Yuk. Feel sick

So turns out this city isn't a big place after all. I literally ran into my ex in a place I would have never expected him to be.

I'm glad that I told him I was coming because it would have been horrible to run into him, with him not knowing I was there.

So I run into him, he asks how I am- and if I have plans following shopping- would I like to catch up for an early lunch. I panicked inside but was okay- and said yep, sure. He suggested an old favorite restaurant so we sat down to eat.

I don't think it went very well in terms of closure or anything else. We chatted but there was a few awkward moments that quickly disapated but he seemed a bit flat or something and jus didn't totally click like we used to. Of course there was laughing and nice moment too, but not like the last time we caught up when sparks really flew.

We ate for about two hours then he offered to drop me back at my hotel and seemed to drive slowly to get there, I got out and he said good bye he and wished me well, but now I'm let feeling awful! There was no 'it was nice seeing you message' afterwards as he sometimes does.

Maybe I should not have eaten with him, but running into him was bizarre- so I thought I may as well. Now I feel like barfing as I feel like he would walk away thinking he made the right decision because there were no sparks- and I walk away feeling sick because I just enjoyed spending the time with him, miss him so much and just wish t went better because even though we are obviously not ever going to be getting back together, I wish I'd walked away knowing I'd done the best I could in terms of keeping things as pleasant as possible and a least want him to miss me too.

Hi ptb! I follow your story pretty frequently and wanted to comment to say: -hugs- Hang in there. Running into him sure did happen fast, but maybe it's best you got the first encounter out of the way. I'm sorry it didn't go as you might have hoped it would. You'll be okay.

I wish I had sage words of advice for you, but I don't. BUs suck. If you don't hear from your ex ever again (like me), it sucks. If they send breadcrumbs, it sucks. If you run into them, it sucks.

Ugh.

Again, hang in there.

Hey PtB, I was actually wondering about you earlier as I remembered the post about you going back to his city,( and I replied saying I may potentially face the same dilemma if I went back to my ex's city - (not happened yet by the way - depends if a job comes up there).

Like the above poster, I send hugs. I cannot imagine how I would feel if I caught up with my ex at the moment. I think if I ran into him in his city, there would be few awkward glances at each other, and he'd walk off.

How are you feeling now, about having moved up there? Now that you know you won't get back together... do you still feel you've made the right choice by moving back?

"So turns out this city isn't a big place after all. I literally ran into my ex in a place I would have never expected him to be."

Call me jaded, but Im wondering how many more times you expect to run into your ex in places that you never expect him to be.

Do you not think that you are stalking your ex?

I know you dont want to hear this but its over, I dont think that moving back to your old city and stalking your ex is going to advance your healing.

I know that breakups are painful but I believe that the choices you are making are not helping.

I wondered the same thing as roadrunner, was it really somewhere you honestly didn't expect to run into him?

I don't mean to be nasty.. just wondering... because I know if I went back to my ex's actual city, that it would be very hard to just bump into him, like, when we were living together there, I used to go to the city centre a lot more than him to do some shopping and things, and so the likelihood of going back there for a day of 'shopping' andrunning into him there would be very slim, because being a guy, he didn't like to wonder around the shops like girls do! If I were to move back to his area, I would probably have to deliberately make a trip out to his village and go into the local pub, or walk through the village or something, to see him. I'm just saying that cities themselves are generally fairly big..

Also if I ran into my ex at this stage, whilst the BU is still fairly recent, I think I'd possibly cross the street or whatever, to avoid him because it would be painful to reopen a wound that is still very much in the early stages of healing.

I hope that this hasn't really harmed your recovery PTB.. I really do... time to focus on building your new life.

"So turns out this city isn't a big place after all. I literally ran into my ex in a place I would have never expected him to be."

 

Call me jaded, but Im wondering how many more times you expect to run into your ex in places that you never expect him to be.

 

Do you not think that you are stalking your ex?

 

I know you dont want to hear this but its over, I dont think that moving back to your old city and stalking your ex is going to advance your healing.

 

I know that breakups are painful but I believe that the choices you are making are not helping.

No I am most certainly not stalking my ex. I don't believe shopping in the city (where my ex would never usually be) is out of line, in fact, I think it's utterly ridiculous to suggest it is.

Apparently it's a crime to come back to the place I lived with him and go on lmy life. I was petrified of running into him not trying to. Wow.

Hi PTB

It's no crime to return to your city you once lived in with your ex. Here in the uk what happened to you we would call Sods law or murphys law a case of if it's going to happen it will no matter what the odds are stacked against you.

I think you handled yourself well in the situation far better then I could of, it just sucks that the meeting for him meant something totally different to what it meant to you.

Hope you feel better and it was a one off occurrence for you.

OD

That didn't take long, but maybe its a good thing to avoid the build up of anxiety wondering if you'd bump into him... now you have and the first is the worst. Probably not what you needed so early on in moving back, but well done for taking the step and moving back to the city whether he was there or not.

Now that it's "out of the way" you can gauge how you feel about it all and hopefully deal with the run in without too much turmoil.

Brave to have a 2hour lunch with him nd that may have been too much after not having seen one another for a long time. You will have probably brought back some memories to him and him to you... let them settle and I hope it doesn't cause you any longer term issues or concerns.

How do you feel after having seen him after such a long time, do you feel the way about him the way you thought you would having seen him?

Hope it helps the healing in the longer run rather than bringing up the pain.

So you've done that now, been mature and had lunch... no need to do much else unless you both have the urge to meet again under easier circumstances like a coffee?

You've done the right thing and good luck with the job...

So, let me get this straight...the whole reason for the therapist was...????

Seriously....you are so "afraid", even "frightened", about running into your ex but then you go to lunch with him.

Wow! Jackpot, right? I mean, everything you are kind of hoping for is happening. Let's be honest...you were never scared, afraid, worried about running into your ex. This is exactly what you want. Instead of saying a polite "no" to him asking to have lunch with you and moving on with your life you were jumping for joy inside.

Was this prescribed by your therapist, as well?

Listen..I don't blame you. But if you are not going to be honest with us then at least e honest with yourself. I'm not going to play the whole 'I'm so sorry you bumped into your ex on the very first day' if you are going to follow it up with 'then we went for lunch'.

I'm watching a train wreck...

I understand how Fear and excitment could be intermingled here. My stomach would churn when I received a text from ex but also i would have mixed emotions of excitment. It is normal.

Words can never accurately describe feelings esp when it comes to matters of the heart.

This thread is going in a bit of weird direction... Can I ask that we all please think about what might be most useful for the OP?

PTB: As Fraggle said, it's Murphy's law that you should bump into him immediately. But now at least it is over and done with and you have crossed that bridge of seeing him unexpectedly.

It might help for you to think about setting some boundaries with yourself around what will be helpful and what won't if you bump into him. Going to lunch with him is not going to be good for you. I understand why you did (and don't worry, if I bumped into my ex and he asked me to lunch I'd be going in a heartbeat) but for me looking at your situation from the outside, spending time with your ex right now is seriously not going to help you get over him. You can be polite and kind about this, and just say it is not a good idea under the circumstances. Spending time with him right now is likely to just cause you more pain and keep you holding on.

Maybe have a think about how you are going to handle things if you see him again.

I understand how Fear and excitment could be intermingled here. My stomach would churn when I received a text from ex but also i would have mixed emotions of excitment. It is normal.

Words can never accurately describe feelings esp when it comes to matters of the heart.

Thanks chicky doodle, frag, one day, grace and anyone else who had replied with something constructive.

Seoulmate- would probably prefer you no longer comment on my threads. Thanks but unlike you- my feelings are very mixed just as chickydoodleexplained. I was absolutely terrified, in fact I threw up in the bathroom of the lunch- of

Course, seeing him was also unexpected and strange but I was happy he asked me to catch up. Please don't accuse me of

Not being honest, when I try to be as honest as possible. Perhaps for you things appear in black

And white- for me there are thousands of shades of grey.

Thanks guys. I'm still left wondering if I did do the right thing by agreeing to catch up but it was obviously a spur of the moment thing and I thought I could handle myself- obviously I didn't lose it there but I just hope that he didn't walk away thinking that he had definitely made the right decision. It's not about changing his mind, but just reminding him and myself that I'm capable and confident (or at least I once was) and have the potential to be again.

I agree with Grace. Some of the comments so far are really uncalled for and not the least bit helpful.

ptb, Grace has offered some good suggestions in her post. Like her (and you), I would probably jump on the chance to have lunch with my ex. Heck, I know I would. I think it's normal to be conflicted when you still love the person. But I think she's right that you should probably give some thought as to how to deal with these situations in the future. If you ran into him once, it's likely you'll run into him again, so I would treat that like it's a given and set some boundaries for yourself, as Grace suggested.

I personally would certainly not be accusing you of fabricating this story, PtB... I guess though, that from the perspective of an outsider looking in at the situation, you do seem to have ran into your ex quite quickly after moving back to the city. I can't imagine at the moment how I'd feel if I ran into mine; I think I'd run away!!

Grace's post - a big Yes .

I know few people who would have been able to say no.

Regarding the lunch......I had some v. flat dates with my ex and I thought the spark was gone. We did reconnect in the end.

If you truly want to get over him tho' you have to be prepared for the unexpected and stay strong.

If you are holding out on hope..and want to 'play the game' of pain ( your choice - i did it ) - it is no harm to give him the impression you are moving on. To do this convincely you must indeed move on. Learn to live with or without him. Become reliant on self alone .He will sense this and it may make him re-think/re-evaluate.

Sounds like he is unpredicatable and there is a bit to play out yet. Treat things as if they are well and truly over. Let go and see how it all plays out.

Wow sods law indeed. PTB out of interest did he ever reply to your email about moving back or acknowledge it at lunch?

Hey PTB...

Not sure what to say...I can see perspective from both sides. ..

I am glad you made the move back to your old city to take that job.

You had every right. I am just curious why you would agree to have lunch

with him considering how worried you seemed about seeing him. This is not a judgement,

merely a question. You had already met with him a few months ago...then he went silent again.

You don't owe us anything.....but you owe t to YOURSELF to be honest. ...

Thank you so much everyone. My heart is really warmed by the lovely people here. I think you are right- I do need to consider what to do if I run into him again?! Surely that won't happen!

Gemsy When I emailed him, he replied in a really nice and open way - even jokes that I'd like to help him with some labour he had to do that I hated doing when we were together.

So much sensible thought coming from you guys- thanks!

Just out of interest, where was it you ran into him?

Hey PTB...

 

Not sure what to say...I can see perspective from both sides. ..

I am glad you made the move back to your old city to take that job.

You had every right. I am just curious why you would agree to have lunch

with him considering how worried you seemed about seeing him. This is not a judgement,

merely a question. You had already met with him a few months ago...then he went silent again.

You don't owe us anything.....but you owe t to YOURSELF to be honest. ...

Because I really really miss him! Of course- I was too weak to say no! I guess, I do find it really hard being without the person I loved and I miss him on a daily basis. I'm also conflicted because I know he doesn't want to be with me, but I still wish we could work things out.

So what do I do? Whatever I think is the right thing. I handled myself Well last time and hoped it would go as well - it really didn't, was quite flat but I enjoyed talking to him all the same.

Perhaps it's a good thing that things were a bit flat.. may have set you back in the healing process if there had still been a spark there?

I agree with Fraggle. Maybe its best you got it "out of the way"

I am sure I would be analyzing everything, too. But really, we have no way of knowing what is going on in someone else's head. You don't know that he doesn't miss you etc. NOt that I am trying to give you some kind of hope but a 2 hr lunch has to mean at the least that he cares. I don't know about you, but 2 hours is a long time to "waste" with someone I don't care about.

Hope you got some good stuff shopping. I am all about retail therapy. hugs!!

Just out of interest, where was it you ran into him?

Shopping in the city centre- lining up about to get my lunch from a

Sushi place when he tapped me on the shoulder.

darling without any shadow of a doubt I would have had lunch with him as well ..

I would have been reading into it ..If I had said no to lunch I would then

have been destroying myself over the " what if's" I would have created ..

as someone else said , I am glad you got this out of the way in a way ...you love him , you want him ..

what the hell else could you have done ..It's hard darling , you have been to hell and back and I hope so much

your ok xxxx

darling without any shadow of a doubt I would have had lunch with him as well ..

 

I would have been reading into it ..If I had said no to lunch I would then

have been destroying myself over the " what if's" I would have created ..

 

as someone else said , I am glad you got this out of the way in a way ...you love him , you want him ..

what the hell else could you have done ..It's hard darling , you have been to hell and back and I hope so much

your ok xxxx

I would agree with most of this as well.....had she not already met with him a couple of months back. Not saying her decision was wrong by any means.

PTB...are you afraid of asking your ex if he would reconsider a reconciliation or if he misses you? Why have you not asked him? Maybe he thinks YOU are just fine with the breakup...hence leaving 'coldly'.