wink)

Twist, have you noticed/heard or even had a gut thought about her cheating?

PS, Can’t talk much on weekends.

I have read up to chapter 5 in the book. My wife cares for me greatly. She never once denied it and as of last week told me she still loves me just not romantically and that she hates that she cause me so much pain. She just does not know if she could ever fall in love with me again. She is not mean nor does she lash out at me. Never calls me names and admits that I am a wonderful father. Trust on the other hand that is what is the biggest obstacle for me right now. She does not trust me after years of covering up, lying, and telling her i would quit playing games but never did.

Books I have read since split. Divorce busters, divorce remedies, 5 love languanges, and Stop your divorce by homer Mcdonald.

There was never another man in the picture before the separation. We were always together with our 3 kids and she is a social workers and her last job was all women as was this one. Is there one now...i do not know. Did i think there was one a week ago due to her facebook account she set up and invited a person at our church who is a single dad and 4 years older. But i trust her and she is not the kind of person that would do that. She will drop friends if they cheat on their spouses but i am not sure what is going through her head. I dont think she considers herself married to me right now being as we are legally separated and has take off her ring weeks ago. But she is catholic and believe you need an annulment to remarry so who knows. I have taken that thought out of my head because it was making me sick to my stomach and wanting to go snooping which could have dire consequences.

You said, "But i trust her and she is not the kind of person that would do that." Twist, I can't tell you how wrong you are! I and millions of other husbands all found out just how wrong we were.

She can and she will! She is not the person you think! She's mad and lonely... a perfect target

Ring off!

The ubiquitous church, (fill in the blank), "man"! It’s always someone close!

VERY BAD!

You must prepare… Buy James Dobson’s “Love must be Tough” today. Again never let her see this book. (Forget what you think you know about Tough Love. You’re wrong.)

PS, Being hit with an affair now could end your life. Yes, it happens everyday... read the papers! Being prepared is prudent and must be done asap.

PS2, Your wrong about your wife and her friends.

PS2, Now that you read those so-called marriage books… put them away for a good laugh years from now.

Did she actually say this, “She just does not know if she could ever fall in love with me again.”

If so, it’s good and bad.

Good because she still may be open to mature direction.

The direction comes from you changing into a genuinely loving man who has limits and honor.

These limits must be stated to her in a loving, but no uncertain terms when the chance arises.

Example: (While doing this… no distractions and watch her eyes and face!)

She tells you she wants you to be happy and if you meet someone she would be happy for you.

You - I don’t understand honey what do you mean?

Her – If you met someone I would understand.

You – You mean now? While working on our marriage? (Do not be afraid to say this!)

Her – No, I mean in the future, if we don’t work out. (Watch her carefully and expect unpleasant surprises. DO NOT EMONTIONALY REACT!)

You – (Regardless of her response.) Oh, I’m sorry I misunderstood. I’m really working hard to change and will change but there can be no other man… ever.

Her – Oh, you don’t have to worry about that. (Watch those eyes and report back to me.)

End it there... Remember, she not your possession or a child! Don't teach her anything.

Bad because it’s open-ended and she is most likely would allow for input from whomever.

This is normal and hopefully she will only get advice from other women in her “circle of

sorrow”. Be warned, the circle folks can't help and she will keep looking.

PS, Look for the meaning behind her words.

PS2 Pray, and go to church.

She said that last week. That she does not know if she could love me again romantically again. But she was acting cold and distant the last two weeks. When I picked the kids up today I apologize for last night because I asked her 2-3 time isf she was sure I she didn't need help with my sick son instead of listening to her the first time. I also apologized for pressuring her into going to a marriage retreat.

She told me she was acting cold and distant because every time she acted normal I would follow it up with asking about dates or going to counseling. I let her finish and said I understand why you feel that way and that I would not do it again. So I think she is back to speaking terms. If this is true it will open her up to having conversations with me again which is a good thing. Patients and no pressure.... Patients and no pressure.... I need to live by these words.

Good stuff. It sounds like she may move back in your direction. You have the best odds vs. others.

Get Dobson.

Remember... it not about her.

This weekend was not too bad. Had a couple of decent conversations with my wife. Nothing ground breaking but they were not all about the kids. She called yesterday to tell me her plans for christmas presents and other stuff. I told her that those were great ideas and that I would help pay for them. Also, I call the kids every night to tell them good night and the last two nights I got up the courage to tell her good night too which she responded good night to you too. I know that is not a big deal but trust me if I were to say that a week ago I would have been met with ok talk to you later. Also, I noticed that my wife had pulled our wedding album out and looked through the pictures within the last week because the album was moved from where it had been for years to another place.

[i will respond to your 7:48 later.]

I want to put some loose ends to rest.

Big box, politically correct books all follow similar themes. If at a later date you carefully re-skim these books you’ll see they all have the same/similar messages. There is a time and place for some their advice but not during the crisis stage of a falling marriage. Most of these authors avoid the not-so-neat issues of our human core. ie(Use of jealousy)

Having said that…

Marriage retreats are for healthy or semi-healthy marriages. When a wayward partner is asked about going they consider is an affirmation of their belief of your weakness. She tried for years to change you, now that she’s leaving you what her to change…ha! You’re too late and she doesn’t have the time! (This is great fodder for circle of sorrow and parasites!)

Unless you own a time machine… the dating period of your relationship is OVER! Is that to say you will never go out again? Of course not! But trust me when I say; fixing a broken toilet lever might give you the chance to have a real date of painting a room together with her someday.

Isn’t it amazing how something as small as a physical location of a book caught your attention? A year ago I bet you wouldn’t noticed this book even if it was under your bowl of Lucky Charms. (Think of my sarcasm as “working sarcasm.” I, like you, wouldn’t have noticed, as I sat in my underoos.)

You’re maturing but be careful!

The wedding album moved can have many different reasons. Even though you wouldn’t want to stop your observations, be very careful on any/all conclusions you may have!

Do not voice options to her and keep your thoughts to yourself.

If she is moving back in your direction you will have to endure many tests.

I don’t care how nice she may seem… there will be tests!

All tests are to be handled with the maturity of knowing:

You made promises you didn’t keep. (Love, honor and obey.)

She was a gift who wanted to be part of you.

Out of fear of maturing you rejected her.

She tried to change you but you refused.

After many years she began to lock you out of her heart.

Only after the door slammed behind you did notice her.

You have a long road ahead of you! Nothing will ever be the same!

As it should be!

PS, You said, “I told her that those were great ideas and that I would help pay for them.”

Better responses, “How can I help? Do you want to split the lists? When can I give you money?”

If she agrees on taking money… PAY FOR IT ALL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

And never mention to a another living soul.

PS2, Keep listening carefully. Never think looking in her eyes, listening and remembering is corny. She loves it!

So my therapist convinced my wife to come to my appointment Monday to talk about how she feels now and about how she felt during the marriage. I need some advice on what to do or say during this meeting.

Real quick and easy... don't talk! Nod your head, listen and think but don't talk much! Pretend you are CONTEMPLATING AND PODDERING.

Answer in one or two words, questions you feel you must answer. Don’t prove, correct or provoke in anyway.

[in your mind… a humble jerk who knows he lost his wife, but the ten-year younger girl you know has been so helpful!]

Your goal should be:

Wife – What’s he up to?

Therapist – What’s he up to? (Really good if she a women!)

Find an excuse to leave the session ten minutes before the hour!

Ps, Read my advice in this post over and over. Did you finish samlley/dobson? Got to run

Twist, It’s almost impossible for me to talk on the weekends which is why my #27 post may be a little bit of a head scratcher for you.

To clarify; I am not a fan of using therapist/counselors in the crisis stage of a marriage. Yes, I did, but like you I had no idea what I was doing.

I almost puked when I read your words, “…to talk about how she feels now and about how she felt during the marriage.” You already know how she feels! Wayward spouses are always looking for vindication of their beliefs. If you were an arrogant non-listener, being made to go there will prove the same.

Many times, when a wayward wife a agrees to go it’s simply to prove to everyone she did all she could.

Either way, the session could be used to your advantage. Yes, you will have to listen to a lot talk-talk, (how do you feel… ugh), from the counselor while there but it will give you a chance to prove you are changing. Again, this not done with a lot of talk! After thoughtful pauses, quick, quiet, five word sentences are all that’s needed. Ie(“Yea, I’m really sorry I did, said that.” Or “I wish I had a time machine… I would change everything.” Etc.)

Importantly, when you arrive:

- Look you’re best and somewhat, (imaginary girlfriend), different.

- Smile, look in her eyes, light hug and “it’s great to see you!”

- Ponder all conversation. (Remember, you were a bad listener!)

- Stay till the end but don’t linger. (You don’t have to leave a little earlier. Doing so gives her a little time alone with the counselor. If you have changed into a mature husband the counselor will make note of it to her. If the counselor is a woman she may even go further!)

Note:

I mentioned the ten-year younger women. This happened to me twist but she was closer to fifteen years younger and for real.

I was at a distant company function and totally miserable. This woman somehow picked up on that and we talked for two days. Afterward, she sent me emails, but I ignored them.

Not only this woman notice but my wife NOTICED!!! I don’t know how but she did. She asked me more questions in one day than she had done in three years.

Twist, this encounter was very dangerous but afterwards I though I could have easily done the same, but in my mind. You can too! Trust me when I say… if you are a well-groomed, mature man who understands women… there is no shortage of beautiful, single women out there

Jealously is a powerful marriage save tool!

Never underestimate what your wife sees/notices and don’t think these are phony tricks. The only thing phony was your understanding of marriage!

In closing:

A healthy marriage is like a see-saw that goes up and down on both ends. (Talking and listening, give and take.) Your marriage was you up all the time while she suffered to keep you up there. This could not be maintained! You are asking her to get back on that teeter-totter again… why should she? Would you?

Good luck!

Yeah..... I am the worse thing that has ever happened to her besides the kids. She never felt like we had an intament relationship with me our whole marriage. That she thought I was stalking her because people thought they saw me. that she only stayed because she felt she had to take care of me. She said she was proud of me that I have made all these changes and that for the first time in a long time she finally could say something good about me. But she said she could never love me as a husband.

I told her that if someone truly loved someone they would let them go and that I was ready to move on without her and I didn't need her in my life that I just want her to be happy.

How does someone stay married with someone for nine years, have 3 kids, tell me how much she loves me multiple times, makes so many future plans together, have sex 2-3 times a week and feel this way. It makes absolutely no sense.

I am a forever optimist! I’ve had my fair share of failures but choose not to notice. If you want to be the “marrying type” you must do the same.

You are fighting for your marriage and your marriage is bigger than you.

- If compatible with no traps, it pleased God!

- Her future happiness most likely depends on you, (genuine love), and your fight to win her back! (Something no sticky romance writer could ever know about love.)

- The chances of there being a mystery man out there who will love her more than you are most likely zero! (Check stats on divorced women with kids.)

- You are fighting for your kid’s happiness. (I know this hurts but you must hear it... grow and be a husband/man.)

- And finally, you are fighting for yours and her honor. (Especially hers!)

Keep ignoring her words and try to understand the full scope of her hurt you caused her. Remember, she was supposed to be part of you but you never noticed.

I need to know:

Was this said in the counselor’s office?

Did you finish Smalley? Did you get Dobson?

PS, Keep your chin up and keep trying!

PS2, Nothing has changed!

I’m going to post more comments on her remarks.