Moving In Together Or Breaking Up?

Hi everyone I'm confused and struggling right now. This forum has been a help in the past so here goes.

I have been with my girlfriend for just over 2 years now, we are both 30 and living in NYC. Throughout our relationship we have both been happy and my girlfriend is committed, fun, sweet and caring. We love each other. But throughout our relationship I have never had that head over heels in love feeling, rather I found myself growing to love her after a year together. Its only lately that I have been able to admit to myself that I have had doubts all along that she is "the one". Its the same thing that has probably been repeated ad naseum here - she's an amazing girl, fun and pretty, but something just isn't there.

We have been planning on moving in together at the end of this month - she left her apartment to move into mine. Just this weekend I decided I had to come clean and share my doubts with her. Obviously that did not go over well as she thought we were both equally excited to move in together and had no idea. She feels like at this point I should not be having these doubts and questions what that means for our move in together.

If we did not move in together it would likely spell the end of our relationship. But can I make the commitment to love together not having resolved these feelings? Should I just be listening to these feelings and breaking things off and hurting her even more than I already have.

Obviously I am scared too. Scared to be alone and scared of hurting her. I'm hoping some opinions from this site will help me gain some clarity.

Well - being scared to be alone is never a good reason to move in together. I think its really bad timing for her to leave her apartment before you said anything or came clean. She has every right to be upset. I think you should have stopped the process if you had doubts and told her you were not ready. She is in a big jam. Now what's past is past, but this is the biggest reason i tell people not to move in together, or if they really really really want to, be absolutely clear and have discussions about what it means to both parties. it is clear that she thinks it is a rite of passage in the relationship and something that should be done at this point, whether she thinks it leads to marriage next or not. You are not feeling the same way. And now for her it doesn't merely mean you are not ready for moving in, but she feels you are rejecting everything else that comes after too.

I think that the best thing to do is to admit you are not ready to move in together if her lease is ending but she is not in yet. If she already let her apartment go and the landlord won't let her stay, then you are stuck at the moment. You can move out and help her find a roommate because you are the one backing out, and continue to work on your relationship or you can break it off.

I think that there is some truth and value in relationships where you are not head over heels at first, but are in a relationship with someone who you are happy with, you have grown to love more over time and experience love and companionship with. Sometimes one just feels the grass is greener. I do think that if you do leave the apartment either staying together or not, you have to define what "it" is - what is it that you aren't feeling?? Are you really just not ready for a commitment - 2 years is not really that long, after all, are you feeling that the grass is greener or you two are not compatible? Remember, you can take a break but you can't get her back if you say goodbye for good.

But really, being 30, etc, it is honest if you do not want to continue with her versus dragging i out until 40 when she could have met someone else and started a family if she wanted to.

Very sound advice. Every relationship I have been in that took off at full speed with sparks flying crashed and burned with a fury. The relationship I am in started off at snail speed and is the healthiest I've ever had although I can't recall ever having major sparks flying. It took me time to get use to going about a relationship a different way than I'm use to. That may not be the case with you, but if you can answer the questions asked by abitbroken maybe that can help you find some insight into your feelings of uncertainty.

Very sound advice. Every relationship I have been in that took off at full speed with sparks flying crashed and burned with a fury. The relationship I am in started off at snail speed and is the healthiest I've ever had although I can't recall ever having major sparks flying. It took me time to get use to going about a relationship a different way than I'm use to. That may not be the case with you, but if you can answer the questions asked by abitbroken maybe that can help you find some insight into your feelings of uncertainty.

Also, ask yourself if you are just hung up on a movie type of relationship. The relationship you have is with someone you have fun with and find attractive and amazing. It sounds like that would be the relationship someone would hope to have with a spouse someday. I think that if a couple has everything - fun, caring, compassionate and what they lack is a really big head over heels dramatic spark - you can create that through spontaneity and romance. In my experience a couple goes between a huge spark and ho hum on a regular basis. It is the relationships that have a huge physical pull but nothing to back it up - dishonesty, annoyance, etc, that is when one should worry and don't look back.

When I stated how I never head over heels for her I gave the impression that this was a big factor in how I'm feeling and now that I think about it I would say it is not. However what caused me to be honest with her was the realization that 2 years in I have these doubts and I feel that if it was right then these shouldn't be there. Defining what "it" is is going to be the tricky part - I've never been all that self aware. Is it just that I'm feeling the grass is greener? Its something I have to answer myself.

In the meantime I've hurt someone I loved and damaged our relationship. If I went to her at the end of the week and said that I thought it through, I just got scared and nervous and I'm sure I want us to be together and move in together then I think she still would. She wouldn't trust me and I would have to rebuild that trust but I think she would still move in.

Common sense would probably tell us not to move in together and take the time necessary to figure this all out. I guess I just need to think and figure out what I'm feeling consequences be damned.

It's too bad she is unwilling to give you more time. She's giving you an ultimatum?

"We move in together or it's over". Not the best way to move to the next level of commitment in a relationship.

That much being said, if you think you might be just suffering from a case of nerves given the seriousness of the impending cohabitation, think of a possible exit strategy if things go south after you fill your closets with her stuff.

How difficult would it be in 3 or 6 months to turn around and say "I'm not going to say I told you so.. but..."

Always think about what's the worst thing that could happen with each decision you make.

It's too bad she is unwilling to give you more time. She's giving you an ultimatum?

 

"We move in together or it's over". Not the best way to move to the next level of commitment in a relationship.

 

That much being said, if you think you might be just suffering from a case of nerves given the seriousness of the impending cohabitation, think of a possible exit strategy if things go south after you fill your closets with her stuff.

 

How difficult would it be in 3 or 6 months to turn around and say "I'm not going to say I told you so.. but..."

 

Always think about what's the worst thing that could happen with each decision you make.

She's not giving me an ultimatum at all. We both understand that if we did not move in together it would be difficult for our relationship to recover. From her point of view she's looking at commitment in terms of marriage within the next few years and if after 2 years I can't commit to moving in together it puts my commitment long term into question. Which I totally understand.

If I'm not totally sure I wouldn't want us to move in together. In a relationship its so easy to just coast and say everything is ok and I don't want to do that. We're both 30 and starting a family is something both of us want to do and I don't want to drag this out with her if I'm not going to do it with her. For both of our sakes.

She's not giving me an ultimatum at all. We both understand that if we did not move in together it would be difficult for our relationship to recover. From her point of view she's looking at commitment in terms of marriage within the next few years and if after 2 years I can't commit to moving in together it puts my commitment long term into question. Which I totally understand.

 

If I'm not totally sure I wouldn't want us to move in together. In a relationship its so easy to just coast and say everything is ok and I don't want to do that. We're both 30 and starting a family is something both of us want to do and I don't want to drag this out with her if I'm not going to do it with her. For both of our sakes.

It is not an ultimatum if both parties agree to move in together, all the plans are set in place and one even gives up their apartment only to suddenly have cold fee--and then the party who gave up the apartment is extremely upset and wants an answer. I would really be upset also that the other party didn't think about how they felt before all the plans were in place and it would be a "crap or get off the pot" situation.

I think a lot of folks think that moving in together is a stepping stone to marriage, when it isn't or doesn't have to be. You can recover from this, if you are both on the same page and agree that moving in together is not a "step" - you dont have to live together first. Some people don't. My boyfriend and I are making that choice. Some people move in together only when there is a ring and a date, so to speak, and they are solidly engaged (not the ongoing 4 year engagement but when they actually have real plans to marry). In fact, to me, living together without commitment puts you in an odd psuedo roommate situation and its sometimes harder to transition from roommate-like finances and behavior to an "us." But that is just me.

Why not instead of going about the commitment of living together and then marriage in a few years, why not just live separately and work on the idea of if you want to marry eachother or not in the next couple years, rather than the living together trial thing. That way you will have the ultimate answer and either break up, or live apart but gear up towards thinking if you want to be married, even if you aren't engaged for another year or so, rather than dragging things out? If you do not want the same things in marriage, then part. But if you do, then living together may or may not play a part in that or at least its not a "test" to see if you can commit. You may end up not living together or only do it for a short time but already have marriage plans. Does that make any sense/ In other words, your goal is the same and you can make it up as you go along on how you will get there rather than achieving living together as a goal.

To me, it almost seems if you are halting things not because you don't want her, but because you want to slow down.