How to give each other space after a huge fight

My boyfriend and I had a huge fight last night. I won't go into what it was about, but it was partly my fault due to some hurtful things I said out of anger and I was just acting really stupidly, irrationally and emotionally. It turned into a huge fight with both of us being very upset and saying mean things. My boyfriend and I have been together for nearly 6 years and we usually have a great, stable and loving relationship - it is rare for us to have a huge fight like this. But then again, at the same time, sometimes conflicts just need to happen in order to work out problems and gain each other's perspective. And we're not breaking up or anything - it was just a relationship conflict that I'm sure many couples experience and work through.

I was at his house at the time the fight occurred, so I drove home back to my place, then we continued to fight on the phone for a bit. Eventually it got really late at night and I had to get up early this morning so we nutted out the issue of debate and then hung up. We were both still really upset when we ended the call.

Anyway, when I get into fights like this, I have the tendency to just overdo my contact with him. I have been continuing to just text him telling him how upset I am, my opinion on the issue, etc. I don't know why I do this, because I know that right now, following this argument, we both need a little space to cool down and get over it. But I find it almost impossible to give him space - I am obviously hurt by the situation and I just constantly feel like calling him or texting him as if it's going to make myself feel better. But I know that what I need to do is to just stop contacting him, give him room to breathe, give myself room to calm down, and then contact him again when we are both at a better headspace.

How do you maintain space with your longterm partner/spouse after you've had an argument? What do you think?

Thank you ENA for being here.

Well I would suggest walking away and if it helps turn off your phone to avoid the temptation to text. Sometimes you just have to come to the conclusion that you agree to disagree. Just a side note nobody listens to the other person when they are screaming, work on talking it out when you both cool down. Oh and try to resolve it before bed time or else its going to be on your mind and you won't get much rest. GL.

Shouldn't try to communicate with him so quickly.... it gives him the upper ground and makes you appear to be more in the wrong, and only realising it now. Only have had one experience like this in my personal life, and it took us both 2 days to even start communicating again. but whenever my mates have big arguments with their gf's, it always seems to be the girl who says "DON'T TALK TO ME EVER AGAIN", yet a few hours later they're phoning/texting their guys saying how upset they are, and either trying to make them feel guilty or trying to say sorry. The guys still feel it, but just hold the anger for longer, and are better at being angry and not making any contact.... but after time, they all come around.

Ask your friends to grab a coffee with you or something, this gives you an opportunity to talk about it with them, let some of the anger off your chest, and also seek another person's perspective which can be essential in deciding how to proceed with the matter.

If you've already given all the branches of contract from your end, and he's chosen to ignore them, then count that as your share of the efforts done, then leave it for him to eventually decide to contact you back, only once he feels ready and wants to... the ball is in his court now, so no need for you to be worried about it anymore, it's his turn to make the effort. Things can only be rationally discussed once the initial surge of anger has fully subsided.

In the meantime, just keep yourself occupied by catching up with friends, or having some "me time" focussing only on yourself.

Avoid the temptation to keep hammering your point home when people are mad or for any time too soon after. Just let it rest.I know for my husband if you keep hammering when he is mad he will just leave the house or he will hammer back just as mean and worse. Let it go. Talk about it when you are both calm and rational.

It takes a lot of maturity to back off. Just tell yourself lashing out at him isn't going to make anything better really.

Take deep breaths and do some meditation

Focus on something else

The good news, your relationship is not dead end because apparently you two still have heated passion for each other. Now the question you have to ask yourself is, is this argument crucial to your relationship? Ignore the traded hurting words, ignore the constant fighting that day and into that night, ignore how hurt you felt. You have to think about this argument, is it crucial? If so, then you might want to end the relationship because this issue will always get in the way. If not, hell, time for some make up sex.

6 years is a long investment and apparently worked great for you two in those 6 years, a fight in 6 years, that's just stimulating your relationship and not making it dull. Tell him you're sorry for the hurting words you said to him, and expect him to say the same. Give him a little space, you gotta do that because he will suffocate and what do we do when we can't breathe? We panic and run far away any way possible. Calm down for a day or two, then make sure eat a nice dinner together before talking about that again.

I think you need to do something to repair this rather than continuing the fight by text or doing nothing. I would not be so certain that this may not end or badly damage the relationship.

Sometimes you just have to know when to back off, pick your battles. You sound like a fighter, you're like me, your stubborn; you want the last word and you always want to be right. That doesn't always help resolve the issue to be so fiesty.

But then again, at the same time, sometimes conflicts just need to happen in order to work out problems and gain each other's perspective.

Conflicts yes, fights no. As my boyfriend always says, you don't have to fight about something to work out problems or gain each other's perspective - its much more helpful to talk about it calmly, not raise your voice, not call each other names, take a break if it's getting too intense etc (even though it is RIDICULOUSLY hard to do this).

Also, whilst I think smothering the other person in texts is a really bad idea, it's not the communication that's bad, it's the way you're communicating and what you're saying. First of all texts are frustrating because you can't tell tone of voice, or see your partner's facial expressions to what you're saying. Sometimes if you can see that what you are saying is upsetting them, you think a little bit more about what you say before you say it because its more personal.

After an intense fight I think its best to talk about it in person, and, like DN said, do some damage control before it spirals out of control. Just get it fixed so that you don't have to avoid him! My boyfriend personally doesn't like it when I try to distract myself from the situation because he thinks it's just stalling the inevitable. You're going to have to talk about it sooner or later, so don't drag it out!

Good Luck

Thanks for the advice everyone.

My boyfriend and I gave each other to cool off before we decided to talk about the issue again. It was hard for me to try and refrain from texting/calling him but it was exactly what we needed to do in order to solve the issue at hand. So we gave each other time to cool down, then we were able to speak rationally and calmly about the issue. We have sorted it out, and everything is all good now

Thanks for the advice everyone.

 

My boyfriend and I gave each other to cool off before we decided to talk about the issue again. It was hard for me to try and refrain from texting/calling him but it was exactly what we needed to do in order to solve the issue at hand. So we gave each other time to cool down, then we were able to speak rationally and calmly about the issue. We have sorted it out, and everything is all good now

 

Wait, did you two have a good meal together first?

Wait, did you two have a good meal together first?

 

Haha surprisingly, we didn't actually! We just gave each other some space and then when we were both at a better headspace we were able to discuss the issue at hand in a rational way