A really confusing situation ( in desperate need of some advice)

I don't even know how to start this off. It was over 2 years ago, and I still think about what happened every single day. I don't feel like a normal person, although I can't say I've ever really felt that way. I don't know if what happened to me was rape, but I can't help feeling like that is exactly what happened to me. Even harder for me, I don't understand my actions after the fact. Please, someone, answer this for me once and for all. I will try to describe the situation just as I remember it. I figure someone neutral will have much more insight than I do....well here it goes.

It was my senior year of college and I was coming off of a very serious relationship with a guy I loved very much. We broke up maybe 3 months before, and I decided I was ready to start dating again. I ran into, let's call him Tom. I ran into Tom, who I had a class with two semesters before and we started talking and he asked me to go out on a date with him. He seemed like a really nice guy, so I told him yes and gave him my phone number.

We talked on the phone a few times before we went out, and it seemed too good to be true. He talked about things he wanted to do once he got out of school, including buying a house, settling down and starting a family. All of the things that appeal to a girl's senses. I thought I hit the jackpot. By the time the date came, I was really psyched. I thought I found my next potential love. I lived with my parents at the time, so I thought it would be really lame to have him pick me up at their place, so I drove to his apartment and we were going to leave for our date from there. So when I got there, he wasn't quite ready yet, but he had a bottle of wine and he poured me a glass and I drank it. What the hell, I was nervous. By the time we left, I had two glasses and I was feeling buzzed but not drunk. We had dinner by the beach and went out to the water after that. I let him kiss me. It was fine, I didn't have a problem with that.

We drove back to his apartment and I went inside because I left my sweater inside (I always carry one) before dinner and we got to talking. I didn't object when he kissed me again, but I didn't plan on having sex with him. Things got heated and by that time, I was more buzzed than before because we had more drinks at dinner. I gave in and we did end up having sex. I felt a pang of regret that I would sleep with him on the first date, but I shrugged it off and he said he was ok with it. He wanted to keep seeing me. Was he for real?? I had never done anything like that before, and that definitely wasn't the reaction I was expecting.

So after a few minutes of reassurance, I was ready to get dressed and head home. He kissed me again. I said I thought I should get going and I told him to call me the next day. He kept kissing me, and then we were lying down. I told him I didn't really want to do it again, that I was sore and that I was tired and just ready to get home. He wasn't forceful with me at all, but just little by little he kept going until he was having sex with me again. I didn't scream, I didn't hit him. He wasn't violent about it. He was actually (I think he thought he was) trying to be gentle about it. It felt so passive-aggressive. I just kept saying stop, please stop, stop and c'mon, don't do this, you're hurting me. I don't even think I was saying it loud, but I could feel the tears start coming out and my feet were pushing his knees back, trying to indicate to him that I wanted him off of me.

I still think back that I should've been more forceful, but I felt like I was in shock. He did eventually pause and all he said to me was that he was close and asked me if he could finish. I couldn't even believe what was happening to me. I just laid there.

About a minute later he was done, and he just got up like nothing happened and he went to the bathroom. When he came out, you would've thought we just got done watching a funny movie or something. He was in such good spirits! I thought to myself he couldn't have just raped me. I must've been mistaken.

I went home and the next morning I woke up, I had a sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach. He called me like he said he would earlier in the night before the incident and he said I was acting weird on the phone! He didn't understand why I was so quiet. We had a fun time, didn't we? I was even more confused. He actually asked me out on another date. It must not have been rape, I thought to myself. I continued to see him for a few more weeks, which flabbergasts me looking back. We even had sex again. Each time, it seems like when he was doing something I didn't like, like trying to have sex with me without a condom and I would refuse, to me he seemed turned on by it. Like he liked to hear me refuse him.

I finally got the courage to break it off with him. I picked a stupid fight, and HE dumped ME. I was relieved. Did he rape me? I don't get why I continued to see him. I was miserable for the rest of those weeks. What the hell is wrong with me? Be gentle, please. I really would appreciate some insight.

I don't know. You should seek a counselor. I don't think it was rape....but it could potentially be rape. Very odd situation. He seems selfish and uncaring.

To me, I would not call it rape. You willingly had sex with him the first time. I think it was tacky for him to go for a second, if you didn't want it, but if you didn't, why did you not get up/pull your pants up, etc? I think by being an active participant the first time, it seemed to him you were okay with it the second time only moments later and interpreting your not too forceful protests as play - it really was sort of the same sexual session in a way. I think it was more like poor judgement all around. It is really hard if this were a trial for a woman to say "i was into it the first time, but not the second go round a few minutes later because I didn't like how he did it." I think that what you are dealing with right now is a lot of regret. I agree with lerira that counseling might be in order.

Thanks for responding. It is a very odd situation I agree. It plagues me all the time. And I get almost like panic attacks if I see someone who looks like him. It was the worst year of my life still having to see him at school. Plus, we knew a lot of the same people and that made it awkward. He had classes with some really good friends of mine. And I think that's one reason I continued seeing him. I felt like if I said something to him or made a fuss, he would tell everyone we knew that I was a * * * * and that I slept with him that night. It was almost easier to just go along with it and no one be the wiser...I still feel the effects sometimes when I'm with my boyfriend now. If he touches me a certain way or moves a certain way when we have sex, I feel a wave of panic go up. I just wish I had done so many things differently. I know people say that it's not your fault and that no means no, but I can't help but feel like I brought it on myself.

Thanks again for responding.

I agree with abitbroken - it seems more like poor judgment on both sides. If you feel you can't cope, perhaps counselling is a good idea.

When he started things up the 2nd time, we were still in bed and I was about to get up. He kissed me, but I didn't think it was to say let's have sex again. I misread him and when he got on top of me, I knew I didn't want it, but I have never been an aggressive person and to me I had a whole bunch of thoughts running through my head. Should I scream? Should I slap him? Looking back I should have dug my nails into his face. That's how badly I feel about not putting up as much of a fight. I felt like stop should have been enough, and I just think I was in complete disbelief that that was happening. I genuinely did not want to have sex again that night. But I agree. I think if it had been the first time, the first time that night, even, that I could justify it being rape, but in my heart I still feel it was wrong.

Thank you for replying.

I had an experience with a guy of this sexual nature. I can't say he ever forced me to do anything but he was good at making me submit. He insisted on tying me up, dripping candle wax, using toys, anything that a girl may initially say no to, he was determined to do to me. He just had that "don't say no to me" way about him that I couldn't say no to. Something about it drew me to him but terrified me at the same time. After him, I've had a hard time getting the almost violent images out of my head. After 2 years, the memories are fading but being able to trust someone with my body again hasn't happened for me. I don't trust myself. I cant trust my judgment anymore. I let a lot of * * * * ed up * * * * happen to me physically & emotionally. I knew it was wrong & that I should have stopped it but I didn't, time & time again. I have no answer for you but if our stories relate, let me know & hopefully we can figure it out.

Did he rape me?

You did NOT consent to the sex so YES it WAS rape. Not your 'typical' type of rape, but it was still rape just the same. Rape isn't necessarily about force, it's about power and control, and he got what he wanted without your permission.

I agree with Planet Heart, you did NOT consent, so it was rape. Sapphiregrl26, I had a very similar situation happen to me with my first boyfriend. I let him sleep in my bed with me, and he took that to mean that I wanted sex (it was my first time). He just climbed on top of me and started to penetrate me, no foreplay, no questions asked. What he said was, "it will hurt less without a condom," and, "it will hurt less if you relax." I tried to push him away, but he kept going and then by that time I just froze. I sometimes feel ashamed that I didn't fight back, but I try to remember that I was doing what I needed to do to get out of that situation safely. Who knows what else could have happened?

And, like you, I continued to date him - I dated him for at least a year longer, and every time he spent the night with me (the only time we saw each other for the most part), he would just start having sex with me when I was about to go to sleep. I think that I was really traumatized by that point and continued to freeze.

Now, I know what consensual sex feels like, so when I look back on my experience with that creep, I realize what a selfish thing he did. He tried to take my power away.

Coersion is still rape. Sapphiregrl26, you and I are survivors. What that guy did to you is not your fault, and your staying with him afterwards is not a retroactive form of consent. Please seek counselling, and know that you are not alone.

your staying with him afterwards is not a retroactive form of consent. Please seek counselling, and know that you are not alone.

Well said!

Hmm. So your house was broken into? Well...did you lock the doors? Have an alarm installed? Own a guard dog? Do you own a gun? No? Oh, you must have been ok with someone taking your things then, maybe you even wanted someone to.

Of course it was rape, plain and simple. Thank you for your comments everyone, but especially peacetree29 and Planet Heart for making a stand on this "so-called" grey area.

sapphiregrl26. I apologize if my first paragraph comes accross a bit strong. The most important thing for you to realize is that you did absolutely nothing wrong. The first time you said "no" or "stop" made whatever happened afterward become forced, and therefore rape. Just because you didn't scream and physically fight back does not make his crime alright. There isn't some statute that states you have to fight back for 3 minutes and scream at the top of your lungs. The burden lies solely upon him.

The fact that he had so little respect for you that despite him knowing you did not want to have sex the second time he still forced himself upon you demonstrates his base nature. He cared for one thing, and one thing only. His own gratification at any cost, including your wellbeing.

Why did you continue to see him? Perhaps because if something came of the relationship then his action wouldn't be so bad, or even justified in some strange way. You were merely attempting to make an untenable situation better.

So, was it rape? Absolutely. Did you do something wrong, or did you deserve it because you didn't fight enough? Absolutely not!

As for what you should do, I know there are several resources that have been posted on these forums, I highly suggest searching through them. There is a level of understanding that seemingly comes only from others who have experienced something this traumatic.